Webwanderer wrote: ↑
Thu Jan 03, 2019 5:32 pm
pabl692 wrote: ↑
Thu Jan 03, 2019 4:38 pm
It's like I don't know who I am... that I've led a false life. Even though I thought I was just being me. I was content, and relatively happy. Now I should be content with being nothing and just being happy with existing. Everything is an illusion, nothing is real. My life is not real.
You're not 'nothing'. You, your true self, is far more than that. What you are not is what you 'think' you are. Thought and analysis can be helpful, but it is not the best way to 'know' what you are. You know more of your 'self' when you are not thinking, but rather being aware through 'feeling' your being in quiet meditation.
If you go to the theater and see a scary movie, it can suck you in and frighten you. That's what it was designed for - an emotional entertainment ride. You went redily knowing it would challenge your emotions. But the context and story of the movie does not represent who and what you are. It's just an experience. The feelings are real, but the conditions and story are just a way to explore an idea.
Life in this human form is similar in that it is a temporary experience of the far larger consciousness that is your true nature. Being here is not random and it has valuable purpose. It is an opportunity to explore experience through this human expression. So explore. Get into life and have some fun, and learn what you can along the way about how feelings and emotions work. Sure, there is likely to be some pain when we think and act in certain ways. But that's not a bad thing. It's just another type of experience that one can learn from. What you are going through now is simply a result of how you are thinking about it.
There is no fault here. Life is not bad. Awakening is not bad. It just changes the context of how we view life. It's common to have an adjustment period. It's new to each of us as we step up to a new perspective on life. Yes, it can be quite disorienting for a time. It's okay. Explore. Actively seek inner guidance. Insight is the best teacher. Be patient and beware of the ego's habit of judging things based on its own fear. Ego is a human thought perspective. Awakening is to grow beyond it.
Thank you for your response, but I just feel like this is all too much for me right now.
Sitting here now, I don't see how I can enjoy anything anymore. Everything sounds very abstract to me, and I don't think I understand it.
As I say, I read Tolle to try and stop the cycle of rumination about my tinnitus and also a few episodes in my past. Apart from those couple of things, I was largely fine. I didn't spend all my time ruminating on my past. Sure it popped into my mind daily, but some days I would brush it away and carry on. Really, I could go a long time without seriously thinking about what I did. Some days I would spend more time thinking about it. And focusing on the present is effective for me. In regards that I enjoy things more, like driving the car is a more immersive experience, and I notice more things.
But the ego talk has scared me. I don't think you understand how scared I am and what effect it has had on me. Like it is as if I supposed to be a human body, but with no mind. No thinking. Like I have 2 brains, so I've been possessed or I am possessed by something. That is SCARY.
Before all this, I had a lot of joy in my life. I loved going to work, because I see my colleagues/friends and we had fun. Also, I love seeing the kids at work, I like the mayhem and the challenge. Going to work gave me a purpose that I enjoyed. It wasn't EVERYTHING to me. I had other things too. I would have outtings with friend, go to the cinema, go shopping, go for walks in nature. I always had things to look forward to.
But apparently all these things are bad and not me. They're all an illusion.
Work: The happiness/identity I have felt from going to work is an illusion. It gave me comfort. Going to work has always helped my mind. I usually come home from work feeling much better, because I've seen people and interacted and been immersed in something.
So do I quit my job? Because all this time I was going to work, enjoying myself, thinking I was helping others, meeting people, learning things, is all an illusion and my ego. When the real me just wants to sit in the present?
Friends: Again, they're an illusion, they're not real, I don't need them, and if I find myself enjoying being around them, that is my ego trying to survive. I should be content with sitting in a room just in the now, alone. Also, my friends are not real because they are an ego. Does that make sense? So the people who I love, are not themselves. So they are basically human forms but not real. They are controlled by something almost alien. So who am I talking to? Do you have any idea how scary this is? Now this seed has been planted, can you understand how scary it might be?
Hobbies: All pointless and illusions. Leaving work I would be excited about coming home and doing some cooking and then watching a movie. But this is my ego talking. My real self would be happy just being present. So what is the point in anything? Youll just say enjoying the 'present'.
What is the point? "You can just enjoy the present". I'm not sure I want to. Because living like a vacant vegetable doesn't appeal to me, unfortunately. And no matter what I say, or what my concerns are, the answer I will always get is "because the present transcends everything, it is the ultimate joy". Well, I'm not convinced it is. I've lost ALL feeling. I feel numb, that everything around me isn't real. I don't feel alive at all. I feel half dead. My entire world has come crashing down, and I don't think it will be the same.
My anxiety is through the roof. I'm living in a fantasy land it seems. I have 2 brains, too, apparently. I can't eat, sleep, or do anything. I've just laid in bed all day thinking about all this stuff and looking for a way out. Which again, you'll say, just enjoy the present. I enjoyed my old life, much much more. It's ups and down, trials and tribulations.
I honestly wish I'd never read ET. I really do. It's like mindcontrol. I feel like I've been hypnotised. I might have to go to the hospital, this isn't good.