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my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 1:10 pm
by khoa nguyen
Hi, I am Vietnamese. 24 born in Sydney Australia. I was never good at school or studying, I love hands on and labour I have been making coffee for the past 4 years as a barista and I like to do photography on the side as a hobby.

I am the youngest of 4. I have a very loving and special family but of course i neglect them. I have quiet a comfortable life living at home with a sister and my parents in a fairly nice house. I have my own car, I am average weight,height,looks,health.

I am at a point in my life where I am suppose to figure out my career and my future, it is quiet scary and stressful. I feel I am kinda on the right path with the special help of a wonderful friend(doing photography and weddings and events and filming, its very fun).

Hmmmm...ok lets talk more about spiritual stuff and get a lil more interesting.
About 6months ago, My sister comes home very happy and very different. She invites me to attend some sort of seminar called Landmark education. She said it will help with my laziness and my lostness with my career and such.

To sum it up, i end up doing a 3 day seminar at this landmark place. Very skeptical thinking it was a cult etc but all in all it was a good experience filled with motivational speaks,awareness,awakening and pretty much a all in one blenderd self help thingy. It touches on similar teachings as eckhart,tony robins and many other spiritual leaders etc.

I left that course feeling ontop of the world and in control of my life. I got myself out of a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship and started attracting very positive people and things and events. It was fantastic and it was all thanks to landmark.

But...things suddenly crashed. I was on a massive high and then came crashing down. I went back to my normal standard mode, my conditioned old self(ego). I got back into my dysfunctional relationship thinking it would make me feel whole and complete. During this whole process, alot of family and friends started being weary of me. Massive highs,massive lows. They were not use to the dramatic changes in my personality.

The relationship ended of course, since it was based on ego. What made it even worst was she ended up with my long term friend. We do not speak no more and it was alot of people in our circle of friends taking sides and giving their opinions and gah..its messy. Me, trying to be as present as possible and avoiding all that negative energy thinking i was doing the right thing by just leaving the past as the past and it is what it is and this to shall pass I was on a high again. I manage to some how shrug off quiet some drama.

Or so i thought i did.

Ever since, I have been goin on very deep inner journeys of my mind and life and whatever you want to call it. I needed help as I was getting very depressed and suicidal. Alot of crazy crazy thoughts and so much Eckhart tolle and landmark and tony robins and chakara healings...I do not think i am dealing with this the right way but I ended seeing a doctor and I am now on anti depressants.

The first week on the medication was all high and might again. I was back to the way I was. Again, alot of people around me were not use to this but I didnt care and shrugged it off and stayed present and so did they as I was so vibrant and joyful.
But its wearing off. My old thought patterns and records are creeping back in somehow. The Drugs dont seem to numb them, my meditation and eckhart cds feel translucent

Its all so much...in a nutshell, why am i complaining. If you look at my life from another's perspective. I have nothing to complain about. I have got it pretty sweet. Am i just being emo? bratty? drama queen? un-appreciative? un greatful for the people and things i have in my life? I have this terrible darkness and negativity inside me. It is ruining my life and whats worst is it is a burden for everyone around me. My mum and dad, sisters,brothers, friends.

I also watched ,read and listened to the secret. That got me high and happy for a month and then i got paranoid because i have this negative deep dark energy inside me that just wants to sabotage my life. I would manifest terrible things. Oh fuck was that scary.

I dont know what to do anymore. I am just surviving. Maybe I am just lazy. unmotivated. I dont know.

life for me right now is like a camera..you know when you press down the button and then it automatically focuses for you? and the image goes very sharp and in focus. Thats my highs and they come and go...majority of the time everything in my life is blurry and un focused.

I smashed my computer the other day while reading these forums. My ego lashed out

But then last week I had the most fun weekend as an assitant photographer filming and taking photos of all these people having fun, alot of very pretty girls. One even asked for my number and another kept smiling at me. But thats in the past now so it doesnt matter.

I should sleep now. I guess i had to let that all out before i wake up at 5am. My introduction. My ego. Means nothing.

There is this beautiful tree that i park my car nearby. I sit under it when I can. I can feel its energy. So peacful.

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:29 pm
by karmarider
Good to know you Khoa.
khoa nguyen wrote: I smashed my computer the other day while reading these forums. My ego lashed out
I hope it wasn't something I said. :)

It sounds like you're dealing with some of life's stuff, and sounds like you're trying out various things, including Tolle. All of that sounds about right. Welcome, good to know you here.

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:55 pm
by Webwanderer
Your story is not so different... a life filled with challenges, wanting to change only to slip back into the conditioned way of life. It's what it is. So what's to do?

Know your core principles and do the best you can to live from them. When you lose sight of them and get into ego games, don't bother to beat yourself up. That's just another ego game. Rather recognize that you are off course and look to your core principles again, and again, and again - as often as it takes and without keeping score. Not as a determinate on right and wrong, but as a guide to set and reset your life by - as often as it takes.

Now, what are your core principles? Are you clear on them? Do you know who/what you are? Do you have a sense of your true nature, and an understanding that that nature is the same for everyone? Tolle and others point the way to that understanding, but you must look for yourself.

It seems to be the way of life to stray from our principles (if indeed we know what they are), with all the distractions that life engenders. But we learn a little about ourselves, and life in general, every time we do stray and find our way back to clarity. Be ever forgiving of yourself and others. It's just the stuff of experience, and not who we are. See the truth whenever it comes to awareness and let it grow in consciousness. Rest in silence and know what it is to be you.

WW

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:51 am
by khoa nguyen
..............

