Open relationships

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Open relationships

Postby alex » Sat Aug 16, 2014 1:02 pm

Anyone got any experience with them?
I have trouble conforming to societal norms in the relationship department. I'm 27 with a partner who works away a lot. We have a beautiful son and lovely home. Sometimes, though, I just want to bust out of all the 'rules' have other lovers, dance to loud music and just get in the thick of it. You know? Am I just being totally selfish?
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Aug 16, 2014 4:15 pm

Just had this discussion in another thread with another poster. If you want my opinion, if your partner is on the same page as you, then how is it selfish?

I see nothing at all wrong with open relationships if both parties are agreeable to it. Monogamy is not for everyone.

But, talk to your partner first and see how they feel about it.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby dijmart » Sat Aug 16, 2014 4:55 pm

On the flip side, tomorrows my 23rd wedding anniversary. I don't think our marriage would have lasted if we had an open relationship, to many variables at work in a situation like that. Not to mention the sexual transmitted diseases out there that you not only could get yourself, but from your partner. Condoms do break! How would your partner feel if you got prego from someone else?
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby KathleenBrugger » Sat Aug 16, 2014 8:34 pm

I have had open relationships. First with my college boyfriend, and then with my husband, who I have now been married to for 34 years. I agree with E2B, it's not selfish if it's something that both of you want. HONESTY is vital. Honesty with yourself, with each other, and with whoever you bring into the mix. Jealousies are natural and you've got to be willing to work through the problems.

Yes, monogamy isn't for everyone, and I think there's a lot more who aren't monogamous than are--imo this is a big part of why we have such a high divorce rate. I've long thought that if our culture figured out how to open up a little bit sexually, and there was more freedom to have outside sexual relationships within a committed relationship, the divorce rate would drop. I think it's natural to have sexual feelings for certain people we meet, and if you're in a committed "closed" relationship you have to either suppress your desires, or have a covert affair which almost always leads to problems.

My husband and I have been monogamous for many years now. For one thing, we're getting old and sexuality isn't such a big deal anymore. :D Plus, we found that having an open relationship is a difficult thing to pull off, there are so many emotions to balance, and we got progressively choosier until we ended up just the two of us.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby alex » Sat Aug 16, 2014 11:38 pm

Thanks for the replies beautiful people.
I'm going to bring it up with my partner. I really hope he's open to it.
I think that for a while now I've used spirituality to kind of try to overcome and deny those innate desires. Just sitting at home alone in the blissful now somehow doesn't feel like enough anymore. Life wants to burst out of my chest. I want to experience so much more of it. The pain and excitement and confusion and love (and hot sex ;) ).
Thanks again!
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Phil2 » Sun Aug 17, 2014 9:28 am

alex wrote: I want to experience so much more of it. The pain and excitement and confusion and love (and hot sex ;) ).


So you are looking for pleasure ... good luck !

:lol:
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Re: Open relationships

Postby far_eastofwest » Sun Aug 17, 2014 10:07 am

Well, my opinion only, if you go for having sex with different people than your primary partner (the one that shares the bills with you) then you may well get the pain and confusion.
As for hot sex.... well thats easy, just buy a nice long wig and a sailor moon outfit and see how that works......... (and something nice for yourself too, lol) and spark things up with the one you have, being away for periods of time can be seen as a time to be 'alone' or a period of lead up to 'being together'.
just my two cents
oh, and people don't talk about it but there is the downside of all those sexually transmitted diseases which having a monogamous relationship doesn't involve.
Hepatitis.... genital warts.... herpes.... chlamydia... et el quite a list and 'protection' doesn't really work for these things.

cheers
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Phil2 » Sun Aug 17, 2014 10:23 am

far_eastofwest wrote:oh, and people don't talk about it but there is the downside of all those sexually transmitted diseases which having a monogamous relationship doesn't involve.
Hepatitis.... genital warts.... herpes.... chlamydia... et el quite a list and 'protection' doesn't really work for these things.


Yes, clearly a 'red light' ...

:lol:
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Re: Open relationships

Postby alex » Sun Aug 17, 2014 12:26 pm

So you are looking for pleasure ... good luck !


