Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

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Midnight
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Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Midnight » Thu Sep 08, 2011 9:30 pm

Hello all,

I'd quite like the 'me' back please..

Sure it seemed quite bleak, made me feel depressed, but atleast I was normal, had normal emotions, had a sense of being something or some'one'.

I could relate to others well then. Maybe alot of this relating was ego based, but who gives?

When I had a 'me' I knew my world as something familiar, now all seems alien.

When I had a 'me' I had a stream of thought. Sure, maybe this was insanely loud at times, but atleast I could come up with ideas and such, and function quite efficiently. Now there's just a blank emptiness. The only thoughts that appear do so very quietly and in a hazy way. Familiar sights and smells seem strange and different, like nothings real.

When I had a 'me' there was hope for a better future. Sure, maybe this was ultimately hollow, but my god does it feel uncomfortable now. It feels as though I'm trapped in this moment.






Are you sure you want to get rid of your 'me'? I don't even know what's going on anymore.

:?

EternalPrize
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by EternalPrize » Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:53 pm

Enlightenment isn't always rosy. I've dealt with quite a few of the things you are talking about as well, which is why I feel a lot of fear about going further. It is hard when all the things that motivate me, even motivate me to wake up, are seen as phantoms. I can feel the way my heart and energy system are attached to them, and without them, I don't even feel like I have some joyful, spontaneous personality I can fall into.

My guess is that your system is still just embodying awakening. You are probably still tangled within the ego in some ways (not that I know what I'm talking about), which makes it all more awkward and jumbled rather than the sudden realization, "WOW! None of that even matters!"

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Elle
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Elle » Fri Sep 09, 2011 1:54 am

I asked myself the same thing. I remember the pain and agony I felt when it hit me that I was truly not who I believed I was, the night I realized I had an identity crisis, I was shaking, I wanted to vomit, my heart was racing I wanted to faint, I cried from a place I didn't know even existed... this went on for days. I did not know how to cope, I felt like at any moment I could float away, I didn't know how or wat to feel, I would look at my son and cry because i would think "I am not your mother", I cried when my parents came to visit because all I could think was "I am not your daughter".. I didn't know which way to turn but all I could do was keep digging, things came up that I thought I had gotten over, emotions surfaced and it hurt like hell. I had to function in my everyday life somehow but I had this anguish and turmoil erupting on the inside... I was convinced something was wrong with me, went to the ER because I was aware of my heartbeat and it freaked me out, they thought I was crazy. This is truly a process and for some it happens quicker than for others. I am grateful for online communities such as this because it helps to see how similar our journey's to awakening are...

SirNikalot
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by SirNikalot » Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:33 am

I think after experiencing your true self you find yourself relating to others in a different way. Certain interaction with people may just seem less appealing. You may find yourself not caring about other people's dramas, pain, gossip, or self-righteous political/philosophical views. Adya briefly talked about it in his most recent radio broadcast. He briefly mentioned how you may find yourself getting farther apart from certain people, but getting closer to other people as well.

But if you really want to go back to your old self its really not that difficult. Just start thinking that your a person separate from the world. Start thinking you need something like money, a car, or a girlfriend to make you happy and fulfilled. And lastly really believe that your unique because of your situation. I mean really believe that you are a person, with a certain situation (could be either good or bad), that it truly defines you, and makes you separate from everybody else. You'll find yourself in a world of delusion in no time!

Deep down though, I don't believe you want that if you really have tasted truth, which I do believe you have. Just keep at it. Its been said by many people on these forums that awakening can take roughly 5 years to become integrated into life. Don't settle for delusion, stay with the truth, its who you really are anyway. You'll find much more comfort in truth than anything else in the world.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:48 am

No need to fret too much on the missing 'me'. It would seem by your post that it's still there, alive and well. It may have taken an unfamiliar form, but it's certainly not gone. Consider, who or what but a me could be so concerned about losing its imaginary self. The truth of life is not so disconcerting.

To regain that me you miss, or one that is acceptable, put down the books on awakening and turn on the tube - immerse yourself in some sitcoms or imaginary dramas. Or get into some good ole political debates, that's always a good way to bring out some well worn opinions that 'me' created in days gone by. Another good way is to make some judgments about the people you know. Surely someone must have done something to piss you off that you could endlessly role around in your mind making your position more justified with each turn. Just don't look for the bigger picture as it will surely get in the way.

