Awakening in troubled marriage

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spiritual_guidance
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Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by spiritual_guidance » Fri May 22, 2009 2:23 am

I just finished reading/listening to A New Earth. While I think my process of awakening is helping me with my troubled marriage, my husband who is still 'unconsious' who still treats me and my kids the same unconscious way. I often wonder where the harshness and hostility came from when I love him so much, and am constantly working on 'changing myself' to make the relationship work. For example, I simply wanted a hug on Mother's day, he refused to offer and asked me to get it from my daughters who are 4.5 and 1. He replied, I will hug you if I want to. I didn't let my ego and pain body take over, so I didn't let that bother me with awakeness. Last night, when I asked him not to be so short-fused with my 4.5 daughters, it turned out to another disasterous fight. I love him, and keep turning to my religious and spirtual development to help me cope with these recurring situations. Should I just accept unhappiness in my life?

nutrition
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by nutrition » Fri May 22, 2009 11:07 am

hi SG,
from my experience (see my thread in Relationships titled Long and painful separation...) it is time for you to give your husband space. I wish i had done that (a big regret... my ego speaking )
I am saying to give him space because it seem to me that you might be needy and clingy towards him (just like me). Of course his behaviour is unconscious, but that is a given as he is not interested in awakening (as far as i can tell)
Ask nothing, expect nothing. you say you love him:love means to accept a person as he is and to see the liveness in him. his behaviour is not who he is.
try it for a while and see what happens.
blessings

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Onceler
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by Onceler » Fri May 22, 2009 12:21 pm

It sounds as if he can be an excellent teacher, whether you stay with him or not. I work with learning disabled teenagers. I couldn't ask for 40 better teachers to erode my ego. (of course my wife and kids also gives me what I need!)
Be present, be pleasant.

nutrition
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by nutrition » Fri May 22, 2009 2:42 pm

yes, it is a good way to see it. husband is an excellent teacher and has become my spiritual practice. today is harder than other days. but every situation is what it is neither good nor bad...but thinking makes it so.
blessings

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Sighclone
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by Sighclone » Fri May 22, 2009 3:56 pm

Welcome spiritual_guidance.

Sit down with yourself and allow the "unhappiness" to enter. Invite it in. Be with it fully. 100%. Ignore, deny, repress none of it. And see if a little space doesn't develop. See if it doesn't begin to lose its grip.

Check out Byron Katie's fine efforts at thework.com. She offers nondual ways of exploring difficult personal issues using a "four questions and a turnaround" cognitive technique - her primary book on this is "Loving What Is." She is endorsed by Eckhart Tolle.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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mistral
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by mistral » Fri May 22, 2009 5:10 pm

Read this book:

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger

It is a wonderful message and Dr. Laura may or may not realize it, but she has put to practice the insights and wisdom of 'how to live The Power of Now, into marriage'. It is a beautiful book, it is all about Love 'without ego', read it, you'll see. If you do what she explains to do, you will be a very happy, loved woman married to a very special much loved guy and your house will be full of love and happy kids too. And the things she suggests should not be a difficult task for you, since you have already 'gotten over yourself' to some degree.

And remember, do not be prejudice and limiting as to 'where' the Light of comes from---If we say there is 'only one' then trust It---In Truth all information, books, people, words, whatever are within This One and Only One Intelligent and Loving Light of Life. We never know in what form our prayers are answered, or how God's Good and Grace will come. And why not? This Light of Love is Everywhere at once and in and being' all that is.

Mistral

spiritual_guidance
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by spiritual_guidance » Fri May 22, 2009 7:52 pm

Thanks for all your advise and good thoughts. I'm trying to take them all in.

I'm trying to meditate and pray, and allow the "unhappiness" to enter. I feel some space there. I'm not as angry with him or situation. But tactically, I still do not know how to face him when he's still very hostile when we meet eye-to-eye. I'm reminding myself not to let my ego speak, so I kept quiet but I know I'm distancing myself from him. But I think distancing is not a solution, it's avoidance, and that's ego, right?. I also kept reminding myself to lower expectation, or to have no expectation.

I will check out some of books recommended. I hope I can acquire the wisdom and knowledge to be at peace with my marriage and my life.

