How do I make peace with being single?

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Spectrum
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How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:32 pm

Hi.

I am a 28-year-old man who am having trouble with girls. I have been attempting to find a relationship (or just sex, for that matter) for a good while, with little success.

I know that one of the most important factors that keep me from getting the girl(s) I want is the fact that I want it so much. I hate being single. I am desperate, and that scares people away. In "Law of Attraction" terms, I am "out of vibrational alignment" with the relationship I want.

Countless times this last year I have told myself that I want to come to terms with being single and learn to accept and appreciate my situation as it is. But I have not made any progress in that area. I have read many books, taken up a meditation practice and even taken a longer break from pursuing girls at all, in an effort to learn to accept my situation. To no avail. I still resent the crap out of it.

I have tried to focus on the good aspects of being single and enjoy those, but I simply can't find any. (People come up with all sorts of examples of how being in a relationship can be bad, but none of them match my experience. The arguments may be very true, but I cannot relate to them, so they have zero emotional power with me. In my experience, having a girlfriend is better than being single in every imaginable way.)

Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

Important note: I am not asking for dating advice. Please do not give me dating advice. Please do not tell me "just be yourself", "the right one is out there", "just have fun", etc. I have heard it all before, and it just makes me feel worse. This thread is not about how to attract women. This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.

Thanks in advance. :)

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:39 pm

Why do you want to accept a situation you do not want ?

You are 28 - I dont think it is going to work if you try to convince yourself you dont need a woman - it goes against everything your body is saying.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
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Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:24 pm

rideforever wrote:Why do you want to accept a situation you do not want ?
Because my attempts to attract girls keep failing and failing, and because people keep telling me that I need to accept my situation and stop being desperate. "What you resist persists" and all that.

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:37 pm

Aren't you resisting your needs ?

If you say to yourself "be happy without a relationship" ... isn't that just resisting your real needs ?

Why dont you talk a bit about your feelings and experience with women ...
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:27 pm

rideforever wrote:Why do you want to accept a situation you do not want ?

You are 28 - I dont think it is going to work if you try to convince yourself you dont need a woman - it goes against everything your body is saying.
I really think this is very poor advice. The body? What is the body saying? Does the body speak for itself?

What is the one that WANTS sex or a significant other? Who is the one that DESIRES?

I've personally learned how to date without attachment. It's a wonderful process to now interact with people without WANTING or NEEDING. Whatever happens, happens.

If you THINK the body requires something like a significant other, then ultimately, that will manifest into desire and you will search and search and search and suffering ensues. It's when you learn that you DO NOT need a signficant other or ANY other in your life which is when life actually happens. It's when you realize that this human life can end NOW with the status of being "single" and "I" am complete as is.

Granted, at the same time, it doesn't mean you can't do things to put yourself out there such as join a dating site, join local meet up groups. However, dwelling on it is not the answer either. It is what it is.

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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:29 pm

Spectrum wrote:
rideforever wrote:Why do you want to accept a situation you do not want ?
Because my attempts to attract girls keep failing and failing, and because people keep telling me that I need to accept my situation and stop being desperate. "What you resist persists" and all that.
What are you doing to attempt to attract girls? What kind of places are you going to meet girls? Have you considered dating sites or local activities such as meet up groups for interests that you enjoy? I've learned that the best way to meet people is by doing something that I myself enjoy doing and in that way, you meet more people you can relate to. At the same time, you can meet ANYONE, ANYWHERE. All you need to do is strike up a conversation.

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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:39 pm

rideforever wrote:Why dont you talk a bit about your feelings and experience with women ...
OK. I can do that.

(I am trying to write mostly uncensored, so please forgive the self-pity in the following. :) )

When I was a boy, I had the "ew, romance is gross and lame" mentality that is normal. I think I stayed at that stage for longer than most boys. Even though I developed an interest in girls in my late teens (falling in love for the first time at around 16), a part of me was always repulsed by the idea of love and romance. I hated love songs, I shied away from romantic movies, and I groaned whenever some author or philosopher told me that love was the most important thing in the world.

In 2006, at age 21, after a few unsuccesful attempts at dating, I discovered the seduction community, also known as "The Game". (You may have heard of it through the book The Game by Neill Strauss.) I began practicing the Game and building up my social skills and women skills. My progress was slow, but in 2010, at age 25, I finally managed to attract a girl who liked me. I lost my virginity with her.

I dated this girl for a few weeks. Then she wanted a long-term relationship. I did not want a relationship with her because I wasn't really attracted to her. But she threatened to dump me. At the time she was the only girl who wanted me, and I was not confident I could find another girl who wanted me if I lost her. So I agreed.

For a number of reasons, we stayed together for almost a year. Even though I was never in love nor even really sexually attracted to her, it was still a nice relationship, and I learned a lot from it. She and I are still in contact and see each other occasionally as friends.

