Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

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Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby David92506 » Sun Jun 14, 2015 7:16 pm

I met a woman on match.com and what I like about her is that she has active listening skills, in other words, she doesn't just talk my right ear off. She listens to what I have to say and vice-versa. Also, she is into Eckhart Tolle's books and wants to practice "mindful walks." She lives 10 minutes from the mountains and there is a beautiful trail to walk. So I drive 45 minutes, meet her at a restaurant, we eat, then do our walk. I really love it.

However, she is always at least 45 minutes late each time. I always get there early and she texts me that "something came up" and will be there ASAP. Which is at least 45 minutes later. I had the same trouble with my last girlfriend, who was always late. When I brought it to her attention she said I'm impatient. She said people's lives are very busy and I need to be more patient. I can bring a book or magazine and catch up on my readings. So even if she is one or two hours late, It will give me time to read.

Well, with my new girlfriend, I just had to say something about her always being so late. I told her I completely understand being 10 - 15 minutes late, due to traffic or whatever, but being at least 45 minutes late is unreasonable. She wrote me a very nasty email. These are the points they are making. Please feel free to address each point because I don't know how to.

1. Women (or men) with children have a lot on their plate. Most of the time things come up and kids come first. They may have to go to the emergency room, or they need to be heard, etc. If you want to be in a relationship you have to be patient.
2. Bring books and magazines with you. So even if they are one or even two hours late, you get to catch up on your reading.
3. If they are late, it's a great time to practice being mindful.
4. If the thoughts of, "How rude!" or any other negative thoughts, it's a great time to let them go.
5. Use the time positively instead of negatively, such as getting upset that they are late.


If I was more patient I would still be in a loving relationship. I have plenty of free time so one would think that waiting wouldn't be an issue for me. But I'm going nuts over people always being late.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Sun Jun 14, 2015 7:34 pm

What they are saying sounds pretty reasonable to me. Your negative reaction is within you. It is your own resistance to the situation. Accept it as it arises.

This person being late sounds like a great opportunity to resolve some of your inner conflict.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby dijmart » Sun Jun 14, 2015 9:45 pm

Repeatedly being late and not just on occasion due to unforseen circumstances is rude and not having any consideration that you too have a busy life, imo.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby rachMiel » Sun Jun 14, 2015 10:27 pm

David,

Being late consistently when you know that punctuality matters to the person you are meeting is inconsiderate and unkind. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was not mutually kind and considerate. Would you?

I'd try solving the problem by asking the person to call if they were going to be late. That's eminently doable, not a lot to ask. If they weren't willing to extend me this courtesy ... I'd probably lose trust and interest.

Humans ... ;-)
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby Baba Bozo » Mon Jun 15, 2015 12:28 am

dijmart wrote:Repeatedly being late and not just on occasion due to unforseen circumstances is rude and not having any consideration that you too have a busy life, imo.


I cast my vote for this.

That said, it seems a shame to bring conflict in to the relationship if this is the only problem.

A simple solution suggests itself.

Show up 45 minutes late for all your meetings with this friend.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby CaiHong » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:21 am

My first reaction to your post was that the woman is inconsiderate, after all you have driven to meet her and then she lets you wait for 45 minutes as one poster wrote a phone call would be a good option. it got me thinking about people and human behaviour in general, our expectations are to do the right thing, being punctual for appointments one of them. In my I un enlightened opinion it does show lack of respect for you, if your friend is OK to wait for you for 45 minutes and has demonstrated this several times perhaps she has a valid point and that is her truth but to send a nasty email.

On the other hand you could do as suggested and explore your time being mindful of your emotions while you are waiting and see where that takes you.

I think how we treat each other can be summed up in, treat others how you would like to be treated. I am one of those people who likes to make people happy by making good food and at times I feel I have been taken for granted I stopped thinking like that and found my own pleasure in creating the food and not in the expectation of the recipient.
This really worked for me.

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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby dijmart » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:24 am

Perhaps let this person know you will wait 15 minutes without a call, then you're leaving and the plans are cancelled for that day. It's called consequences, we all have them in one form or another.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby tod » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:27 am

Baba Bozo wrote:
dijmart wrote:Repeatedly being late and not just on occasion due to unforseen circumstances is rude and not having any consideration that you too have a busy life, imo.


I cast my vote for this.

That said, it seems a shame to bring conflict in to the relationship if this is the only problem.

A simple solution suggests itself.

Show up 45 minutes late for all your meetings with this friend.


Good idea. I have a friend whose partner is 'always late'. She appears to have little sense of time and can easily get absorbed in the moment. When I am with my friend and she says "I'll be there soon", we do not expect her for about an hour or (sometimes) up to two.

It appears that he greatly helps her to get to appointments on time, by frequently pointing out the time and how long 'such and such' will take.
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby Baba Bozo » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:39 am

What can create conflict in any relationship is a sense that there are different rules for different people.

This conflict could be resolved by your friend adopting the rules you have set for yourself, punctuality.

It could also be resolved by you adopting the rules your friend has adopted for herself, chronic tardiness.

In either case, a sense of fairness and equality would be restored.

What if you were the one who was always late? Would your friend then happily adopt the advice she has suggested for you? If yes, then the problem is easily resolved by you adding an hour to any planned meeting time.

If your friend would be unhappy taking her own advice, being the person who has to wait, then you've learned something useful. She may still be a friend who is worth the investment, but now you know the price tag. One rule for her, another for you.

Everyone comes with a price tag, and this is a very common one. Most people are looking for a good bargain, that is, a situation where they get more out of the relationship than they have to contribute. And most of the time we lie to ourselves about this.

Welcome to the human race! :-)
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Re: Relationships And Letting Go Of Idiosyncrasy

Postby Enlightened2B » Mon Jun 15, 2015 8:00 pm

At least 45 minutes late every time?! What is she doing that she's this late each time? Is there a reason? 45 minutes or longer is a bizarrely long time to keep someone waiting IF they are doing this on a consistent basis. How could you possibly maintain a relationship with someone who is showing up an hour late on every date and not even providing an explanation to you? Don't you guys communicate with each other? I'm sorry, but I don't understand.

Unless there's more going on in her life, that she's ashamed or afraid to tell you about.
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