Suicidal spouse

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Ttiot12
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Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2019 4:18 pm

Suicidal spouse

Post by Ttiot12 » Fri Jun 07, 2019 6:16 pm

I just found this forum today and have been looking for some support and guidance from like minded individuals. I have been married to my spouse for about 10 years and we have a child together. I never realized it at the beginning but he has basically been depressed and at times suicidal the whole time I've known him. He has also been in school and starting out his career this entire time, which he says is the main reason he is suicidal.

He feels stuck in this profession because of extreme student loan debt and now a huge business loan. It's his first year owning a business and in my eyes he is doing well and we are great financially. However he can't handle the ups and downs and inconsistencies that come along with owning a business and he takes everything personally.

He actually does a magnificent job when he is there and is almost like a natural born leader at times and probably seems like the nicest guy most of the time. And some days he is excited about our lives and talks about how good we have it where we live is amazing and he loves it and on bad days everything is horrible and he hates where we live, we have horrible lives, etc.

He will talk for hours on end about it. And I try my best to be empathetic and be there for him in any way I know how. It's exhausting though and when we talk he dominates the conversation wether he is in a good mood or bad mood.

Sometimes I think about divorce, I'm not sure I want it but I'm not sure I want to keep rehashing the same cycle over and over anymore. It's exhausting. I've realized that I've also been playing into his ego too in order to "make him happy". He requires a ton of coddling and being told he is amazing and how hard his life is and that he has no support, etc. And if he doesn't hear the exact right thing or if I don't do the exact right thing he will push me away or go even deeper into his negativity.

For example, I was rubbing his back the other day because his body was sore after work and I asked if I was doing it how he wanted, and he all of a sudden flipped out and told me not to touch him. If I say the wrong thing when trying to console him he says I'm patronizing him. I think I have to literally break down crying with how sorry I feel for him in order for him to be okay with my response. I've actually done that and while it satisfies his ego in the moment I think it also helps to solidify "how awful his life is" and so I've stopped doing that.

I've also tried to talk strategy about getting out of the profession and while sometimes that works it's only temporary. It's so hard because on good days he will recognize how crazy he was being and will apologize but then we always go back to the same spot of him feeling sorry for himself. He also brings up suicide sometimes, but he brings it up almost as like a sympathy thing or a threat. The way he says it isn't like factual, it's like he's trying to get me to react a certain way to it or something.

Im not sure he would actually do it or I at least hope he wouldn't. I am afraid that if I were to ever leave him that he might do something. As I am writing this I am realizing that I feel stuck in this relationship just as he feels stuck in his job. And I love our relationship when he is good and he loves life when his job is good. Does that mean I need to be the catalyst for change or does it mean he is trying to make me feel how he is feeling?

I am generally an upbeat person and enjoy life, but it's hard to do when he is home and sucks all the life out of the room (when he has had a bad day). I guess my question is how do I respond to him empathetically without feeding his ego. His ego is literally never satisfied although I know technically that is how it works😂 It takes a ton of mental effort, tiptoeing, and dancing in order to be there for him "properly" when he is down. Listening and holding him is not enough for him. Also to whomever read this whole rant, THANK YOU 🤗

(Moderator note: Post edited by adding paragraphs for readability.)

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smiileyjen101
Posts: 3750
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 3:44 am

Re: Suicidal spouse

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Jun 08, 2019 6:26 am

Ttiot said: I guess my question is how do I respond to him empathetically without feeding his ego. His ego is literally never satisfied although I know technically that is how it works😂 It takes a ton of mental effort, tiptoeing, and dancing in order to be there for him "properly" when he is down. Listening and holding him is not enough for him. Also to whomever read this whole rant, THANK YOU 🤗
Tt, firstly namaste, the heart of me recognises the heart of you, reading your post... took me back.

To directly answer your question above is not easy, and neither is applying the principles in such life situations. But there is maybe an unlearning experience opportunity at the same time as a learning opportunity. The short answer is --- by recognising and applying boundaries to what is yours, and what is not. ...your interpretations of 'properly' is likely emphasised because it's not to be read/understood in the 'normal' sense of the word, but by what you have (forgive me) been trained to interpret it as.

Three elements you are balancing with (at least) you - him - the relationship.

All are important, but the only one you are responsible (response able) for is you, and the only part of the relationship that you are responsible for and able to change or grow, is your contribution to it.

