How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

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a_dust
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How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by a_dust » Wed Jul 29, 2020 8:21 am

I have a friend who projects a lot of criticism and judgement towards people in her life including the ones she’s outwardly friendly with, and I try to not get sucked in and participate in her rants but am afraid that not agreeing with her and sometimes prompting questions or making statements to suggest a different perspective seems to have given her the idea that I think I’m better than her.

I can only try my best to be my best self but I’m only human with feelings and baggages and my own fragile ego too and it really irks me when she directs her negativity towards me.

On an instance she jokingly accused me of being difficult and snobby when I asked a shop assistant for a specific item, an item she considered a novelty, and the petty and unnecessary remark really threw me off.

I have tendencies to internalise conflicts and am not always good at dealing with it in the moment nor standing up for myself in a constructive way, especially when my feelings are hurt. I was really confused and felt badly after a couple of negative interactions with her and have been wondering how I could’ve better dealt with those situations?

I also have fears about her speaking negatively about me to other people and feel rather sad about the fact that she probably has better social advantages to project her ideas about me to others than I can show for myself.

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Webwanderer
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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Jul 31, 2020 5:57 am

a_dust wrote:
Wed Jul 29, 2020 8:21 am
I have tendencies to internalise conflicts and am not always good at dealing with it in the moment nor standing up for myself in a constructive way, especially when my feelings are hurt. I was really confused and felt badly after a couple of negative interactions with her and have been wondering how I could’ve better dealt with those situations?
Here is how I see it. When someone is consistently critical of you or others, it tends to say far more about them than it does about you or whoever they may criticize. Consider this a while. Try seeing a critical person through that lens. There is a deep understanding here about the interactions we have with most other people. It's also worth remembering... that same truth also applies to us. So beneath and beyond the words, what do you want to convey to another as a person?

There is no judgment intended here. There is no right or wrong. Only a little insight into how things work.

WW

a_dust
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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by a_dust » Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:00 am

Thanks, I appreciate your reply.
Webwanderer wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 5:57 am
When someone is consistently critical of you or others, it tends to say far more about them than it does about you or whoever they may criticize. Consider this a while. Try seeing a critical person through that lens.
I find it hard to not give a cent to critical opinions because what if there is some kernel of truth in what they're saying? How do I distinguish whether the source of my hurt feelings isn't coming from a place of ego/defensiveness and should therefore process it instead of labelling the person as critical and maintaining a healthy boundary? I suppose to put it differently, how could I ever trust my judgement to not take on board a critical input when I myself have my own shortcomings and blind spots?
Webwanderer wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 5:57 am
So beneath and beyond the words, what do you want to convey to another as a person?
I'm not sure if there is anything I want to convey to others, I just wish for my actions, thoughts, values, experiences to not be misinterpreted and to not feel like I have to wrap and present myself in the right way to show to people before they can project their ideas about me, am I making sense? I wish just knowing who I am and accepting myself would be enough to make me feel contented but I still find it challenging in moments of disconnection with people and that feeling of deep disconnection makes me feel whether there is something wrong with me.

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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:48 pm

a_dust wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:00 am
I find it hard to not give a cent to critical opinions because what if there is some kernel of truth in what they're saying?
I took your earlier post as referring specifically to someone who is critical by nature. Of course it is wise to consider the source when considering the criticism.
How do I distinguish whether the source of my hurt feelings isn't coming from a place of ego
My take is that hurt feelings are pretty much always coming from ego. That's not a bad thing. That is just how painful emotions work. Ego is a distortion, albeit a useful one to our larger reality. We tend to look at such pain through the judgments of right and wrong. I only suggest that there is also the option to look at that pain for what we can learn from it.
I'm not sure if there is anything I want to convey to others, I just wish for my actions, thoughts, values, experiences to not be misinterpreted and to not feel like I have to wrap and present myself in the right way to show to people before they can project their ideas about me, am I making sense?
I'm not suggesting you wrap and present yourself for appearances sake. I'm suggesting more authenticity. That way there there is no pretense to shore up, only expressing who you are - which is beautiful at its core. It may be a little uncomfortable early on as it can feel a bit naked, but in time it's quite freeing.

