I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

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I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby Andyzen » Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:26 pm

I've been single for 3 years and it's starting to depress me. I feel fear of being alone forever and failure for not having settled down already. I'm 36, a police officer which is challenging were I work. I sometimes feel very alone and that I have failed or the universe has treated me very poorly for me being in this position. I always wanted children And as time is going on, I fear that may never happen.

I exercise, eat well, meet people go to new places and am a social person but also like my own company. I feel I can't do anymore than I am doing. I feel like this fate was meant for someone who has given up on life but not me.

Can anyone offer perspective on this in the light of eckharts teachings?
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby randomguy » Fri Aug 07, 2015 11:48 pm

I'll share a perspective of Anthony DeMello.

http://calltolovemeditations.blogspot.com/2011/08/meditation-9-dropping-attachments.html

Imagine you have a radio that no matter how you turn the knob picks up only one station. You have no control over the volume. At times the sound is barely audible, at others, it is so loud that it almost shatters your eardrums. Moreover it is impossible to turn it off: at times it will be slow; it will suddenly begin to blare away when you want to rest and sleep.

Who would put up with this kind of performance in a radio? And yet when your heart behaves in this kind of crazy fashion you not only put up with it but even call it normal and human.

Think of the numerous times you were tossed about by your emotions, that you have suffered the pangs of anger, depression, anxiety, when in every instance it was because your heart became set on getting something that you did not have, or on holding on to something that you had, or on avoiding something that you did not want.

You were in love and you felt rejected or jealous; suddenly all your mind and heart became focused on this one thing, and the banquet of life turned to ashes in your mouth. You were bent on winning an election and in the din or battle it was impossible to hear the songs of birds; your ambition drowned out every other sound. You were faced with the possibility of a serious illness, or the loss of a loved one and you found it impossible to concentrate on anything.

To put it briefly, the moment you pick up an attachment, the functioning of this lovely apparatus called the human heart is destroyed.

If you want to repair your radio, you must study radio mechanics.

If you want to reform your heart, you must give serious, prolonged thought to four liberating truths. But first choose some attachment that troubles you, something that you are clinging to, or something that you dread, or something you are craving for, and keep this attachment in mind as you listen to these truths.

I. The first truth: You must choose between your attachment and happiness. You cannot have both. The moment you pick up an attachment, your heart is thrown own of kilter and your ability to lead a joyful carefree serene life is destroyed.

See how true this is when applied to the attachment that you have chosen.

II. The second truth: Where did your attachment come from? You were not born with it. It sprang from a lie that your society and your culture have told you, or a lie that you have told yourself, namely, that without this or the other, without this person or the other, you can't be happy.

Just open your eyes and see how false this is. There are hundreds of persons who are perfectly happy without this thing or person or situation that you crave for and that you have convinced yourself you cannot live without. So make your choice: Do you want your attachment, or your freedom and happiness.

III. The third truth: If you wish to be fully alive you must develop a sense of perspective. Life is infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to so upset you.

Trifle? Yes, because if you live long enough, a day will easily come with it will cease to matter. It will not even be remembered - your own experience will confirm this. Just as today you barely remember, are no longer the least bit affected by those tremendous trifles that so disturbed you in the past.

IV. And so the fourth truth brings you to the unavoidable conclusion, that no thing or person outside of you has the power to make you happy or unhappy. Whether you are aware of it or not it is you and only you, who decides to be happy or unhappy, whether you will cling to your attachment or not in any given situation.

As you ponder these truths, you may become aware that your heart is resisting them or argues against them and refuses to look at them. that is a sign that you have not yet suffered enough at the hand of your attachments to really want to do something about your spiritual radio. Or your heart may place no resistance to these truths; if that is so, rejoice. Repentance, the refashioning of the heart has begun and the kingdom or God - the gratefully carefree life of children - has come within your grasp at last and you are about to reach out and take possession of it.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby vivianamis » Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:27 pm

Hi Andyzen!

Happiness is your very nature, which appears when the thought that causes suffering is removed. In your case the thought may be "I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one". Tolle suggests that the key to any unfavorable circumstance is to go within and access the presence that is within you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4SZT5D6ss8
"To know the Truth, you have to be out of your mind"
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Tue Aug 11, 2015 9:28 pm

I've been single for about 3 years too Andy. I used to be very dependent in relationship and go straight from one to another. This time being single has been helpful for me to let go of a lot of these beliefs within me and embrace a more independent life - so I see it as a gift - as something I couldn't have done without the Universe's help forcing me into life situations where I couldn't find anyone to be in a relationship with.

We're all different - my life experiences may be very different to yours - however, I wonder whether there is a reason like my own behind your issue here. The way I see it, the Universe is a loving teacher, that offers us the life experiences most beneficial to our personal growth. Could there be any reason's why the Universe would give this life situation to you? Something positive? Something to let go of?

You could ask questions to the Universe and meditate on this. Feel in the body where tensions come up and see if you can learn about the changes the Universe is asking you to make - what tension you are holding onto that you would benefit from letting go of. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity to me :)
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby Enlightened2B » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:03 am

Interesting thread and one that always intrigues me.

