Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

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Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby I-surrender » Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:47 pm

Namaste,

I am glad I found this forum and will visit it regularly... Have read Eckhart Tolle's books and have found great peace but I still have so much pain about one issue in my life... Please read and help me transcend this state.

I am 26 year old female. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from age 18-25 (i.e. for 7 years)... I carried on with a shattered soul with the hope that he will change But he never did. Anyhow, I continued with the relationship with hope and belief that life will be good to me one day.

Twist in story - I had remained 100% loyal to him till I met a guy in 11 months back. He was a colleague from a different city. We worked together only for a week and I started developing feelings for him. He left the city, but I had fallen in love with him... Never in past 7 years I had ever thought about another guy in my life!!! Once I developed feelings, I could not lie to my then bf and explained him that I have had enough of abuse and I have lost all feelings for him and I was just dragging the relationship. I told him that I like someone else and I cannot develop feelings for him again or continue the relationship. After a huge drama, we parted - and I am so happy about it. I should have done that long ago (I think God wanted me to fall for this particular guy, hence the delay :)... I am an optimist, you see...!!!)

(I did not leave my ex for him... I left him since I lost my feelings after I met this guy and I can never lie to anyone...and continue a fake relationship.).

Ok. I knew very well that this guy liked my company. But he didn't have any feelings for me. Yet, I confessed my feelings one day via SMS. (he went back to his workplace and we have never met since then). I used to sms and he used to reply and chat in texts sometimes... normal stuff. But after I confessed, he politely refused by stating bad timing etc etc. And soon after that day he changed completely. He stopped replying to me and behaved mean and rude when I texted him asking him to speak to me. He said he felt guilty and will not remain a friend anymore. He texted in caps - to not to bother him anymore. I was completely devastated.

Anyway, I continued texting occassionaly and mailed him sometimes... He rarely replied. I donot know why, I bared everything about me to him in my mails... I was a very proud girl who never revealed my abused past or any other sorrow to anyone... but I mailed everything to him stating I felt comfortable around him, and confiding in him. He never replied yet I poured my heart to him almost every alternate day... I irritated him by my long mails every now and then. I spilled out darkest side of me during that painful position (sad past and awful rejection by the new guy... and complete ignorance of my existence was just unbearable)

Finally, he added me if Facebook, but never repled to my chats. Not even to hi, hello...

I cry everyday... even after 11 months. I love him so much. And I donot want to possess him or anything... I just wish to stay in touch with him... to speak to him sometimes but he is so indiffrerent. He won't agree to that and rather hurt me more by being rude and mean to me, even if he ever replies (very very rare).

Why did I do to deserve this? I just loved him and confessed it. I was ok with rejection too but why did he stop talking to me... I feel so sad...I un-friended him on FB 3 days back... I wish to let go. I wish to let go all hope... But the only question that stops me is - why me? Why? What was my mistake? I love him so much... I want him to understand me... But I have decided not to mail him anymore... I try not to think about him. I donot know...

Life must have some better plans for me. Maybe he was my angel to save me from an abusive relationship, but why did this have to end so bad? Why?

Please help me and guide me...
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby samarpana » Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:29 pm

Well now, you seem fragile on the point about relationships right now. May be time for you to get to know you, outside of a relationship? Something to think about.
I am answering you because I was once saved from a long term abusive relationship, by falling madly in love with another.
I focused on my feelings I had, though not on the guy! I played the music I enjoyed at the time, that brought up loving feelings, and sang alot, wrote poetry, journaled, got to know my new self that felt " really in love!. I used the love I was graced with ,wisely. I was inspired to go back to school, painted 2 great colorful paintings! I realized that it is not the person that is meaningful, it is the feeling itself, which may be for you as it was for me, grace from a higher source, that was bridge to a new life, and a new way of connecting to my life around me.
At this point, I must thank the higher spirit for granting me the love \i felt at the time, for it did change my life. Thank you spirit for the love that came to me.

