How can I decide whether to get married or not?

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Mariposa
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How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Tue Nov 22, 2011 8:59 pm

I just don't know what to do, and the worst part is I already said yes, the families know it's happening, we're already in the process, we have the rings.

We've lived together for a year, we have a puppy, I want to keep living with him.

I have been resistant to marriage for a couple years now (divorced parents), but we've come to a point where we need to do it so we can legalize my situation in this country and stay together, I am not from here.

I have been waiting and waiting for the answer to come to me, but I just don't know.

Last night I had a dream where I said to someone: I don't want to get married, but I'm doing in anyway.

I don't see any other option, I can't just say no, then what? Are we going to be apart? That's not what we want.

Is it only fear that is keeping me?

When I said yes and decided to do it, I just felt any doubt in me was coming from fear, and should be ignored as such. We are all afraid of some things and we know it's normal but we do them anyway.

I love him so much, I love sharing our lives together. But I am afraid of "forever"... and this word: wedlock... as if I lost my freedom, and I don't want to stay in this country either. We plan to stay here for some time, and then move to my country. Everything is SO uncertain.

Should I do it despite of all of these doubts? Or wait until they are all gone?

Please, advice me from your experience!

Thanks.

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Kutso
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Kutso » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:08 pm

Which alternative will create least suffering?
Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that.

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:12 pm

Oh, definitely getting married! :)

Thanks for that one!

I'm also reading another thread where far_eastofwest said:
There is no such thing as the 'perfect partner', its just a case of finding one who's faults/shortcomings are ok with you. Thats a huge failure in the love thing, many think the other person has to tick ALL the boxes, it just doesn't happen. In fact, i saw a show and it had a very good bit of advice, never marry anyone until you can list 10 unattractive or irritating qualities in them. If you can't do that then you are just glossing over them and idealising them. When you have the list... and think 'thats ok' then its much better.
If she reads this, thanks for that one too!

:)

magicbutterfly
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by magicbutterfly » Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:43 am

But I am afraid of "forever"... and this word: wedlock... as if I lost my freedom, and I don't want to stay in this country either.
There is no such thing as "forever". There is only Now. You are in your mind, worried about a non-existent future based on someone else's failure in the past (your parents'). It's not real. What is real is your love for your man right Now. Take it a moment (or a day) at a time. Make this moment all there is.

By the way, because you are conscious already, the chances of each moment being a success are all the better. Congratulations! :D
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:34 pm

Hey Magicbutterfly, my nickname means butterfly too! In Spanish :) aren't they lovely?

It is true that forever doesn't exist, and I know whatever I do, I can always rearrange, and deal with it when it comes, not now.

But, if we look at it from the perspective of "Take it a moment (or a day) at a time. Make this moment all there is." I guess there is no need to get married, I don't need it. Well, actually, I do, the government does, and so I need it. So you think it's okay to do it only as a practical thing that needs to be done? I never was interested in anything external such as a blessing from religion to unite me with my boyfriend, or the state, or anything. Technically, I am already there, living a married life with him, only it hasn't been labeled yet as husband and wife. If we think about those, I guess they are from the world of form and mind. Being married or not being married, doesn't really make a difference, does it? We live together, period. I have already taken the leap in that sense, and it's working well, we are a good match, we get along, we feel like a family.

So I guess, what I did, was, after months and months of talking about it, I just decided to do it. But what happened right after that, is it became a thing. Telling the parents, the brothers and sisters, the relatives. They made it into a THING, and I fell into it. The shoulds and shouldn'ts, the dress should be this way, the party should be this way, the date should be this, the rings, the details started to need defining and we don't have any money, so we started asking for help and people started sort of imposing their beliefs of what is right and wrong.

One of the biggest problems was that my boyfriend doesn't talk to his father anymore. Long story, lots of things have happened in the family, in fact, last night there was a nice pain-body activation for all of us, argument. I was completely identified with the pain-body and the ego for hours, couldn't let it go, and I am thinking maybe it was a collective one, because I hadn't felt this anger before in a long time. I am constantly watching the voice in my head labeling what people are wearing in the bus! :lol: I am here a little bit, but last night, I wasn't! Oh boy, did I get upset.

