difficult situation

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Enlightened2B
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difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Wed May 15, 2013 11:12 pm

Hi everyone,

This is such a wonderful forum and probably the best place for me to post here. I would really appreciate any kind of advice I can get. Let me just start off by saying that I live a very healthy lifestyle diet wise and I consider myself very spiritual and I practice mindfulness meditation. After reading "A New Earth", my entire outlook on life has changed within the past year. Ok, so, basically considering my lifestyle, I've been single for a while now. I am an attractive male by most standards, but I can't get involved with anyone who cannot accept and understand my lifestyle. I'd rather be single than end up with someone can't relate to that is someone who is not spiritual or even health conscious to some degree.

Ok, so I started communicating with a female on an online dating site. Turns out, she was also HIGHLY influenced by Eckhart Tolle and has the exact same outlook spiritually as I do. We also oddly have some of the same health conditions (stomach related), we both agreed that we have the exact same values and outlooks on marriage and children (neither are a priority to both of us) and it's almost as if she is a walking image of me. We met in person and had a wonderful time. She was very sort of "over the top" with communication early on. All of a sudden, the communication stopped. She indicated that her guard went up because it started to remind her of an ex boyfriend that didn't end well. Apparently, he came on very much like I did early, but he turned out to be a violent, mentally abusive, cheating boyfriend. Therefore, she informed me as a result of how good things are getting between us, that she is putting her guard up and hesitant to get close to me in fear of the same thing happening. She's a Buddhist and understands many of the concepts of Buddhism and Tolle's teachings and basically lives by them. It feels like the situation is going no where.

I don't know what to do. I can safely say that she possesses almost EVERY quality I seek in another person. She even talked to me about this. Neither of could be believe how much we had in common. I've never connected with anyone like this in the past and that counts for people including my ex girlfriend (who I had very little in common with a few years back). I'm depressed at the thought of this ending as it's solely on her shoulders. I feel as though I will never be able to meet anyone with THIS much in common on so many levels. What can I possibly take out of this situation? I'm in pain right now. We haven't known each other long, but I saw real potential with her and it's just so hard for me to meet like minded people.

Is there any advice out there for me? I appreciate anything.

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ZenDrumming
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Re: difficult situation

Post by ZenDrumming » Thu May 16, 2013 3:05 am

You might have to let it go man. Almost this exact thing happened to me last year and trust me, you can't force it. Whatever her reasons for withdrawing, it's not your business to try and figure it out or fix her. Tell her how you feel, and if she ultimately doesn't want to continue it's best to end it before the bad stuff starts happening. And it will happen, if you aren't on the same page. If she just needs some time, then see how that feels, but it sounds like she might have some underlying issues that are finally surfacing. You need to talk honestly and openly as you can, and listen to what she's communicating non-verbally most of all. Remember that her state of mind is not your responsibility.

You're infatuated and romanticizing things right now, which is fun, but that can lead to a lot of suffering and extreme expectations if you take it too seriously. Being very similar isn't always a sign of compatibility, and it took me a while after me and this girl ended things to realize that other types of people can compliment me much better and make me feel more challenged and alive. The woman who you click with the most isn't necessarily going to match the image of her that you have in your head.

"I feel as though I will never be able to meet anyone with THIS much in common on so many levels."

Come on man, you know better than to be controlled by nonsense like this. In the choice between love and fear, what are you going to choose?

Just my opinion, take this post for what it's worth. Sorry if it came off as callous, I just went through something very much like this and I wish more people had said this to me when I was beating myself up and creating all these stories around it. Whatever happens will be fine, it will happen or it won't. In my case, it didn't, and I'm still here! And I know that I may cross paths with her again down the road, which still doesn't change the fact that it wasn't working out before. Good luck.

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu May 16, 2013 4:34 am

Thank you so much for your response Zen Drumming. It wasn't callous at all. It was quite refreshing actually. Maybe we were involved with the same girl ha. Kidding of course, but it's nice to hear someone else in a similar situation.