Enjoy the feeling of being in love, without manipulating, or trying to manipulate men.
Having the feeling of love is a positive, and can deepen your experience of life, by you allowing to just enjoy the feeling , of the pain and joy love inspires!
Expressing your intelligent feelings in art, caring for others in need, being their for a girlfriend, writing, painting, knitting, and even praying. You are beautiful with or with out a man.
As you accept yourself , and get to understand yourself, you can then learn that others are not objects, and have feelings just like you.
Every one feels love, and that love is what moves the world.
Sue
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby Pennee101 » Tue Jan 15, 2013 6:39 am

The Course in Miracles says that relationships never end they just change form. The love that stays is real. I agree, hold on to the love but you can spread it on yourself and every person you meet. That way it is true love, not the conditional love that is sometimes brought about in relationships.

You can do a meditation and feel the feeling of love then bring that love into you. I used to imagine a puppy of mine and looking into her face and I would get this great feeling of love and then I would bring that love into my body. Now I can just settle myself and feel love and feel it grow outwards and I send it to people and to communities and even countries.

One person is not going to make you happy. Learning to live in the present and letting your ego thoughts die as they arise is going to make you happy. I know it might be hard to believe this at your age but it is true. An ego thought is "I will never be happy without this person in my life." Remember the ego wants us ultimately to suffer. That is not a good thought and it does not lead to peace. And setting yourself up for so many rejections is the ego's way of hurting you too. You can instead sit still and feel the pain, without attaching any thoughts to it. Really feel it so it can dissolve by itself. You might feel it in your stomach.

You will be OK. Maybe you can read one of Eckhart's books again or just pick it up and open to a page and see what you find.

Peace be with you,

Pennee
The Holiest site on Earth is where an Ancient hatred has become a present Love. TCIM
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby I-surrender » Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:30 pm

samarpana wrote:Having the feeling of love is a positive, and can deepen your experience of life, by you allowing to just enjoy the feeling , of the pain and joy love inspires!
Expressing your intelligent feelings in art, caring for others in need, being their for a girlfriend, writing, painting, knitting, and even praying. You are beautiful with or with out a man."
"

Thanks for your reply... It helped me a lot. I try to remain present... but there are times when I just remember him so much... There are times I do not like anything at all... Do not speak much to others, even loved ones and friends. I have no interest in romantic relationship too. This feeling is only directed towards him. But I am helpless anyway, since he never responds. Is there anything you think will help me when I become so passive in life and stay quiet and morose... as if my life is nothing but a mess... whereas deep inside I know, this is not what life is about... Life means a lot to me and I never think I am worthless, yet I get weird low feelings sometimes...

I have surrendered all my hopes and expectations...!!! I have begun writing, my interest and passion. I hang around with cousins. This keeps me happy, but isn't this escapism...???
Last edited by I-surrender on Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby I-surrender » Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:39 pm

Pennee101 wrote:The Course in Miracles says that relationships never end they just change form. The love that stays is real. I agree, hold on to the love but you can spread it on yourself and every person you meet. That way it is true love, not the conditional love that is sometimes brought about in relationships."
"

I found this very interesting... Can you please elaborate this "relationships never end they just change form"...
Currently, I am still holding on to my love feelings... no expectations, no hope... nothing at all. But I am not able to spread it on myself or on others... I am trying but I myself discontent at times.

Pennee101 wrote:""One person is not going to make you happy."

I completely agree and know this... But you know it... EGO, it still controls me to some extent. I wonder and question myself - what did I do that he had to treat me so bad just because I confessed???? I do not feel sad now but I just wonder. He will never answer me... do you think Life will answer my question someday... Or should I just forget about it???
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby far_eastofwest » Mon Jan 21, 2013 11:40 pm

I could write a long and intricate post but I can guarantee you won't like it and it will hurt your feelings, so I will just write a short one.
You may not think you are worthless, but its how you Feel that is more the case, and how you get your feelings of worth, ie, from outside sources that are not dependable at all!

