Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

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Jada02
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Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by Jada02 » Sat Jun 22, 2013 7:12 pm

Hi there...

I've been reading and listening to Eckhart Tolle and others for a longer time now.. I've had plenty AHA moments and have teachings present in me most of the time..

Nonetheless, I feel like everything is getting worse lately.. For a while, I felt like I'm freer, more patient, more accepting, more loving.
But recently, I feel insecure, confused, angry, sensitive, I take things personally, react in defensive ways, doubt my worth, feel like I'm not loved/accepted/wanted at places, jealous, a little bit out of control emotionally... I don't know where all this comes from suddenly and how to deal with it. I listen and read teachings, but there's not a big effect on me at all.

I feel like I might lose everything (or am ACTUALLY in the process of losing everything). The contact with my family is terrible, I feel like friendships are breaking up, I've already lost two jobs this year.

I'd love to just be fine with it all. Still love myself and others through it, NO MATTER what they do or I do. No matter how hateful others are or how wrong I think something is.
But I can't seem to break through!! Maybe I have to lose everything to find myself?
Everything is just going downwards, and the more I hold on to things, the more they slip away, logically.. I'm trying to turn everything inside out, instead of looking for validation, security, acceptance and love from outside, I'm trying to find these things in myself and give them to others... I know searching for all of this on the outside will NEVER work..

But all these feelings and confusion!!! I have to work through it, help me, I don't know what to do at this point..

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rideforever
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Location: Hove

Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by rideforever » Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:14 pm

That's great ! Yes, a whole lot of life is happening

Accept it. That's all.

Accept this.

Accept this reality.

Accept this you.

Accept this now.

Each moment is a warm bath. Take your clothes off and slide in to the water. Immerse yourself in it. Get closer. Be it. Feel it. Whatever it is. Joy, pain, terror, action, surrender, fighting, jumping, screaming, parting, laughing ... accept, accept, ... accept yourself.

Move closer, and closer, be sharper, be precise, slide in to the bath of life, of death, of terror, of pain ... slide in a feel every molecule as it touches.

When you are crying ... feel every beautiful moment.

When you are laughing ... feel every beautiful moment.

When you are dying ... feel every beautiful moment.

Accept ... Surrender.

BE
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

oak tree
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Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by oak tree » Sun Jun 23, 2013 12:36 pm

Hi jada02,

It seems to me that you are on a good path! Often when we feel like we are going backwards, that we are falling apart, we are actually moving forwards!

I know it can get overwhelming sometimes. I think what you are describing might be repressed emotion surfacing. This is very good!

If you can directly face what comes up you will get through it. It seems to me that's what you are already doing. But a lot of patience is required on this journey!

I've lost a few jobs, friendships, relationships unexpectedly too. What can we do but trust that it's for the best.

Maybe sometimes you are trying a little too much ? Pressuring yourself? Sometimes its helpful to take a break, relax and do something fun. :D

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rideforever
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Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by rideforever » Sun Jun 23, 2013 12:55 pm

When it is too much ... rest and relax, just calm, like a cup of tea.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Jada02
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:36 pm

Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by Jada02 » Mon Jun 24, 2013 10:39 pm

Your answer are helping, thanks guys..

I think it's definitely always repressed emotions that surface this way, for what's not somewhere inside of me, could not be awakened in me..

I just don't know why I'm so angry, so insecure lately. Now I lost my permit to reenter the country and noticed AT the airport, who does smth like this happen to??? Now I won't even be able to work, when I so bitterly needed to right now.. Simply everything is falling apart not only inside of me, but as well on the outside, in my life..

I'm not trying to cry about it, I'm just being honest and am trying to understand what is happening. I feel the more I'm trying to change something, feel better, be positive, get along with people, be understanding, the more it goes wrong! What can I possibly do then?

oak tree
Posts: 76
Joined: Mon May 20, 2013 6:10 pm

Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by oak tree » Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:34 pm

Hi again Jada02,
Jada02 wrote:I just don't know why I'm so angry, so insecure lately. Now I lost my permit to reenter the country and noticed AT the airport, who does smth like this happen to??? Now I won't even be able to work, when I so bitterly needed to right now.. Simply everything is falling apart not only inside of me, but as well on the outside, in my life..
I don't know why either. Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. I suggest you sit with the thoughts, the feelings and the physical sensations. What does the anger feel like in the body. What does the insecurity feel like. I suggest you keep facing whatever comes up. Not trying to change it, just meeting it. Give it space to be there.
I suspect most people on the awakening path at some stage feel like their life is falling apart.

