Welcome to the forum, Siriessa1985. Well, you've certainly run the gamut of interesting spiritual disciplines haven't you. Many of us here have our own versions of the same basic story, looking for something to complete us and make us feel whole.
My suggestion: simply stop everything that takes you away from the immediacy of the present moment. In this very moment, right now, wholeness exists, and that wholeness and sense of completion is readily available if you are willing to relax deeply into it. What gets in the way of realizing this wholeness is our pursuits to find "something more", and continually looking to the future to find it. Forget about the future because the future is never here; it's always out in front of us as some sort of mental image, and all the while now, the only place to discover reality, is being overlooked. Now is where fulfillment and completion is found. We secretly hope all of our practices will "purify" us, or make us more worthy, so that at some future
time we will be "blessed" with the attainment of perfection and become "enlightened."
Ironically, it is these very practices that can get in the way of finding that which is sought. Do practices have any value then? Sure, but not if they are a means to an end. Do whatever practice you are drawn to for the sheer enjoyment of it and not for what it will lead to.
In the meantime take some time
and simply sit down with eyes closed and observe closely how your mind operates. Learn to discern its habits and proclivities. Perhaps your mind is always planning ahead or thinking about what to do next, or maybe it's thinking about past events and going over the litany of mistakes and regrets in your life. Or maybe it has a tendency to label or judge everything that is sensed. Each time you see something happening return to the immediacy of now by following your breath, or feeling the energy of the body. Bring attention again and again to this moment and relax deeply into it. Each time you find yourself thinking about anything return to the anchor of the physical body and its sensations or the breath. Without trying to manipulate anything with the mind return repeatedly to this very moment with whatever means works best for you.
In other words, train yourself to consciously do nothing. We are in the habit of unconsciously being driven by mind, and by doing that we tend to miss the present moment. So now learn to bring awareness to that fact so that you can undermine that conditioning and consciously rest in now, just as it is.
Once again, welcome to the forum -
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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