Get onto ebay or amazon or any secondhand online bookseller and grab yourself a copy of
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Its an older book, but quite a gem. It most likely will explain everything, maybe even your whole life. May well be the best $10 or $20 you have and ever will spend.
good luck
:-)
ps, with the spiritual growth teachings, sometimes it pays to do a bit of housekeeping first, ie, see a counsellor, read self help book (like one above) and get to the base of what is going on in a practical way. Kinda like going to Ikea to get lovely home furnishings and decorations, no good if your house is full of mould, roaches and mouse droppings!
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby I-surrender » Tue Jan 22, 2013 7:58 am

far_eastofwest wrote:I could write a long and intricate post but I can guarantee you won't like it and it will hurt your feelings, so I will just write a short one.


Please do... I am more than willing to hear anything you have to say. I think i can listen to facts and truths.

I have seen a counselor and have read Louise Hay's self help books.

I do not feel worthless at all. I do not have to prove it but i will state few examples - I earn very well for a 26 years old, but I do not spend on clothes, make up or any material things... I do not wax or thread my body hair... I love myself the way God has created me. I have 2 buck teeth - but I have never put braces only and only because I love the way they are, despite constant reminders by others. They say I will look better if they are pushed in - but I have accepted my slightly protruded teeth as they are, they have never affected my eating or smiling. I do not relate myself with my educational qualifications, or my job, or my family background, or my partners... I do not judge anyone on the basis of their achievements or failures...

Anyway, please write your intricate reply... I am willing to read it with an open mind.
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby far_eastofwest » Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:34 pm

the less I say the better! You really are doing quite well on your own, truly.
your link in the other post, Steve Pavlina, i haven't looked at his blog for awhile, its a good one, like the recent post about getting interupted.... 3 kids and school holidays.... hahaha... lots of interruptions there. And I wonder why I have unfinished projects, hahah.

keep going the way you are going, you're doing fine, you are using the resources available to you and thats your path, you are working it out yourself as you go.

The Others who give you constant (?) reminders about your teeth, maybe tell them they would have more attractive personalities if they have a partial lobotomy? lol. (nah, thats just what I'd say). Wow, I'd look much better if I had plastic surgery but I don't know any Others around me who would suggest it or would be quite so rude! Mind you I do enjoy a bit daubing with make up. Don't really have many regrets, but if I could go back and change something from when I was your age, it would be to wear more make up and doll myself up a bit more (I was an outdoorsy type of gal) and have a bit of fun with it.

cya
:-)
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby Pennee101 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:05 pm

I-surrender wrote:
Pennee101 wrote:The Course in Miracles says that relationships never end they just change form. The love that stays is real. I agree, hold on to the love but you can spread it on yourself and every person you meet. That way it is true love, not the conditional love that is sometimes brought about in relationships."
"

I found this very interesting... Can you please elaborate this "relationships never end they just change form"...
Currently, I am still holding on to my love feelings... no expectations, no hope... nothing at all. But I am not able to spread it on myself or on others... I am trying but I myself discontent at times.


Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this. I take it to mean that love is the only thing that is real and that will stay with you no matter if that physical form of the person is with you or not. Some even speak of romantic relationships as having the potential of being selfish because you are concentrating your love onto one individual and not spreading it around, (I have just heard or read that.)

Pennee101 wrote:""One person is not going to make you happy."

I completely agree and know this... But you know it... EGO, it still controls me to some extent. I wonder and question myself - what did I do that he had to treat me so bad just because I confessed???? I do not feel sad now but I just wonder. He will never answer me... do you think Life will answer my question someday... Or should I just forget about it???


I wonder why you are blaming yourself for his actions? If a person does not want to be in a romantic type relationship with another one sometimes they don't know how to act if confronted with it. His reaction seemed to be made up of fear. And then you encouraged that fear by continuing to confront him. I am saying this in no way to try and make you feel bad or to place blame on you. There is no right or wrong. I also think that when we have had things like this in our life it is good to practice forgiveness - of ourselves and of the others. I think I can answer your question, "do you think Life will answer my question someday" I think the answer is it happened the way it was supposed to happen and you are now given the opportunity to learn and grow from it. You did nothing wrong to deserve it. I do think that we subconsciously know who we are picking. People give us signs, like they will hurt us or do not want us and for co-dependent people, (what I used to be. I have not been in a relationship for a long time) we pick up on those things and we chose those people. I agree that CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE is a great book and one that will probably be very enlightening to you.

