How do I make peace with being single?

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mej1
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by mej1 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:56 am

Hi just read the original post and had some thoughts come to mind.

I have felt like this, and what has helped me through the thinking and getting down on myself about this, is I suppose putting up with myself for one, then finding people who listen to me and not judge or give advice, just listen and love me, and researching stuff.

Is it Katie Byron who says you are the one you are looking for?

I have over the years tried to find the one to complete me and all that, it didn't work. When I was happy and with someone it really felt good, then when it turned to crap, I wondered why has she got the power to make me feel that good? Why is that power not with me, and with someone else?

It was because I thought I needed external things or people to make me feel that good feeling. I thought when that good feeling was taken away after the last breakup, isn't that inside me? Why cant I access that when Im single? And I find yes it is a hard thing to do, but its something Im still trying to figure out.

I think love is different to sex too.

And love is all we need ultimately, and there is a saying that love is the essence of ourselves.

Theres just so much ego and complications in the way I find!!

magicbutterfly
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by magicbutterfly » Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:14 pm

Isn't ego all about fear, power and competition? I really don't think it is possible to love someone if the ego is involved.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Enlightened2B
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:51 pm

magicbutterfly wrote:Isn't ego all about fear, power and competition? I really don't think it is possible to love someone if the ego is involved.
Love is always there in our true state, but it is masked when ego takes over.

magicbutterfly
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by magicbutterfly » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:13 pm

Love is always there in our true state, but it is masked when ego takes over.
So, with most of the world being ran by the ego, no wonder so many relationships fail. :(
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:39 pm

Thanks for the thoughts.


Accepting unhappiness

These days I am deliberately NOT doing Law of Attraction processes because I don't want to force myself to be happy. As soon as I begin thinking about Law of Attraction and manifestation and vibration, I become MORE needy and more desperate to fix the horribly unacceptable situation that is my negative emotion. The more I think about Abrahamic processes, the more I worry and obsess about getting "over there", and the more I resent and resist my current reality. I don't want to do that.

I want to come to terms with my negative emotion and negative thoughts.

These days I am pretty unhappy. I have had many "down"-days in a row, and I suspect this pattern will continue for a while. And maybe that's not ALL bad.

I am very afraid of negative emotion. I resist it like crazy. I would like to change that. So these days I am deliberately not trying to feel happy. I am trying to face and accept the thoughts and feelings I have.

Will it lead anywhere? Who knows. It's worth a shot, though.



Anger

I have noticed recently that I am getting these fits of anger. It usually happens when I am reading about self-development topics and I encounter something that reminds me of my thwarted desire:

* Some piece of advice that I feel I cannot follow, like "just love yourself" (which makes me feel powerless).
* Some happy statement that I cannot believe, like "you need to realize that you are already enlightened" (which makes me feel alienated).
* Some example of people who are successful and happy (which makes me feel cheated and jealous).

I feel a surge of hate and a desire to lash out at something. I often express it by hitting some object (that I know won't break) or breaking some object that I would throw out anyway. This seems to me a benign way of venting the anger.

I have noticed that these fits of anger have grown more frequent these last several weeks. Or maybe I just notice them more because I am more aware than before.

I suppose this is OK, in light of the above.

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treasuretheday
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by treasuretheday » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:28 pm

I'm not on top of the nuances of LoA, but it seems the nuts and bolts of it is "reaping what we sow." To change next year's harvest, we change today's thoughts. Also seems appreciation and gratitude factor in largely. Rings true to me that the choice to appreciate could support happiness, as surely as the choice to depreciate could facilitate despair. One dispostion uplifts while the other devalues.

That's not "forcing" happiness, imo, but creating conditions that are conducive to it. Kind of like putting a birdhouse in your backyard. You are not forcing anyone to take up residence there, but by offering them a place to dwell, you are certainly increasing the odds that the bluebirds of happiness will pay you a visit.

It is admirable that you are not denying your anger. Good for you. Explore it and be with it. To be grateful for the inspiring and uplifting things in your life is worthy of your attention too. Sometimes it is easier to feel anger and despair than it is to allow happiness to unfold. Sometimes "happy" is scarier than "mad." Sometimes the only emotion men allow themselves to feel is anger. (It's macho, you know!). But you're not a one trick pony. What else is going on there?

You seem to feel like you are a victim of what happens in your life. You have related to your experience as something you must conquer and control. Life is not blessing or punishing you. It is working with you to help you awaken to the truth of who you are. It is constantly giving you feedback.
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child

magicbutterfly
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by magicbutterfly » Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:50 am

It must be difficult to face the fact that the world is not giving you what you need. Besides anger, I also sense in you major frustration. And of course the ego is fighting for survival. How will it all play out? Perhaps you are nearing a major breakthrough similar to what Eckhart Tolle had? Hugs.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

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far_eastofwest
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by far_eastofwest » Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:13 am

Spectrum wrote:Thanks for the thoughts.

