Who am I

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Who am I

Postby BJR » Thu Apr 14, 2016 7:17 pm

Who am I?
I am trying to understand why I have always felt like a stranger in my own body. I am 53 years old with a good job, adult children and a have been happily married for over 30 years. The problem is that my body and mind don’t match, my body is male but my mind is female. I have been aware that I had a female mind my whole life; though for most of it, I have hidden that awareness from everyone including myself. From time to time this awareness has surfaced and caused me allot of despair, even thoughts of suicide when I was a teen.

People who know me would never guess my secret since for all outward appearance I am a normal male 6’1” 220 lbs working in a male dominated industry. For most of my life I have been able to push this awareness deep inside. I have kept it secret from everyone, not even my wife or children knew the truth (until recently). After I turned 50 I could no longer keep it hidden, I became obsessed with tying to understand why I was like this, was it because of some genetic fluke, mental illness, was god playing a cruel joke on me, or was I just a freak!

Due to the mismatch between my mind and my body I became aware of the fact that I was not my body, but that I was in my body, controlling it like someone would control a machine. But if I wasn’t my body who was I? Am I the mind or the ego? Was I the thoughts in my head? I began to read everything I could about the nature of consciousness and about the possibility of reincarnation perhaps my problems started before I was even born.

Eventually my quest led me to a hypnotherapist she regressed me into my childhood and into my last life, what I learned shocked me to the core of my being. Under hypnosis I was taken back to when I was five years old in a coma and near death. I was shown that the consciousness that was in my body had chosen to leave but since the body did not need to die another soul entered it and this soul had been female in its last life. About this same time on the other side of the world in England a young mother with two infant children had died from kidney failure, after her death she refused to leave her family and her consciousness lingered on the earth plane refusing to go back to the source.

This young woman was my wife’s mother and her soul entered my five year old body. I had been my wife’s mother in my last life! Needless to say this news came as quite a shock to me and my male ego fought against the idea during subsequent sessions. I have since come to accept that I was Alice in my last life. During hypnosis I easily become her and vividly remember my life as a British girl during WW2. I was in London during the Blitz I heard the bombs dropping and I have felt the fear.

I have experienced being a young woman falling in love getting married getting pregnant and having children. I have also experienced the fear of a young mother who was dying from kidney failure. I felt the desperation of knowing that I wouldn’t be there to take care of my babies and after my death I refused to leave them. After becoming aware of my previous life I started to have fully conscious memories of my life as Alice. It was like I was two people with two life histories sometimes I wasn’t sure if the feelings and memories I was having were mine or hers.

Now two years later I experience her memories less and less and I am left with the question of who am I, am I Brian or am I Alice occupying Brian’s body? Perhaps I am both. I can’t deny that some part of the consciousness that was Alice lives in me now but what? Did I in fact live that life? Did the mind that is in my body now once occupy her body? is it the same soul? What I do know is that in the depth of my being I am female and during hypnosis I become her, I feel her emotions and relive her life; so what part of her essence lives on in me?

Brian (Alice)
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Re: Who am I

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Apr 15, 2016 2:30 pm

BJR wrote:Now two years later I experience her memories less and less and I am left with the question of who am I, am I Brian or am I Alice occupying Brian’s body? Perhaps I am both. I can’t deny that some part of the consciousness that was Alice lives in me now but what? Did I in fact live that life? Did the mind that is in my body now once occupy her body? is it the same soul? What I do know is that in the depth of my being I am female and during hypnosis I become her, I feel her emotions and relive her life; so what part of her essence lives on in me?


I would suggest that you are neither Brian nor Alice. It's not who you are so much as 'what' you are. You are An eternal conscious being exploring adventures in the human experience. Get a sense of that greater perspective. Rather than churning up concerns over which you 'are', consider embracing the uniqueness of the experience. Both Brian and Alice are just fragments of a greater being that is your true essence. Glean from both the best they have to offer and perceive life from that harmonized perspective. There is no right or wrong here (unless you make it so), only opportunity.

