How do I make peace with being single?

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Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:52 pm

Thanks for all the replies. (I apologize for the negativity in my posts, but at the moment I am deliberately taking a break from positive thinking. I have some negative thoughts, and at the moment I prefer to express them.)
TemporalDissonance wrote:I can't say I know much about "The Game". There may be some interesting tips on picking up/meeting girls, but have you ever consider meeting girls and other people as yourself, without pretending to be someone or "playing games"? Perhaps that's where it points to why you can't accept being alone? You may not being honest and true to yourself and others.
I have always tried my best to be myself. If there is a way to be "more myself" then I do not know it.
TemporalDissonance wrote:This leads to the questions: Are you afraid of being yourself? Or being alone? Is there something you don't like about yourself? If so, can you accept or learn to love that part of yourself? From there, you may find the root of why you haven't been able to accept your situation. You may be looking to have someone in your life to distract or fill some void in you instead of accepting something that's needs to be faced.
That is a good question. Let me think. What things do I dislike about myself?

One thing I feel very insecure about is masculinity. I do not feel like a "man". I feel like a big boy. That scares me. This has to do with several things:
* My physique (I feel scrawny, weak)
* My history (I lived with my parents until I was 25 and feel insecure about my degree of independence)
* My sexuality (I feel guilt over some of my sexual desires, and I fear I cannot satisfy a woman)
* My social skills (I feel I am not skilled enough to be a good friend or partner)
* and perhaps more things.

I don't think this is the root of my problem, though. This wasn't something I consciously worried about when I was younger. I only started worrying about my masculinity for the last couple of years, precisely because I fear I am not masculine enough to attract the girl(s) I want. Therefore, I suspect that this is a symptom of my longing for sex and relationship rather than a cause of it.

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:10 pm

It's very helpful for you to have so much material, I think there is a lot of help there.

From my view, I would say :

Your feelings are most likely the key to helping you. All those precious moments that you have had with these women over the years, those feelings in your chest are where you need to go to understand.

And ... it seems that the overthinking that you seem to have, your over-analysis, over-emphasis on thinking, perhaps might come from your mother.

But you will see as is the case of The Game ... that it does not work. This way of approaching life does not lead to success.

Think of how many years you were on The Game and your low success rate - intellectually you can see that this way of thinking towards relationships rather than feeling ... does not work.

Actually your feelings are the things that you can follow that lead to success. They are the things that you value, it would seem. Go into them and discover your self, I would say.

That moment when that woman sat next to you on the train, you said that it gave you faith in humanity. Ok, but what did you feel ... in your stomach, in your heart. What was it ? Do you remember ?

All the other aspects like physique, history, sexuality ... etc... these I would just acknowledge but do not try to fix them one by one ... look for the source.

Utlimately it must come down to your love for yourself, and your relationship with yourself. To come more in contact with your emotions, and your emotional needs ... to feel connected to your heart.

To learn to prioritise your feelings, to trust them as the True guide of what you want, and what you are.

And to let go of over-thinking.

The job of the mind is to understand that the heart must lead.

If you are in the heart, believe me from my own experience, everything starts working automatically. Your only effort is to remember your feelings, your heart, your real love and desires.

It would be very good to breathe into your heart, or similar meditation, every day in the morning and night ... for a week ... and see what the result is.

And to reflect upon the love that you have felt, either giving or receiving, from the people you have been close to.

Your work with Presence can begin here as it is important for you, be present to what your deepmost feelings are telling you, let them lead you. Move away from thought, and come back home to your reality inside. To who you really are. Accept this one, this one with the heart, this one who wants to love another, and who wants to be loved. Accept this one.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:21 pm

From my point of view for whatever it's worth (I'm a 32 year old single guy), sounds like you are relying too much on ideas of 'wanting' and "doing" in these books like the "Game" and books and ideas of law of attraction. "The "Game" told me THIS is how I'm supposed to pick up chicks. The Law of Attraction told me THIS is how I'm supposed to pick up chicks. That's what books like "The Game" promote. They make you feel as though you are doing something WRONG with your life and "THIS" is the right way to do it. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. There IS no right or wrong unless you THINK there is a right or wrong. One of my good friends promotes the book as though it's the 'bible' of picking up girls. I don't buy into that stuff.

Have you read any Eckhart Tolle books? I assume so since you're on an ET forum. What have you taken out of those books? What have you taken from Eckhart Tolle's message?

What I meant by striking up a conversation is simply JUST that. Just talk to ANYONE....men/women. Stop thinking so much in terms of GENDER and the OUTCOME. Just be with what is. In the process, you meet ALL kinds of wonderful people in your life whether it's friends or something else.

Ok, you've been to some meetup groups. Awesome. You shouldn't be going to a group though with the INTENTION of trying to meet girls. You join a group in order to find an activity you enjoy. In the PROCESS, you often meet people who you have things in common with whether it's men OR women, rather than going to a group for karate TRYING to meet girls.

I think everyone has given you some good advice in this thread. Read RachMiel's post again dude. I think his post speaks volumes. You're over thinking this. It's learning to ACCEPT what your situation is RIGHT NOW. It doesn't mean you're NEVER going to meet anyone. It means right NOW, your relationship status is "single". The more and more you identify with each thought, you're creating a bigger and bigger story surrounding your "singleness" and you become totally identified WITH that "singleness". "Singleness" is merely a concept that's arising in awareness (you) and after all who or what is the one wanting here to be NOT single?