Anyway, last night wasn't even about the wedding, but most of the relatives are insisting we invite my boyfriend's father to the wedding, and the mother even said she would not attend if that was the case. The sister was ofended because he doesn't respect his mother.

So the family situation has made the wedding a nightmare. When I decided to go ahead and do it, I was coming from a practical mindset, needs to be done, let's do it. We live in a world with governments, governments set the conditions for life, I was not born here, so let's do what needs to be done so that I can do things properly and get a job. That is the practical thing.

But there is a lot of energy invested in what is supposed to be and what is right and what is wrong. People get offended if they are not invited, I want a dress that I like, tradition tells I can't get married in sweatpants, and blah blah blah. And to top it all we have very little money for this. We want to get married in a week day because it is cheaper, and we don't want to spend money on a party. My family isn't even here, not one of them.

So I guess I was ready to let go of the fear of forever, and I was taking this decision thinking about the now, but I am immerse in the pain-body or ego of this whole family that will now be my family too. The family where I come from is not perfect, but boy is this family lacking communication. My boyfriend's parents have been separated for years and years, but never got divorced, and still fight with each other within a 20 minute moment together. They don't need to live together to continue fighting, and this energy has probably set the tone for the children. One also fights with their partner constantly, the other moved to a different country, and we are, you know, here we are.

Is there ego in me as I write this words? Yes, hi ego! :lol: We can both cohabitate this body, in fact is was only the ego that needed to set the record straight, that I DO KNOW that my ego is doing most of the writing, so don't judge me and put me down for it! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Anyways, my question is: do you think Eckhart Tolle would encourage doing what we need disregarding the family's preferences? "What would Eckhart do?" :lol: Yes, he is not a moral compass, but I have been living my past few years following his guidance, and look where that got me! Closer to him! I am in the same country where he lives. But it's hard to ET by myself, when my boyfriend doesn't care for his teachings, although, in some ways we still manage to find the same realizations, such as, what he said last night "I can drop these thoughts right now". I guess Eckhart would say ask what Kutso asked:
Which alternative will create least suffering?

Yes, getting married without inviting all of the relatives, would create even more conflict, they would be offended, they would give us more sermons on what is right and what is wrong, and they would think we don't respect them, and we don't like them, and it would all be their egos, there would be no actual hurting them, because it would only be their pain-body being activated using the excuse that "my brother got married and he didn't invite me, who does he think he is?" and so on and so forth.

Now I wonder: does being a bit more aware of ego identifications mean what we should:

a) walk on eggshells making sure no-one's pain-body goes active because of my actions?

b) do whatever we need to do knowing that people will always be affected and their pain-bodies are going to be activated anyways (for whatever reason) and maybe this is what they need to go through and it is their path in life?

Am I responsible for people's feelings?? I know their ego's are LOOKING for reasons to be MAD and OFFENDED. Should I really have to make my decisions based on the possibility that they may be offended?

My boyfriend has increasingly released more and more the ability to feel compassion. I still care about people's feelings, I even care that they don't SEE me in a negative way, I don't like people thinking I am rude, but him, he really doesn't care what people think of him. I still don't know which is better. Yes, compassion is more human, communication is probably more harmonious but he feels more free than I do, I get a phone call and I feel compelled to call back to people. He doesn't care if people wait three, four days, I feel uncomfortable! I guess my compassion is not really compassion but shame of doing something wrong and will affect my image of "good girl" :lol:

Okay, I really won't stop writing, will I?

If you read this far, thank you!

omg, it's true, I don't want people to see me as inconsiderate, that's all I care about, my own image! hahaha

I read it all and it sounds like I am trying to justify something wrong.... But I still don't know if it's wrong... yes, it's wrong. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm so stupid :lol:

magicbutterfly
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by magicbutterfly » Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:58 pm

Hi Mariposa,

If it was me, I'd let the relatives organize everything except my dress and maybe the music. Let them fight it out and all you and your boyfriend have to do is show up. You're doing it for them and the government anyway. This would be my second choice.

