During my youth I was raised in a single parent household by my mother who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. I really didn't become aware of the condition until around age 16 to 18. When you grow up in such an environment it seems normal to you because it's all you know, and you pick up a sort of paranoid perspective from viewing the world through the eyes of your parent.
At age 18, it became increasingly obvious that living with my mother wasn't in my best interest. At this time I met someone and we moved away together. It was as if the universe knew it was time for me to leave so it arranged the next step. After moving out, I began to develop an awareness that my perspective was somewhat distorted. It's been 27 years and I must say I've come along way baby...lol.
The challenge is that now these ingrained patterns seem more subtle. It's as if the obvious stuff is out of the way and what's left is hardwired into my psyche. Sometimes it's even difficult to tell the difference between having a simple preference and whether or not that preference is based on a learned paranoid thought pattern.
For example, I'm out at the store and I have a moment when I don't feel guarded and suddenly a stranger makes a kind comment or friendly chat. During these brief moments I know I'm giving off a completely different vibration that's being read and responded to. It's a state when I feel like I'm being my true self.
Then what sometimes happens is a fear rises up that tells me don't get too comfortable because if they get to know me, they'll reject me once they get wind of this other side of my psyche. Sometimes this happens in a larger general sense with an entire population at a grocery store and I find myself feeling very self conscious. When this happens, I feel like many people are reading my vibration and reacting accordingly, but they are unaware of why I'm feeling guarded.
I hope this makes sense. It's such a recurring issue and I'm sure it's also tied into my painbody as there's sometimes much pain associated with all of this. I know there's an incredible amount of insight here so I thought I'd post an inquiry. Hopefully it's not too out there or abstract sounding.
Thanks...