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Re: Who am I

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Apr 15, 2016 7:03 pm

Hey Brian,

To add my own slant to this. If you're interested in learning more about past lives and stuff like that, read up on Julia Assante's work or Robert Schwartz. Just to give you a heads up, I had my own PLR in September and came across some very emotional stuff from childhood and a past life. However, it wasn't until a few months later, that I came to understand that past lives (which is a misnomer since all lives are experienced simultaneously) are not necessarily OUR own past lives. Meaning, understand that everything is One in the non physical. The entire spectrum of cellular memory of all lives actually exists within your own body. Meaning, each of us, fractally can obtain access to any life ever lived by any soul. From what I've come to understand and I could be wrong, is that many times, we believe we are experiencing our own soul's stream of a past life during regression, when in fact, that life could have been any soul's past life or another soul that is close in vibration to us.

Here's a quote from near death experiencer Betty Eadie who also came to understand this during her NDE that while reincarnation is real, we are not necessarily recalling OUR own past lives during regression, but could be accessing ANY other life ever lived by any soul stream.

I also learned that we do not have repeated lives on this earth; when we seem to “remember” a past life, we are actually recalling memories contained in the cells.



Another quote from her on this same subject

There is a form of reincarnation but not as we understand it here. It’s like a lot of our understandings. We receive a little bit, and then because we are human, we try to make sense out of something we know very little about. We are evolving beings, each experience of life takes us to greater understanding and knowledge. But our Heavenly Father created many worlds. This world is but one, a “drop in the ocean” of his many wondrous creations!

I was told that reincarnation is simply not as we know it to be, we do not come back to this earth for repeated lives until we get it “right.” Some people get so caught up in pursuing past lives that they waste the precious opportunity of this life.


Point being that yes, we all live infinite number of lives simulatenously. And often, yes, you will rotate roles with other members of your soul group, such that you likely WERE and ARE playing the role of a woman in many many many other lives as we speak, with the same people, such that your wife in this life is likely playing the role of your father in another life. But, again, these lives are not linear. And an even larger factor that I had to come to understand, is that past lives do NOT affect your current life. I think it's easy for people to get really caught up with that stuff and while it's fascinating, they miss the point that other lives (past, future) are just that, and have no bearing on what you are experiencing in THIS life.

It sounds like you are experiencing the life of a transgender person, meaning.....a dominant female energy in a male body. Of course, who you are, is beyond all of that, but I'd suggest the role of Alice is completely irrelevant to the role of Brian that you are playing in this life. Ultimately, they are all just that.....roles that YOU (you need to find out who that YOU is) is playing. Perhaps, because of the dominant female energy that you are experiencing in this life, the role of Alice resonates more highly with you and vibrationally, you are relating to that.

I think you might relate to this video. I find some of Teal Swan's stuff very interesting and some of her other stuff, not so interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u6TTorNjL4&feature=youtu.be
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Re: Who am I

Postby DavidB » Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:09 am

Unfortunately, our culture tends to mistakenly frame feminine as indicative of female, and masculine as indicative of male. Neither of these are true.

Masculine and feminine are energies, not gender identities. Both male and female are both masculine and feminine, not one or the other. It is true though, that females tend to be more feminine and males tend to be more masculine, how much of this is nature vs nurture, I'm not sure.

I suspect that some people like yourself, tend to identify with the feminine energies rather than the masculine, even though you are male. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, it's fine. Most males will more strongly identify with masculine energies, and that's fine. And some females identify with masculine energies rather than feminine, and that's fine too.

Don't make the error though, of thinking that because you more strongly identify with feminine energies, that you therefore must be a woman. No, not at all. Simply be glad in the fact that you are a male, that is more in-tune with feminine energies rather than masculine, and then try and balance it out.

Often, males that identify with feminine energies, mistakenly believe that they are gay. When in reality, they are seeking out male relationships in an unconscious attempt to balance out their energies. But this can't really work, as more often than not, both gay men tend to have feminine energies, further compounding the imbalance.

It's much better to realize that you have an imbalance, and work toward balance. Ideally, we ought all have a good balance of both the masculine and feminine energy characteristics, neither being more dominant than the other. :)
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: Who am I

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:59 am

Good points David and good insight. Something new for me to explore. I've been a strong proponent of the yin/yang idea for some time now as I have learned to embrace my own feminine energy (as a straight male) of late, meaning learning to express myself freely with more flamboyancy, which has always been a challenge for me through my life trying to live up to the expectations of what it means to be a "man" in western society.