My first choice would be to fly like a butterfly to my own country and get married there. But again, I'd let all the relatives organize everything (and pay for it) and then just show up.

If you plan on moving to your country anyway, why not do it now? Things happen, babies get born, someone gets a good job, you sign a lease on an apartment, buy a car, life interferes. I know, it happened to me.

By the way, I love Spain - it's one of my favourite countries in the world. And I used to live in ET country too.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Wed Nov 23, 2011 5:57 pm

did someone say baby?!?!?! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

:lol: :lol:

Hi Magicbutterfly! Thanks for your reply.

Well, my ego is a little stronger than that, I don't want other people to make decisions, it's my wedding! <<<ego right there>>>

And yes, I would like to get married in my country, with my family who I have harmony with, but the problem is all about money (don't get me started on how suicidal money seems to make my boyfriend). He needs a job first, we have nowhere to stay, we need to save money, he has a student loan to finish paying, he still doesn't speak Spanish, why did I get myself in this MESS?????????? It's so complex, immigration laws, paperwork, and we barely have the money to pay for those. I already had to surrender my desire to be back at home, and I'm staying here for longer and longer than I thought.

I feel defeated by this. I feel I was too impulsive and stupid, didn't think this through and now I can't go back in time. I just wanted a boyfriend and ended up having to deal with immigration and all of these life changing decisions.

:?

Plorel
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Plorel » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:46 pm

I don't know much about getting married and such things, but I do know that whatever you do, you cannot do it wrong. :)
Who am I without my story?

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:45 pm

Hmm, thanks Plorel.

Pako Chubi
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Pako Chubi » Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:49 pm

If the answer don't come, then you need more "time" to get the answer... you need time to learn things, time to do stuff, and you may need time to get an answer to some problem. And It would be good if you make this clear to your boyfriend, tell him that you don't know the answer yet and that you need some time to get the right answer. Be patient, and encourage him to be patient too.
It also can happen that you get clarity suddenly, but you cannot look for that sudden clarity moment. It comes with presence and allowing your state of not-knowing.
The mind is always in a rush to get answers and solve problems,but all situations take their time to be solved (except situations of danger where inmediate action is needed)
And it's quite important that you have some awareness of your emotions, your divided mind opinions, fears, projections, etc.
That will give you the space to think with more clarity.
But don't forget to keep on with your stuff meanwhile!! haha keep on singing, painting, going for walks, or doing anything you like to do... the answer will come from that space, not from YOURSELF, but from the source of your being :)

bueno te mando un abrazo mariposa jaja estamos hablando :mrgreen:

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heidi
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by heidi » Sat Nov 26, 2011 7:38 pm

Life is what happens while you're making other plans. Go for it! :mrgreen:
Heidi
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wonderment on the third wave

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:08 pm

Hey Pako! Thanks so much for your words :)

I already talked to my sweet bf and he's very understanding, but I still feel kind of guilty... abrazo! :)

And Heidi, are you suggesing to go for it? get married? :o just like that? :shock: :oops: :?: :|

Doesn't feel right yet, but thanks! :)

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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by heidi » Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:29 am

Maybe ask yourself what makes it not feel right. From what I read, You love the guy, you want to have a family, yes? It's a no brainer.
I love him so much, I love sharing our lives together. But I am afraid of "forever"
There is no forever; enjoy what you have, leap and the net will appear. And have fun.
And if it doesn't work out, you've had a great lesson.
Lots of love,
Heidi
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wonderment on the third wave

Mariposa
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Re: How can I decide whether to get married or not?

Post by Mariposa » Sun Nov 27, 2011 7:13 am

Alright, fine! :lol:

But... but... but...

Okay, I guess it won't HURT... :P

Thanks for the encouragement Heidi!

Peace.

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