Anger

I have noticed recently that I am getting these fits of anger. It usually happens when I am reading about self-development topics and I encounter something that reminds me of my thwarted desire:

* Some piece of advice that I feel I cannot follow, like "just love yourself" (which makes me feel powerless).
* Some happy statement that I cannot believe, like "you need to realize that you are already enlightened" (which makes me feel alienated).
* Some example of people who are successful and happy (which makes me feel cheated and jealous).

I feel a surge of hate and a desire to lash out at something. I often express it by hitting some object (that I know won't break) or breaking some object that I would throw out anyway. This seems to me a benign way of venting the anger.

I have noticed that these fits of anger have grown more frequent these last several weeks. Or maybe I just notice them more because I am more aware than before.

I suppose this is OK, in light of the above.

Check out angriesout.com

its a super site!!!
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Fri Jul 26, 2013 7:34 pm

treasuretheday wrote:I'm not on top of the nuances of LoA, but it seems the nuts and bolts of it is "reaping what we sow." To change next year's harvest, we change today's thoughts. Also seems appreciation and gratitude factor in largely. Rings true to me that the choice to appreciate could support happiness, as surely as the choice to depreciate could facilitate despair. One dispostion uplifts while the other devalues.
Yeah. I am not reaching for gratitude, though, because it's too far out of my reach at the moment. I need to move up one emotional "step" at the time.
treasuretheday wrote:Sometimes it is easier to feel anger and despair than it is to allow happiness to unfold. Sometimes "happy" is scarier than "mad." Sometimes the only emotion men allow themselves to feel is anger. (It's macho, you know!). But you're not a one trick pony. What else is going on there?
I have often heard about how we people are afraid of success and afraid of being happy. Some part of me feels that there is truth in it and that it is something I can use, but I have never been able to understand it. So... maybe I am afraid of being happy. I don't know. How can I tell? :S
treasuretheday wrote:You seem to feel like you are a victim of what happens in your life. You have related to your experience as something you must conquer and control. Life is not blessing or punishing you. It is working with you to help you awaken to the truth of who you are. It is constantly giving you feedback.
Yes. I very often feel like a victim of what happens in my life. And yes, I do feel that I need to conquer and control life in order to be happy.

I am afraid of "submitting" to life and accepting what happens. I fear that I will lose all power. When I struggle to change my life, I may not have much control, but at least I have more than zero, and that gives me hope. If I accept the world and stop struggling, I fear I will lose even that little measure of control that I have. And how then am I supposed to be happy? I fear that.

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Fri Jul 26, 2013 7:43 pm

magicbutterfly wrote:It must be difficult to face the fact that the world is not giving you what you need. Besides anger, I also sense in you major frustration.
Definitely. It seems that whenever I try to achieve something external (such as pick up a girl), I experience nothing but endless failure and rejection. And when I try to follow spiritual advice ("love yourself", "be grateful for what you have", "accept what is"), I just feel... nothing.
magicbutterfly wrote:How will it all play out? Perhaps you are nearing a major breakthrough similar to what Eckhart Tolle had? Hugs.
Let's hope. And thanks for the hug. :)

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Fri Aug 30, 2013 1:30 pm

I have not made any progress since last time I posted. But I can tell you what my current plan is.

I want to be happy. I believe that I will need a great relationship in order to be happy. I need to be able to attract girls in order to get a relationship. I need to practice my attraction skills in order to attract girls. I believe I will need to develop a much more optimistic mentality before it makes sense to practice any external attraction skills. To do that I need to learn positive thinking. Positive thinking is impossible for me right now because I am filled with negativitiy.

These last months I have suffered from depression because I have many very strong negative thoughts and feelings. This mostly stems from the belief that I am stuck in my life and unable to achieve anything. I suspect that the way forward is to go "into" the negativity and "face" it. To learn to accept it and not be governed by it.

I have been meditating for half a year. During this time I have grown more negative and depressed than ever before. This looks like a bad thing at first glance. I want to believe that it is actually a good thing because the depression can teach me things. I don't know if this is true, of course, but I want to believe it.

Currently I am pursuing three different ways of dealing with negativity:

* Meditation with LifeFlow.
* John Sherman's method of "looking at yourself".
* EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

My tentative plan is:

1. Learn to cope with negativity using the methods mentioned above.
2. When I am no longer governed by uncontrollable negativity, practice positive thinking.
3. When positive thinking is an ingrained habit, practice attracting girls.
4. When I am good at attracting girls, find a suitable girl and get into a relationship.
5. Enjoy.