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axetenuz
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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by axetenuz » Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:16 am

I find it hard to not give a cent to critical opinions because what if there is some kernel of truth in what they're saying? How do I distinguish whether the source of my hurt feelings isn't coming from a place of ego/defensiveness and should therefore process it instead of labelling the person as critical and maintaining a healthy boundary? I suppose to put it differently, how could I ever trust my judgement to not take on board a critical input when I myself have my own shortcomings and blind spots?


Good attitude. I will disagree with the other poster above on "considering the source". That is the old game and has different words like "resonate". Well, using some examples, an alcoholic will resonate with another alcoholic and one thief will "resonate" with another thief. So resonance has no meaning. If i am blind, no amount of resonance is going to give me sight. I need my own eyes, not another's.
I also have fears about her speaking negatively about me to other people and feel rather sad about the fact that she probably has better social advantages to project her ideas about me to others than I can show for myself.
This is an FYI in case you aren't aware, clinical psychology has long since established and acknowledged what was always common knowledge that women, and some effeminate men, use reputation destruction as means to express their violence. They will try to slander and mobilize public opinion against anyone they have problems with. If you weren't aware then this might explain the behavior you have mentioned.

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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Aug 05, 2020 5:02 am

axetenuz wrote:
Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:16 am
Good attitude. I will disagree with the other poster above on "considering the source". That is the old game and has different words like "resonate". Well, using some examples, an alcoholic will resonate with another alcoholic and one thief will "resonate" with another thief. So resonance has no meaning. If i am blind, no amount of resonance is going to give me sight. I need my own eyes, not another's.
Context matters. Suppose that source is one's mother or loving friend. Still, I suppose you could be right in that they too could be an alcoholic or a thief. :wink:

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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by axetenuz » Wed Aug 05, 2020 5:45 am

While lot can be said on Sophistry and can be used to tear down the person who engages in such activities but i won't do it, except just to remind us that it won't get you anywhere. The analogy of the alcoholic and the thief was given to highlight the futility in seeking resonance.
Context matters. Suppose that source is one's mother or loving friend. Still, I suppose you could be right in that they too could be an alcoholic or a thief
The only context that matters is the context of right or wrong, not "loving" or "unloving". The 'blind' do not have the capacity to determine love, that ignorance is part of the blindness and is evident in their seeking of "resonance".

Therefore the merit of any criticism is measured on its relevancy not on its source or in its patty cake delivery, as the latter is a rather wimpy way of looking at things.

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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Aug 05, 2020 6:07 am

The only context that matters is the context of right or wrong, not "loving" or "unloving".
If that is your choice, I wish you the best with it.

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axetenuz
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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by axetenuz » Wed Aug 05, 2020 6:13 am

Again, it is not a matter or "your" or "choice", but of relevancy. I understand there is lot of fear but at least don't close yourself to pondering on this point.

wsmcasey
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Re: How to deal with my friend's negative behaviour in spite of my own hurt feelings and insecurities

Post by wsmcasey » Fri Aug 07, 2020 5:22 pm

I have first hand experience with this. I love my wife, however, she has the most difficult personality that I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. (Bossy and manipulative are the first words that come to mind).

Eckhart has helped me to approach difficult relationships as spiritual practice. Saying very little, staying as present as possible, and even removing myself from the situation to allow their pain body to subside.

Unconscious humans are a blessing in disguise. The real challenge is to work on remaining conscious and not get pulled into unconscious reaction when dealing with these types of people (which is most of the population).

My goal is to stay present while they are being unconscious with me.

Does it always work? That depends on me, so NO, not always, but there are valuable lessons to be learned for sure! I do my best to accept people for the way they are. Everybody comes with their problems.

We are all life and if you fight life then life will fight you back!
Relax and let life happen.

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