I will say this though. I feel transgenders are something a bit different. Just like you and I know we are men (in this life), even though there is still a balance of that yin/yang and each of us will embrace that differently, transgenders KNOW they either woman or men living in the opposite body. My body psychotherapy therapist (core energetics) is a transgender actually (name is Brian too formerly) and is in the process of having the surgeries performed. When he (now a she) first called me to inform me of this in December I believe, I was really weirded out as my conditioned response as a straight male living in a deeply conditioned society didn't quite comprehend what transgenders actually were or are. But, he was so ridiculously sure of himself and told me that he had known this for years that he was really a woman. He was a star linebacker for his HS football team and was married to a woman as well at one point, but informed me that all of this felt so out of place for him his whole life and that when he was finally came to terms with his gender as a woman, he felt this incredible peace and love in his life finally. It's still confusing to me. Yet, since then, I have done quite a good deal of research to learn more about it, and I found some very interesting stuff which I will post below.

If we choose the male gender when entering into a life, and are much more in touch with the passive female energy as our base, that does not make someone transgender. Some people are simply far more in touch with their feminine energy and able to express themselves from both avenues. I almost see the feminine energy as the right brain with the male energy as the left brain. The feminine energy more in line with our nature, while the male energy more in line with the human aspect (left brain). Jill Bolte Taylor has some incredible insight on this subject matter with her ted talk "Stroke of Insight".

However, if you KNOW you are a woman, and you are living in a male body, it would seem to me that this is something far different and there will be an incredible conflict within, trying to come to terms with this and eventually, accepting it, embracing it and pursuing the avenue of LIVING as a woman or pushing many to suicide as Brian discusses.

In the video above from Teal Swan, she discusses an eventual evolution towards a "genderless" society which is very interesting as well.

Here's another perspective on it:

https://yoursoulsplan.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/bruce-jenners-pre-birth-plan/#comments
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Re: Who am I

Postby DavidB » Sat Apr 16, 2016 3:34 pm

I'm not really sure how a person born a male, could possibly know that they are really a female. From what vantage point can they make this determination?

In the video above from Teal Swan, she discusses an eventual evolution towards a "genderless" society which is very interesting as well.


The gender split between male and female, is an evolutionary advantage that allows a greater variation in gene expression, allowing for a greater adaptability and malleability. I cannot imagine there being any advantage for humans to return to asexuality.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: Who am I

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:23 pm

I would suggest that neither you or I could possibly understand what these people experience. But, the research is quite interesting.

I'm not really sure how a person born a male, could possibly know that they are really a female. From what vantage point can they make this determination?


Perhaps in the exact same way that you know you are a man beyond simply looking at your physical body

Starting at 15:00, the video below gives a pretty interesting explanation of pre-birth intention if you'd like to explore it and also an understanding of contrast as to why perhaps, we might experience the disapproval of parents in child hood as what it brings birth to later in life is of great value to us, and I feel this is something similar as to what transgenders deal with as youngsters. It's a process of coming into our own expression by breaking down barriers throughout our life of what is expected of us and I feel transgenders are just another potential area of exploration of this. It's not a mistake nor is it people having problems embracing an aspect of their own energy.

Basically, I'm suggesting there is a wider perspective on transgenders than we can understand and it's not simply a matter of embracing more of either yin/yang. Of course, I know just as much as you do. :D Yet, it would seem to me that simply having an issue embracing an aspect of either female or male energy with a predominance of one or the other is something MANY of us go through including myself. Yet, I am not going to Mexico or Thailand to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to find a good doctor to have sex re-assignment surgery because I know that I am a male while in this body, even if I have problems at times embracing my feminine energy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU0H4xooB-8
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Re: Who am I

Postby BJR » Sat Apr 16, 2016 6:10 pm

[quote="DavidB"]I'm not really sure how a person born a male, could possibly know that they are really a female. From what vantage point can they make this determination?