In the end it won't matter a whole lot. Just treat the people you meet well in the meantime so as to add a little good will to the atmosphere of life. Maybe somewhere down the road, understanding the true nature of being will call out to you once again and it will be clearer to you than it is now. Best wishes.

WW

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far_eastofwest
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by far_eastofwest » Fri Sep 09, 2011 2:41 pm

you have 'me'
but there aint nothing there?
i think (but i'm no expert) its not about finding someone else or something else to focus on, ie, stuff like relationships, jobs, status, hobbies or zoning out activities like tv, video games, computer stuff
the thing that is alien is being yourself without relying on outside stuff to give you the feel good feeling
the mind (i really don't care what others think on this) should be active, with ideas, imagination etc. its the useless what if/should/shouldn't have running thoughts which don't do anything positive.
The ego in my opinion should be doing its bit, in a nice little way, not big controlling way. Keeps us from dribbling saliva down our unwashed chins onto our sack cloth garments from which protude hairy legs with fungus infested curled over toe nails.... Like the song from the seventies... ego is not a dirty word (skyhooks), its a bad thing when its in control, like fire, a good servant but a bad master.

Hope for the future..... Great or simply ok things don't just land on your door step while you live in the moment. Planning and organising come into play. (sometimes they do land on your doorstep.... gotta make sure you're home though).
Of course its the Outcome thats not controllable, if you let go of the outcome when you do your planning its a real good start. Plan for a better tomorrow... but it it doesn't turn out that way, its no loss, just enjoy what there is. Then plan again. This living in the moment is all very well in theory for childless hermits. Reality is life is full of Other People and other people certainly add color to life. And responsibility if you have young ones that need to be raised, provided for and nurtured.

maybe have a bit of look at your 'me'. think back to what 'me' used to enjoy doing as a kid.... science buff... social kid playing footy.... quiet growing flowers... breeding birds... whatever. Thats the real Old Me. Maybe build on that for a better future and a fresh start to life.

and if you have a bit of spare time, think about having a listen to walden by henry thoreau, its on mp3 at booksshouldbefree.com
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

unbornawakened
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by unbornawakened » Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:55 pm

From Castaneda (Active Side of Infinity):

The grand trick of those sorcerers of ancient times was to
burden the flyers' mind with discipline. They found out that if they
taxed the flyers' mind with inner silence, the foreign installation
would flee, giving to any one of the practitioners involved in this
maneuver the total certainty of the mind's foreign origin. The foreign
installation comes back, I assure you, but not as strong, and a
process begins in which the fleeing of the flyers' mind becomes
routine, until one day it flees permanently. A sad day indeed! That's
the day when you have to rely on your own devices, which are nearly
zero. There's no one to tell you what to do. There's no mind of
foreign origin to dictate the imbecilities you're accustomed to.


My teacher, the nagual Julian, used to warn all his disciples
that this was the toughest day in a sorcerer's life, for the real mind
that belongs to us, the sum total of our experience, after a lifetime
of domination has been rendered shy, insecure, and shifty. Personally,
I would say that the real battle of sorcerers begins at that moment.
The rest is merely preparation.
Discipline taxes the foreign mind no end, so, through their
discipline, sorcerers vanquish the foreign installation.
I am going to give the flyers' mind, which you carry inside you,
one more jolt. I am going to reveal to you one of the most
extraordinary secrets of sorcery. I am going to describe to you a
finding that took sorcerers thousands of years to verify and
consolidate.
The flyers' mind flees forever when a sorcerer succeeds in
grabbing on to the vibrating force that holds us together as a
conglomerate of energy fields. If a sorcerer maintains that pressure
long enough, the flyers' mind flees in defeat. And that's exactly what
you are going to do: hold on to the energy that binds you together.

Midnight wrote:Hello all,

I'd quite like the 'me' back please..

:?

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Elle
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Elle » Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:24 am

unbornawakened wrote:From Castaneda (Active Side of Infinity):

The grand trick of those sorcerers of ancient times was to
burden the flyers' mind with discipline. They found out that if they
taxed the flyers' mind with inner silence, the foreign installation
would flee, giving to any one of the practitioners involved in this
maneuver the total certainty of the mind's foreign origin. The foreign
installation comes back, I assure you, but not as strong, and a
process begins in which the fleeing of the flyers' mind becomes
routine, until one day it flees permanently. A sad day indeed! That's
the day when you have to rely on your own devices, which are nearly
zero. There's no one to tell you what to do. There's no mind of
foreign origin to dictate the imbecilities you're accustomed to.


