Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

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citronella49
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:19 am
Location: Seoul, Korea

Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by citronella49 » Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:39 am

Hello,
Ive been reading and writing here for a short while now, and I figured I should introduce myself... I honestly didn't think I would continue reading and writing here for as long as I have, so maybe Im learning something, or maybe not...

Anyway, I was reading someone else's introduction and two people responded with quotes I like:

there are two basic groups of people that post here, those that are honestly seeking what Tolle and others like him teach (which is the majority) and those whose main goal is to argue ideas for the sake of argument. The former group is what most interests me.
-kiki

To be honest, I know I love to argue, and I know I argue for the sake or arguing all the time, especially with my bf and family... I know this is no good, but I feel like I can't help it. I just want to let the people on this board know that I'm not arguing to prove you wrong, or to hurt you or upset you... I am far more interested in hurting myself than hurting you... I am trying to convince myself that this cant work for me... that even though the path seems so clear the fact that I cant make myself walk down it isnt my fault... I want to see treachery on that path, or some sort of reason to prevent me from walking down it with you... because I KNOW that at the end of that path is peace... and if what you all say is true, its not even a long path, just one step... just surrender... just accept things and be present, and then I am at the end... rather I am at the now... sorry if Im not making any sense.

I just wanted to let you know that I am jealous of you all, and I know thats one of the things preventing me from being present. But I hear what you say, and many of the quotes I copy and re-read, some Many many times... and Im really trying to learn to meditate and feel the now... but there is a lot of fight in me, and I just want you to know when I might seem like Im fighting with you on this board, Im really fighting with me... and Im sorry if it comes across in the wrong way. Im really happy for all of you and I hope I can take the same leap you all did, and perhaps be on the other side of sanity one day.

Do we seek the truth as it is, or do we seek confirmation of the truth as we see it?
-webwanderer

I think this is one of my biggest problems. I absolutely see the truth as I see it. I KNOW how I want things to be, and of course they are not that way. And I cannot accept that there is another truth... that my truth is false. I will be repeating this question to myself many times so that perhaps I can come to understand it... but right now I can only hear it... sigh

Anyway, about me:
I am a college grad with a bachelors in physics (working on masters... almost and far from done at the same time... in physics education) I was a middle school science teacher for 3.5 years in NY before moving to korea to teach English with my bf of 8.5 years. I am a vegetarian, I love my two cats and all animals (except mosquitoes!) I play video games and read books (sci-fi and fantasy primarily, but other stuff too) I love teaching for many reasons... the healthy ones being I love to watch people grasp new ideas, the unhealthy reason being I love being the reason people learn, it gives me strength and power (I know this is another issue with presence somehow). I desperately want to have kids cause I think they are so interesting and fun, and cute! but Im not really in a situation where that is possible now, and that makes me unhappy.

Basically my life is fine, but I have always been depressed and frustrated with the way things are, and I always want things to change... Hence my desperate attempt to understand Tolle's book ANE. Still havent read PON, but I bought it. Im a slow reader. Im turning 29 this month, and I want to grow up. I am sick of throwing tantrums like a little kid and I want control over my life.. or if I cant have control then I want to be able to accept my life and enjoy it... rather than fight it.

Wish me luck
I just want to understand

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Sighclone
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Re: Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by Sighclone » Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:09 am

C49-

No one can help you unless you truly truly want to help yourself. What is the title of that section of ANE: "Do you want drama or do you want peace?" If there is a Transactional Analysis-based therapist around there, it might be helpful to discover the source of the scripts you are reading to yourself. I say that as dualistic advice because if you can understand the source of your self-destructive impulses (and resistance to self-realization), perhaps you can forgive yourself enough to make progress in some way. For some, if we can understand our ego-structure we can stop judging it and let it be.

This recent post does help us understand your history in form. Take your favorite nondual phrases, from Eckhart or perhaps even from people here, put each on a notecard. Carry them with you. Each time you find yourself in some kind of self-destructive thought cycle, grab one...any one and dwell on it instead. This is a kind of "behavior modification" technique to get you past the habit of self-sabotage. You will be able to drop this ritual after a while. Just noticing (by stepping back) from an anxiety-producing thought stream has value also...particularly if you step into the present moment.

Eckhart mentioned a meditation technique at the beginning of the last Oprah webinar: Put your attention on your awareness. This has a unique way of bringing us into the very immediate present moment...where it's all good.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

randomguy
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Re: Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by randomguy » Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:36 pm

...or if I cant have control then I want to be able to accept my life and enjoy it... rather than fight it.
You have described your situation perfectly, and I suspect you know which choice is illusory and which choice is always available to you.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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domokato
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Re: Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by domokato » Wed Jan 07, 2009 8:29 pm

citronella49,

I think you have made great progress since you first posted here, although "progress" is a misleading term, I know. (You are only learning to let things be!) You have brought a lot of your unconscious self into consciousness, which is a great thing. However, it's not everything. Realizing what you truly are is all that is needed for everything in your life to fall into peacefulness. Be still and know. :)
citronella49 wrote:Im turning 29 this month, and I want to grow up. I am sick of throwing tantrums like a little kid and I want control over my life.. or if I cant have control then I want to be able to accept my life and enjoy it... rather than fight it.
Don't turn enlightenment into a means to an end. Doing so will only hinder your awakening.
~housecat

citronella49
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:19 am
Location: Seoul, Korea

Re: Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by citronella49 » Fri Jan 09, 2009 11:27 am

Thank you Andy, I like the note card idea, I think I will work on some cards this weekend.
I just want to understand

Robin
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Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 2:11 pm

Re: Hi from the land of jealousy and confusion

Post by Robin » Tue Jun 16, 2009 2:03 pm

Hi citronella,
I was reading several letters from you and answer’s you got. I could see myself in you and the fights you are going through as I believe that my ego setup is the same as yours.
Maybe you are not aware of it but I can see that you see and know a lot. When I was going through the same emotions, pains and suffering you went through. The main attack path my ego gets on me is too a relationship and with it my own ideas and morals and dreams being its strongest allies. One day when I went out with the dog finding myself in deep depression and feeling stuck and claustrophobic the thought hit me that the ego/me (while being trapped in it) functions much like a Vampire, needing the life blood to sustain its existence.

Sometimes when the ego/painbody was lying still for a long time it explodes with a terrible hunger for life when it finally gets free. I made up my mind not wanting to be a monster sucking the life blood out of situations, relationships etc.
Today, I try to remember questioning myself. What do I bring to this moment, something which unites or do I bring the ego to suck out the life of others, I ask myself.
When I today get into situations with my wife I pretty quickly start to ask myself who is here in charge the vampire now wanting, yes, needing blood to survive or it is me, the life giver, do I want to suck out life or give life. Being aware of this helped me a great deal; it’s not making me passive, I have a choice of love. What do I love most, sucking life or giving life?
This does not mean that I am not attacked; today for example I saw how a guy at my work put his arm around my wife and was standing there for a long time with her. Oh, shit. The ego attacked me with total surprise I was not expecting it and jealousy popped up with a terrible force. I lost consciousness and attacked my wife later about it with questions, making her feel bad and angry. Then I woke up and thought what I am doing here. Love is giving and not taking, killing, attacking etc. There was something in me which wanted drama, yes, needed it. The vampire was active again until I saw it and remembered myself.
Only make up your mind, what do you want to be in each life situation a life giver or a vampire?
Yours
Robin

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