I can't win

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Midnight
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I can't win

Post by Midnight » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:36 pm

In self enquiry, I ask "Who am I?"
Depending on my minds level of activity, I either get nothing as a response, or a ton of bullshit coming from the mind, senseless thoughts.
Either way, nothing has changed despite alot of self enquiry, so what do I do - forget about it?

I try to watch the thinker, but the thinker thinks too much, so I can't watch it without getting involved and identifying with it. So what do I do?

I am aware that there is something beyond mind, yet to do this I am told to STOP doing anything (mentally speaking) after much first hand experience, I have concluded this is physically impossible; thoughts come in a torrent. So am I fucked now?

Folks, I'm at a loss, I feel like i've tried everything. I'm not content with just being told to try and live with my ego or 'accept' myself. This will not happen, I refuse.
I don't want to accept myself, there is nothing worth accepting.

I've been moping around all fucking miserable today, my Dad said, whats wrong? I said I dont know.... so much sadness in me, I want to destroy my ego, crush it into a million fucking pieces. How dare it destroy my life like this, make me so ashamed to be myself, smash me at every turn.

Anyone else feel like nothing is working? Like you've reached the end of your tether?

Beyondthought
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Re: I can't win

Post by Beyondthought » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:58 pm

As alan watts says. "However, this attempt is so habitual that it can hardly be stopped, so that whenever anyone tries to accept the moment just as it is he becomes aware only of the frustration of himself trying to do so. This seems to present an unbreakable vicious circle-unless he realizes that the moment which he was trying to accept has now moved on and is presenting itself to him as his own sensation of strain!"

My first thought is that your wanting to "get something however suttle, a mind state, experience etc. And that's why your straining, and doing self enquiry, I've never been one for self inquiry, as It is a thing you wake up when your ready. And that self enquiry can be used if your inclined and really feel you need to do it, not as something mechanical. Like most people nowdays, they eat for the sake of it, for their minds, not for their bodies.

Don't worry you come out of whatever your trying to get out of, but not in the traditional sense

Peace ;)

Ralph
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Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2009 12:08 am

Re: I can't win

Post by Ralph » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:07 am

Yes Midnight, that's right, you can't win.... why ? ... because the one that wants to get this is what stands in the way of true seeing.
Listen midnight, there is nothing in it for you, there is nothing to get, who/what you truly are is prior to all this.

So ,excuse my language but get the fuck out of the way... this you you take yourself to be is what is causing all the trouble and if you DO get the fuck out of the way ,then guess what.. there it is (it always was and always will be). It is waiting for you . This is what is meant by the quote "die before you die".

so, what obstucts it ? you

rodriguez_88
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Re: I can't win

Post by rodriguez_88 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 3:11 am

Hang in there, bud. I've been there. Only thing I can tell you is to keep being Self-aware. It got me out of depression. Good luck and best wishes.

-jose

enigma
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Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:51 am

Re: I can't win

Post by enigma » Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:13 am

Midnight wrote:In self enquiry, I ask "Who am I?"
Depending on my minds level of activity, I either get nothing as a response, or a ton of bullshit coming from the mind, senseless thoughts.
Either way, nothing has changed despite alot of self enquiry, so what do I do - forget about it?
Yes, forget about that kind of inquiry. It's only potentially useful once mind has pretty much come to rest. There's another sort of inquiry that turns attention toward the functioning of mind with the goal of consciousness, clarity and understanding.
I try to watch the thinker, but the thinker thinks too much, so I can't watch it without getting involved and identifying with it. So what do I do?

I am aware that there is something beyond mind, yet to do this I am told to STOP doing anything (mentally speaking) after much first hand experience, I have concluded this is physically impossible; thoughts come in a torrent. So am I fucked now?
Stopping happens by itself when there is the willingness to stop. It makes no sense for a mind that wants to think, to want to stop.
Folks, I'm at a loss, I feel like i've tried everything. I'm not content with just being told to try and live with my ego or 'accept' myself. This will not happen, I refuse.
I don't want to accept myself, there is nothing worth accepting.

I've been moping around all fucking miserable today, my Dad said, whats wrong? I said I dont know.... so much sadness in me, I want to destroy my ego, crush it into a million fucking pieces. How dare it destroy my life like this, make me so ashamed to be myself, smash me at every turn.
How about getting some clarity about who it is who has an ego and wants to destroy it? Isn't it ego"? What happens if you get really clear about that? Can the battle rage on?

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Mouse
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Location: Kyogle, Australia

Re: I can't win

Post by Mouse » Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:50 am

You seem in this post to have a big focus on the negativity.

Now what about the good in your life. See the good around you. Do you get free board? Meals cooked? It is Intelligent to acknowledge it.

There is good in your body now. Ignore the self and Self, and find the good within, acknowledge that.

This is my suggestion because Freedom is freedom from negativity, freedom from the negative content of my self.

Use the intelligence/presence you have gained to contain your self as an emotional feeling in the belly region or the whole body. Hold it there and dissolve the emotional content that feeds on thought. Get into your body where the good is and stop 'trying' to realise this consciousness. "I" can't, it is the intelligence of the Body that realises consciousness.

