I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

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I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Mon Aug 01, 2011 4:05 am

Hey guys,

I am going into depression and I've turned to Tolle. I am trying to just accept things, life, and how things come. This I am having so much more trouble with.

I started out as a happy go lucky, positive, out going young kid now a young man. At 13, I hit puberty, and my life has never been the same. I've battled terrible acne every since then. Now in my early 20s, I've suffered through this for years, lack confidence, and my self esteem is so low. I've never had a gf. I've dated a little bit. I started reading Eckhart Tolle and other self help books to better my life. It worked. Things were great. I started to listen to the stillness inside and love myself even more. I listen to the peace inside but, I still feel I am unable to show my best self cause of my appearance.

I've used everything out there. I've prayed to God and asked for help. I've been to church, I eat so healthy, and deprive myself of anything with sugar or snacks. I love martial arts and Asian philosophy. I love spirituality. I would eat really healthy, workout, pray, read Tolle, and well, when nothing else worked, I seeked more help. I did use organics, acne.org, all sorts of stuff I read and tried online. My family isn't wealthy so, they never took me to a dermatologist. Finally, in my early 20s, I saved money, and went to see one. What makes me sad is that, they give me free samples so, it upsets me that nobody took me before. I started getting cystic acne. Deep, ingrained acne, and well, I even tried store products, products like proactive. I am really into natural medicine, chinese medicine, and organic natural way of life but, i was too sad to keep doing this. Now, I am using meds from my doctor. I just feel so lost right now. I am ashamed to say it but, I started reading pick up material about 4yrs ago. I was so nervous and self conscious around girls. I just wanted to have a gf. Date girls. Not be mean or use or hurt anyone. Well, I guess the jokes on me now.

After the last cystic break out, I got some antibiotics, and took it as prescribed. I also got a topical and it helped clear up my skin. Its never been better. I was happy. It upset me before, I would have a horrible break out, it would clear up, I would think I beat it, and it would come back worse. After a decade, its did a toll on my skin, and worse, that last cystic breakout left me with a scar. I am so sad. I am so self conscious. I am getting in trouble at work but, I don't even leave my house any more or see my friends. I don't date. It seems to take over my whole life. I doubt God and everything I've believed. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I read Stillness Speaks every so often. I think about martial arts and it makes me happy but, lately, I just watch movies or distract myself. I come back and I am in a nightmare again. I wont say I've been thinking suicidal. I am too strong for that but, I do feel all my hopes of a gf, a family, kids one day is gone. I see role models, people who have had same issues, and over come it to live a great life. Its still so hard.

I want my life back but, it just isn't the same, and I feel so much sadness.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby kiki » Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:29 am

I went through a period from 18 to age 24 with a similar problem on my back - my entire back is still scarred from it. It cleared up after taking a Shaklee vitamin supplement along with their protein powder, and it's never returned even though I stopped taking those particular products after a few months. I didn't take those as a means to stop the problem, but that was a nice outcome. Why I got it I don't know, but I feel that stress was a contributing factor. Learning to meditate helped with the stress, and the vitamin thing helped with my body chemistry.

I know it's hard, but please be patient and don't judge yourself because of this. Stressing over it will only contribute additional hardship to your body. Yes, the body has a certain appearance, but what You are has nothing to do with the body.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby amber542 » Mon Aug 01, 2011 8:36 am

Hi meetjoeblack, welcome to the boards!

I'm afraid I cannot really offer a word of help, but I'd like to say that reading your post seemed to have tapped into my own pain body. An immense sadness has come around me while reading your story, I was tearing up for a while.

I had cystic acne for a while too. The difference between us was that I wasn't too conscious about it. My mom had been bugging me about it, saying I had to watch my diet, stay away from stress, etc. I tried products too, and covered my blemishes with too much make up. I really understand how it affects the confidence and self-esteem. My first dermatologist failed me and I thought there was no hope. Finally, when I reached 21, I went to another dermatologist and after some time, the acne is gone. Now I'm one of the pretty girls in the office, it's amazing how your circumstances can change in almost just an instant. I really enjoy my appearance now, but I know better than to be identified with it or to hold on to it. In this world of form, I dare say anything goes.

