resisting and sexual attraction

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BrahmanEternal
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Post by BrahmanEternal » Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:29 am

Another one awakened and finally happy, ......... to go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRk-whbTHP4
The world is becomming a better place!

spikyface
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Post by spikyface » Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:07 pm

If you want to get better at meeting women then read Double your Dating by David Deangelo

It's a good starting point for improving your social skills, but once you're comfortable being yourself with new people, you won't need it any more

Some lessons can be learnt from others, others you just have to learn for yourself

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BrahmanEternal
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Post by BrahmanEternal » Tue Sep 25, 2007 7:06 pm

My biggest problem with meeting women is fear of rejection.
Once you become the big-me you do not care nearly as much if the illusory me gets rejected because a shadow is getting rejected not you, but this is a long way. :)

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Post by spikyface » Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:51 pm

Actually I don't think it's as hard it's made out to be

It's the natural state of being, whenever I've been able to do it's come in 3 stages

1. Stop thinking, it's like I catch my mind whirring away like a computer in overdrive and I just pull the plug, this is inner peace I believe, a lack of internal dialogue

2. Just stay in that state of mind for a while and naturally I just start to feel good, kinda just happy without feeling a need to justify why I feel happy

3. Focus on feeling the inner energy field and expanding it, this I can only do rarely at the moment and in certain circumstances (i.e. when completely relaxed and comfortable in a very quiet place)

When I can do 1 and 2 approaching pretty much anyone and starting a conversation becomes natural and easy

I don't know a great deal about the process but I know that it can't really be forced, when it happens it's as natural as the breeze

If at any time I can't do it I just accept it and watch my thoughts instead, after watching for a while, the feeling of peace spreads

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Webwanderer
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Post by Webwanderer » Wed Sep 26, 2007 1:24 am

Fear of rejection is directly related to one's emotional investment in results.

People can read desperation in a suiters eyes like recognizing a trap with a flashing sign on it.

Deal with the confidence draining investment and the desperation will leave you eyes.

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Post by spikyface » Wed Sep 26, 2007 12:32 pm

yah I agree with you totally on that one

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Post by Dongle » Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:48 am

Brahman Eternal

I suppose I have the advantage of having read through the thread in its entirety. I have a sense that your state of mind has changed over its course, it seems you are finding difficulty with what I can only describe as a discrepancy between the mind and your emotional state.

When you practice presence you create space in your mind, space that allows you to view your life situation with an 'objectivity'. In this state, you seem to be able to cope with the thoughts that come in and puzzling out the issues you have identified. Read through your posts from beginning to end in this thread, just relax and read.

The discrepancy between mind and emotions is IMO one of the most debilitating disadvantages of human existence, this, I believe is what shappy meant by confusion, or at least the root of it. It is as a result of being identified with mind and emotion, occilating between them. The larger the discrepancy the greater the suffering.

The discrepancy is based on belief and or knowing. You know the answers with your mind, emotionally however the answers are unknown to you. When you experience a dramatic emotional event, whether generated through identification with mind, or as a reaction to a particular stimulus a complex interaction between mind and emotion ensues. It is an interaction you indulge in.

Watching is the only real solution, these complex interactions cannot be puzzled out, there are too many variables, too many conclusions and each time you find one, you will be pointed to another. Give up, trying to understand.

Becoming that which you wish to be requires that you give up being you you think you are.

You have an idea of where you want to be, you have looked at it, put it on top of a pillar slightly out of arms reach, and now you run around the pillar trying to get there.


Remove the pillar, watch your mind and behavior and practice presence and it will come. All else falls into place.

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Post by suraj » Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:00 am

You have an idea of where you want to be, you have looked at it, put it on top of a pillar slightly out of arms reach, and now you run around the pillar trying to get there.
Excellent Dongle! :)
I AM

Vpopov81
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Post by Vpopov81 » Tue Oct 02, 2007 6:23 pm

BrahmanEternal wrote:I find this hard because of my past, i m 26 years old and i m still a virgin.
Its not that i m a spoiled child who wants everything to be perfect for him, but from a point of view most people can be labeled spoiled because most peoples limitations are far less then limitations of some other person he had to accept.
But ok lets say my limitations are out of ordinary, that i feel as 26 years old young male full of energy and desire to have fun my life seems that it was simply "cut away" from me. I see happy couples around me hugging and they seem happy. I know its important to accept and that you may see me as spoiled from your point of view but After so many years of limitations and waiting i m getting kinda crazy about it you know?