Right now I don't believe this plan will work. It seems that the more I strive towards a goal, the more obstacles appear, and the goal just moves further and further away. I believe that I am so horribly broken that I can spend all my life trying to fix myself and never get to a point where I am able to start living and begin to enjoy life and achieve external things.

I will probably never find happiness. But as long as I have a tiny bit of hope, trying is better than giving up. Let's see how long that hope lasts.

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Fri Aug 30, 2013 4:11 pm

You are correct that your current plan will not work. Because YOU are not in the plan. And you must intuitively notice that something big is missing.

Positive thinking leads to negative thinking, because you are still trying to control things - you are still inventing things. Becoming yourself is not a question of inventing anything.

Hope is not quite what you need, it is more that you need to go inside and find YOU. When you are YOU then women fall at your feet. When a woman says "I want someone who is strong, confident" .. what do they mean ? They don't mean a man with a loud voice. They want someone who is himself. What they want is YOU. But YOU are not here. YOU are hiding inside. YOU are missing. So ... women want the same things as you want. They want YOU to arrive. They are on your side, really.

I am not sure what LIFEFLOW is but if it isn't working ditch it. 6 months is certainly enough. If it smells like a dead duck, it is a dead duck.

Vipassana is a good meditation technique, as are Osho techniques. Do one of them instead.

If you do 6 months of Vipassana 2hrs a day I guarantee that your life will be transformed. There is no question of that, it is just powerful and that's why people have used it for 10,000 years. You can find a Vipassana teacher near you I am sure - there are many these days - and start with an evening class.

Do it, help yourself, don't waste time. Use the most powerful techniques possible.

EFT is good, but in a small way. What it does is Wake you up. It's easy to learn on youtube. However Vipassana wakes you up in a permanent way.

Through Vipassana you are letting go of your control effort, and becoming yourself. Once you are yourself again, your life will work, women will work.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

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rideforever
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by rideforever » Fri Aug 30, 2013 4:23 pm

In short new strategic plan :

* Vipassana
* John Sherman's method of "looking at yourself".
* EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).
* Some workshops involving women (at a personal growth centre, or painting, or dancing, or sport etc...)

My tentative plan is:

1. Commit to these 3 techniques with my best efforts
2. In the workshops gradually learn to be myself with women
3. Happiness
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Spectrum
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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by Spectrum » Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:52 am

rideforever wrote:I am not sure what LIFEFLOW is
LifeFlow is a series of "brainwave entrainment" sound files. They are supposed to be used in conjunction with a meditation technique (any technique) aid the meditator reach the deeper, more relaxed meditation states.

Its website is: http://www.project-meditation.org/
Vipassana is a good meditation technique, as are Osho techniques. Do one of them instead.

If you do 6 months of Vipassana 2hrs a day I guarantee that your life will be transformed. There is no question of that, it is just powerful and that's why people have used it for 10,000 years. You can find a Vipassana teacher near you I am sure - there are many these days - and start with an evening class.

Do it, help yourself, don't waste time. Use the most powerful techniques possible.
Do you mean something similar to this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNmxxbqJMxI

That sounds like something I can use. Thanks for the suggestion. I will start out using the pointers in the video above and also go look for a teacher or course.
rideforever wrote:In short new strategic plan :

...
* Some workshops involving women (at a personal growth centre, or painting, or dancing, or sport etc...)
...
2. In the workshops gradually learn to be myself with women
How am I supposed to go about doing that? By which I mean: What first step should I take?

I ALWAYS try to be "myself" with women and with everyone. I have tried to learn to be "myself" for years now. If you tell me to go out and practice "being myself" I will interpet it as "do what I want to do", which is equal to "do what I usually do".

Do you have anything specific?

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Re: How do I make peace with being single?

Post by karmarider » Sat Aug 31, 2013 12:49 pm

Spectrum, you're doing fine. From your other posts, it's clear that you are not letting spirituality seduce you. So there's no reason to start fooling yourself with doe-eyed spiritual promises now.

You have a pretty good plan. Use your intuition.

You can check out Vippassana if you want. But it's not going to wake you up in a permananent way; neither are spiritual babes going to fall at your feet when you are you. There's no need to get silly about this.

My guess is you will like the practicality and effectiveness of Sherman's technique. EFT helps you release harsh emotions; it seems to work for some and not for others; if it doesn't work for you, there are plenty of other release techniques to try. Meditate if you want to; it does seem to have physiological benefits and settles the mind and trains attention.
Last edited by karmarider on Sat Aug 31, 2013 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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