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:43 pm
by eonoe
Hi, I have read your post and the first thing that struck me was your very earnest pursuits in areas you hope will deliver you out of your terrible times of it. This is the first time I have ever participated in this forum, or any forum, for that matter. I have decided to join because I have been helped, I think, by Tolle's work. And from the help I have gotten I was able to get a sense that there is something I can perhaps say to help you with your sufferings.
I don't mean to get all dramatic by calling your difficulties "sufferings", and please understand that the pain is definitely real that you are dealing with. It seems to me that much of it is from being in a place where you automatically accept that the end of your troubles will only come once you have found the right area of pursuit, one that will be clear, and one that will not be so darned temporary; Up and down, up and down, and this, in itself, can be a real problem. (in fact, the ego thrives on it)
Where are you looking for your solutions? It sounds to me that you are under the impression that there will be something outside yourself that will finally deliver you out of your troubles. But there is nothing outside yourself, right? I mean, you are whole and complete, and it is the ego that "thinks" otherwise! You are not that and you are not those silly little thoughts. It is perfectly natural that perpetual attempts to achieve something more than what you already are could only exist through thinking there is something in you that is lacking, which there is not and there never really could be, at least not in the real you. (It is sort of comical that the ego could attain something from the outside that could "fix' it's problems since it doesn't exist except as an illusion anyway.)
What you need to feel better is not going to be achieved, but merely accepted. The more we pursue the peace in outside places and things, or even in the right "magical" thought systems like from Robbins or even Tolle, the more we will suffer, for forms are temporary. The ego can get all manic for a while, really cruising because it feels bolstered by some "positive" thought system. But the euphoria is short lived, only temporary, as all forms are. It is the eternal all within that can bring us to see that we make our own suffering. Be still and know that I Am God is the practice that brings enlightenment, and salvation and an end to suffering. Right?

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:54 am
by smiileyjen101
Hi there - wonder how long it took you to realise smashing your computer didn't actually get rid of the forum :lol: bit like life really.
There is this beautiful tree that i park my car nearby. I sit under it when I can. I can feel its energy. So peacful.
Take a beautiful mental picture of this and keep it with you for when you forget what is real. Thank you for mentioning it.

Namaste

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:23 pm
by Mouse
I see you as an interesting case. Your post has the gentle intelligent wisdom in it that will carry you through your self.
khoa nguyen wrote: I have this terrible darkness and negativity inside me. It is ruining my life and whats worst is it is a burden for everyone around me. My mum and dad, sisters,brothers, friends.
That is good you can see it clearly.
There is this beautiful tree that i park my car nearby. I sit under it when I can. I can feel its energy. So peaceful.
Your own body has a similar energy in it.

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:39 pm
by spikyface
I left that course feeling ontop of the world and in control of my life.
That's all these courses do really, give you a temporary "high" feeling like you can accomplish anything, but that wears off after a while. Many others have said the same thing
I also watched ,read and listened to the secret. That got me high and happy for a month and then i got paranoid because i have this negative deep dark energy inside me that just wants to sabotage my life. I would manifest terrible things. Oh fuck was that scary.
Same thing except I'm guessing what's happened is that you've split your "self" into two parts, one part is judging the other as dark and destructive when it's really just pain. Trapped life energy that has become stagnant because it's a part of your "self" that you haven't accepted yet

eonoe has summed up the "chasing a high" stuff very well so I second her comments

If you want to search for something, search for the answer to this question:

"Who am I?"

which eventually leads to the question "What am I?"

Use this principle: if it changes over time, then it's not really you

You can start with external things you identify with (job, car, relationship, family, etc.) and then move on to internal things (emotions, thoughts, darkness/emptiness inside)

Once you find it, realise it and rest within that knowing, then the highs and lows won't affect you as much

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:05 pm
by khoa nguyen
HI EVERYONE!

Koala boy from Downunder. I hope i havnt left any of you guys worried(i doubt you guys were worried hahah)

id like to keep it short as i have work early tomorrow.

Thank you Eckhart Tolle. And Thankyou to you guys and Thankyou to the universe/god/spirit whatever you are/nothingness/original source.

I understand now =]

The universe bumped me into Dr Wane Dryer and i listened to his audio tapes and watched the Shift. It helped me out in a very big way.

These days, i have a smile or grin on my face 80% of the time. Life is very wonderful and when things go bad they put me into the now even more. I feel very light and positive and glowy =]

The Tree? I still see it every morning. It always has a lesson for me each morning with its pressence. What a wonderful friend it is hehe.
Hmm what else? I am studying photography right now and its very fun and i am learning so much and meeting alot of great people from all walks of life and pain bodies lol. Work is very fun, making coffee and talking to customers is very fun and time just keeps flying!.


Well...thats about it from me! namaste everyone!

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:17 pm
by spikyface
Glad to hear you're doing well!

Re: my story. from sydney australia

Posted: Fri May 13, 2011 5:14 pm
by ashley72
khoa nguyen wrote: These days, i have a smile or grin on my face 80% of the time. Life is very wonderful and when things go bad they put me into the now even more. I feel very light and positive and glowy =]

The Tree? I still see it every morning. It always has a lesson for me each morning with its pressence. What a wonderful friend it is hehe.
Hmm what else? I am studying photography right now and its very fun and i am learning so much and meeting alot of great people from all walks of life and pain bodies lol. Work is very fun, making coffee and talking to customers is very fun and time just keeps flying!.


Well...thats about it from me! namaste everyone!
Nice post. Great pointers about the Tree! It's amazing that 99.9% of people don't realize just how much thoughts obscure and cloud our Being. Excessive Worrying is like a fog, the more thinking the thicker the fog.