My teacher, the nagual Julian, used to warn all his disciples
that this was the toughest day in a sorcerer's life, for the real mind
that belongs to us, the sum total of our experience, after a lifetime
of domination has been rendered shy, insecure, and shifty. Personally,
I would say that the real battle of sorcerers begins at that moment.
The rest is merely preparation.
Discipline taxes the foreign mind no end, so, through their
discipline, sorcerers vanquish the foreign installation.
I am going to give the flyers' mind, which you carry inside you,
one more jolt. I am going to reveal to you one of the most
extraordinary secrets of sorcery. I am going to describe to you a
finding that took sorcerers thousands of years to verify and
consolidate.
The flyers' mind flees forever when a sorcerer succeeds in
grabbing on to the vibrating force that holds us together as a
conglomerate of energy fields. If a sorcerer maintains that pressure
long enough, the flyers' mind flees in defeat. And that's exactly what
you are going to do: hold on to the energy that binds you together.

Wow! This sums up everything I have been trying to out into words. The initial entry into the dark night was tough but after all was said and done and I had a second realization that not only was I not who I thought I was but dammit I have to now live as this authentic human being, I didn't have an instruction manual, I didn't think i had the tools to know what was best for me.I felt more lost then than ever. I had no faith in my seemingly calcified internal compass for navigating life, it was at that moment that I was sad that no one could save me because I sure as hell didn't know or remember how to save myself...

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Sep 10, 2011 1:03 am

Hi midnight, forgive me here a moment - remember I am a loving and compassionate person at heart :wink: remember that I am also honest, remember honesty is the highest form of love.

When I first read this OP I 'felt' like.. oh puhhhlease... what is it that you were biatching about then that you're not biatching about now that you're missing biatching about? Cos you still are biatching - resisting, making an enemy, obstacle, means to an end of (to your happiness).

... those 15 seconds passed and I let it settle and let the energy of the universe take me.

So when I sat down at my computer this morning, I find open on my desk Wisdom of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. I flick through a few pages and find this -
What is Enlightenment? "Enlightenment is not an attainment Dan; it is a Real-ization. And when you wake up everything changes and nothing changes. If a blind man realizes that he can see, has the world changed?.."
"First mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers. Then mountains are no longer mountains and rivers are no longer rivers. Finally, mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers.
... After enlightenment we still need to take out the trash and do the laundry. Ram Dass once said: "We can be floating in cosmic bliss and still be responsible for remembering our postal code." The parade of feelings and thoughts and human relations continue, but with a diferent vision of the world and that makes all the difference.

When I was trying to pin Socrates down on a definition of enlightenment he said, "Here's one: Imagine alternating between the heights of bliss and the depths of sorrow at the speed of light."
... In moments of illumination problems still exist, but we have a different relationship to them; they're no longer the foreground of our lives, only natural challenges like fallen trees on the mountain path; as we climb over them, we sniff the air, breathe deeply and notice the sunlight shimmering in the leaves. Our attention has risen to see beauty where before we saw only the swirling contents of our own mind. We now find blessings in (doing) small acts of kindness, and make the best of this life, this world, in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. Our eyes are focussed on the bigger picture; our heads are in the clouds and our feet on solid ground. This moment may be all there is, but this moment is enough.
I don't know if you're 'stuck' in the bit where a mountain is no longer a mountain midnight, but you're not noticing that you are still making an enemy, obstacle, means to an end of a thing - and that thing (at the moment) is enlightenment. You sound tempted to become blind again rather than continuing the journey with knowledge of love and awareness and response-ability for your thoughts, deeds, actions. No choice is wrong... but to move forward you need to find/employ both courage and love. This from a few pages before the above in Millman's book -
(Socrates says to Dan " You haven't yet opened your heart fully, to life, to each moment.
The peaceful warrior's way is not about invulnerability, but absolute vulnerability - to the world, to life... A warrior's life is not about imagined perfection or victory; it is about love..."
..."Love is not something to be understood, it can only be lived."
...it took me years to realize that a warriors love is not merely a feeling, but an action. I cannot control whether I feel loving (or grateful, or kind) in any given moment, but I can behave with loving kindness. Thus, bringing love into the world is not about waiting for the right mood or emoton to emerge, but rather entails deliberate, expansive acts of generosity we can call forth at will.
Midnight if you want a lighted path out of the darkness - shine love on it.
Don't wait for love to come and find and rescue you.
Be love.
hugs
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

letitgo
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by letitgo » Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:10 am

