Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

A place for anything that doesn't fit into the existing forums
Post Reply
winstonthebish
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:57 pm

Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

Post by winstonthebish » Mon Mar 04, 2019 10:06 pm

I started reading Power of Now in October after I stopped having contact with this girl I dated. I stopped because I thought she had slept with some other guy, even though we weren't exclusive. I thought, and found out later she just made out with him (she might have done it, doesn't matter, just pointing out how identified with thought I was and addicted to pain, to the point of not talking to the girl I actually liked). I went through a lot of pain and tried to escape it through partying and chasing new girls. It didn't really work, until one day I went "I'm going to stop stalking her on social media. I'm going to stop indulging in thought about her. If they show up, I'll just shift focus." This helped a little bit, as I stopped thinking about her too much.

Fast forward two days before NYE, and I sent her a message asking why she fucked that guy. I was also really drunk and sad, but she wanted to meet up again. We did, had a lot of fun, and I started to read PoN again. After finishing the book, and really observing how my mind creates and obsesses around self-made problems, I knew that I wasn't "at peace". Or I was at peace only if I could stay present but at the same time have no problems in my life. This great feeling lasted only for a couple of days before my mind created new problems about not having problems. Now I just feel empty inside, like something is missing. I feel like crying, and have been for the last week. I can't seem to understand why, which is why I just accept it. I know you can't be present and feel sad at the same time, but every time I try to focus on my breath, or feel the inner body, this sadness just shows up. What do I do?

I can see I create problems about pretty much anything, and obsess on them. Example: We've dated for two months, why hasn't she asked me to become official? I know this isn't really important, but my mind makes it important, and I act on them, making the relationship worse and giving me more pain. Example: My mind goes: "remember that she has had sex with 10 guys before you", and somehow I get sad and angry at her, even though I know I shouldn't. It just feels like the ego is dying, and it is going all out to stay alive, no matter what the cost. What do I do? This void inside me is growing, and I don't want it to ruin the relationship or stay in this pain. I'm only 20 years old, and when I ask my friends for advice, all they say is "just relax, dude, stop overthinking". Or "just fuck some other girls, then you won't care".

User avatar
Webwanderer
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6710
Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 12:03 am

Re: Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Mar 05, 2019 4:21 am

In your own mind, give her her freedom to do what she wants. You have no right to control her behavior. In freeing her, you may well find your own freedom. Two free people coming together is a truly beautiful thing. Living with someone who offers freedom is something worth investing in. Investing with things like commitment. Free commitment.

If she, or you, feel inclined to explore other interests, then it's likely not the right relationship for you. In trying to force a relationship that isn't right, you block yourself from one that is. Freedom. There is nothing better in a relationship or in life.

As to her, or anyone else's past behavior, it's only as bad as you make it. The reality is, you make it bad by judging it wrong. It's that judgment that creates the pain you feel. That's a choice you don't have to make. You're very young, so it may be a while before this makes much sense to you. Don't curse the pain however, it's your most reliable guide on the clarity of your thinking - or lack thereof.

WW

winstonthebish
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:57 pm

Re: Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

Post by winstonthebish » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:46 pm

Thank you for your reply, WW. I try to just let her be as she is. She said at first she didn't want a relationship, and then a day after said that we are basically almost in an "official" relationship. I thought at first that would make me happy, but I didn't really feel anything other than confusion to why she would say that a day after she didn't want one. I think I've realised that even if we become "official", this suffering inside me won't just magically go away. And it won't go away if we stop meeting either. So I just need to learn to accept the present moment, stop carrying all this past pain and stop worrying about the future.

I have fun with her, and kind of I'm glad I feel sad when I'm alone and unconscious, because at least now I know I identify with ego and let my pain body arise when I'm not present. This epiphany wouldn't have happened without ET and reading a ton of the posts here. I'm glad I can at least be the witness, and that's what really matters. Maybe one day I'll stop identifying with thoughts all together, but for now I'll try my best to stay present, even though it gets tiring after a while.

Thank you again.

User avatar
Webwanderer
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6710
Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 12:03 am

Re: Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Mar 05, 2019 10:04 pm

My recommendation is to tell her that you want her company, but only if she wants to be there. If she knows she's free to test the waters without getting trapped, she's more likely to take the risk. It has to be real on your part however. People can tell when something is only words. You'll find that as you free her, you will free yourself. It's a great place to be that builds trust and great relationships.

And forget 'official'. It's just a form of a trap. What is it, marriage lite? Today's relationship is enough. Enjoy it. Tomorrow will take care of itself which is better built on today's experience. No strings, and no ties, make it far easier to return for another get together.

WW

winstonthebish
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:57 pm

Re: Feeling empty and sad, will the ego ever die?

Post by winstonthebish » Wed Mar 06, 2019 12:11 am

Oh wow. Yes, she told me she wants to hang out with me and she enjoys my company, and I enjoy being with her. She told me she didn't want to sleep with anyone else, only me, which is good enough for me to build on at least. She also knows I'm not running around with other girls myself.

But wow, I really liked "Today's relationship is enough. Enjoy it. Tomorrow will take care of itself which is better built on today's experience." I'll remember this going forward. I guess not being "official" is just the ego's new main source of energy haha.

Thank you for all your replies, they really helped. I'm super grateful, thank you!

Post Reply