Campfire tales too: What ultimately MATTERS?

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Re: Campfire tales too: What ultimately MATTERS?

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Tue Jul 07, 2015 5:39 pm

Your comments about realising your judgments wasn't what you thought it was rings a bell with me at the moment Jen. For a long time I've felt like I had a sh*t childhood. It's something I've held onto for a long time. Yesterday my mum was sorting out some old photos and handed me a random album. It was full of pictures of me when I was 4. I looked like the happiest kid in the world! I was having a great time! It made me think of comments I've seen you make here in the past where you talked about the life review experience and how we experience our life again in non-judgmental awareness. Funny how we see all past, present and future experience through the lens of our current focus. The more I explore those past memories (with this little life aid that would seem to fit your granny's thoughts) the more these tensions resolve and my perspective alters. We're all just filters. Filters filtering filters.

:shock:
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Re: Campfire tales too: What ultimately MATTERS?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:01 am

That's interesting Zen, and yes we are/do filter by whichever frequency we're in in the moment. The 'sadder' slower frequencies are/make more solid and very much can become globs of stuck energy, or even rocks in our hearts -catching a giggle or even trying to re-member (put it back together as it was) it - it happens too fast, too high, too fleeting to pin down. All we can know is the light trail ..........(or see a photo :wink: )

Do you remember when and why you first thought/felt you had a sh*t childhood? What was the 'story' you told yourself?

I wonder if there is an expectation to reality or an alter reality reaction in there. - it's commonly the point where kids g through thinking they must be adopted or stolen from their real family - no offence to those who were, but those who weren't start to feel a 'disconnect' with their family when the family characters and circumstances do not fit the 'stories' that the child has created.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: Campfire tales too: What ultimately MATTERS?

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Wed Jul 08, 2015 10:04 am

I remember being somewhere between 3-5 years old and asking my mum if I was adopted. She laughed and said I wasn't. I remember being confused. I was certain I was right and couldn't understand why she would lie.

That disconnect goes back further though. I remember being a baby and trying to communicate with my mum. She was getting ready to put me in a bath while I had a little vest thing on. I tried to tell her I had it on and she needed to take it off before putting me in the bath but she put me in anyway (probably because I wasn't communicating with her in a way she would understand, but I didn't know that at the time). I remember being a little irritated (in a light hearted sort of way - like 'well what did you expect?! :P). I also remember believing I would relive my life from a very early age. I remember my mum laughing at me and saying I was a Buddhist and that I believed I would come back as an animal. I tried to explain that I wasn't, what I was saying was different - I meant literally re-experiencing this same life (I had brought it up because I had been told I once sharpened my finger in a pencil sharpener. I found this quite disturbing because I knew I would have to re-live this experience and didn't want to. When I tried to explain this I was laughed at. That made me bitter and resentful).

Those memories are all quite strong for me and probably all add to a sense of being disconnected - a sadness and confusion at not being able to communicate my experience to adults and a feeling of not being appreciated. That rapidly became anger and bitterness at my family, society and the world.

Talking about it I can feel it bubbling up inside me now. So much hate and injustice. I used to believe if I focused my hate on people I could make horrible things happen to them. I used to do that, though I didn't think it worked. Someone close to me told me recently that they do this too, and that it does work. Sometimes I wish for the death of the world. For all the people - who have allowed this world to become this disgusting mess. Sometimes I feel like that's why I feel this hate - so it can be used to resonate hate to those who created it.

Or I can rest in stillness with the hate and feel it within the tensions of my body and watch as it begins to resolve.
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Re: Campfire tales too: What ultimately MATTERS?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:39 pm

I remember being somewhere between 3-5 years old and asking my mum if I was adopted. She laughed and said I wasn't. I remember being confused. I was certain I was right and couldn't understand why she would lie.

That disconnect goes back further though. I remember being a baby and trying to communicate with my mum. She was getting ready to put me in a bath while I had a little vest thing on. I tried to tell her I had it on and she needed to take it off before putting me in the bath but she put me in anyway (probably because I wasn't communicating with her in a way she would understand, but I didn't know that at the time). I remember being a little irritated (in a light hearted sort of way - like 'well what did you expect?! :P).

I'm sure Freud would have a bit to say on the above :wink: Would only make it more indicative of his experiences, not necessarily yours.

This 'disconnect' is our way of flowing individuated into the world Zen.

We find reason to push away from... in order to grow, change, experience in individuation. Even the little vest incident - your awareness, capacity, willingness (with obvious limitations) was focussed in one direction, and your Mum's (also with limitations) focussed in another direction. Not wrong, neither 'wrong', just is.

Because we have come from totally connected/one, grown out of... and slowly separating to individuated in body & mind, that takes some tricky balancing. The 'key' is noticing where one make those moves "making enemy, obstacle, means to an end of a person, thing or situation' ---- creating the sense of suffering in the movement (according to ET).
Whereas other 'shifts', relating, growth, changes, made in acceptance, enjoyment &/or enthusiasm do not create that sense of suffering, it might be more curious than judgemental. Neither optimistic nor pessimistic, not reaching out of the moment, just is.

At the same age - 3-5 I recall sitting at my bedroom window trying to get my head around the 'expanse' of this world and how I might traverse it to the 'edge', I planned it as far as my little mind could go (not unlike the where is journey planner - walk out your front door, across the green, through Mrs William's front door, through her house, out the back door, over the park fence, through the park, over the fence through the maisonettes, across the road, up the hill, over the moors.... I got a little 'vague' there, so imagined, over an ocean... across foreign lands - jungles, mountains... then AHA... standing on the 'edge' toes in space, head on Earth lol!!!)
Because I did so in an energy of curiosity, it's quite funny that's how I still see my 'travels' inner and outer travels - logic - imagination and kind of faithless unknowing.

I was actually quite pleased (not irritated) when my Mum interrupted me for lunch lol!!

Even at that young age, we shape our experiences.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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