We broke up in the spring of 2011. The few months after that count as the only time in my life where I have been almost happy about being single. After a long period with access to sex and intimacy I didn't feel so desperate, and I had at least some confidence that I would be able to find and attract a new and better girl.

Soon after, I met a wonderful girl and fell in love. After a month of anxiety and bumbling courtship, she decided she liked me back. We had sex, and week later we became a couple. I was crazy about her. For a while she was crazy about me, too. I was still anxious, though. I had a fear that she was too beautiful for me and that I could not satisfy her. I craved constant validation.

Then, after a month, she cheated on me.

I forgave her (as much as I was able), because I knew I wanted to be with her her more than anything. But I was afraid. I felt confirmed in my fear that I was not good enough and that I couldn't possibly keep her. And sure enough, after another month she left me.

I was devastated. I was also desperate to find a new girl to fill my void. I returned to "The Game" with renewed fervour. I hit on girls like no tomorrow. Progress was slow again. I went six months without sex until, in early 2012, a girl finally wanted me. Throughout 2012 I would get sex once in a while, but never anything that lasted. Once in a while I would develop feelings for a girl. Whatever my feelings for them, the girls all lost interest and went away pretty soon.

In december of 2012, I felt that I was stuck and needed to do something else. So I decided to take a break from pursuing girls and focus on my inner development. Inspired by "Law of Attraction" thinking (such as the Abraham-Hicks books), I decided to try to improve the way I felt about my love life and my life in general, rather than keep struggling on through my pain. I haven't had sex since.

Has the way I feel improved in this half year? Perhaps.

(I hope this story is a bit useful. It's late here in Denmark, so I am going to sleep. Thanks for all the replies, guys. I will read them more in detail tomorrow.)

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Mon Jul 15, 2013 11:39 pm

Hmm ... well that's an interesting experience you have had.

I wonder what you were feeling when you started with The Game ... and what the yucky feelings about romance were really about on the inside. Did you have any friends who were girls when you were younger ?

Maybe those yucky feelings are important ? I wonder what you really thought about women and sex back then.

Perhaps what you are looking for is a way to appreciate you as you. Not so much appreciate you being single ... but just appreciate your self. If you really know yourself, and enjoy yourself, and love yourself ... then you can show all that to someone you meet ... and then things can be fun.

I have been to Denmark, I must say I thought people there seemed very straightforward, the women as well. Not much game playing to my eyes, just straightforward relationships.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

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rachMiel
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rachMiel » Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:34 am

> This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.

By seeing things in black and white -- I'm single / I'm with someone -- you miss out on the spectacular set of grays in-between.

When I was around your age I gave up on romantic relationships, went celibate. I had suffered too much with falling in love and breaking up; it had made me emotionally unstable.

Lo and behold, when I went celibate, my non-romantic relationships blossomed. And many of these relationships were intimate and even sexy (though not sexual). By freeing myself from the constraints of the sex/dating game, I ended up opening myself to much deeper connections with women and men.

Caveat emptor: The relationship freedom I experienced was unplanned. In fact, had I "tried" to achieve this freedom by becoming celibate, I think it would have failed.

When it was no longer necessary for me to be celibate, that fell away of its own accord.

Love the grays! :-)
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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TemporalDissonance
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by TemporalDissonance » Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:48 am

I can't say I know much about "The Game". There may be some interesting tips on picking up/meeting girls, but have you ever consider meeting girls and other people as yourself, without pretending to be someone or "playing games"? Perhaps that's where it points to why you can't accept being alone? You may not being honest and true to yourself and others.

When someone is really seeking for a relationship, one can give up one's autonomy. One may be looking to have someone take control or be responsible for him/herself.

This leads to the questions: Are you afraid of being yourself? Or being alone? Is there something you don't like about yourself? If so, can you accept or learn to love that part of yourself? From there, you may find the root of why you haven't been able to accept your situation. You may be looking to have someone in your life to distract or fill some void in you instead of accepting something that's needs to be faced.
Last edited by TemporalDissonance on Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:33 am, edited 3 times in total.

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:03 am

rachMiel wrote:> This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.

By seeing things in black and white -- I'm single / I'm with someone -- you miss out on the spectacular set of grays in-between.

When I was around your age I gave up on romantic relationships, went celibate. I had suffered too much with falling in love and breaking up; it had made me emotionally unstable.

Lo and behold, when I went celibate, my non-romantic relationships blossomed. And many of these relationships were intimate and even sexy (though not sexual). By freeing myself from the constraints of the sex/dating game, I ended up opening myself to much deeper connections with women and men.

Caveat emptor: The relationship freedom I experienced was unplanned. In fact, had I "tried" to achieve this freedom by becoming celibate, I think it would have failed.

When it was no longer necessary for me to be celibate, that fell away of its own accord.

Love the grays! :-)
Great post man!

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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:20 am

Rideforever said:
Perhaps what you are looking for is a way to appreciate you as you.
This is sound ^^

'Make peace' sounds like you're fighting a battle with reality - (no choice is wrong....)