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:43 pm

Thanks for the replies. I do appreciate them. I will respond later when I can.

karmarider
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by karmarider » Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:15 pm

Spectrum wrote:This thread is not about how to attract women. This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.[/i]
Here's my experience of acceptance.

Acceptance is not something I do. It is something I stop doing. I stop resisting.

In my experience, acceptance does not come about with me convincing myself of all the intellectual reasons why I should accept. So, in your case, it is not convincing yourself of all the reasons why it is perfectly okay for you be single. Acceptance, or really the letting go of resistance, comes about as fear goes.

And so these spiritual things which we try to do, like acceptance and love and forgiveness and compassion and being-okay and being-present and so on, are in my experience, things that I need not do at all. All I need do is let go of the fear behind them, and the rest is just very natural.

And so I suggest to you to understand the role fear plays in all of this. In my experience, a release technique had been very helpful. And the looking-at-you technique by John Sherman.

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Z3N
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Z3N » Wed Jul 17, 2013 2:48 am

Making a fight out of it (resistance vs acceptance) is really a way to continue resistance - accept that you resist and be fine with that, know it is okay to not be okay with the situation, and if you can't, well then that's okay too! you really can't do it wrong, not ever. - what is, is right - someone said that, one time, some when. =]

Rubber Soul
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Rubber Soul » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:35 am

Maybe a person can only experience Presence if they have a sex partner to satisfy the libido, and that's the only reason I can not be Present.

I can't think of one highly successful person who is a virgin or sexually inactive.

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Wed Jul 17, 2013 8:07 pm

Rubber Soul,

It's not about resisting the urge to have sex. If you want sex, then go out and get sex. However, if you can't find it right now, are you implying that he should sit here and worry now that he can't be "successful" until he finds it? Don't you think that's putting more stress on him? That's only going to make his mind more active in thinking "I can't be successful in being present if I don't satisfy this "desire".

ET and spiritual teachers of his kind teach to accept WHATEVER comes up in the present moment. If there is a desire for sex, either act on it or acknowlede its there sinply. If you act on it and are unsuccessful at "finding it", should one dwell and worry that they can't be "complete" without it? If you really believe that, I would suggest that is YOUR ego creating false expectations in your own mind.

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SandyJoy
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by SandyJoy » Wed Jul 17, 2013 8:38 pm

Sorry, my mistake -- :D
Last edited by SandyJoy on Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
You are not finished, until you play in that meadow and live there. You can, you know. But only you can take yourself there.

Rubber Soul
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Rubber Soul » Wed Jul 17, 2013 8:56 pm

I was just complaining about my life situation.

I still think it might be true though. At least in my case.

Only sexually satisfied people are unable to empathize with me.

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SandyJoy
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by SandyJoy » Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:02 pm

I'll let you guys work all this out--- I am in the wrong place here, obviously. :lol:
Last edited by SandyJoy on Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You are not finished, until you play in that meadow and live there. You can, you know. But only you can take yourself there.

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:15 pm

I'm speaking on behalf of "spectrum". He's posting because he's clearly over thinking this relationship/sex thing. Telling him he essentially can't be successful until he GETS that-be it sex or relationship, I just think is leading him in the wrong direction.

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:34 pm

Rubber Soul wrote:I can't think of one highly successful person who is a virgin or sexually inactive.
The Dalai Lama?

Rubber Soul
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Rubber Soul » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:16 pm

SandyJoy wrote:I am in the wrong place here, obviously. :lol:
Correct, I'm only interested in the opinion of Enlightened Virgins. Assuming there is such a thing.

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:22 pm

rideforever wrote:And ... it seems that the overthinking that you seem to have, your over-analysis, over-emphasis on thinking, perhaps might come from your mother.

But you will see as is the case of The Game ... that it does not work. This way of approaching life does not lead to success.

Think of how many years you were on The Game and your low success rate - intellectually you can see that this way of thinking towards relationships rather than feeling ... does not work.
I am not convinced about that. My "success rate" with the Game has been disappointing, but it is still significantly greater than zero. Whereas my "success rate" with any other approach to women is exactly zero. So while it is not perfect, it is still empirically better than any alternative I know.
rideforever wrote:That moment when that woman sat next to you on the train, you said that it gave you faith in humanity. Ok, but what did you feel ... in your stomach, in your heart. What was it ? Do you remember ?
No. I don't. I can try to reconstruct it intellectually, but I cannot remember what it felt like. I don't know how to recall a feeling.
rideforever wrote:Utlimately it must come down to your love for yourself, and your relationship with yourself. To come more in contact with your emotions, and your emotional needs ... to feel connected to your heart.

To learn to prioritise your feelings, to trust them as the True guide of what you want, and what you are.

And to let go of over-thinking.

The job of the mind is to understand that the heart must lead.

If you are in the heart, believe me from my own experience, everything starts working automatically. Your only effort is to remember your feelings, your heart, your real love and desires.

It would be very good to breathe into your heart, or similar meditation, every day in the morning and night ... for a week ... and see what the result is.

And to reflect upon the love that you have felt, either giving or receiving, from the people you have been close to.

Your work with Presence can begin here as it is important for you, be present to what your deepmost feelings are telling you, let them lead you. Move away from thought, and come back home to your reality inside. To who you really are. Accept this one, this one with the heart, this one who wants to love another, and who wants to be loved. Accept this one.
Your advice seems good, but it is extremely hard for me to understand it. I don't know if I can follow it. I am trying to grasp what it is you want me to do, but I don't think I get it.

The "breathe into your heart" part... can you explain that again? How do I do that?

Thanks. :)

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