Hello Midnight,
I certainly do sympathize. ET says that confusion is good, and your feelings at this time are certainly a good example of “good” confusion. A sign that you’re doing something right. For now, I’m sure it doesn’t feel right, but do you remember the story of the king who was miserable? He offered any amount of money to a wise man to make him happy and the wise man made him a ring. On the ring was inscribed, “this too will pass”. (That’s the simplified version).

One thing I would like to offer is that after this window of empty space and seeming pointlessness, there comes a time of inexplicable support for your heart’s desires. Opportunities and situations and relationships seem to serendipitously appear out of nowhere. Also, don’t feel like you have to keep to the straight-and-narrow path here. It’s happening. Go have some fun.

Hello Elle,
My wife too, had to go to the emergency room due to a pounding heart. I think it’s always good to get these things checked out, but it was the release of old emotions and they dissipated over a period of about a week without medication. Occasionally, she would know the exact emotion she was dealing with, but other times it would be very upsetting because a feeling would pop up during an anxiety attach, (for lack of a better term), that she hadn’t felt or thought of in years.
My suggestion and the suggestion of my beloved would be to do “whatever” eases your pain at the moment. Breathe, sleep, take a walk, work out, call someone, blog, etc. And not to sound redundant, but in these crisis situations - and that’s what it feels like, a crisis - remember, “this too shall pass.

Hope that helps a bit, Norm
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

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mistral
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by mistral » Sat Sep 10, 2011 3:13 am

I think your 'me' is doing just fine, its' just pretending to be 'detached' or something that has nothing to do with Truth and Light and Life and Understanding ---

Listen--- The wonder and the Joy and Grace of Truth and Light is not a sense of detachment and dullness---no, when you really understand, when this Wonder really finds you, and when you really start to Live It---oh my, it is wonderful, it is marvelous, it is healing and helpful to others, and to our world.

Here is how or what you should be looking for signs and wonders of; When you really get it, You will find your self fully engaged, fully alive, totally eager and in Love with Life. You will find your Heart fully engaged with Life and Understanding the reasons why things are the way they are in the world. Oh yes, Truly truly, its more like you are are born again, not dead :lol: but Alive, full, rich, deeper and More, not less.

Here, really, it won't be anything like you are thinking it is. You will find Your Self and you will recognize It is the Self you have always been---and the Joy that will fill your Life is as if you have broken through the fog and the day is clear and bright and blue sky and birds singing---Oh really, nothing like you describe---

Please, just give up this struggle to be something your not---and Be the Joy and Laughter and Liberation You Really Are---

Don't worry---I tell you there is a Real Self and it is You!! Its a huge Wow! Dear God, you will say, Thank You, Thank You! I had no idea I got be ME! Really be My Self! Wow! It's Glory! pure and real---and It continues to unfold, It is the Adventure of Wonder and Beauty and Grace, and You will grow, grow deeper and fuller and richer and ---oh yes, there is more and more to this --- not less, not less at all--

But You will Find Your Self, and you will lose nothing, nothing.

Please hear this; You will find yourself doing more in the world, not less. You will find that this Self you are uncovering is Unbound and Unlimited and Free and Fearless and Spirited and Uniquely YOU---

Oh, My Dear Child Heart, you will Live Again, right here the world and this time, slowly like a Rose in blooming gently open, little by little, without ripping the bud open---with time, and Trust, and Light, and Heart and that Inner Knowing of your Real Self--- You will become fully capable and tender and caring and doing what you are here to do, for yourself and for others---you will a feeling of Delight and Beauty about you that you will recognize as Who You Are. No, no, Self Discovery is not about who you are not--- The Living Truth is Here and Now It has nothing to do with who you are are not---It is All About Who You Are. This is Joy of the Mountain Again. Rebirth, resurrected, You and your Spirit alive and New as the Child of God--the one you were before the human world experience told you who you were 'supposed to be'---Now you are uncovering The Real Self, Your Identity from the beginning, the Child with the Divine DNA you were given by Grace in the first place, before you got all the concepts and beliefs layered on top of Your Real Identity. Its not about getting rid of anything, it is about recognizing Who You Really Are.

