In need of some serious help!!!

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SamiT
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In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Tue Apr 30, 2019 2:07 pm

Hello again everyone

I was new to this forum a few months ago but have found myself back in severe pain again. This is going to sound really stupid but I have had SEVERE health anxiety for the past 7 years. I have found Eckhart and have read the PON.

I think what I do is I believe the stream of thoughts that come into my mind for example your going to die you need to get to the hospital etc. (I'm 34 and have had countless medical tests all of which have come back clear.) my mind tells me things like to keep checking my blood pressure to see if it's okay and I find that these thoughts are so STRONG I believe and then act upon them I.e go to see a doctor sit in the emergency room.

I have seen countless therapists etc.

I would be greatfulmif someone could help me take a step back and not get drawn into these thoughts.

Thanks Sami from the UK

Alicia
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:45 pm

Hi Sami

Can I ask what sort of therapy you had because finding the right therapist who you click with can be so helpful for this kind of thing.The very strong thoughts you describe most likely have their roots in deeper issues and it's not always a matter of being able to remain present and examine them - you may need some CBT or other mind based therapy to get to grips with what the anxiety is about (it's almost never about what it seems and stems from the unconscious). Most spiritual teachers, even ET I think, believe that mind-based therapies have their place. I would never have reached this point in my spiritual life without the counselling I had. It is therefore a shame that it hasn't worked for you, but it may be that mindfulness CBT is what you need, assuming you haven't tried it already? Or else, perhaps you need in depth psychotherapy if your issues go very deep. Health anxieties can be rooted in all sorts of difficult issues.

But apart from that, daily formal meditation, where you vow to notice every thought you have and your reaction to it, could be helpful. You know that the thoughts aren't true, but you are driven to following them regardless. Can you be the witness to your thoughts and emotions and watch what goes on? Many guided meditations will help you do this. Insight Timer is a fantastic meditation app to put on your phone and you get loads of free meditations on it, all kinds.

Books by Byron Katie can also be extremely helpful because she helps you unpick the 'story' which your mind is telling you and question whether specific thoughts or emotions are true or not (they're usually not!). It's very much like CBT. Look at the thought and really consider whether it's true or not. For example your mind is saying you need to get to hospital or you will die. Is this true? You have already countered this by saying no, I've had loads of tests and they're clear, so I'm fine. The thought is therefore false and you can discount it.

Having the willpower to avoid such thoughts is necessarily but tough. Can you distract yourself from the thoughts? Put music on, go out in nature, indulge your senses with a hot soapy bath? If you really can't, there's clearly some deeper subconscious issues that need addressing and I would honestly advise trying to find a good therapist. CBT is great, as is meditation and spiritual awareness, but sometimes people need heavy duty emotional work to get to the root (I did).

Alicia
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Tue Apr 30, 2019 6:20 pm

Hi, just another thought. Tolle talks a lot about the pain body, which is activated to various degrees depending on how deep the emotional pain goes and how much this has been processed or not. The pain body takes over the person to the extent sometimes that they don't have any control over what they're doing.

Although you are obviously clearly aware of your distressing thoughts, your emotions are so intense that you are driven to engaging with them despite knowing they're not true. This speaks of the pain body, which can be seen as another term for the unconscious. If you haven't read Tolle's second book A New Earth, he talks a lot about the pain body in it.

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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Apr 30, 2019 9:46 pm

SamiT wrote:
Tue Apr 30, 2019 2:07 pm
I would be greatfulmif someone could help me take a step back and not get drawn into these thoughts.
I've mentioned to you before that the fear you feel is a matter of context. You mostly fear death because you believe it to be the end. Is it? The overwhelming evidence is that it is not.

The understanding of death as a transition rather than a final state is exceedingly helpful in creating a context that you can live with (pun intended). People who have had a near death experience no longer fear death. Most actually look forward to it. Those people who engage in a deep study of near death experiences release their fear of death to a large, and sometimes great degree.