"The woman who you click with the most isn't necessarily going to match the image of her that you have in your head"

This quote from you is really interesting. This could be part of my problem that I'm perhaps a bit TOO picky with who I date, granted, there are certain things that I won't budge on. However, I should try to be more open minded.

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AlohaFriends
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Re: difficult situation

Post by AlohaFriends » Thu May 16, 2013 8:17 am

You stated that you haven't known each other long. I would go with ZenDrumming that You're infatuated and romanticizing over a piece of newly found gem. Especially it’s so rare.

You think two of you have “THIS much in common” now…..Every couple thinks they love each other THIS much before they get married.

Romance in the Buddhist temple doesn’t involve chasing fanatically. Not to show her you are in pain. Communicate with your deep honesty. Ask her why she suddenly changed her mind. If she doesn’t want to talk. You stop and return to yourself….…Maybe she needs more time. If she is rational , mature and still likes you, it would be incumbent on her to take the initiative to reconnect with you….Or , you must conquer your own desire and surrender.

You called this a “difficult” situation ? Have you looked at the complexities in many other people’s relationships ?

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rideforever
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Re: difficult situation

Post by rideforever » Thu May 16, 2013 9:47 am

Buy her some flowers and take her dancing.

Kiss her passionately under the moonlight with tears in your eyes.

Stop thinking so much, just let things be simple, humble, and fun.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu May 16, 2013 6:58 pm

Thank you for the responses once again. I do think too much sometimes and I guess acknowledging that I am is one step in the right direction. I know there are many more complex situations which I myself have been through (non dating related). However, I didn't know what else to label the thread as I felt the situation was somewhat difficult for myself to interpret. She's communicated to me now that pretty much exactly what I indicated in my initial message. She has a lot of emotional "baggage" so to speak from her disastrous break up a couple of years ago and hasn't gotten close to anyone since aside from a one year relationship with a man she wasn't really interested in romantically, but felt "safe" with (and actually went to see a week ago as I found out) compared to her ex prior to that. So, there's definitely seemingly a lot of issues surfacing here as Zen drumming indicated. She indicated that she wants to get to know me, but to start off as friends first before pursuing anything intimate as she wants to do it differently than the past. After talking to her more yesterday, and finding more info out as I just posted, I'm not really sure if I want to go any further with this at this point. I'll have to decide. Thank you all for the responses. I really appreciate it.

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matt74ike
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Re: difficult situation

Post by matt74ike » Mon Jun 10, 2013 12:26 pm

After almost a month it's probably useless answer :))

If reason why she putts you in friend zone is really fear that you're bad person then you could contact her with your ex (or exes) through facebook and prove you're good man. You have nothing to lose.
If she doesn't want to contact, then contact with them yourself and show her conversations. Again - you have nothing so lose.
Getting out of friend zone is almost impossible :)
Maciej
We know about ourselves
only what we've been tested
[Wislawa Szymborska, poet]

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jun 11, 2013 1:15 am

Thanks for the response Matt. Yeah, this situation is over now. I ended things with her about a month ago. I left things open ended. I felt a strong connection with this person, but it was not meant to be. She was not over her ex boyfriend and I couldn't get involved in a situation where that was taking place. It still hurts a little bit because I felt something strong there that potentially had a chance to build on, but it is what it is and what happens is supposed to happen and there's no sense in dwelling on it. I'm going to enjoy my "single" state right now and whatever happens, happens.

Typist
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Typist » Tue Jun 11, 2013 3:05 am

If you're looking for a long term relationship, the best foundation upon which to build that is friendship.

This girl might not be the right girlfriend for you at this time for the reasons you've explained. Like others have said, if she's not ready, she's not ready.

But why can't she be your friend? If you find you're not interested in being friends with her unless she can be a date too, you definitely made the right decision in walking away. If you don't want to be friends with someone you spoke so glowingly about, maybe it's you that's not ready?