I don't know how bad that scar is, but if it came from cystic acne, maybe that's not really beyond some cosmetic/dermatological procedures. I know that sounds like a very "worldly" remark, like I'm giving utmost importance to the form instead of the essence. Again, I'm sorry that I wasn't of much help, just want you to know I'm quite affected by your story. Why? I would have to explore that in myself :)

By the way, my brother was reading pick-up about a year ago. He started becoming a pain to deal with, but I see what kind of loneliness that behaviour was coming from :( Sometimes I give him space to be hurtful and be insulting, etc. because for the most part I feel real pity for him.

I see the pain that's in myself, and in others, and I really just can't wait to wake up. Wake up and abide in that awareness. But I really have no idea what happens when you wake up. Will it take away the pain? Will it even make a difference?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:20 am

Thanks for the responses guys. Today was a rough one.

I feel so internally damaged. My family could not afford to take me to a dermatologist. I thought before 18, I would get past this, and well, its gone on long past my teens, into my early 20s. I thought acne was the worst thing. To get past cystic acne, large deep pimples under the skin, to pray, to meditate, to beg God for some sort of compassion, to find courage to put myself out there, to meet someone, and all I can say is I feel so empty. My intent was never to harm anyone. I was blessed. I feel I am lucky in so many ways but, this seems like such horrible punishment. I am a shell of the human being I truly am.

While I am ashamed of reading pick up material, it got me out of my head, out of the house, and I did meet lots of girls. I even got dates. I was honest. I never intended to hurt anyone. It was more a feeling of worthlessness that brought me there. It started out as intrigue, possibilities, and what I am missing out on. I see friends with a girlfriend, with dates or girls they hook up with. Some older friends are married, with kids, and we don't see one another any more. I've locked myself away. I play video games but, I was meant for so much more, and I feel so upset. I am getting in trouble at work, written up, said I am not doing my best, that I am slacking, and people are being mean. I am getting verbals and written warnings. I don't want to lose my job. I have no peace. I am reading self help books like Eckhart.

I get some peace at times but, its through distractions, tv, movies, video games, and then, I come out of the trance, and its a nightmare all over again. I want to be a normal kid, have a gf, date, go to college, and live out my dreams. If there is such a thing as a loving god, why do I feel so much pain? Its been incessant over a decade now. My skin is clearing up but, I am left with scars, the sort of ones you would expect to see on the face of a pro fighter. My skin in my 20s is worse then those in their 50s. Last year, I was dating, seeing girls, and meeting people. This year, I could not feel more lonely, and depressed.

I wont do anything horrible but, I wouldn't wish this curse and hurt on anyone. Its a complete nightmare. I just want to wake up to a world without this. My dates and the girls I met would leave. I understand. They left before the scars. Before I became like a monster. How can I live out a normal life now?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:24 am

kiki wrote:I know it's hard, but please be patient and don't judge yourself because of this. Stressing over it will only contribute additional hardship to your body. Yes, the body has a certain appearance, but what You are has nothing to do with the body.


I've seeked out models, brad pitt, Dane cook, Seal, Katy Parry, and a bunch of other people who have gone through these sorts of skin situations, and made something of themselves. I know we are something more but, I feel so alienated. I know part of it, its my own doing, and well, when I was unconscious of the scars, I thought it was post acne inflammation. I could get over that. When it lasted long, I realized, it was a scar, permanent, that, I now have to wear this shame for life. Not sure how Brad Pitt fixed it but, I am not rich so, I don't know how to treat this. Its just so upsetting. I want to be stronger. I don't know how I can have muscles, have a lean body type, full abs, and acne? cystic acne? I eat so well too and its like I don't take care of myself which is that much more upsetting.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:27 am

amber542 wrote:Hi meetjoeblack, welcome to the boards!

I'm afraid I cannot really offer a word of help, but I'd like to say that reading your post seemed to have tapped into my own pain body. An immense sadness has come around me while reading your story, I was tearing up for a while.

I had cystic acne for a while too. The difference between us was that I wasn't too conscious about it. My mom had been bugging me about it, saying I had to watch my diet, stay away from stress, etc. I tried products too, and covered my blemishes with too much make up. I really understand how it affects the confidence and self-esteem. My first dermatologist failed me and I thought there was no hope. Finally, when I reached 21, I went to another dermatologist and after some time, the acne is gone. Now I'm one of the pretty girls in the office, it's amazing how your circumstances can change in almost just an instant. I really enjoy my appearance now, but I know better than to be identified with it or to hold on to it. In this world of form, I dare say anything goes.

