Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

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Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Griselda » Sat Oct 19, 2013 5:05 am

Hi all, here I am...here you are...

I read TPON about 3 yrs ago and it felt like a huge relief to be reading what seemed to me to be a simple universal truth written from a place of absolute clarity. I experienced a profound shift in my view of the world at that point. I saw the potential for everything to come alive, for the elusive clarity of mind I'd always kind of known was there, to be a real possibility once more. Wow! I looked around and listened and felt the presence of true being in tiny snippets, which really I'd known all my life, but denied it vehemently to myself.

You see, I had created an ego which had to be very vicious and forceful to attempt to cover up the truth, as the call of love was always very strong in me it seems. But a decision was made in 'me' very early on that love was impossible in this world and a 'war with love' was begun, "whoo-hoo yeah, i can squash out love, no problem!"...(bloody lunatic)....This I did sort of consciously almost, if that's at all possible? I was sort of aware of what I was doing the whole time, even though I took drugs a plenty, nearly drunk myself to death etc etc...there was always a knowing..and this isn't a newfound consciousness remembering, it is me on drugs, knowing exactly what i'm doing..seeing the horror, hating it...forcing myself to drink more even though it tastes like poison and i cant stand the stuff...god it was awful...

Ego always knew that love lives in the now, and so has been particularly vigilant against any of my attention accidentally wandering to that neck of the woods, the hot zone...Its a constant strain, an absolute refusal to be present whatsoever. And it knows all the signs..like if I begin to admire a tree..Bang! in it comes, panics, sends shock waves through the body. Message: alert, warning, fear FEAR..then ..."you're scared aren't you, can't even look at a sodding tree?"
Or, especially, heartbreakingly, when I start to see my wonderful 8 year old daughter as she really is..ego goes into meltdown..anger rises to attempt to expel the love, I see it all happening..the horror of it ..sexual urges are produced in order to trigger those messengers of guilt..freaks!!.."hey, you're a real sick bastard, not a loving mother, you want to harm her?!" In the horror and inward panic I believe this is me for a second, then I pull out. The thought is not gone though..it's just trotted off to hide in the unconscious, like a panther waiting to pounce when again I start to feel love, and like a secret i'm supposed to be guarding??! And the guilt hangs around, close to the surface, for a while. Makes me get angry, lash out.

This horror I go through on a daily basis..it seems to get more intense with time, and my tolerance for this kind of psychological hell seems to get more. It seems as though, as my 'tolerance' increases..the unconscious releases a little more of the nightmare the ego tries to hide, and now I am daily trying to deal with constant anxiety and physical pain (one of my ego's best weapons is to put all the pain in the body), as well as trying to look after a little girl single-handedly.

I've always felt very isolated with no way of making any real friends due to the fear of intimacy (love)..though I am just starting to slowly allow myself to let others in. I know that without sharing with other people I'll not get anywhere, as we're one consciousness, not billions of lonely souls separate from each other. This I know, and I know it in quite a profound way..I've seen that it's true, felt it. My understanding is not merely intellectual..I feel as though I got awareness coming out of my ears, and yet I suffer, seem to suffer, more than most, which means I am most certainly not awake.

I was looking at the ducks and the lake yesterday, the light catching the ripples, trying to get a sense of being there. I felt a sense of this wall of thoughts between me and the lake..I tried to look more directly at different ducks, ripples etc..focus my attention (and keep my eyeballs still!), slow down. But the pain in my lower back was like sirens.."pain, pain, body pain...you are a body..just an aching body..you cant compete with pain like this, give it up...". I sat on the bench, and buried my head in my elbow, rested for a minute, exhausted. The next few hours I went into 'stupid mode'...playing the fool...performing...a technique I use when disassociation is required. I find it so painful to glimpse a world of beauty, and have it snatched away again and again. Sometimes unconsciousness is necessary it seems?! Well, only because consciousness seems impossible..and that thing in between the two whatever it is..is just horrific. So...
This is my experience day in day out..for years it's been like this. I never give up trying to be present, but never really seem to get anywhere. Physical pain has got worse..as love gets 'closer', stronger defences are called upon..the body suffers more. If I attempt to be creative, or to communicate loving feelings, resistance is upped. If I feel a particularly strong connection to my true 'self' through meditation or dance or whatever, I often feel more angry later on when once again I find that love is as hard as ever..my daughter gets shouted at again. It breaks my heart every day. It's like I find a bit of peace, only to realise, sometimes seconds later, that I'm still lost in these ever-changing emotions, trapped by pain.

