Page 1 of 1

I need some help here

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:54 am
by hungzai
This was first posted on an Eckhart Tolle sub, so please keep that in mind while reading.

Throughout the past few years I have experienced very strong suffering. I had read spiritual books since childhood, but it was not until this past couple of weeks that I, through this suffering perhaps, finally actually experienced presence.

Throughout my earlier life, I I tried to find fulfilment through ego just like everyone else has at some point. Some people wanted to have lots of money, or have certain sexual partners, or fame etc. My own "ego vice", if you will, was to be the first in doing certain things. "World's first", "First to do xyz in my country" etc. of which I had done a few.

I have been incredibly miserable in what I do now. I am trying to get out of it. The process isnt just "quit" because I have to sell off the things I have for what I do. As my ego gets gradually eroded away, and as I am in the process of quitting, it is taking much longer than I wanted (I know this is future seeking), I was on the verge of accomplishing another "first", and thought I would just see it through. Then, after I succeeded, I think I am now again on the verge of an even more significant "first". It is like it keeps drawing me back in. It is meaningless without the ego satisfaction part. These firsts don't make much money, serve any purpose for me personally other than getting me a pat on the back and a "you're the man bro!". Yet I have been doing this so long, I just wanted to see it through. Since it involves others as well, I consider that not seeing it through will affect them as well, so in addition to my ego still hanging on, there is that to consider. I just thought I would do this last one then quit, but now another "success" is coming, a much bigger one, and when I am thinking, which is a lot of times still (I get present more and more), it is making me miserable. I just want to get out, but these sudden success are keeping me in. Even if I immediately lose my ego entirely, I don't know how logistically I can quit in the short term. There is a long winding up process which these sudden successes are just prolonging. Add on that, the thing I had been chasing all this time is here, and it is hard to just throw it all away.These successes didn't come like that before. Now that I want out, they are suddenly happening.

Is this the Universe (yes I know, no need to debate my non dual language here, I know.) giving me these things to train me to let go of my ego completely?

I am exhausted and I want to get out, but these sudden successes are keeping me in longer.

I don't know what to do. Even if I renounce immediately these epic things, I don't know what to do to get out.

By the way, my awakening is gradual, so of course there are things here that are epic in nature. No need to point out everything to me, because while I am still attached but I am AWARE.

Re: I need some help here

PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 7:34 am
by hungzai
Oh no!! I have lost my presence. Why can't life be just a little less hostile to me! It's been years now I have suffered enough!!!

Re: I need some help here

PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 3:20 pm
by Rob X
hungzai wrote:This was first posted on an Eckhart Tolle sub, so please keep that in mind while reading.

Throughout the past few years I have experienced very strong suffering. I had read spiritual books since childhood, but it was not until this past couple of weeks that I, through this suffering perhaps, finally actually experienced presence.

Throughout my earlier life, I I tried to find fulfilment through ego just like everyone else has at some point. Some people wanted to have lots of money, or have certain sexual partners, or fame etc. My own "ego vice", if you will, was to be the first in doing certain things. "World's first", "First to do xyz in my country" etc. of which I had done a few.

I have been incredibly miserable in what I do now. I am trying to get out of it. The process isnt just "quit" because I have to sell off the things I have for what I do. As my ego gets gradually eroded away, and as I am in the process of quitting, it is taking much longer than I wanted (I know this is future seeking), I was on the verge of accomplishing another "first", and thought I would just see it through. Then, after I succeeded, I think I am now again on the verge of an even more significant "first". It is like it keeps drawing me back in. It is meaningless without the ego satisfaction part. These firsts don't make much money, serve any purpose for me personally other than getting me a pat on the back and a "you're the man bro!". Yet I have been doing this so long, I just wanted to see it through. Since it involves others as well, I consider that not seeing it through will affect them as well, so in addition to my ego still hanging on, there is that to consider. I just thought I would do this last one then quit, but now another "success" is coming, a much bigger one, and when I am thinking, which is a lot of times still (I get present more and more), it is making me miserable. I just want to get out, but these sudden success are keeping me in. Even if I immediately lose my ego entirely, I don't know how logistically I can quit in the short term. There is a long winding up process which these sudden successes are just prolonging. Add on that, the thing I had been chasing all this time is here, and it is hard to just throw it all away.These successes didn't come like that before. Now that I want out, they are suddenly happening.

Is this the Universe (yes I know, no need to debate my non dual language here, I know.) giving me these things to train me to let go of my ego completely?

I am exhausted and I want to get out, but these sudden successes are keeping me in longer.

I don't know what to do. Even if I renounce immediately these epic things, I don't know what to do to get out.

By the way, my awakening is gradual, so of course there are things here that are epic in nature. No need to point out everything to me, because while I am still attached but I am AWARE.


Hi hungzai

To be without an ego is about as desirable as being without a brain. It’s not the ego that's the issue, it's the identification with it. Realisation is about seeing/sensing/realising the ‘bigger picture’ in which ego and all else manifests.

As that starts to become clear, the shenanigans of the personality/ego/body-mind will begin to moderate themselves accordingly.

Meanwhile, you obviously enjoy indulging your competitive streak. If it involves gambling or is hurting others then there may be practical reasons to curtail it. If not, I don’t really see a great harm. Just try to see it for what it is, a quirk of the phenomenal body-mind - an itch that you feel the need to scratch at the moment. When you’ve really had enough, you’ll stop.