You are mis-interpreting the readings and the study and you have it wrong---So get back to just being yourself and I bet you will see How Truly wonderful Life is when you do that--- Come closer to You, Its within your Heart, get closer to your Heart and Soul and That Which is Divine Within You.

Much Love to you, Mistral

alex
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by alex » Sat Sep 10, 2011 3:27 am

That was beautiful Mistral!
The flyers' mind flees forever when a sorcerer succeeds in
grabbing on to the vibrating force that holds us together as a
conglomerate of energy fields. If a sorcerer maintains that pressure
long enough, the flyers' mind flees in defeat. And that's exactly what
you are going to do: hold on to the energy that binds you together.
This really resonated Midnight. Just push forward, keep resting in awareness. That vibrating force. Sure it might push you further out into fear of the unknown and not having a 'me', but what do you have to lose? You can't go backwards. Push on. One day you will recognize with great clarity, I Am That! When you begin recognizing your true self and resting as that for longer and longer all starts to come into harmony.
The truth will set you free Midnight.

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Elle
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Elle » Sat Sep 10, 2011 6:59 am

letitgo wrote:Hello Midnight,
............

Hello Elle,
My wife too, had to go to the emergency room due to a pounding heart. I think it’s always good to get these things checked out, but it was the release of old emotions and they dissipated over a period of about a week without medication. Occasionally, she would know the exact emotion she was dealing with, but other times it would be very upsetting because a feeling would pop up during an anxiety attach, (for lack of a better term), that she hadn’t felt or thought of in years.
My suggestion and the suggestion of my beloved would be to do “whatever” eases your pain at the moment. Breathe, sleep, take a walk, work out, call someone, blog, etc. And not to sound redundant, but in these crisis situations - and that’s what it feels like, a crisis - remember, “this too shall pass.

Hope that helps a bit, Norm
Thank you soooo much for this. Yes, mine too dissipated on it's on after a while, I had an EKG and all, I am 24 earthly years and all the doctors just looked at me like I was nuts!!!!! Old emotions I wouldn't release were beginning to surface and it scared me shitless, things I didn't think affected me that much when I was a child apparently had grave effects on me... It's almost as though I was using those emotions as a crutch it was/is so hard for me to let some of those things go because I truly began to identify with the pain and discomfort...

Blenderhead
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by Blenderhead » Sat Sep 10, 2011 7:43 pm

I suggest you read some Erich Fromm, according to him humans have the need for an identity. Otherwise we will become insane, even Eckhart has an identity and a sense of purpose.

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mistral
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Re: Oh hey - I'd like 'me' back please

Post by mistral » Sat Sep 10, 2011 8:43 pm

Blenderhead wrote:I suggest you read some Erich Fromm, according to him humans have the need for an identity. Otherwise we will become insane, even Eckhart has an identity and a sense of purpose.
I think he must be right-- Life Itself is Identity, Identity-I-Am Is synonymous with Awareness i.e. if I am aware, then I am, I am and awareness, presence, knowing, being, Isness are all the same thing; Identity. The Identity is not 'mine' there is Only One Identity and It is This That I Am, which 'belongs' to Godhead All. God and God's Self Awareness is what 'we' are the action of.

That and This and Isness and I Am and Awareness, which is right here perfectly aware, IS our One and Only Single Alone Identity.

There is Identity---There is nothing else but Identity. Everything we see "out there' is our Self. There Is only One Self---this is the whole point, really, is to find Our Real Identity---That Self is This Awareness right here now, it is not 'inside a body called me' all bodies are within My Self, The One Awareness I Am-- its a matter of an expanded view, untying the beliefs that say we are separate from Life or outside of God's Being, God's Awareness---We cannot be outside of Awareness.

There is no other awareness but this one right here and It is God's alone and so we are already That.

That, This, the very awareness reading the words Is God's Self Awareness Seeing and Being Its ALL Inclusive Identity, as Awareness that includes every thing as Its Own qualities and attributes---or we can say the very Isness of You and I knowing and being able to say I Am.

You know you are, therefore you are Identity.

You cannot ever lose that Identity/awareness/I Am, because It is It is All That You Are and Its not got any 'other' where or when that it can go.

Here and Now and Awareness and I Am are One Identity and if you are aware then You Are Identity Its Self. That is all that you are, you cannot be anything else, even if you tried.

Mistral

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