First fall in love with you, love, honour, cherish and respect you.

May I suggest a book - The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:34 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:What are you doing to attempt to attract girls? What kind of places are you going to meet girls? Have you considered dating sites or local activities such as meet up groups for interests that you enjoy? I've learned that the best way to meet people is by doing something that I myself enjoy doing and in that way, you meet more people you can relate to. At the same time, you can meet ANYONE, ANYWHERE. All you need to do is strike up a conversation.
I have gone to bars and clubs. (Talked to at least a few hundred girls there.)
I have tried online dating. (Sent letters to at least a few hundred girls.)
I have approached girls during the day wherever I met them: The street, on buses, in shops. (I have talked to over a thousand girls this way.)
I have been in a couple of theatre groups and a karate club. (Talked to a couple of girls here.)

I wish you were right, but striking up a conversation is not "all you need to do".
rideforever wrote:Hmm ... well that's an interesting experience you have had.

I wonder what you were feeling when you started with The Game ... and what the yucky feelings about romance were really about on the inside. Did you have any friends who were girls when you were younger ?
No. I mostly didn't have friends when I was younger. I only started making real friends when I was 18 or so, and have been gradually learning the art of having friends. I have only have female friends for maybe three years.
rideforever wrote:Maybe those yucky feelings are important ? I wonder what you really thought about women and sex back then.
I don't know what I thought back then. But I do know that I feel alienated from women. I tend to always assume that they want the opposite of what I want.
rideforever wrote:Perhaps what you are looking for is a way to appreciate you as you. Not so much appreciate you being single ... but just appreciate your self. If you really know yourself, and enjoy yourself, and love yourself ... then you can show all that to someone you meet ... and then things can be fun.
Yes. That would be nice.

I have never been able to understand the concept of "loving myself". The question has always seemed so abstract, so meaningless. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't picture what it means to love myself or not.

I can list many reasons why I should love myself and why others should love me. But emotionally, I do not feel love for myself. (Well, in my happy moments maybe I do. But in my neutral moments and unhappy moments, no.)

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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:05 pm

Hmm ...

Do you think it makes sense to talk about your family situation - do you think that could be involved ?

For instance, do you know what it is like when somebody loves you ? Did you feel that from your family, from your father and mother ... you know when they hold you in their arms ... do you feel a connection in your heart ?

I didn't connect well to the women in my family - I wonder if this is the same for you ... you say that you feel that women are always wanting the opposite thing from you ... often this comes from your early experiences with women in the family. Is there a connection ?

It would be good if you can remember back to some time when you felt loved ... then you have some picture to go towards ... is there something ? Some moment perhaps when somebody reached out to you ? Sometimes, it can be a stranger, a teacher ... who just for a moment notices you and reaches out ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:50 pm

rideforever wrote:I didn't connect well to the women in my family - I wonder if this is the same for you ... you say that you feel that women are always wanting the opposite thing from you ... often this comes from your early experiences with women in the family. Is there a connection ?
Nyeah, I don't know. I don't think that's it. I have always had a good relationship with my mother. I love her. She is a good mother.

I do, however, take after her a lot, and I believe I have inherited her weaknesses. These include a low social confidence and a general pessimism and skepticism. It is possible that I subconsciously resent her for this (but that is pure conjecture, not something I actually feel).

I have a sister, a few years younger than I, whom I also have a strong relation with. I consider her one of the people I am closest to and trust the most.
rideforever wrote:For instance, do you know what it is like when somebody loves you ? Did you feel that from your family, from your father and mother ... you know when they hold you in their arms ... do you feel a connection in your heart ?
Ooo... that one is tough. Well... I know intellectually that I was and am loved, but I did not feel a connection in my "heart", no. When you say it that way, I get the impression that you are looking for something spiritual, something that feels larger than everyday life. And I have not had that.
rideforever wrote:It would be good if you can remember back to some time when you felt loved ... then you have some picture to go towards ... is there something ? Some moment perhaps when somebody reached out to you ? Sometimes, it can be a stranger, a teacher ... who just for a moment notices you and reaches out ?
Well... when you say "somebody reached out to me", the first thing that springs to mind is something that happened shortly after my last girlfriend dumped me. I was on a train, crying openly. Some woman who sat nearby came over and seat next to me and tried to comfort me. That was sweet. She didn't speak Danish (and barely English), but she did the best she could. That gave me a little bit of faith in humanity.

Another thing is the converse: The times when I have felt truly loving. In the relationships I've had, there were a few times when my girlfriend was sad and cried. I actually really liked that, because it gave me a chance to be there for her and comfort her. I had the feeling that she needed me. I felt that I was of value of her, that I had something to contribute. And that it something I crave. The feeling that I have something to give and that I am of value to someone. I think this is the closest thing I have experienced to a "connection in the heart".

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