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Blackberry
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by Blackberry » Fri May 22, 2009 11:54 pm

I feel for you in your relationship. Actually I feel for both of you! I hope you can get through this stuff to create a loving life long companionship. In my opinion there's not a lot of spiritual practise needed in relationship rescue. How about some good old fashioned communication, Listening and TLC. My advice to you is don't confuse yourself with all this ego business. Your at where your at and while mediation and understanding may be invalueble to your own state of mind and inner strength I think you just need to have a heart to heart. Your man obviously has a heart or he wouldn't be getting so upset inside. Good luck to you sweet heart.

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mistral
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by mistral » Sat May 23, 2009 3:04 am

Blackberry is right; It is simpler than you think. If you be the love you want, you will see the love you be. Our world 'out there' is actually a reflection of what we are 'inside'. So, if you are angry you will see anger depicted in the world's reflection. It is a mirror we live, and mirror images we are seeing. What you be is what is see. If you are loving and in love with your husband, he will be loving and in love with you. No joke. Be the person you want him to be---try it, it works wonders. Do this with your kids too, be the person you want to see your kids behave like. Your kids are reflecting your behaviour. It is true. You be the one to always be generous and thoughtful and kindly toward your children (everyone) and they will 'become that'. Be tender and sweet and whatever it is you want them to be. They will be what you are being, saying, doing, reacting as, et al. Same with your husband, instead of you asking for hugs and kindness, and a few loving words--you be the one to give the hugs and sweet loving, and tender words--watch, it works divinely well. If you want him to speak to you kindly, then you must speak to him in the way you want to be spoken to---you will see him change. It is inevitable, a guarentee. And if you do not see any change, then you will know that you are not really changed. We are the world we walk through, LIke a holy hologram we live a single and only Selfhood that belongs to the Ineffable One; Its Divine Solipsism.

Mistral

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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by nutrition » Sat May 23, 2009 10:43 am

Mistral and all thank you for you post. it is really helpful to me too. this is a great thread SG!
mistral wrote:If you be the love you want, you will see the love you be. Our world 'out there' is actually a reflection of what we are 'inside'. So, if you are angry you will see anger depicted in the world's reflection.
I totally agree, i can see the miracle of change already at work. i used to be angry all the time and attracted angry people. things have changed in just a couple of months since i read the PON and ANE by ET and started practicing them.
mistral wrote:If you are loving and in love with your husband, he will be loving and in love with you. No joke. Be the person you want him to be---try it, it works wonders.
Mistral, here i do not know if i can say for sure this can happen. or better, it might happen, but it takes more than just a couple of months when it comes to a marriage. it takes a long time....and at the end really....you cannot have anyone fall in love with you no matter how much loving and in love you are with that person. especially if that person is not awakened and has no intention of doing so. for example, my husband tells me he has absolutely no feelings for me, that something inside of him "broke" and the connection of love he felt for me is really not coming back.
mistral wrote:You be the one to always be generous and thoughtful and kindly toward your children (everyone) and they will 'become that'. Be tender and sweet and whatever it is you want them to be. They will be what you are being, saying, doing, reacting as, et al. Same with your husband, instead of you asking for hugs and kindness, and a few loving words--you be the one to give the hugs and sweet loving, and tender words--watch, it works divinely well.
I have been doing exactly that. i see great results with my son, he has really become more affectionate and thoughfull towards me. i do not see the same with my husband. ET says in his books that if you live with a very unconscious person there are 2 possibilities: one: he starts to awaken as a consequence of your awakening. two: you are no longer feeding his drama and he is going to look for a better pain body to live with, basically the relationship ends because the light of consciousness it too bright for someone who is not ready to awaken.
Mistral, i would love to believe that my change could really make my husband fall back in love with me or make Spiritual Guidance's husband less angry and more affectionate. However I think we should be prepared also for the possibility that these men are not ready to awaken. that they are so trapped in "their Story" about us and our marriage that for them nothing else plays in their head but a mental movie of negativity. they see us, their wives, as a label and they interact with that. we have changed but they have not, they too are reflecting a mirror image of themselves on us.

I have a question about "unsconscious" love. the one most people believe to be true love. when someone says: i have no longer any feelings for you, i am no longer in love with you... is the absence of feelings created by the mind's negative "stories" about that very person you used to love so much? after all, aren't feelings (and emotions) the body's response to thoughts? so when unconscious love is gone, it is gone becouse of negative mental projections...?

blessings!