I don't fear death. Nor do any of my close associates with whom I have frequent discussions of death and where it leads. It's really an interesting and often fun discussion. I know we laugh a lot when we talk about it. The dying process itself is another matter. No one wants to have a painful and lasting death experience. But death as an experience is simply a portal to our true home as conscious beings. Who fears going home to an unconditionally loving environment?

Anyway, I highly recommend you make a study of the near death experience, and larger Conscious Reality, information that is easily available. I don't mean just read a book, or listen to a lecture. That's a start of course, but I mean a genuine personal research effort to discover the truth, what ever that might be. You can't remain terrified of death once you realize what you are actually fearing. What you fear is much more about the unknown than the truth of what happens. Knowledge is power.

Below is a good start to your exploration if you will but take it. There is lots more as many on this forum can attest. You have nothing to lose but your concerns.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SkTuk8Zd4

WW

SamiT
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Wed May 01, 2019 5:22 am

Hi

Thanks for the replies. I’ve had CBT over and over again. I am currently having it at the moment.
Thank you for the NDE video I have never come across that before and will look into it.

On a day to day basis it seems like I let the ego make my choices, I’m poorly at the moment sore throat aching etc and my mind tells me oh I hate being ill I can’t stand this you can’t go into work your going to get fired this is going to turn into a serious illness etc. How do you remain present even when feeling physically poorly?

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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Wed May 01, 2019 6:13 am

SamiT wrote:
Wed May 01, 2019 5:22 am
How do you remain present even when feeling physically poorly?
I don't always remain present. I doubt there are very many people that do. That said, I always know that presence is available with a simple shift in perspective. I am present so often during my day that it's an easy state to regain in most circumstances. Because of a high degree of familiarity with presence, I'm not too concerned when I get distracted by the events and conditions that come my way. I just return to presence when I recognize the distraction, and that it is adversely affecting my current experience.

When 'feeling poorly', I don't judge it as some short-coming, or fault, or some such thing. It's just an element of the tapestry of this human experience. Of course I don't much like feeling ill. Who does? But it's not worth making some kind of moral judgment out of it. Here's what I know based on a lifetime of experience that is far more often correct than not: This too shall pass. I take whatever appropriate action that feels right to deal with it, and wait it out. Meanwhile, I look for things to appreciate - and for good reason.

Appreciation is as close to unconditional love as anything I've ever imagined. It's subtle, relaxing and uplifting all at the same time. Explore it for yourself. See how it feels. It's a wonderful high energy state that attracts healthy healing energy from the Universe itself. The word appreciate actually means to grow in value. What a wonderful energy to channel through our consciousness and being - especially when our physical and mental energy may be low due to health or other concerns.

WW

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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Wed May 01, 2019 5:26 pm

Being fully present doesn't mean you have to like any kind of experience. It's being aware of your experience, your reactions to it, even your non-acceptance/resistance to it. And as WW said, no one can remain present all the time anyway!

With my health issues, I try to live in a way that supports my body and mind on a daily basis. This goes wrong all the time - my body has its own ideas no matter how hard I try, I feel irritated and low quite often so I eat rubbish and feel worse, my energy is low so I don't have the energy to be open to others - you name it, it happens. But daily meditation helps me to witness my thoughts and emotions about my body/life and how I've reacted to situations and people, and I feel compassion for myself in what I'm dealing with. Like WW, I find tremendous benefit in gratitude and appreciation for the beauty in life including the small things (which are really the big things).

I'm sorry that CBT hasn't helped. Obviously I don't know your background, but fear of death can also be more widely about fear of the unknown and of losing control. Unfortunately we have no control over when we die nor do we really know what happens afterwards (although there's a lot of helpful research into ndes etc) and that can be extremely tough for the mind to deal with. All we can do is focus on what we CAN control. That doesn't mean becoming a control freak, although many people do (!), as that's just another way of masking the fear. We can control our attitude to life by focusing on the beautiful things as above, and finding that space beyond the mind that can become away to lessen identification with our thoughts and emotions and bodies whilst also accepting the temporary existence they're in.