I find it very hard not to get involved with emotions. The emotions I experience always seem very powerful.. and I am always feeling them. When I am playing piano this is an asset..people have commented on how passionately I play..and so, I think I hold onto strong emotions partly through an absurd fear of losing this ability?! Emotions I feel are important for teaching, inspiring, for creativity? Or something.

I am determined that I will be restored to my true state. Been through too much horror for it all to go to waste. And the thing is is that all I can do now is rest when I'm not being a mother. I'm not able to do anything much because of the unbearable pain of this resistance which always comes and pits itself against anything I try to do, I mean anything! I'm reasonably safe in bed and so I've just been staying there as much as possible, not resisting as much the intense depression I've felt most of my life. And so I lie on my bed..looking at the ceiling..thinking, and watching, trying to meditate. This is all I can do for now.

Today, I was trying to just 'be the awareness', as Tolle was saying on a YouTube vid, not to try to do anything about the passing information... But how the hell can I 'try' to be the awareness (my Self)? I can only Be myself! To 'try' to be myself is to play another role isn't it. But it seems I only know how to try. Not how to just be at all. How do all you lovely hearts do it?
I feel like I do know the feeling of being because for a fraction of each second I do let go. That's how it is I think I manage to convey some sort of loving presence to the people around me sometimes. It's like a tenth of each second I See..the rest I spend in unconsciousness, in fear of the next dose of clarity! Tick tock tick tock..woW what a nightmare! Does anyone here relate to that?

At the root of the 'problem' is an unwillingness to let go of the past..a refusal to 'grow up' actually, whatever that means. But, at the same time, I don't think I see many people quite as willing as me to get rid of the whole lot of it. I reAlly don't want to keep anything, except love and music.which will stay anyway. I just want to be my true happy self, and inspire others to be themselves too. Of course, my past self, the one I battle with daily is quite the opposite, a miserable bastard..and really doesn't want to die, or actually..does want to die...but wont give me the satisfaction! It is not me though...not me, not me ...

Oh dear running out of steam. This has taken a huge amount of energy for me to type, but I really wanted to start talking to like-minded people about my experiences. I need your help, and am open for any suggestions, any experiences you can share with me...any new perspectives, techniques used for those with particularly busy minds, any feedback on what you see between these words..what your instincts might say that could help me see myself more directly....

I also read a Course in miracles and did most of the workbook last year..so would love to communicate also my feelings about that.

Introduction over...nice to meet you...owWww!!

Love to all
Griselda xxx
Griselda
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby KathleenBrugger » Sat Oct 19, 2013 9:22 pm

Hi Griselda and welcome to the forum! I am new myself and can assure you that you made a good decision coming here. This is a wonderful community of caring people with a lot of wisdom they are very generous about sharing.

Right now I don't have time to write more; I'll just say you will find like-minded people here who have struggled like you are struggling.
We are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity
http://kathleenbrugger.blogspot.com/
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Ralph » Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:05 am

Hi Griselda, ... one sure way of finding out the truth of who/what you truly are, your true nature, call it Awareness or whatever name you want to call it , is to be ruthlessly honest and truthful about yourself and are completely fed up with the same crap that keeps resurfacing itself over and over again, day after day. I feel, by reading your post, you are now in a position to finally, yes finally, get to where you desperately want to go.

Now, the question you have is how do you get there ? how can I see it ? why can I not live it everyday but instead only have glimpses of it ? what more can I do to see it ? I've tried everything but I just can't BE it constantly, why ?