I like the post above by RG.

Like Zen, I too was very dependent in relationships. I think it had to do with my compulsive patterns of thinking and obsession with controlling. I get very attached to things easily and obsessive over things and I think relationships were always a way for me to grasp on to something else to 'find happiness' or fill a void.

I think it's very difficult to enter into a romantic situation without having both feet firmly on the ground in presence because relationships always bring out stuff in us to see and can take you on quite an emotional roller coaster. On the other hand, they are great learning tools as well, if you can understand that all relationships serve their purpose for only as long as they serve you and do not need to have any long lasting attribute in order to be considered 'successful'.

I feel for the OP and sometimes it's nice just to share your time with another person even as a companion.

Andy, what is your reasoning for having trouble meeting someone? What type of person are you looking to get involved with? What kind of places or activities are you joining to meet other women? There are gazillions of women out there. Not saying it's easy just to necessarily meet someone and date them. But, have you considered dating sites? I met my ex girlfriend on an online spiritual website geared for spiritual singles. It's a really cool website that I would recommend. Perhaps something to look into for yourself? I only recommend it to people on here since we're all discussing on an Eckhart Tolle forum. Can you tell us more about yourself? There are plenty of ways to meet women. But, in the meantime, surrendering to how you feel is probably a smart path and I think Zen gives good recommendations above. All challenges in life (even those that we only perceive as a challenge) are always a chance to go deeper within ourselves. At least that's how I've been attempting to approach life of recent.
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby Andyzen » Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:39 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:Interesting thread and one that always intrigues me.

I like the post above by RG.

Like Zen, I too was very dependent in relationships. I think it had to do with my compulsive patterns of thinking and obsession with controlling. I get very attached to things easily and obsessive over things and I think relationships were always a way for me to grasp on to something else to 'find happiness' or fill a void.

I think it's very difficult to enter into a romantic situation without having both feet firmly on the ground in presence because relationships always bring out stuff in us to see and can take you on quite an emotional roller coaster. On the other hand, they are great learning tools as well, if you can understand that all relationships serve their purpose for only as long as they serve you and do not need to have any long lasting attribute in order to be considered 'successful'.

I feel for the OP and sometimes it's nice just to share your time with another person even as a companion.

Andy, what is your reasoning for having trouble meeting someone? What type of person are you looking to get involved with? What kind of places or activities are you joining to meet other women? There are gazillions of women out there. Not saying it's easy just to necessarily meet someone and date them. But, have you considered dating sites? I met my ex girlfriend on an online spiritual website geared for spiritual singles. It's a really cool website that I would recommend. Perhaps something to look into for yourself? I only recommend it to people on here since we're all discussing on an Eckhart Tolle forum. Can you tell us more about yourself? There are plenty of ways to meet women. But, in the meantime, surrendering to how you feel is probably a smart path and I think Zen gives good recommendations above. All challenges in life (even those that we only perceive as a challenge) are always a chance to go deeper within ourselves. At least that's how I've been attempting to approach life of recent.


Thank you for your response.

I seem to meet people often but not the right person. I have a strong sense within that I know if someone is right for me or not. I swapped numbers with someone a couple of weeks ago. It seems to have gone quiet now but it was like being at peace. I feel like I cannot be whilst being single, maybe that's just fear.
I have tried dating sites in the past and they do not work out for me. I just think that if it was meant to happen for me it will. I have a decent social life, and I have a few friends. I am going to Egypt on my own for a holiday soon and that kind of thing does not bother me.

My feeling is that I am not thinking the right thoughts. For most people I know it just kind of happens for them. My last relationship ended badly and involved me losing total contact with a child who I raised and loved as my own. It has taken me 3 years and I do not believe I am fully over that yet. But that is what started me on the spiritual path. I lost the 2 people I loved most in the world all at once and " the power of now" found its way to me. I remember the lines in a power of now where Eckhart says that you must have suffered some deep loss to be drawn to the spiritual realm. which is true for me.

Now that I write these words it seems most of my life has been spent looking for the one. However, I do not think that I just spend life waiting for this. I exercise, go to new places, eat well ( I am going to London to see Eckhart on the 7th Sept :-) ). There is a nature reserve near where I live which I like to spend time at which is relaxing and southing. I sometimes feel that life is being unfair to me that I am still alone, that I have been through enough pain and now I deserve some happiness at last.
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Re: I feel I can't be happy until I meet the one.

Postby Enlightened2B » Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:28 pm

I read people's energy pretty well in person I find. More difficult over the internet. But, I get that feeling as well Andy when something might not work out. It's not a judgment, but a deeper sense I can get. Hard to describe.

If dating sites haven't worked for you in the past, perhaps it was your approach that could be different this time around? I think it's all about expectations. Change your expectations and you change your approach.

Egypt sounds like an awesome trip. I'd love to go there and check out the pyramids. I've always been fascinated by Egyptian lore and culture.
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