My wife and I were good friends before we became more serious. She used to lend me her car so I could take other girls out on dates. :-) I buried her dog, and refinished her floors, and other guy friend things like that. One thing led to another and....

We've now been happily married for 30 years. Friendship is the only thing that lasts over the long term. Go make a really good friend, somebody you want in your life no matter what the arrangement is.
If the things we want to hear could take us where we want to go, we'd already be there.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: difficult situation

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue Jun 11, 2013 4:17 am

It's an interesting noticing here... you fell for .... your self in another body -
I can safely say that she possesses almost EVERY quality I seek in another person.
All the qualities you found attractive in her were the qualities you possess and are comfortable with, or seek/desire in your self.

The noticing that you've had that maybe you've been too picky - limiting experiencing 'different' to your self - now that's where real living and relating happens, on the edge of your comfort zone.

As for her pulling back - her reasoning is honest and she experienced it with her ex - a person who seeks to love them self in another body gets a bit cranky when that other 'differs' from the projected expectation of sameness. It's why controllers feign to be exactly like someone else, then manipulate and punish 'difference', citing preserving the good of the relationship, usually slowly and cunningly. She did well to notice what you failed to notice, in this moment in time you have immense similarities, which you find incredibly attractive, but what if she or you were to change over time (and we all do)... then what - how do you handle 'difference'? It seems at the moment you eliminate it from your life, restrict your exposure to it, reject it (?)... so what would happen long term when one or both of you change and your similarities become differences?


She's given you a great gift in understanding what it is you love about your self. The list you have about her or the perfect person for you, are really about you, and you already have you and all in that list.

She's also given you a great opportunity to experience and understand different is not 'wrong', it's just different.

:?:
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jun 11, 2013 4:55 am

I appreciate your post Jen. However, I'm not really sure what direction your post was going here. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'll try to explain the situation again below. "She did well to notice what you failed to notice in that we both have immense similarities". That was essentially paraphrased from your post. Well, why would you worry about the future when everything is going well now? Basically, that means anyone anywhere can talk themselves out of a seemingly great situation just because of "What if"? That's the exact definition of living in "fear". Everything was going smooth sailing between us. Now, that's not to say that anytime you have similarities, it will automatically translate to long term success with a partner. Of course not, but there was nothing there to suggest otherwise outside of what was going on in HER mind based on her past which I eventually discovered.

I do understand her hesitancy relating to her FIRST ex boyfriend and I informed her many times that I would work as slowly as she needed to get to know each other on a friendly basis which is exactly what I want myself as "Typist" so wonderfully put in the previous post. I'll try to explain again very quickly what happened. Everything was fine until her ex asked her to meet up with him literally two days after me and her had a wonderful date. She told me her ex came back into the picture and she was not over him yet. She blew me off in person to meet up with her ex and as a result was too saddened to even call me for a week after seeing him per what she told me eventually when I finally got in touch with her. At that point, I realized that nothing was going to happen until she was fully moved on from her ex. I reached out to her NUMEROUS times indicating that I just wanted to be friends and take it from there and after numerous emails back and forth with her continuing to indicate fear from her end and explaining to me about how she is still having emotions towards her ex and is finding it so hard to "break up with him", I told her to take some time and space and feel what she needed to do and that I would be MORE than willing to start off as friends with her at her own pace when and if she was ready (I made this extremely clear) and that was literally where we left off and I never heard from her again. That's literally exactly what happened. This was a month ago now and there's nothing I can do at this point. It's well in the past for me now.

