Is this pain-body?

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faithhealer
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Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:28 pm

Is this pain-body?

Post by faithhealer » Fri Jul 27, 2018 3:27 pm

I got fierce angry “dramas” on my head from time to time. Mostly, when I drive and I am alone. It is going on since a few year now.

All of these “dramas” are fiction written inside my own mind. Set in my own life story with real characters, including me. They are repetitive with slight variations, but I do make new stories at times. They have no base in reality. There is no logic why should I turn angry or violent on those people who are quite close to me.

They have visible impression on me: I make an angry face, clench my teeth, sometimes I make jesters with my hand, babble something. The drama stops the moment I become aware of it. Leaving me in some amount of guilt that subsides in a minute. Sometimes, when driving my car, I get several such episodes within a span of say, one hour.

I approached a psychiatrist with this problem, and after a brief period of medication, I had to stop it because of adverse side effects (SSRIs). He said it is Episodic anger/ Intrusive thoughts. I was not depressed. Now, I am doing Mindfulness practices/ Vipasana mediation and feeling much relieved. I tried to visualize these episodes during meditation, practice developing compassion, and so on.

But the episodes still continue (though the occurrences have decreased). I try to be aware while driving (three deep breaths at every red light etc.), when I am alone, or during the auto-pilot hours, but they still creep in. I stopped believing in triggers.

A few days earlier, I came across the pain body concept by Tolle. It immediately appealed to me as the perfect solution to my problem. I am reading through his books. I followed Tolle’s solution. But somehow, I am not sure if I could grasp the complete solution.

I am accepting the thoughts, letting it continue after I am aware of it (with some success, they become vague after I am aware). I stopped identifying with the thoughts (again with little success). Now, I consider myself as the Director of the “dramas”, and the main actor (who was me earlier) an imaginary self of mine. I keep directing the main actor to continue the drama. I also introduced Tolle as a character in the dramas, telling me that it is just dream. This way I was trying to re-enact the episodes. These things I do in the “continued” phase, after my awareness has sets in. Or, I make it the object of my meditation, at times. Think it is working, as the number of the episodes are decreasing. The intensity of the rage is also decreasing.

After starting off with regular meditation, for around six months now, most of my real life shame, guilt, frustrations have lightened substantially. But these dramas are still continuing.

I will be grateful, if the much experienced members of this forum, assess my situation, check if I am doing it right. Any suggestions? I desperately want to get rid of it, as I have suffered enough.

I (40 now, male, working as a software engineer) often turn violet in these episodes’ story line, but in real life I am the exact opposite of it.

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DavidB
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Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2012 7:55 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Is this pain-body?

Post by DavidB » Mon Aug 20, 2018 5:48 am

The pain body, is the emotional manifestation of the ego.

So, in your regard at least, the anger and the propensity for drama, is the pain body. The pain body is a manifestation of collective and personal suffering and therefore can only feed on further suffering. It's natural desire is to look for, or create further suffering either real or imagined, in order to satisfy it's need for pain.

The pain body cannot be confrontationally defeated. Trying to defeat the pain body in this way, will only result in further frustration and therefore further suffering. As you know already, defeating the pain body is only achieved through surrender or acceptance.

This surrender and acceptance will take time. It's a developmental change in relationship. The pain body took a long time and a lot of effort to construct and it takes a long time and patience to deconstruct. Deconstructing the pain body usually happens in stages through personal revelation. As we understand more about our selves, our triggers and the human condition in general, we develop better and healthier means to live in harmony with our pain and suffering, and then consequently, the neurotic behavior lessons and becomes lighter, less intrusive.

The irony in all this, is that the pain body becomes like a beacon, illuminating within all those things that need to be integrated successfully. In this way the pain body becomes an ally on our path to self discovery and then consequently, transformation.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

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