Search for freedom

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Search for freedom

Postby DrP » Tue Oct 29, 2013 10:33 pm

Dear All,

I would like to share with you my experience of searching for freedom with practicing the now.

I have a long history of dealing with intense difficult emotions, anxieties and depressions and I have been searching for freedom for very long time. I have tried all kinds of therapies and read tons of self-help and spiritual books but nothing really seemed to help. Few years ago following advice of my friend I watched few of Eckhart’s speeches on internet. However, I didn’t really like the videos and didn’t look for more.

On beginning of this year I have come across Eckhart’s Power of now. However, this time it resonated in me very intensely and I knew that this is what I was in fact looking for the whole time. First, I have spent couple of weeks listening to the book everyday several hours slowly realizing bit by bit what he is talking about. It resonated within me deeply, in fact when listening to it I was many times crying within. Many of the things he talks about I have come across before but only here it all started to make complete and deep sense. Soon, I have started to practice focussing on now. Every day, I went out to walk at least 3 hours focussing on my presence or listening to Eckhart when I could not control my mind. My mind was fighting back very strongly with unstoppable thinking, bouts of doubts etc. However, after some time I started to feel calmer and also aside of my walks I have started to meditate regularly and to work on my presence at all time.

It took at least 3 months of intense daily work to get to the point when I knew that I am really getting there. First, one day at the end of my walk I suddenly stopped and realized than I am present, no thoughts, just sounds of distant cars and all encompassing silence and presence. It lasted only shortly but it was very powerful experience. First time I knew that I am really on the right track. I had continued and started to be more present on my walks as well as in rest of my life. After another couple of months or so I have started to be able to be very much in control of my thinking as well as in acceptance of what is. I have started to sleep well after many years of problems. First time in my life, I was able to work without resistance to what I do and be present. I like what I do, but thanks to my pain body I have a lot of resistance to it. Also, my work involves thinking, writing and other mind stuff which makes staying in presence more difficult.

Unfortunately, somewhat later I have let slip away my presence. Too much stuff was happening I my life (separation with my wife, new job, new home etc) and I did lose the inner connection.

In the past couple of weeks after resolving all the issues, I have got back to working on my freedom. Now, without any disturbance I work on my presence all the time. First, it seemed that I have to start from scratch but very soon I am again finding the ability to not to resist things as they are and I am starting to be present again. In fact I am getting perhaps further than before.

Couple of days ago, listening to discussion on topic which is a sensitive issue to me, my pain body started to raise. Initially, I didn’t recognize what is happening but after many hours of work on my presence with continuously difficult emotions I have realized that huge emotional cloud is within my mind. I can recognize many aspects of it while others are hidden to me. This is the pain body in its full strength. Something what oppressed me for many years before. Eventually, I have started to be able to disconnect from the pain body and just observe it. I could see how the pain body can fuel further presence, whenever I feel it I just use it to be present and observe it. However, when in this “middle” state I really need to be present all the time. Whenever I slip to my mind I lose the ability to observe it and have to work hard again to distant my attention from the mind and the pain body.

This is where I am now. Being more peaceful than ever before and being able to withstand the attacks of the pain body which before caused me unstoppable depressions for years is alone invaluable to me. Nevertheless, I suspect that this is still only the entering of what the reality and freedom is about.

P.
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Re: Search for freedom

Postby KathleenBrugger » Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:23 pm

Hi DrP,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your journey, which from my experience here a lot of us can relate to. I really liked this sentence:
I could see how the pain body can fuel further presence, whenever I feel it I just use it to be present and observe it.

That is an awesome place to get to: instead of resisting your pain you accept it and through that acceptance gain deeper insight. My mantra for some time has been "bend like a willow" which means bow to the reality of what is at all moments.

I look forward to dialoguing with you on the forum.
We are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity
http://kathleenbrugger.blogspot.com/
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Re: Search for freedom

Postby tod » Wed Oct 30, 2013 9:42 pm

Welcome to the club DrP.
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Re: Search for freedom

Postby DrP » Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:59 am

Thank you guys
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Re: Search for freedom

Postby Fethor » Sun Nov 03, 2013 12:05 pm

DrP wrote:Unfortunately, somewhat later I have let slip away my presence.


Remember: the moment that you realize that your presence is sliped away.....you are present again.
Otherwise you didn't realize it.
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