When a psychologist diagnoses someone with a disorder, what you're actually noticing is collective dysfunction being projected onto the patient. You don't have a disorder, you are functioning exactly as you should be according to universal law. Is the universe perfectly ordered, or do you see chaos?missingmymama wrote:the key master wrote:Hey mmm.
Maybe it is because your father wasn't emotionally available. How did Mom pass?missingmymama wrote:
I was bullied all throughout highschool and I never felt like I fit in or had any friends when I was in highschool. I always wondered why I couldn't' have any friends, the guys called me gay or a fa_got. I would sometimes wish I was a girl , I would always want to be the "girl" in a relationship. I want acceptance the most from men. Maybe its because my dad was never emotionally available and I was also siding with my mother, she was my everything, she still is, even though she passed on. She played both the role of the father and the mother for me.
The girl identity has limitations also, and most of what I do on this forum is point out those limitations so they can be noticed. You can notice a movement of becoming more conscious of your mind's rejection of the male identity. This isn't because you are a man or a woman, but because you are conscious of the limitations of being male, in the same way you can be conscious of the limitations of being human.When I entered university, I start becoming more and more repulsed at being called a man, or even worst, "sir", I started rejecting the male identity more and more. I enjoyed being a girl, the social role fits me more. I also enjoy having a boyfriend who consider me to be his girlfriend.
We notice the receipt of shame based projections in high school, coupled to a now conscious yearning for male acceptance. We see a link between that yearning and the absence of your father during developmental stages in life, which can open up your mind to the potential for what are sometimes called helicopter parents. The openings left by unhealed childhood wounds can leave your soul vulnerable to exploitation, and helicopter parents are here to ensure that doesn't happen prior to those wounds being made conscious and allowed the loving space for resolution.
If a male energy is in the midst of a transition to becoming female energy dominant, we notice the potential for that transition to be fueled by conscious and unconscious forces. Being more conscious of the forces that shaped you allows a deeper understanding of the personal self to come to light, and with that understanding clarity can inform decision making processes so they are less influenced by the subconscious irrational emotions, and thus less likely to lead to suffering experienced in the pursuit of split mind desires. Take a look at the tribes of your parents and grandparents.
Ok.In a perfect world, there would be a way for me to have my own kids and also a husband. Theres a part of me that doesn't believe I am transgender, after all, I never really thought I was a girl when I was a boy. I don't think I really had a problem with it until I started being picked on , and I was going through puberty and sexuality becomes something I should be ashamed of, and a reason kids picked on me for.
What do you mean, in case you end up in the hospital? Otherwise, have you spoken with surgeons? What sort of vibes are you picking up from the medical community?its so complicated. My mother always wished I could just be a gay male, and I really didn't want to disappoint her, but she did accept me and she actually wished I can have the surgery so I can be "normal" in people's eyes, and in case I end up in the hospital, I wouldn't be treated like a freak of nature.
At this point, I am having the surgery partly because I would feel really vulnerable if I end up in the hospital.
One time, i was at an emeregecy because I cut my finger. The chinese male nurse was very rude to me. He said louly to me, your health card is male. He seemed to have a problem with me looking so female and having a male health card. I wfelt very uncomfortable and embarassed. My mother was alive at the time and she stood up for me. I love her with all my heart and I miss her every moment of everyday.
But yes, i tried to avoid going to the emergency but I have a nice family doctor. As I said , i have been on female hormones for 8 years , originally, i saw a psychologist for only an hour and he diagnoised me with gender identity disorder , and he prescribed me hormones and he said i dont have to see him again.
I was diagnosed with asexual personality disorder by a remarkably intelligent doctor during a visit which was required as testimony in a lawsuit against the Diocese of Trenton in New Jersey for sexual abuse. The Church settled the case out of court, and I respect them for taking responsibility for a situation which can never be made right or 'returned to normal', because the world situation was fucked to begin with. What I've come to realize is that I don't have a personality disorder. I am insane by almost any definition of the word according to standards of world normalcy, but world normalcy isn't normal from a conscious perspective.
As far as your mother goes, you may have to acknowledge that over protection can be an unhealthy form of attachment. From the conscious perspective, what most folks think of as love are actually forms of disorders, or more accurately, the unconscious layering of the mind's bifurcations processes. It's nice being protected, but when Mommy isn't here to help you, you may notice an underlying fear of vulnerability. If love is just covering up fear, I suggest that is not really love. Considering most mothers do pass on before their children, any parent that is over protective is setting the child up for some form of struggle later down the line. At the same time, the world condition merits a degree of protection for the youths of the world. If you were adopting a 9 year old kid, would you just give him the laptop, or assert some control over the information relayed into his thought processes?My mother didnt necessarily believe i was female, she believed its because i was treated badly by some of my family members and school mates that has changed me into rejecting the male identity. She loved me regardless if iw as a boy or a girl, but I always feel bad like i disappointed her and caused her to worry even during her last days. It is a very important chinese tradition to have grandchildren , although my mother didnt believe i should have a child given my depression and gender identity issue.
Nobody wants to talk about thought programming, because folks are not conscious of how programmed they are. The CIA used a form of coercive programming to aid the war on terror. Basically, they 'conditioned' terror suspects to re-enter their native cells to murder the leaders and compromise structural integrity of groups viewed as a threat to their 'identity'. The issue with this program is that the 'conditioned' terrorists would eventually return back to their programmers and kill them. Nobody consciously overthrows the will of another human being. And no conscious human being can have their will overthrown. Go figure.
I share with you some of my story because I want you to know I understand what you're going through. While realization continues to provide clarity through the ebbs and flows of human experience, I am not above or beyond feeling shame, guilt, and grief. While I intuit that the primary motive of many writing on this forum is the avoidance of those very feelings, I nonetheless see value in pointing to what is conscious of those feelings and how that avoidance is unfolding. When there is willingness to look and notice by others, I feel the joy of communion.
So, I just wanted to say, thanks for sharing what you're going through.