There is more to your gender identity then what is between your legs. If you had a terrible accident and had to have you genitals removed would you still identify yourself as male? I think you would. Unlike most people I have been forced to spend allot of time searching for answers as to why my mind and body don’t match. I’ve invested a great deal of time trying to understand why I am like this, believe me it is not by choice nor is it fun. I have tried very hard to just get over it, but the more I reject that part of myself the more in despair I become. It wasn’t until I finally began to accept that part of my mind and stopped fighting it that I began to have some measure of peace. To most of society I am just like everyone else I do not dress in woman’s clothing and I am not in the least effeminate and I am not gay. I am retired from the military and an Iraq war veteran. Most people who know me see me as quite masculine. What I have come to understand about myself through much soul searching and meditation is that my body and ego are male my mind is female as to why they do not match I finally found my answers through hypnotherapy. I learned through hypnosis that when I was 5 years old and I was in a comma near death, the soul that was born into this body returned to its higher self and another aspect of this being that had been Alice who had died around the same time came into the body and took over that life. I understand that most people will think that I am crazy to believe this, as did I at first, but after having several regressions over a 2 year period I can no longer deny its reality any longer. When I am regressed, I go into that life easily and for a couple of days afterward I continue to have memories come into my mind while I am wide awake of that life that are no different than memories that I have of this life. I don’t know why this has happened to me but I suspect that it has to do with my personal spiritual growth, I believe I chose this challenge. It has forced me to disassociate who I am from what I am; I am not my body I am the consciousness controlling it.
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Re: Who am I

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:28 pm

BJR wrote:I learned through hypnosis that when I was 5 years old and I was in a comma near death, the soul that was born into this body returned to its higher self and another aspect of this being that had been Alice who had died around the same time came into the body and took over that life. I understand that most people will think that I am crazy to believe this, as did I at first, but after having several regressions over a 2 year period I can no longer deny its reality any longer.


I don't think you're crazy. I've read a lot about this which is in my opinion, another reason why many conversations, often go in circles because of a lack of consideration for a wider perspective on these issues.

This could very well have been a pre-birth intention between the soul stream you are experiencing through now and another. However, usually, it's when the baby is an infant and near death, another soul can easily come into the body and the previous soul leaves the body in a sense. However, perhaps, you were so close to death at the age of 5 and still young enough for this to happen without affecting the rest of your life.

What I meant by stating that other lives don't affect our current life is just that. Lives are not linear. Therefore, there is no "after effects" from "previous" lives carried over. However, often times from my own understanding, each life is related to the other life undoubtedly in regards to what you are exploring as each soul in your soul group are likely exploring lives WITH you, but again that aspect that was experiencing as Alice is still the same aspect of you that is experiencing as Brian in a sense. Perhaps different soul streams (of the same vibration), all stemming from the same Higher Self.

Yet, with all of that aside, you wrote this which is of much greater insight than any of the above:

I don’t know why this has happened to me but I suspect that it has to do with my personal spiritual growth, I believe I chose this challenge. It has forced me to disassociate who I am from what I am; I am not my body I am the consciousness controlling it.


Sounds like you already know the answer to your initial query then. Isn't the part in bold all that matters ultimately?
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Re: Who am I

Postby BJR » Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:33 pm

“Sounds like you already know the answer to your initial query then. Isn't the part in bold all that matters ultimately?”

Conceptually knowing something and actually living it from day to day are very different things!
If I let it, my ego can drag me down into a very dark space of despair, were all I want to do is to escape this body. Most people take their gender for granted either you’re male or female but when your inner self does not match the person you see in the mirror; no matter how hard you try you can’t run away from that fact. The most you can do is try to ignore it, deny that it’s true, or punish yourself for being week; you tell yourself to “just get over it”.
What I hope to gain from Eckhart's teaching is the ability to quiet my mind. I desperately need to find a way to be at peace with the body that I am in. I can’t continue to live in a state of continuous internal civil war between my ego and my mind.
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Re: Who am I

Postby DavidB » Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:18 am

Perhaps in the exact same way that you know you are a man beyond simply looking at your physical body


If I have only ever been a male, how could I possibly know what it's like to be a female? Everything I know is from that single perspective. I can't possibly know what it's like to be you for example, as even if I was you for a day, it would still be from my perspective, not yours.
Last edited by DavidB on Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Who am I

Postby DavidB » Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:25 am

If you had a terrible accident and had to have you genitals removed would you still identify yourself as male?