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mistral
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by mistral » Sun May 24, 2009 6:05 pm

I am not saying anything esoteric of metaphysical, although everything is in fact 'spirit or energy or unseen vibration'---all I am saying is that if you treat someone the way you would like to be treated, you will reap the wonderful rewards of that 'energy'. It is give-give world, not a give-get world. Love never goes any where 'else'--It does not go away, it does not 'come from' someone 'out there'. Love is the lense through which we are seeing---there is no other lense, whether we know it or not---but not knowing It, will often distort our view through that Lense. Anyway, if we think about doing something to make somelses day very sweet, rather something to make our day sweet, that will indeed make our day sweet.

I just can't see any reason for making problems when there is the possibility of making of Love (literally if you have a husband) and emotionally, and doing things like making a house look nice and making your family feel at peace and safe when they come home. There is nothing more 'divine' in symbolic ways, than Home. Being home and coming home is very special, and if there is a loving wife and mother that can make that happen, that is her 'divine' calling.

Can you think of anything that tops that? I really cannot. As wife and mother, it is husband, family and home is where our Spiritual wisdom should come first, and be practiced first. Make home the heavenly sanctuary---an outward depiciton of the Soul and the Heart and Unseen Grace and Love that is Always Here awaiting our "flow with It" into tangible expression here on 'earth world scene'. Creative Wonder.

MIstral

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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by nutrition » Sun May 24, 2009 6:23 pm

mistral wrote:I just can't see any reason for making problems when there is the possibility of making of Love (literally if you have a husband) and emotionally, and doing things like making a house look nice and making your family feel at peace and safe when they come home. There is nothing more 'divine' in symbolic ways, than Home. Being home and coming home is very special, and if there is a loving wife and mother that can make that happen, that is her 'divine' calling.

Can you think of anything that tops that? I really cannot. As wife and mother, it is husband, family and home is where our Spiritual wisdom should come first, and be practiced first. Make home the heavenly sanctuary---an outward depiciton of the Soul and the Heart and Unseen Grace and Love that is Always Here awaiting our "flow with It" into tangible expression here on 'earth world scene'. Creative Wonder.
Mistal, thank you for your post.
i have been giving love, space and taking care of the home without complaints for one year now. my husband just spent the night elsewhere and is not home yet. it is very possible that he is having an affair. dinner is cooking, our son is home, we have flowers on the balcony. it is a sunny day. the house is fairly clean. i accept everything. i love him no matter what. i told him so yesterday before his leaving. it is very possible that no matter what i do my husband's unconsciuousness will only make him see what he wants to see.....?
blessing

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mistral
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by mistral » Sun May 24, 2009 7:22 pm

If you have made a wonderful home and have been truly devoted to him and your family and the home, and he is still cheating on you---then you did marry a real cad. Too bad for him. Sounds like a bad apple to me---that is very sad for you and the kids...rotten, to be exact.

What to do with that? I have no idea. I can't image how painful that would be.

Wishing you well.

Mistral

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mistral
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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by mistral » Sun May 24, 2009 7:38 pm

I guess you just stay with Power of Love (Now) and grow strong in This LIght of Truth and see what 'comes of it'....I would assume it would be something Good, despite the upheaval and pain---sometimes our best 'teachers' are the worst things that life piles on us. Life is The Divine Discipline---apparently, being here in the world, none of need any 'teachers' other than This 'tangible world of seeming' and all the 'hard lessons' life brings to us---it certainly does keep us honest and on the 'straight and narrow'.

The Simple Words of a Confederate Soldier

I asked God for strength that I might achieve
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey

I asked for help that I might do greater things
I was given infirmity that I might do better things

I asked for riches that I might be happy
I was given poverty that I might be wise

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life
I was given life that I might enjoy all things

I got nothing that I asked for
Oh, but I got everything I had hoped for

Despite myself, my prayers were answered
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Anonymous---Confederate Soldier

Be filled with Gratitude for all things ---Grace is Real, that is one thing I do know for sure.

MIstral

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Re: Awakening in troubled marriage

Post by nutrition » Sun May 24, 2009 8:03 pm

thank you Mistral, i was not always loving to him. my pain body was a very active one. but i forgive myself for that, i could not have acted otherwise given my level of consciousness back then. but i have really changed in a year and have shown him that. however he has told me it is over and we will separate soon. i, of course, would like to stay in the marriage. i know i am crazy but i truly can see the good in him and love him. we have only one son who will go to college in a couple of months. reason why my husband no longer sees the need to stay in what he defines a marriage that never made him happy with a woman he never really loved.
blessing

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