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jun 11, 2013 5:06 am

Typist, I completely agree with you. All I really see out of a potential situation with someone I have interest in, is to start off as friends and merely take it from there. I tried that and she was not very reciprocative. However, she was literally on the verge of getting back together with her ex boyfriend and it was very hard for me to continue to be "friends" at that point without anything further. So, it was either going to be friends or nothing according to her and I left it up to her to give her some space and time so she can figure things out and I just never heard from her again and I don't understand why, but I stopped trying to figure it out. I even thought about recently emailing her just as a friend and seeing where she was at a month later. I have complete love and understanding towards her and her situation. As Jen so wonderfully put in her post, I have been too picky in the past, and in the future, I will look to focus my energy on people who might be different. As far as this situation with this person, I still feel a little hurt from it, but I care for her and I understand where she was coming from. It was just at a point where I felt the decision needed to be up to her and she chose to not contact me.

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jun 11, 2013 6:28 pm

I wanted to get others takes on this. I've dated so many different types of people in my life and largely those I have very little compatibility with and compatibility simply does not exist with those who have completely different values and long term goals as myself. If you don't want kids or marriage and they do, well, that means you're on two different pages already. Do you both have the same concept of what you want out of a relationship? Spirituality is very important in my life. Could you get involved with another being on a romantic level that looks down upon and has zero concept of spiritual notions? I've been there before in those situations. Granted, many are unconscious so to speak and that's where our compassion comes into play. However, then again, the question would be, why would you WANT to get involved in a romantic situation with another being that looks down upon something that's so alive in your OWN life? Otherwise, what is it about someone that draws you to them other than physically? Why DO we get drawn to people? This is what I always ask people and they could never give me an answer. The answer is usually "I like them". Ok, well, what is it that you like? There's still usually no answer. I'm not even talking about common interests. I think common interests are not important when there's a connection with another being. The women that I've connected in the past with all share common values and long term goals as myself and that's all I care about. I think there has to be some differences at least in personality. However, I believe it ultimately comes down to connection and there's no way a connection can take place with another being with completely different values than your own. I look first and foremost to become friends with someone and in order to be friends with someone, I would think there would have to be more than just SOME similarities. I feel the crux of this issue is that we should communicate with various types of people that we encounter through our lives men and women, but I think it's only natural to connect with those at least on a romantic level who we share similar paths with and that can't really happen with someone who wants completely different things out of life than you do. It's one thing if you're looking for adventure, well then you might gravitate towards someone who is the polar opposite of yourself and I don't believe in the notion that "opposites attract". Perhaps personality wise, they definitely do, but I think there's a lot more that goes into it than that.

If you look at the divorce rate and how many people get involved with other beings for seemingly the wrong reasons (afraid of being alone, physical attraction only, etc), there's a reason why relationships simply don't work out today and they largely don't. So, I'd love to get other's takes on how connection happens between two beings. I feel that those "looking" for relationships are essentially created by an illusory image from the mind rather than going by intuition of what FEELS right in a situation. What is connection to you? If values, long term goals, lifestyle choices are not important to you, then what is it that draws one to another being?

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AlohaFriends
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Re: difficult situation

Post by AlohaFriends » Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:06 pm

You asked , “how connection happens between two beings”. It looks like you already knew the answer by saying “going by intuition of what FEELS right in a situation”.

The word “connection” implies attachment..something fixated. When you “flow”, you are not connected to anything, are you ? When you are with somebody, if you keep thinking “Do we have a connection?” “I want a connection”… then you are not flowing in the now. You are expecting a connection.

Enlightened2B
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Re: difficult situation

Post by Enlightened2B » Wed Jun 12, 2013 12:40 am

Thanks Aloha for the response. One of the reasons I ask this is because I've been reading so many of the threads on this site and there's such incredible conversation about non-duality and I'm just starting to get the hang of this stuff and I find it fascinating. Perhaps this thread was the wrong place to ask this. However, I wonder if romantic relationships in general are even real. What is romance anyway? Is it not just as much of an illusory term as anything else our minds create? Essentially intuition in itself uses the mind to some degree at least I would think. Therefore, I was asking how does one judge whether they connect (or perhaps a better term as Aloha put it "flow")? If we are essentially multiple streams of consciousness within physical body form, why as humans do we have this need to find a partner so to speak when we are essentially all one to begin with?

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