Identify what "I" is in the body and get behind it. To hold that state amounts to being the body and the senses every moment.
I have been inspired by Barry Long's teaching and I write this so as to acknowledge my source of inspiration. It is a wonderful help, and it is a wonderful gift.

enigma
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Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:51 am

Re: I can't win

Post by enigma » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:17 am

This is my suggestion because Freedom is freedom from negativity, freedom from the negative content of my self.
Freedom is the freedom from all such dualistic polarities, including "good". To focus on the good is no better than focusing on the bad, since they are two sides of the same coin. Throw the coin away and see what remains.

I don't want our friend to escape the bad; to do an end run or about face or start collecting silver linings. What I wish for him is true freedom which requires a potent mixture of courage and humility. The kind that it takes to stand face to face with God, without flinching, and admit utter defeat.
Stay tuned! Next, on 'The Sensational Channel'. :shock:

hanss
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Location: Gothenburg - Sweden

Re: I can't win

Post by hanss » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:25 am

Ralph wrote:Yes Midnight, that's right, you can't win.... why ? ... because the one that wants to get this is what stands in the way of true seeing.
Listen midnight, there is nothing in it for you, there is nothing to get, who/what you truly are is prior to all this.

So ,excuse my language but get the fuck out of the way... this you you take yourself to be is what is causing all the trouble and if you DO get the fuck out of the way ,then guess what.. there it is (it always was and always will be). It is waiting for you . This is what is meant by the quote "die before you die".

so, what obstucts it ? you
I have a note on my computer screen that I wrote a few days ago. It says:

"GET OUT OF THE WAY! So the awareness can rise when and if it chooses to. It is not personal! Nothing in it for Little Me, who should just get out of the way and let go of control."

"I" must surrender to something bigger and trust it.
"In today's rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just Being."
(Eckhart Tolle)

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Mouse
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Location: Kyogle, Australia

Re: I can't win

Post by Mouse » Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:17 am

enigma wrote:
This is my suggestion because Freedom is freedom from negativity, freedom from the negative content of my self.
Freedom is the freedom from all such dualistic polarities, including "good".
I have discovered a good without an opposite.

What propels/motivates you to be the truth? Surely it must be good or you wouldn't be attracted. Is a greater reality Good. If not why are you and me moved to live as the truth? What are you going to call the motivation? Neutral? A greater reality is more real. Does more real =more good. Yes, in my experience.

'Good' is ''God" with a extra 'O'. All the good in the life is God. The not so good is my self.
I have been inspired by Barry Long's teaching and I write this so as to acknowledge my source of inspiration. It is a wonderful help, and it is a wonderful gift.

erbeeflower
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Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2009 10:53 pm
Location: eastbourne east sussex england

Re: I can't win

Post by erbeeflower » Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:09 pm

Hello Midnight, i can feel your vibe and relate to it. If i were you i would investigate some other philosophies.I respect this forum very highly,there are many sincere well meaning people.There are many interesting opinions and anecdotes.There are many many ways to look at life, i enjoy trying on different perspectives to experience how i see and feel.
In my opinion no single philosophy,religion or ideology should govern,confine or limit a person. Peace :)
I'm still enjoying thinking and exploring too much to get stuck here :-)

hanss
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Location: Gothenburg - Sweden

Re: I can't win

Post by hanss » Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:30 pm

Midnight wrote:I don't want to accept myself, there is nothing worth accepting.
"If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace. The ego doesn’t like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength."

Eckhart Tolle
"In today's rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just Being."
(Eckhart Tolle)

nightowl
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Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:36 pm

Re: I can't win

Post by nightowl » Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:27 pm

Stop trying. Start living.

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Midnight
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Location: London

Re: I can't win

Post by Midnight » Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:37 am

Hey everyone!
I am happy to report I found a little gem on this forum who linked me to a looong almost poem like piece of writing by Osho, who explained that what stands in the way is the seeker, and for the first time I have seen this to be true!

The ego has become so subtle recently it tricked me into believing everything isn't fine as it is, what a joke! I am once again sitting here smiling as I did when I first had a realization of the emptiness of self.

Couldn't have done it without ya.

God bless xx

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Ananda
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Re: I can't win

Post by Ananda » Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:19 am

The ego has become so subtle recently it tricked me into believing everything isn't fine as it is, what a joke! I am once again sitting here smiling as I did when I first had a realization of the emptiness of self
The smiling will go away again, the peace be covered up again.

Stay with the Self and go beyond such opposites, beyond the need for them.

enigma
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Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:51 am

Re: I can't win

Post by enigma » Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:52 am

Mouse wrote:
enigma wrote:
This is my suggestion because Freedom is freedom from negativity, freedom from the negative content of my self.
Freedom is the freedom from all such dualistic polarities, including "good".
I have discovered a good without an opposite.

What propels/motivates you to be the truth? Surely it must be good or you wouldn't be attracted. Is a greater reality Good. If not why are you and me moved to live as the truth? What are you going to call the motivation? Neutral? A greater reality is more real. Does more real =more good. Yes, in my experience.

'Good' is ''God" with a extra 'O'. All the good in the life is God. The not so good is my self.
There is nothing that is not God.
Yes, the motivation of mind is 'good', but mind doesn't understand what it seeks. The goal is as much illusion as that which seeks it.

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