Its not the sexual pleasure i seek here, i can get this from masturbation, i want a connection with another person, i want to be hugged, you can say this is my ego craving for it. That egos want to feel loved, appreciated. But i think theres lot more to this then just that, its connection you feel, rapport, seeing other persons eyes looking at her soul, listening, sharing, empathy, so many things.

The problem is you know it can be better, pain can be gone, you can even feel good, and your stuck and stuck in this same position over and over again, and it hurts and theres always pain, and its just driving me nuts.

But again what are my limitations compared to other people?
And what are their limitations compared to some other people?

Ok i got it i need to accept this moment, does any good soul have some good pointers for this kind of situation? (i hate that word)

what are your limitations compared to other people? They are your thoughts. NO thought no comparison. The moment you are comparing you are setting yourself up. Next time you catch yourself seeing a happy couple and a lonely thought comes up, question it. Ask yourself why did this thought arrive that causes me suffering instead of one of feeling joyous for them (or you can substitue that for any other thought). Once you realize that it was that thought that caused you suffering and not seeing the couple hopefully youll get a flash of insight. Ask yourself if you chose the suffering or if it arose automatically. If it arose automatically then it isn't "your reaction" but human conditioning, and if it was a conscious decision that means that you chose it and are capable of choosing otherwise. If you learn that you caused your own suffering by your thoughts and attitudes there is no problem. Theres nothing wrong with suffering. If you don't mind suffering, keep wallowing in the way you feel life should be. If you want to not suffer , want what you have. When you want what you dont have thats suffering so stop wanting and theres no problem. If you depend on a situation for your happiness you sell it way too cheaply. stop creating unhappiness by these thoughst and next time the moment you see the heartbraking thought arise catch it and say to yourself "aha! I just created this emotion"

K hope this helps

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Post by weopposedeception » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:39 am

Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides.

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BrahmanEternal
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Post by BrahmanEternal » Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:33 pm

You know what.
Excuse my language but i m just so damn , bloody sick of my shitty ego and all of the projections and negativity it casts on other people and how it laughs at my face you can go as far and say that.

People who accept me - my ego doesent accept them, it resists them to the point when i just reject these people from my life because resistance is just too much.
People who dont accept me - i want to be with them.
And i think i m not stuck alone in this scheme. Because i see that the person who doesent want to be with me suffers for a heart breaking boy in the neighbourhood, who also has someone "above" him in this desire hierarchy.

I wondered often why i want to be with this girl and i think most of it has to do with ego gratification , i m feeling important being with her and i know this sounds sick but its the way it is.

While when this other person wants to be with me i feel like a loser in her company. Ok, my ego feels this way. Its a cycle i can not get out of and why i think i will always be alone.

But hey at least i have a bench in the park, LOL.
Tolle you are king.

You know what, someone suggested to me to check out seduction, social dynamics manuals and stuff like that, and yes i have been reading such sites for past few months, and you know what, the main lecture is this - show another person you are cooler then him/her.
Ok i know that beyond this superficial level there is world of deep human connection, humor, empathy, listening, and all, but the level of ego and emotional and other projections on other people is just too strong, dislikes and likes change in short time, its a crazy game you need to learn to play if you want to have "friends" and "lovers" and you cant be compassionate in it its a ruthless game.

So i do not know i think i will just stick with spirituallity and try to forget about crazy reallity of human relationships.

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sparks
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Post by sparks » Thu Oct 04, 2007 1:20 am

BrahmanEternal wrote:So i do not know i think i will just stick with spirituallity and try to forget about crazy reallity of human relationships.
This is going to be a strange post, so I decided to give a little advance warning. The example given below is not directed at anyone. I used it because this topic seems to be about relationships, sexual attraction, and resistance. :mrgreen:

The impression I'm getting here, and I may be totally off, is best expressed through 3 quotes:
"Don't pretend yourself beyond your own evolution." Byron Katie
"Yes, pain is ultimately an illusion, but is that true for you right now?" Eckhart Tolle
"Trying to live from a truth you have not personally experienced is hell." Vernon Howard

I believe many of us get caught up in this so called "spiritual" life and try to follow the rules and imitate it to the point of getting frustrated and withdrawing from life even more.