Mindfulness helps - focusing on just this moment and deciding clearly how to respond, or if to respond at all or just to put space around it. I was at a seminar yesterday where the illustration of when to become mindful with practise includes when either your own overbearing thoughts are unnecessarily or unhelpful taking up all your attention, or someone else is by entering your space and filling it completely with dramas, opinions, needs, fears - likely all outside of this present moment. To continue the cycle is both exhausting (which further decreases your capacity) and only results in negativity that never resolves anything.

If you are a naturally empathetic person, it can actually be a little harder to see when what we are contributing is not necessarily helpful.

It is hard sometimes to step back and allow space around it, and not be pulled into the drama, wanting to 'do the correct thing', but that is exactly what has to happen for anything at all to change or even just 'shift'.

If you were to psychically and psychologically and emotionally to step back a little when these dramas are unfolding --- become aware of what is happening without being drawn in and overwhelmed by it, without you believing you have to do something ... could you just let it 'be'? and let your partner answer his own questions and address his own fears? Could you become just present in the situation, not a part of it? Not running away... just letting it be. (I think the guy mentioned... as if you were just watching the scene from a seat in a cinema).

There are a few questions and tips in this relationship brochure you might consider.

I was given pages from Conversations with God book 2 and it proved so helpful I created these reminders about thing I needed to take away from it. I wonder how you would reflect on each point by point?

Unconditional love excerpts Conversations with God Neale Donald Walsch

"Love is that
Without condition
Without limitation
Without need

Because it is without condition it requires nothing in order to be expressed.
Because it is without limitation it places no limitation on another.
Because it is without need it seeks nothing not freely given, to hold nothing not wishing to be held, to give nothing not joyously welcomed.
And it is free.

Love is that which is free, for freedom is the essence of what God is, and love is God expressed. Love is the freedom to express the most joyous part of who you really are.
The part that knows that you are One with every thing and every one. This is the truth of your being, and is the aspect of Self which you will most urgently and earnestly seek to experience.

And honesty is the highest form of love.

Loving another does not mean that you must stop loving (honouring, cherishing, respecting) yourself.

Granting another full freedom does not mean granting them the right to abuse you.

Nor does it mean sentencing yourself to a prison of your own device in which you live a life you would not choose, in order that another may live a life that they do choose.

Yet granting another full freedom does mean placing no limitation of any kind upon another.

You limit that which you choose to experience, not what another is allowed to experience.

This limitation is voluntary and so not a limitation at all. It is a declaration of Who You Are. It is a creation, a definition.

This does not mean you must submit to abuse. It means that love for yourself and for the others is always the solution.

Love asks nothing in return.
It withdraws nothing in retaliation.
It knows no ending but goes on forever.

Love gives a soul back to itself."
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

Alicia
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat Apr 27, 2019 2:07 pm

Re: Suicidal spouse

Post by Alicia » Sun Jun 09, 2019 12:11 am

I have also been where you are and I really feel for you. It's not easy.

SmileyJen has already said you're only responsible for you, and that is tremendously important to absorb, if you haven't done so. People like your husband tend to make others feel responsible for their wellbeing. This is because they are hurting and can't take care of themselves and need others to do this for them. As you know, it's easy to get pulled into an unhealthy dynamic where you are feeding his unhealthy patterns, usually by taking on the caretaker role for his hurting child.

To be honest, he needs counselling to really work through his deep seated issues. Have you suggested this to him (in a kind supportive way)? If he won't go there's nothing you can do, but it is really important to be aware of your thoughts and feelings and not be emotionally drawn into his moods and manipulations.

Know that his emotions and behaviour are the result of past pain that he is acting out with you.
Remain in the present moment and don't react emotionally to his words.
Point out, where possible, things that might increase his awareness of how he is behaving or reacting.
Be a supportive presence for him, but from a place of compassion rather than emotion.


To be honest though, I think he needs help with his problems and much more than you can give him as a loving parter. I guess therein lies the choice - if this is how it is going to be from now on, do you want to stay in the situation? If he gets help there may be some chance of change, but that is very rarely the case as people don't generally like to examine themselves too deeply. It is okay to think about you and what you need. It is okay to move on from a situation when it is no longer allowing you to grow (and often if that's true it's the same for both partners).

If you are worried about your partner commiting suicide should you leave, please know that you can't feel guilty for how he responds because he is reacting out of past pain. My ex husband threatened suicide as well. He never did it, but the fear it provoked in me was horrendous. That was before I was particularly interested in the spiritual path. I had to be strong and know I needed to leave for my own sake. I did and it was the best decison I ever made. I'm not saying this is what you should do, only to be aware of your responsibility to yourself. Barring any children, it's the only responsiblity we ever have.


Best of luck.

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