Awakening from addiction to love!

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Awakening from addiction to love!

Postby mai » Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:17 am

Hi there,

I'm so glad I found you... I've been on this "path" kind of by myself for the last 4-5 years, and I've always wanted to be part of a community. Sort of a feedback loop of awakening... I think it took me this long to do a simple google search for Eckhart Tolle forums because before now I may have just been looking for validation that I was on the right "path" (I don't know what else to call it, hence the quotation marks, it's not sarcasm). But now I'm more ready to just share and see how others are experiencing their experiences.

So just to get the labels out of the way first: my name is Mai. I'm an Egyptian woman, 33 years old. I just recently started my own company that does social media and content development for SME's. Work is OK, I hated having the other jobs I had in offices and such, although I am grateful for them because I learned a lot and met many wonderful people along the way. I participated in the revolution/coup of January 2011 but now have taken a step back as things have gotten too complicated and confusing now. I won't get into political or religious discussions as they're inconsequential. Suffice to say at the beginning it was the greatest experience of my life as I felt the shared passion with my countrymen to change and hope for a better future. I still cherish those moments deeply.

I had a difficult childhood with amazing parents. They are amazing separately, but together they were difficult. Abuse and cheating and many of the things that a lot of children witness coming from unconscious parents. I learned to repress my emotions and withdraw from an early age, always looking towards the future as the escape from what I was having. This would go on to be one of my bigger obstacles in adulthood.

My first real satori moment came when I was 17 after my father gave me a series of books that he said he'd only skimmed through because they were quite frightening. I still don't understand what compelled him to give them to me since he found them so disturbing. They were the Carlos Castaneda books of his experiences with an Indian Shaman from Sonora. I gobbled them up. At that time I was just starting med-school (which I later left) and I had to deal with corpses in anatomy class. I hadn't gotten the more common experience of fainting/vomiting at the sight of these dead and dissected humans - it was more of a heightened sense of morbidity. I lost my faith and felt confused. I became depressed. But one night after a particularly long session of reading, I had some kind of out-of-body experience and felt that it was possible to drop all of the heaviness I had been carrying around. I felt like there was a "crack between the worlds" so to speak and that life was infinitely bigger than my little existence allowed me to understand.

Fast-forward a few months and the dailyness of life overtook that and I was back in the same cycles of trying to escape and always looking to the future for my salvation from what is. I used falling in love as my favorite numbing device, and subsequently had abusive, difficult and painful relationships. I escaped those by marrying someone who was the opposite of all that - a kind, sweet, peaceful, yet passive man. After a while I fell out of love (my chronic dissatisfaction creeped back in) and I blamed it all on him. We divorced in such an easy way but I was strewn with guilt for so long. That was the first time that I found Eckhart Tolle and read his books. I managed to find peace but my mistake was to think that I had found the answer to everything. But again daily life took over and I again repeated the cycle of running away by falling in love with his opposite: a passionate yet self-centered and highly unconscious man. When he left, I was more devastated than I had ever been.

That's when I started to take these spiritual teachings more to heart. I practiced being in the moment more and I vowed to stop this addiction to love by being celibate for a year while learning what I could. It was a beautiful time. But I still felt lonely and in need of a man. And then I started having doubts that I wasn't desirable anymore and that time was passing me by, and that I'll end up alone forever. Society really messes with you sometimes!

Still I stuck to it and then I felt ready to try relationships again, with this newfound knowledge of how to stay awake during intimate connections.

A wonderful man came into my life then, but I had another rude awakening. Knowing something is not the same as applying that knowledge consciously. So I slipped back into unconsciousness for the most part and now we have separated after a year. I will elaborate more in the personal experiences section because I would like to get some feedback and also share some amazing insights that have come to me since. But I guess the idea of "when the student is ready the teacher will appear" is what has brought me here. I've never had such an enlightening break-up as the one I'm experiencing now.

Thank you for reading and many blessings to you,
Mai
mai
 
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Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:46 am

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