Ultimately, I have formed a belief that a state at which there is no need for practice is perhaps possible and optimal, I also accept my current state is not that state. This next simply must be expressed in the comical formulation of ndspeak: that belief is treated about as seriously from this perspective as any other belief held within it these days.
Ok. But there already is no need to practice being what you already are. You're practicing because you want to practice. So, if there is intention to understand the dynamics of your practice, how its totally ineffectual to becoming something that you actually already are, the possibility to transcend the mind state brought about through the practice can "happen".
I say sorry for all the stupid stuff I’ve done and ask for the courage, strength and wisdom to lead the rest of my sorry-ass existence, what is left of it, as best I can.
Please, for yourself, stop apologizing. There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm not saying to never apologize again, or that saying sorry is against the rules, I'm just saying, you seem to believe that certain things which did happen should not have happened, that if you could go back in time and change things, that you would. That needs to be looked at. (its delusional)
Lately, at Sighclone Andy’s suggesting, I’ve also ended the prayer with a plea for whatever will wake me up. It is really really funny to notice how scary a plea this is to make. Hey Jason: give me one of those “99%’r” baseball caps you’re getting made up for us .. ‘k?
LOL no problem.
Watching the thinker has evolved into a more generalized watching and has flipped on itself. While I still watch for recursive thinking (a thought which was evoked by another thought, which can lead to yet another though evoked by that thought: “I’m hungry … I haven’t done the shopping … they started roadwork at the exit to the street with the best grocery … there are lots of guys on the construction crew who never seem to be doing anything as I drive by … my taxes are too high …), since this happens less and less I watch for other things: judgments not necessary to daily function, any hint of negative emotion, sneaky, sympathetic false-identification which plays to compassion, any “resting” of the mind on any sort of point which results in external fulfillment (this is the hardest so far!) … very long list here.
Its monkey mind syndrome, in itself not indicative of a particular delusion, but the conditioned nature of mind and thinking. I think many delusional minds think they can transcend their own "conditionednessness". I also think, the "mind state of no mind" leads to the mental tendency to think that all thought has to be "lively, deep, and profound". This is probably a result from stupid ass guru's with surface level understandings of thought mechanics talking about their blinged out mind states. This is why I would focus less on a given mind state, and more on the dynamics at the root.
By flipped on itself what I mean is that I also maintain a positive watch for a felt sense of oneness with being, and the constant lapse of this watch is a pointer in and of itself. I’ve just had to accept the vast potential for self-delusion on this point, and while this is perhaps the most useful watching, it is also the most “dangerous” in a way, in that one can never be certain of the pointers.
Hmm. This sounds like a classical seeking dynamic. A "positive watch" sounds like the mind believing that it can recognize that which is beyond mental recognition. The mind can interpret experience, can interpret bliss, feelings of oneness, and its own absence, but the interpretation is by nature delusional, because it presumes a certain someone was in a certain state. Moreover, the "positive watch" is more than likely to "end the state being sought" because of the eagerness to interpret what's been found (nothing), so that it can be found again(which it cant).
Turn your positive watch into a negative watch. Next time you have a felt oneness with being, do whatever you can to end the experience. Eventually, there will be nothing you can do to end the experience because oneness is not an experience. Big league advice there.
3) Go skiing. Go on a hike to the lake, a run around the trails and dive in.
I'm a tree hugger too. And, some experiences are fun, although this probably has more to do with the absence of the tendency to exert personal control than the presence of a certain someone doing a certain something. That just something which appears to be happening from no time to no time.
4) Intellectual seeking. This is a great way to tame the constant search and longing for more, more and ever ever more … think of it as directing an out of control fire-hose down a big wide drain instead of letting it flail all over the place doing random damage to whatever it would hit. Favorite subjects continue to be science and history and I’ve started leaning toward philosophy and have a sincere desire to re-kindle an academic-level study of higher mathematics. What I’ve heard said about Sanskrit is rather tantalizing.
Youre definitely really smart. My guess is you would take naturally to use of algorithms to reverse engineer unconscious tendencies which you yourself not only wanted to form, but are choosing, albeit unconsciouly, to keep in place. Once you get some foundational algorithms, and know what to look for, "spot checking" happens by itself. The big ones are, the tendency to repress, tendency to expect, tendency to seek a sense of self in past/future, tendency to avoid emotional pain, tendency to suppress desire, things like this. These are the ways you "avoid being lucid", which for one reason or another, is precisely what you want to be doing. So its less about figuring out how to be lucid, and more about figuring out why a certain someone doesnt want to be.
Also, awakening is sometimes called self regulating. Some folks seem to desire to maintain some semblance of psychic stability, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a way youre brainwashing yourself, which most people dont understand because they arent awakening but stacking delusions, hehe. Theres no rush, nowhere to get, and nothing in this for you.