Well, my answer is , you will never see it or BE it from where you are looking from. In truth, you are not who you think you are, in other word, the idea you have of who you think you are is wrong. This is what is keeping you in bondage. The problem is we question everything in life but this one question that gets overlooked over and over again, and that question is, "who am I, really ? " This question, alone, when investigated thoroughly, will get the answer you are searching for.
I now suggest that you drop everything else which, of course, was necessary for you to get to this point in your life and now just focus on this one question " who is this me that I take myself to be ? " I feel strongly that this question needs to be addressed fully before the seeing of your true nature can reveal itself which , in truth, IS always present, self shining but only, in appearance, to be obstructed by this 'me' that we take ourselves to be.

I hope this makes some sense to you. You are on the right track.
Ralph
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Griselda » Mon Oct 21, 2013 1:05 pm

Thanks for welcoming me Kathleen and very nice to meet you.
Hi Ralph, I appreciate your insight and yes it makes sense, I think.
You say to ask myself who is the me I take myself to be, rather than try to see myself as I am? Do you mean just to meditate on this, or to examine with a therapist childhood trauma etc. I've done a lot of examining of this self, and if anything have just become more paranoid, with even more questions than before. I think I understand but not sure as I had thought maybe I need to focus less attention on this 'me', as I feel as though I am obsessed with it's protection? You mean yo focus on it in a different way I suppose. I will mediate on this question now anyway...try it.
Thanks again.
Griselda
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Ralph » Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:38 pm

Griselda wrote:I've done a lot of examining of this self, and if anything have just become more paranoid, with even more questions than before.

From reading your post, it appears that you have examined the self to death , so if this is the case then what else can you do ?
I suggest that you now examine the one that is doing the examining of this self. This one also needs to be examined. This is the "who am I ?" question that gets overlooked . We usually start the investigation right after assuming we think we know who " I am " is , blindly without investigation but in the final stage when you examined the self with endless questions that just lead to more questions, you now have to take a different approach so I suggest you now start to examine this I (you) that you accept blindly without investigation . As bizarre as it sounds, the one that is doing the examining needs to be examined.

Hope this helps.
Ralph
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Griselda » Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:29 pm

Wow, thanks...I think you may be onto something there! This is very good advice I think. I will let you know how I get on. It coincides also with a particularly challenging drama class I just went to, in which my attention was drawn briefly to this self I think. I get the feeling you are absolutely right, and the time feels right to focus on this. This part of the ego which has been so cleverly disguised...It's like a phantom, hard to see, but there, yes. Thank you very much for explaining more thoroughly.
Griselda
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Griselda » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:36 pm

It thinks it is God. It prides itself as the one who sees the truth. And it does, then quickly reinterprets it to make it fit into the loveless world it made for me. It makes sure that mind sees through my eyes
Griselda
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Ralph » Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:47 pm

Can it be that it is you that is making this assumption ? Perhaps, there is no answer to this question, "who am I ?" but instead a recognition of your true self, more like a ' A HA !' moment.
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Griselda » Wed Oct 23, 2013 12:10 am

It (the 'examiner') really does look this way from the view of that part of me that is afraid of it, not assumed at all from her point of view! I can then also take pity on both these selves...another self doing that eh? So many selves...But of course i'm still not looking from the right place...

So, it's all down to love in the end I think. To attempt to view all these 'selves' from a place of love? This would be pretty revolutionary stuff for me.

I realise the question 'who am I' can't ever really be answered, even seen? We can only be ourselves, and know it inside..not see it as though looking at it from somewhere else, as it's here isn't it, not over there! I know this must be true, but I still try to pretend it isn't; a game which is becoming more and more futile. At some point something's got to give. I have felt a shift taking place this week, I'm sure things are getting clearer, and these communications have definitely helped. Thanks for the encouragement.
Griselda
 
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Re: Oh for a peace of Now and a mind full of nothing!?!

Postby Ralph » Wed Oct 23, 2013 8:06 am

Griselda wrote:So, it's all down to love in the end I think. To attempt to view all these 'selves' from a place of love? This would be pretty revolutionary stuff for me.

Yes , this place of love that you speak of will lead you there.

... and thank you.
Ralph
 
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