Peace,

Pennee
The Holiest site on Earth is where an Ancient hatred has become a present Love. TCIM
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:58 pm

Life must have some better plans for me. Maybe he was my angel to save me from an abusive relationship,

Often the things we think/say when we've exhausted all the feelings are the truth.

If this is the truth, then his purpose in your life was fulfilled, with grace and honesty. Thank goodness for that.
You saw and felt the difference in your self - not because of 'him', but because you started to believe in your own worthiness, goodness in his energy of presence.

Let's not confuse this with anyone else - if he was an angel - (and everyone at some time is) he did not come into your life to stay, he came into your life to wake you up at a time when you were ready to do so.

Be thankful
without any ....but....

Look around - you have a wonderful new world to discover, and a wonderful new you to play with. One who is free, one who has learned from experience what love is - love and respect and boundaries and two people being honest about those boundaries (you may still need to do some more work on this - no means no and you seem to have had a bit of a hard time accepting that gracefully)

and what love is not - both in the abusive nature of the relationship you were in, and in the notion that you can hold onto that which does not wish to be held.

The fastest way to reconciliation between your own feelings and your reality is to recognise that expectation and reality at a distance from each other create suffering in the distance between them.

Within that distance may be the emotions of grief - shock-denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance.

The 'impersonal' ending of a relationship says simply - 'the current form of this relationship no longer serves me'. But, we have a hard time being that honest with ourselves and the 'other' in the relationship and we make up stories of 'why' we need to leave, creating enemy, obstacle, means to an end of both the relationship and the 'other'. That's why break ups are so messy.

An easier way is to make peace with the distance between our own expectations and the reality and the emotions that lay between them.

It might seem strange, but you have two relationships to mourn, two things in which you held expectations that did not match the reality. While you're focussing on the later one, it's likely there are elements of the longer one in which you still hold feelings, and they may be getting mixed up.

Your 'preoccupation' with the newer guy may be in avoidance of the grief process to heal those more painful areas of expectation and reality.

To untangle them and become clear why you have amassed seemingly overt emotions towards one who did not reciprocate them, may I suggest a writing exercise seeing as you enjoy writing.


Jot down the realities that 'irk' at you or that you've been avoiding. Then detail the expectation you had. Look at the distance between them and understand the emotions that arise, be they emotions about the other's behaviour or your own.

When you've spent time understanding the emotions in the distance, come to the point of acceptance by saying - what if this is okay? Look around you in this moment, all these expectations didn't pan out in reality, but still you are okay - there are no victims and no perpetrators here - this is okay. Let grace enfold you - I have journeyed the path, the experience and the emotions and I am fine, I am love, I am peace, I am whole.

If a 'but'... (expectation) arises go back to looking at the emotion behind it - denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance - in each of the emotions let them visit, don't hold onto them, just let them visit and have their time with you in an atmosphere of 'oh, it's you, what have you come to tell me?..... and that is okay too'.

Realise that the expectations you have held are yours - no one else's, yours alone. And that's okay too.

People and situations in life are not bendy toys that we can mould into shapes that we desire, they are travelling their own journeys and intersecting with ours. We're all doing the best that we know, with what we have right now. And that's okay too.

When you've completely 'cleaned out' all the emotions, washing clean the stains on your heart and soul, from the expectations and reality of the first relationship you may like to do the same exercise with the second. I'm hazarding a guess that those expectations were created by you to divert you from facing the pain of the first, which by then will be understood if you've been honest with yourself.

An 'angel' is an instrument of others learning, one who puts themself in the path of another in order that they might know themself better. The 'angel' needs nothing from the encounter, will take nothing from the other, nor will they give anything to the other. They are present in essence alone so that one can see their own true nature and feel safe in their own reality.

That is the nature of an 'angel'.

He has indeed been a gift to you, but he did not come to do your work for you, or to divert you from it.

Namaste.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Help me - I need to let go a dear one...!!!

Postby Tanker » Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:27 am

You sound obsessive , I know if I kept getting emails texts etc from someone I just met then all sorts of red flags would go up
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