The whole of my life story suddenly came to light... all those years searching for MY LIFE NOW.... looking in books, in people, in things, in experiences.LIFE NOW is all there is. And I AM IT! The SEARCH and busyness that I have been consumed with seems so incredibly, amazingly ridiculous. Like the absent minded professor who looks for his glasses while they're sitting on top of his head all along. Or... a fish swimming in the ocean who becomes self aware and then wants to know what sea life is. Or.... well there just isn't a good enough example to describe the ridiculousness of this awareness.
All the books, tapes, seminars, videos, teachers, gurus, masters...
I just want to yell at the top of my lungs...
DUH!!!!!!
so then it hit me... why keep reading, why keep talking, why keep studying, why do anything? NO REASON AT ALL.
That's the beauty of it. As long as I don't search for myself THERE (wherever there is) then it makes no difference whatsoever what I do. I can keep reading, studying, talking... whatever... fully knowing I'm not really learning anything that I don't already know... or discovering anything that is worth discovering... or accomplishing anything significant or meaningful. The nothingness is everything and the everything is nothingness.
It's really funny because after this hit me last night, I had this moment where my ego absolutely freaked out. There was this huge.. NOOOOOO!!!! that came forth. Like... No, this can't be all there is. There's gotta be some kind of EXPERIENCE worth pursuing and reaching for. There's gotta be something MORE!!!!
And I saw, deeper than I ever saw before, how absolutely freaked out the ego was at being with Nothing... at Being Nothing... at no longer seeking. I saw how it hides in addiction, in busyness, in avoidance, in ANYTHING to keep from just being still. The stillness, to it, is unbearable.
I have never seen it that clearly before. I never saw how identified I have been with THIS THING that is absolutely terrified of Nothingness.
Wow!
