An introduction story

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An introduction story

Postby davor » Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:11 pm

Hi everybody,

I will introduce myself through the short story, which feels to be my own(!?). After living in a big city in a foreign country, I found out the travelling "rainbow" way of life: backpack, nature, music, beaches, caves, adventures. I felt freedom and joy, more than anyime before in life, although there was also lows. These lows started to "show" in the form of issues with food (eating a lot, and throwing up, and digestion problems). Generally, the days and movements were spinning around food. I went on travelling and searching for new adventures.
At some point, I heard about the living in the present moment. Months later I read the book of Eckhart Tolle, and felt the truth of his words. I practiced for some time, and felt good and connected. Then for a long time I fell again in confusion, depression, and food crazyness. A few months ago the book came back to me, and I practiced again.
There have been ups and down, from crystal clear understanding and revelation, to the "usual" (and more!) confusion and negativity.
One time, for a few days, I went as deep in the present as I could - or I thought so. But It felt like an effort, something that I could not "hold" a long time. After two days, mostly present, through breathing and body feeling, there came questions like: "how long am I supposed to do this? The whole life!?". I felt good, but there was often a feeling of heaviness, a heavy dark hand inside, pushing down (pain-body?). And thoughts like: "I cannot resist this. I don't know what is going on. I have to go to the hospital!".
Another time, I saw it all shining in the light, complete and silent, words were no more than funny meaningless mouth-sounds, I was free and one. After one hour, that feeling was replaced completely by the "normal" feeling.
And so on, and so on. Waves.
In the "presence" I felt there was nothing to do, and the days were quiet, and static (not many movements of the mind, not many movements of the body). Then, I would go back to the "normal" feeling, and shortly after slide into a deep down, and angriness about this "doing nothing".

Now, I feel afraid to relax, and to try again to meditate, because of the fear, of the angry return of the "normal-down" feeling.
The Queen Confusion is here, with all of her magical tricks (such as, a lot of "poor me" thoughts: "I cannot make it, I just don't get it"; a lot of doubts: "The masters say it's all a game, even the blood is not real. I cannot believe!"; and so on). Also, the food is again at the centre of all: there seems to be no other reason of life, only the food.

So this is a story that I share with you today. There are funnier stories, for sure... but it is truly one from this planet.
:)

I wish you a beautiful day!

Davor
davor
 
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Re: An introduction story

Postby smiileyjen101 » Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:40 pm

Hello and welcome Davor, thank you for sharing your story.

After two days, mostly present, through breathing and body feeling, there came questions like: "how long am I supposed to do this? The whole life!?"

^ This, with my interpretation of the expression of it, made me laugh out loud, not unkindly, in harmony with the genuineness of it, thank you.

It's not that you 'have to', or that you are 'supposed to', it's that you can.

In the "presence" I felt there was nothing to do, and the days were quiet, and static (not many movements of the mind, not many movements of the body).

You can bring 'presence' into doing as well, if you choose. ET details this well towards the end of A New Earth, discussing 'doing' while 'being' conscious in states of acceptance, enjoyment and enthusiasm.

That likely happened naturally as you described in your 'rainbow' period -
I found out the travelling "rainbow" way of life: backpack, nature, music, beaches, caves, adventures. I felt freedom and joy, more than anytime before in life, although there was also lows.


Welcome again.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: An introduction story

Postby davor » Sun Apr 14, 2013 6:15 pm

Thanks for your reply, nice that you could laugh. It is all quite funny... when we are able to see it. It is when it all works in the best way: sometimes our mind says something so silly, so obviously exaggerated, and we can see it - then there's nothing left to do but to laugh.

About the conscious doing: I know it's possible, it happened and it was great. At the same time... in the present, I really feel there are no problems, no goals, no wishes. Very little action at all seems to be necessary. Ok, we have to do pee-pee, we move. When the body feels stiff from sitting or lying, we move. We feel hungry, we move. Otherwise, no other special "doing" happens. Maybe I'm just not very creative, and a lazy type, and I have to accept it.

It can also be, that it has not enough time do develop and flow. Because, at some point, as the days go smoothly, the pain-body (I imagine), underneath, gets more and more "nervous", like this: "hey, you have not been freaking out about anything for 3 days now, what are you waiting for!?". And until now, it finally always finds a way to kick in...

Well, there's would be lot more to say, but I will keep on reading other posts, maybe I find there some answers.
Thanks again for your nice welcome!
davor
 
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