Well.... yes. But why not? Pleasure is life too. I am open to it all! Also, I said "the pain and excitement and confusion and love" (not just pleasure) in other words.. Life! All of it, not holding one experience in higher regard than another. In allowing it all one comes to know the still centre in which all experience arises.
I feel that through living life and experiencing many situations I am more likely to discover those hidden belief systems that keep me deluded and locked in separation. I am giving myself ample opportunity to 'test' my openness. I don't want to hide from anything.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby alex » Sun Aug 17, 2014 12:35 pm

Well, my opinion only, if you go for having sex with different people than your primary partner (the one that shares the bills with you) then you may well get the pain and confusion.


Yes surely a possibility on both sides but pain and confusion have always been my biggest awakeners. I don't see a problem with that. I'll know that I'm believing something that isn't ultimately true and not accepting life in some way.
I've been speaking to my partner about it and, bless him, he's happy to try it if I want to.
Life is the biggest teacher of them all. I'm brave enough to take the plunge.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Phil2 » Sun Aug 17, 2014 1:50 pm

alex wrote:
So you are looking for pleasure ... good luck !


Well.... yes. But why not? Pleasure is life too.


Maybe you could consider this quote from J. Krishnamurti who often addressed those issues about looking for pleasure:

J.Krishnamurti wrote:There is a vast difference between pleasure and love. Consider it for a minute. All our relationships between man and woman, between ourselves and each other, is based on pleasure. And, pleasure always brings pain; it is a fact. And, where there is pleasure, there is no love. Love is not a process of thinking; love is not the result of a thought, whereas pleasure is. If you understand that, not intellectually, verbally reasoned out, if you see the fact that pleasure destroys love, and where there is pleasure there is no joy; if you see very clearly that you function on pleasure, that all your activity, all your thinking, all your being - including your gods - everything is based on pleasure which is the result of thought; if you see that it is thought which gives continuity to pleasure, which is desire; and, if you see this whole structure, then where does fear come in at all?



Collected Works, Vol. XVI,62

http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/krishnamur ... t=Pleasure
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Sun Aug 17, 2014 3:37 pm

I agree with Kathleen. But, Far brings up a very good point about STD's. It's probably the one main reason I will not take part in an open relationship. But, if your partner is agreeing to it as well, then both parties are agreeing to take that risk.

So, enjoy the ride.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby KathleenBrugger » Sun Aug 17, 2014 8:27 pm

alex wrote:
Well, my opinion only, if you go for having sex with different people than your primary partner (the one that shares the bills with you) then you may well get the pain and confusion.


Yes surely a possibility on both sides but pain and confusion have always been my biggest awakeners. I don't see a problem with that. I'll know that I'm believing something that isn't ultimately true and not accepting life in some way.
I've been speaking to my partner about it and, bless him, he's happy to try it if I want to.
Life is the biggest teacher of them all. I'm brave enough to take the plunge.

Good for you Alex! Being willing to embrace the pain and confusion should be a big help on the ride. I wish you and your partner the best in your journey.

I am one of those on this forum who think that embracing the experience of life is why we're here, and that means embracing all of it, eminently including the pleasures of the senses. I am not an advocate of spirituality=removal from life. Imo, this has been propagated by a lot of teachers, both explicitly by teachers advocating retreat from the world, and implicitly by other teachers never talking about sexuality. During one period of my life I read a lot of spiritual books, and one thing I was looking for was some guidance on sexuality. How does your approach to sex change as you grow in consciousness? I never found much on the subject. I came up with some ideas of my own, I call it "clean sex," and there's a chapter on that in my book We Are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Sun Aug 17, 2014 9:16 pm

KathleenBrugger wrote:I am one of those on this forum who think that embracing the experience of life is why we're here, and that means embracing all of it, eminently including the pleasures of the senses. I am not an advocate of spirituality=removal from life. Imo, this has been propagated by a lot of teachers, both explicitly by teachers advocating retreat from the world, and implicitly by other teachers never talking about sexuality. During one period of my life I read a lot of spiritual books, and one thing I was looking for was some guidance on sexuality. How does your approach to sex change as you grow in consciousness? I never found much on the subject. I came up with some ideas of my own, I call it "clean sex," and there's a chapter on that in my book We Are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity.