Of course I would, not having genitals wouldn't change my DNA, I would still have XY chromosomes, rather than XX.

It wasn’t until I finally began to accept that part of my mind and stopped fighting it that I began to have some measure of peace.


Acceptance, and not fighting the mind, is definitely a great choice. :D
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: Who am I

Postby Mystic » Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:36 am

Hello BJR :D

I find that at the deepest core of our Being, we are all one and there is no gender identity. Identification with gender is identification with form, which is still the egoic thought system. Reincarnation is an interesting concept and the contemplation of past lives has lead me to discover that I was at one time a bald monk living at a temple of some kind. Perhaps it was Buddhist, not sure.

I also keep having the distinct impression that I am living this current lifetime over and over ...and over, again :| Some people say that time is actually simultaneous, not sequential, that there is no past and there is no future, there is only NOW. If that is true it makes sense to me that what people call the parallel universe theory ...or the many worlds theory is actually the simultaneous existence of everything that CAN happen, so it does happen.

If you keep practicing the power of now it is possible that you could remember ...or know, the gender-less core of your true self. What Eckhart Tolle calls eternal, ever-present One Life beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death.
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Re: Who am I

Postby Enlightened2B » Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:01 am

DavidB wrote:
Perhaps in the exact same way that you know you are a man beyond simply looking at your physical body


If I have only ever been a male, how could I possibly know what it's like to be a female? Everything I know is from that single perspective. I can't possibly know what it's like to be you for example, as even if I was you for a day, it would still be from my perspective, not yours.


I think the way it shows as a sense of knowing, at least from my very limited understanding, is through a feeling of "something being off". Even for someone who has only lived in one body their whole life as in, nothing to contrast it to, there is still some form of inner knowing that something is off in their life. It's almost like a knowing that their body does not suit them, and many don't realize what that actually is, until adulthood, when they finally acknowledge that they are living in the "wrong" body. When they start to live their lives as the other gender, this sense of unrest is often relieved. Maybe I'm over simplifying it, or completely off based, but that's how I see it at least for now.

Conceptually knowing something and actually living it from day to day are very different things!
If I let it, my ego can drag me down into a very dark space of despair, were all I want to do is to escape this body. Most people take their gender for granted either you’re male or female but when your inner self does not match the person you see in the mirror; no matter how hard you try you can’t run away from that fact. The most you can do is try to ignore it, deny that it’s true, or punish yourself for being week; you tell yourself to “just get over it”.
What I hope to gain from Eckhart's teaching is the ability to quiet my mind. I desperately need to find a way to be at peace with the body that I am in. I can’t continue to live in a state of continuous internal civil war between my ego and my mind.


Brian, it's very easy for us to give you advice on a spiritual forum, but the truth is, that we don't really know what you are going through or what you are experiencing, other than trying to interpret your call out for help. If you haven't already looked in to it, there are some wonderful therapists out there who can help you assimilate these feelings of yours without denying them and without thinking you are crazy. I don't think you're crazy at all and I think what you are experiencing is likely more common than you think, but It might be a helpful path to have someone to work with while you incorporate stuff like Eckhart Tolle's teachings.

Just something to consider.
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Re: Who am I

Postby BJR » Sun Apr 17, 2016 5:56 pm

Thank you all for your insights.

For much of my life I was confused, angry and depressed by my situation. I blamed god for doing this to me I hated my body and was jealous of other people who seemed to be so much more at peace with themselves. Finally now that I have started to step back from my limited perspective and view things from a higher perspective, I have begun to realize that I chose this situation. What I once considered to be a curse has turned out to be a blessing. This situation has forced me to see myself not as a body but as a soul with a body. It has also help me to be more compassionate of other people and their faults, less quick to judge them. I understand now that altering my body to match my mind is not the answer for me, my quest is to make peace with my body and to accept it as it is. As my therapist told me if you cant change something your only choice is to accept it she called this "radical acceptance".
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