I still struggle with the fear of losing my much loved dog at times. In the past I would cry at night sometimes because I absolutely dreaded losing her. (She represents a lot to me due to lack of family and other issues in my life). Meditation and spiritual practice has helped me to see that life is a series of moments and by appreciating the good times my fear lessens a bit. Enjoying my dog's company and being aware that nothing lasts forever enables me to live more fully in the now.

SamiT
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Wed May 01, 2019 5:42 pm

I’m always physically poorly. Probably because I’ve suffered with anxiety for so long that my immune system is rubbish because of stress.
The thing is I’m always calling in work sick, number 1 because I do get physically poorly a lot but number 2 because when I do get sick my mind makes it 10 times worse than it is. It convinced me I’m going to die or that I’m seriously ill and I stay home from work. The thing is I’m worried now that I’m going to lose my job. My details have been sent to the HR department because I’ve had that much time off work in a short space of time. I will have to have a meeting with the HR department and now I’m worried sick. This is all the result of the ego running my life for so long.

Alicia
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Wed May 01, 2019 6:51 pm

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I still think you might benefit from in depth therapy to examine the root of this anxiety. These engrained emotional patterns dont leave until they're properly felt and processed. I feel all this anxiety is a mask for deeper issues.

SamiT
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Wed May 01, 2019 7:27 pm

I’ve had in depth therapy. The reason I struggle with anxiety is because I collapsed a few years ago that’s where it stemmed from, anxious that something like this would happen again.

Alicia
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Wed May 01, 2019 7:48 pm

Ok. I really hope you find a way forward that works for you.

SamiT
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Wed May 01, 2019 8:13 pm

Thanks. That’s why I’m here because I need some help. Help to not take my ego as truth 😊

Alicia
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Alicia » Wed May 01, 2019 9:28 pm

Yeah I can hear that you need help. Without wanting to be annoying, this is my final thought: Have you tried accepting the fear? Can you love all of you? I can imagine how upsetting and frustrating the last few years have been in dealing with all the anxiety and fear, but have you turned it around so that instead of trying to get rid of your emotions and your entire ego system, you accept them for what they are (part of you, and a natural response to a traumatic experience)?

That's really what I meant when I described feeling compassionate towards self . I have chronic illness and the losses it has caused me I can't even begin to explain. I've even had to deal with others judgement as part of it. I beat myself up over being ill and unable to do what others do. I just wanted it all to be different. And now? I still would rather not have experienced and continue to experience certain things, but I accept the thoughts and emotions I have as part of me, and feel compassion for myself. At the end of the day I did the best I could with what I knew/had at the time, and the same is true for most of us.

You don't want to take your ego as truth, but what happened to you was and on some level still is true for your body and emotions. Maybe your fear is like a child, calling to be loved because it still hurts due to that experience. It's okay to still be hurting. And it's okay to still hate the fact you're still hurting. Can you find compassion for those parts or at least allow them to be there even for just a short time each day?

I think there's maybe a danger in spiritual practice to push away the ego-mind and pain body and see them as separate because then certain issues don't get dealt with. In fact they are part of our human experience and they do need to be acknowledged and felt, which can be a very long and painful process in some cases.

SamiT
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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by SamiT » Wed May 01, 2019 10:17 pm

Thanks for your response Alicia.

I suppose the answer to that is no. I don't think I have ever just accepted the fear or the thoughts or any of the anxiety to be honest. I think because I've hated the way I've felt hated the way it's taken over my life these past years I haven't wanted to accept it.

Maybe this is part of the problem, in a way fighting against the ego.

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Re: In need of some serious help!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Wed May 01, 2019 11:29 pm

SamiT wrote:
Wed May 01, 2019 10:17 pm
Maybe this is part of the problem, in a way fighting against the ego.
Therein lies the source of so much of our self-inflicted pain. Understand, that which fights against the ego - is simply more ego. It's like standing in front of a mirror and attempting to knock out the one looking back at you.

Spirit/conscious being, does not fight with its shadow. It merely observes and appreciates the contribution it makes toward understanding itself - regardless of its behavior.

WW

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