Nicely said Kathleen.

I've talked about this with a couple of close friends and we agreed on this basic premise which is just an image, but I think it makes sense somewhat if one were to go down this path. If I were to ever embark down the 'open relationship' route, it would not be in the traditional sense of having sex with multiple people at the same time and then having sex with my spouse, because I do think that's a bit dangerous especially with the disease issues.

Instead, if there were no children involved, it would be me and my life partner/spouse/companion, but sexual relations would not be limited to this person or might not take place at all. It might strictly be companionship. Outside of this companionship, we would explore sexuality with one partner at a time and no more than one partner and make sure we knew that this sexual partner was 'clean'.

This way, your relationship with your partner/companion/spouse is not limited/clouded by sex and you are exploring sexuality outside of the limitations of the monogamous relationship. Not to mention that it might solve some 'marital' issues that take place between spouses today. Can't always be on the same page sexually, but if you have so many other facets of life to share with this person, why should one area of your life have to falter?

Just an idea. If children are involved, I feel it's a bit of a different situation. But, point being that you don't have to go crazy having sex with multiple random people to have an 'open relationship', but you can simply have sex with one person still, and STILL have an open relationship. It depends on the parties involved.
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Re: Open relationships

Postby KathleenBrugger » Sun Aug 17, 2014 10:10 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:
KathleenBrugger wrote:I am one of those on this forum who think that embracing the experience of life is why we're here, and that means embracing all of it, eminently including the pleasures of the senses. I am not an advocate of spirituality=removal from life. Imo, this has been propagated by a lot of teachers, both explicitly by teachers advocating retreat from the world, and implicitly by other teachers never talking about sexuality. During one period of my life I read a lot of spiritual books, and one thing I was looking for was some guidance on sexuality. How does your approach to sex change as you grow in consciousness? I never found much on the subject. I came up with some ideas of my own, I call it "clean sex," and there's a chapter on that in my book We Are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity.

Nicely said Kathleen.

I've talked about this with a couple of close friends and we agreed on this basic premise which is just an image, but I think it makes sense somewhat if one were to go down this path. If I were to ever embark down the 'open relationship' route, it would not be in the traditional sense of having sex with multiple people at the same time and then having sex with my spouse, because I do think that's a bit dangerous especially with the disease issues.

Instead, if there were no children involved, it would be me and my life partner/spouse/companion, but sexual relations would not be limited to this person or might not take place at all. It might strictly be companionship. Outside of this companionship, we would explore sexuality with one partner at a time and no more than one partner and make sure we knew that this sexual partner was 'clean'.

This way, your relationship with your partner/companion/spouse is not limited/clouded by sex and you are exploring sexuality outside of the limitations of the monogamous relationship. Not to mention that it might solve some 'marital' issues that take place between spouses today. Can't always be on the same page sexually, but if you have so many other facets of life to share with this person, why should one area of your life have to falter?

Just an idea. If children are involved, I feel it's a bit of a different situation. But, point being that you don't have to go crazy having sex with multiple random people to have an 'open relationship', but you can simply have sex with one person still, and STILL have an open relationship. It depends on the parties involved.

Yes exactly E2B. "Open relationship" doesn't mean a swinger lifestyle necessarily. It can mean carefully selected partners. It doesn't necessarily mean one person going off and having a separate relationship, but instead, it can mean a third person being brought into the relationship (even if sex isn't shared among all). The point I think you're making, which I agree with, is opening up the possibilities in sex. And this can definitely include just opening up what sex means in the relationship with your partner without bringing another into the mix. This is definitely part of what I mean by "clean sex." Sex with my husband that is freed from the cultural programming we have suffered from, that turned sex into a "dirty" act that had confusing and problematic combinations of lust and shame. Sex that is then freed to be a celebration of being in the Now physically, and the bliss that comes from the sexual unity of two individuals.
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