This one fear sticks

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Midnight
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This one fear sticks

Post by Midnight » Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:32 am

Hey everyone.
Back in December I made a post about a certain night when the sense of self seemed to collapse entirely, 'my' perception of life was forever altered and this is still my experience today. Thoughts of past and future have nowhere to sit now and don't stick as they used to, although there is one big thought / fear that seems to hold the beingness hostage.

The fear that I will become boring / lose something that I will never regain if I rest enough in the sense of 'I AM'.

At first, it was observed and began to fade, then I began to pay it interest and suddenly some fear came up that I haven't felt for months.

There are big holes in this thought, first that there is no I to become boring and noone to lose anything, infact the whole thing is a big hole because its just a thought.

But I have to say, this one has a bit of staying power, it feels like the last bastion, and something in me is defending it, it believes I will dissappear if I give in to it, which again is just another thought which is witnessed.

It feels like the last hurdle, any thoughts?

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eputkonen
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by eputkonen » Wed Feb 23, 2011 6:11 pm

Face that fear and go through it. Be willing to be boring to be who you truly are.

As long as the mind/ego can catch you with some reason not to fully let go and surrender, then the struggle will always continue. Only when you finally accept any situation (boring or not), then the struggle ends. There are no more carrots to dangle that would influence.

You have to go where angels fear to tread (so to speak)...and just let it all go without reservation. No conditions.

You will never abide in the Self, rest in the "I AM", be who/what you really are...as long as you have conditions. If you say to yourself...I want this only if it means I will not become boring - then it will never be.

Would you really refuse to be who/what you are under some mentally made up conditions?
Namaste,

~ Eric Putkonen
https://www.youtube.com/EricPutkonen

hugh2323
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by hugh2323 » Wed Feb 23, 2011 9:55 pm

Be boring. Once you realise their is nothing to fear in being boring, then you will lose your fear. But, you cannot trick yourself. You must really accept the possibility of being boring, because some people will think you are boring if you stop going to parties/getting drunk/whatever. So maybe your fear is not baseless. But some people will think you are boring if you do go parties and get drunk all the time, so you can't win that battle.

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Midnight
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Midnight » Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:11 am

Thanks Eric.

Thing is, I don't really know what or who I am anymore, like I said, this recognition of no-self has been nothing like Eckhart described it in any way shape or form.
Some people would say this is a great place to be, I'm not sure anymore.
The bottom just seemed to fall out of life for a while.

Perhaps full understanding has not been reached.

I wonder why upon seeing no-self, although there was relief, total freedom has not been reached. If there was total freedom I would not still be bound by emotional energy and old patterns.

Ralph
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Ralph » Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:43 am

Midnight wrote :
I wonder why upon seeing no-self, although there was relief, total freedom has not been reached. If there was total freedom I would not still be bound by emotional energy and old patterns.
Yes, your natural state is total freedom but who you are being is not. The question is how much of your egoic state of consciousness remains after these insights you had. You need to walk through them (by looking within) and see what is still in the way of the freedom you seek. It would be wonderful if it can be done in one gigantic swoop but unfortunately, for most, this is a gradual process that takes time. There are many more insights to come. :wink:

Quoting Nisargadatta:

“You seem to want instant insight, forgetting that the instant is always preceded by a long preparation. The fruit falls suddenly, but the ripening takes time.”

enigma
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by enigma » Thu Feb 24, 2011 7:43 am

I wonder why upon seeing no-self, although there was relief, total freedom has not been reached. If there was total freedom I would not still be bound by emotional energy and old patterns
I know it sounds cliche, but who is this "I" who still feels bound if it is seen that there is no self? Why have you not lost interest in this imaginary creature and it's old patterns and emotional energy?

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Midnight
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Midnight » Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:38 pm

Haha, its hilarious in a way, it all seems so ridiculous, I keep looking inwardly and there's noone there, just THAT, yet my mind keeps saying "I want" "I will go and do.." these thoughts are much weaker than before, but the 'I' thought still seems to be hanging out there.

@ Enigma - I suppose just attachment to the mind from years of conditioning? There is much less of a desire to create an identity out of past and future now, but still when I'm lying in bed at night the mind starts talking incessantly as opposed to being quiet during the day. I guess there is nothing more to do than keep looking inward and maybe even identify those thought processes that still hook me in.

@ Ralph - That's a great quote, I love Maharaj, I AM THAT is a favourite. Thanks for your words.

Plorel
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Plorel » Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:02 pm

Thing is, I don't really know what or who I am anymore, like I said, this recognition of no-self has been nothing like Eckhart described it in any way shape or form. Some people would say this is a great place to be, I'm not sure anymore.
The bottom just seemed to fall out of life for a while.
I guess the 'problem' with Eckhart is that he only describes the destination and sort of forgets the way he got there (the years of depression to the point of possible suicide).
I wonder how in the beginning the recognition of no-self could not be disrupting and disturbing to some degree. After all everything you thought you were is wrested away , all sense of social belonging is deemed obsolet and one`s carefully build up image is seen to be a complete fallacy. In face of the sudden meaninglessness of life and futility of striving is it not natural that mind in the beginning reacts with resistance or even depression? I guess the fastest way through it is by letting go into the process since it is irreversible anyway.
Who am I without my story?

Ralph
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Ralph » Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:26 am

Midnight wrote:
Haha, its hilarious in a way, it all seems so ridiculous, I keep looking inwardly and there's noone there, just THAT, yet my mind keeps saying "I want" "I will go and do.." these thoughts are much weaker than before, but the 'I' thought still seems to be hanging out there.
I suggest you keep shining the light of Awareness on this "I" thought that does a great job in identifying itself as you.

Which you is the real you? :roll:

Helen the Mellon
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Re: This one fear sticks

Post by Helen the Mellon » Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:17 am

I don't know how long ago you had your shift, but if it's continuing then be sure to hold on to it and not be distracted into old habits or worries. Do you have a "painbody" that worries about being boring? When I had a shift, I found that I was far less boring than usual, because all these imaginative and right things just popped into my head. For instance, instead of previously where I might have avoided giong to a social situation, worrying I'd be boring or have nothing to talk about, during my shift I could have confidently gone anywhere, riden on through and be sure of coming out at the end with a load of phone numbers having entertained everybody - with talk somehow just suited to specific people, and somehow spot on. How could the intelligence that is the lifeforce of everything ever be boring? That will shine through you to everyone you meet. (Shame I switched back and am currently nervous of even going to check out a mediation class) :roll: It sounds like "boring" is a thought totally connected to the mind and the non-enlightened self. I'd be careful about giving the concept too much credence as it sounds to me like it's trying to drag you back. What is "boring" but the judgement of someone who isn't interested in the same things you are, and awakening gives you more interest in everything.

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