If I'm a sex obsessed pervert with no social skills, what becomes the "spiritual" way for me to live? I believe the main practice at this point is this: Confession and Forgiveness

Can I confess to myself the extent of my own urges and desires? Trying to resist them only makes them stronger and more twisted. My only option is to admit that I have desires JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

"Wow, maybe I'm not as hopeless as I thought." Perhaps by admitting that I contain such things, I will be able to deal with them. I might even be able to FORGIVE myself for being this way. In my search to feel love and to give it, maybe I made a wrong turn. That's ok, because I once read that "Awareness explains and releases the past." Oh, now I understand my mistake during all this time. I've been trying to live according to an ideal instead of meeting myself where I am with compassion and understanding.

I once read about a very angry man. He could not stop being angry no matter what he tried, which made him even angrier. One day, he started observing his anger without trying to change it...he just let it be there since he had no choice. As he did this, he started becoming a sweeter person. Soon, he was able to bring love and compassion to the anger while watching it, which healed the wound. He found out that the anger was not the problem...the real issue was the hurt he felt...the wound of "no love". He had hated his anger so much that he withdrew any love from himself because he had judged himself unworthy. This didn't matter anymore so the question of self-worth vanished.

Love is space...giving freedom to something or someone to be just as they are. Dysfunctions seem to arise out of "lack of love"...restriction and an attempt to change. A common belief is that "when I'm fixed, then I'll be lovable." Seems a bit backward to me. I believe that the great teachers are so lovable because they first looked inside and allowed everything to be as it is. Since they first loved themselves through acceptance, they were able to radiate grace to others. Byron Katie says that "whatever we don't accept in ourselves, we automatically reject in others." The reverse is true..."whatever we accept in ourselves we automatically accept in others."

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BrahmanEternal
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Post by BrahmanEternal » Thu Oct 04, 2007 2:31 am

sparks wrote:
BrahmanEternal wrote:So i do not know i think i will just stick with spirituallity and try to forget about crazy reallity of human relationships.
This is going to be a strange post, so I decided to give a little advance warning. The example given below is not directed at anyone. I used it because this topic seems to be about relationships, sexual attraction, and resistance. :mrgreen:
"
Ok Sparks i appreciate your post, and i see what you are trying to say here.

Ok maybe the best way to say what i mean is by portraying a little storry that i talked about with a friend on yahoo just an hour ago, so.. can you imagine a dog inside a cage and on the other side of cage is a big juicy stake and the dog has to look at it until starvation, through the cage he sees other happy dogs who enjoy their stakes hapilly day after day wig their tails in joy. There is also a preacher dog who says accept it, love yourself and everything will be fine, he is in cage at top.
As someone before put it its easy for people who were lucky enough to have proper social conditioning and go through all the thick and thin to say how relationships are "just an illusion like anything else".
Ok i know there are a lot tougher-easier situations to accept then mine is, but lets be honest, imagine yourself walking through streets and seeing people laughing, singing... having group sex in hostel rooms while you are sitting on floor with big bottle of rum, and you wish you could just reach presence or something but that doesent work either, and you just run away from hostel and walk around hopelessly trying to forget about it.

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sparks
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Post by sparks » Thu Oct 04, 2007 4:45 am

BrahmanEternal wrote:Ok i know there are a lot tougher-easier situations to accept then mine is, but lets be honest, imagine yourself walking through streets and seeing people laughing, singing... having group sex in hostel rooms while you are sitting on floor with big bottle of rum, and you wish you could just reach presence or something but that doesent work either, and you just run away from hostel and walk around hopelessly trying to forget about it.
I'm a little confused here. Your description sounds like either a place where lots of folks practice tantra, or a spring break type party situation. I'm also not sure if you want to be a part of it or if it's somehow distracting you from what you want. One thing I do know for sure, though, is that the preacher dog sounds like an idiot who shouldn't be listened to. :mrgreen:

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Post by suraj » Thu Oct 04, 2007 5:42 am

And i think i m not stuck alone in this scheme. Because i see that the person who doesent want to be with me suffers for a heart breaking boy in the neighbourhood, who also has someone "above" him in this desire hierarchy.

I wondered often why i want to be with this girl and i think most of it has to do with ego gratification , i m feeling important being with her and i know this sounds sick but its the way it is.
You are so right, BE
I AM

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