Jada02 wrote:I'm not trying to cry about it, I'm just being honest and am trying to understand what is happening. I feel the more I'm trying to change something, feel better, be positive, get along with people, be understanding, the more it goes wrong! What can I possibly do then?
It strikes me that you are resisting how you feel and trying to change your feelings. Again I suggest you allow whatever feelings arise to be there. The more you try to change the more frustration you will encounter in my opinion.

kutto
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Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by kutto » Wed Jun 26, 2013 4:17 am

This series of 'articles' give a great description of the psychological characteristics of moving from an ego dominant existence to a heart based one and the states you describe are very consistent with the early stages of disconnecting with the ego dominant state and reconnecting with and healing inner wounds.

Note the points about things you once took for granted not making sense anymore as progress and change - as part of this you can also lose things like old drives for creativity for a time and note particularly the pitfall of self judgement - this can really cause difficuties.

There are many useful points to observe in these and I sometimes return to them to reorientate myself when things get confusing to remind myself that confusion is expected. A good position to be in is to remind yourself, as Tolle reminds us, you are ultimately the observer - these things that happen to you are not you at the end of the day. They are experiences. In this everything you observe ultimately has purpose.

http://www.jeshua.net/lightworker/jeshua6.htm‎
http://www.jeshua.net/lightworker/jeshua7.htm‎
http://www.jeshua.net/lightworker/jeshua8.htm‎
http://www.jeshua.net/lightworker/jeshua9.htm‎

Use this link to get the site with the full menu visible

http://www.jeshua.net

This site is excellent and would recommend to anyone to listen to / read the channelings and other articles as well. It is updated every month with new channelings.

I also highly recommend to anyone on a spiritual journey read these online books... (This site overall is also very good) it will take a while but they are quite enlightening... but be open minded... like really open...

If 'Conversations with God' were 'The Hobbit' these books could be "The Lord of the Rings'... You will never look at the Universe or any experience in quite the same way again.

http://www.eaglespiritministry.com/tsun ... fmsint.htm

Simon

Jada02
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Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:36 pm

Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by Jada02 » Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:34 am

Sorry guys, I've been traveling and didn't have easy access to internet.

Oak tree: Yes I guess, I am scared of being scared. And hence don't want to look at it and admit it. I feel like I will weaken when I admit it to myself and admitting it to others?? Impossible. Then, every time I try and think, well others admit to their faults, mistakes and insecurities as well.. I miserably fail with it.

Luckily I can easily let go of past pain when things are going well, I don't hang on to things for longer periods as I know things come and go, and in reality have NOTHING to do with myself really. They just happen.
But when facing negativity and hurtful things... I'm just so sensitive and get lost in it.
I'm just tired of taking things personal, being hurt, feeling unworthy, weak and unwanted. I know I attract these things into my life by feeling them. Nonetheless, HOW DO I GET RID OF IT. AND, HOW DO I ACCEPT IT.

I am just over it, I tried, read, understood so many things, nonetheless I always come back to square one, since that feeling of unworthiness still lingers somewhere and manifests in reactions, feelings, relationships, work, everywhere. It seems, the more I'm aware of it being there, the stronger are it's effects on me and my surroundings.

There are so many things I want to do and be in this life, but I find myself not even starting anything anymore, since I know, with this feeling inside, I will begin, destroy, fail and be back at 0.

KUTTO:

Thank you for the links, they are truly helpful and I am still reading the posts.

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rideforever
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Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by rideforever » Fri Jul 19, 2013 2:05 pm

Hey I feel just the same with the core unworthiness ... but I am making good progress at the moment.

I am using a guided visualisation. In it you are invited to breath LIGHT into your heart. And then visualise yourself sitting opposite you, and send love to yourself.

Now when I do it, I see myself collapsed and feeling terrible, upset and shaking, and I go over and look after this one, this me. And soothe him. And then I place my hand over his heart and radiate my love into his heart.

Seems to be working. I feel finally I am in contact and moving forwards.

I'll put a link here. There is a slightly eccentric lady who gives this one ... all I can say is that it works for me, and that's good enough for me. It is quite short but I usually continue in my own time for 20 mins or so :

http://www.teloschannel.com/n-e-master-class-july-3
.
.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

magicbutterfly
Posts: 242
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:32 am

Re: Breaking THROUGH! More confusion and more pain...

Post by magicbutterfly » Fri Jul 19, 2013 4:37 pm

I get the sense that you're trying to swim upstream. Let go and let the river take you where it will. Trust the river. Do nothing.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

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