I don't know how bad that scar is, but if it came from cystic acne, maybe that's not really beyond some cosmetic/dermatological procedures. I know that sounds like a very "worldly" remark, like I'm giving utmost importance to the form instead of the essence. Again, I'm sorry that I wasn't of much help, just want you to know I'm quite affected by your story. Why? I would have to explore that in myself :)

By the way, my brother was reading pick-up about a year ago. He started becoming a pain to deal with, but I see what kind of loneliness that behaviour was coming from :( Sometimes I give him space to be hurtful and be insulting, etc. because for the most part I feel real pity for him.

I see the pain that's in myself, and in others, and I really just can't wait to wake up. Wake up and abide in that awareness. But I really have no idea what happens when you wake up. Will it take away the pain? Will it even make a difference?


Thanks for the kind words. I will post more in response. My derm doesn't recommend anything. I am looking at laser but, its so much money, and there is a lot of ipl risk and laser damage. Its new technology. I was looking at fillers but, they are only temporary, and everything has a cause & effect. What is even more upsetting is that, if a scar came from a car accident, it would happen and be over. This is a gradual process of watching myself suffer. It seems sick. I feel like Pachino in the movie Devils advocate. It just is unfair.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby amber542 » Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:10 pm

Have you tried being intimate with the pain and the suffering? I mean have you tried fully feeling it? With no resistance and no movement away from it? Just you and the pain. You talk about "battling" your pain body. Can you stop putting up a fight? Just let the pain be. By resisting the pain, maybe you are creating more pain for yourself.

I suggest taking even just a moment to do away with your distractions and fully face the suffering. Take some time to sit with yourself and let everything in. Cry if you feel like crying. Do not escape. You can run away from the suffering temporarily, but it will not go away.

Also examine your desires. Desires about living a normal life, having a gf, etc. Just look at them and your thoughts about them. Do not be too caught up. Observe these desires with some detachment. You do not have to believe them.

Also, try to smile if you feel like it. No scar can ruin a genuine smile :)

Here's a poem by Rumi I'd like to share:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby runstrails » Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:04 pm

What a terrific poem! Thank you for posting that amber and welcome!
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:44 pm

amber542 wrote:Have you tried being intimate with the pain and the suffering? I mean have you tried fully feeling it? With no resistance and no movement away from it? Just you and the pain. You talk about "battling" your pain body. Can you stop putting up a fight? Just let the pain be. By resisting the pain, maybe you are creating more pain for yourself.

I suggest taking even just a moment to do away with your distractions and fully face the suffering. Take some time to sit with yourself and let everything in. Cry if you feel like crying. Do not escape. You can run away from the suffering temporarily, but it will not go away.

Also examine your desires. Desires about living a normal life, having a gf, etc. Just look at them and your thoughts about them. Do not be too caught up. Observe these desires with some detachment. You do not have to believe them.

Also, try to smile if you feel like it. No scar can ruin a genuine smile :)


I don't think people understand the reality and the depth of the pain and suffering I feel on a daily basis. I cannot wake up every morning without walking past a mirror. I cannot take a piss or shit without walking past a mirror. I am constantly reminded of it. Fuck, I cannot even make a phone call or text message outside cause, I'll see my own reflection from my phone, and get upset again. I don't just question why this happens, why not take my life, why not just end it all instead of living a shitty half life or part of a life. Health case is about preserving life but, there is no consideration taken into the quality of life. Its not fair. If there is a loving God, then why? There is nothing loving or caring and nurturing about this.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Ralph » Sat Aug 06, 2011 2:58 am

Hey joeblack, I truly appreciate your honesty. I had a severe stuttering problem when I was a child and it continued into my teenage years and it was very painful and I suffered alot because of it and yes, I too asked God the same questions you did but now when I look back , for some strange reason, I am okay with all that happened.

Each one of us has their own imperfections to deal with ... and perhaps, our strong identification with how we are supposed to look or be like is the cause of all our misery.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 4:38 am

Meetjoeblack said: What is even more upsetting is that, if a scar came from a car accident, it would happen and be over.


I think that's fairly unloving, judgemental and unrealistic to judge experiences outside of your own joe.
"Judge not lest you also be judged by the same measure'. Seems to be happening here, you are the one judging and labelling yourself most unlovingly.

Ralph said: Each one of us has their own imperfections to deal with ... and perhaps, our strong identification with how we are supposed to look or be like is the cause of all our misery.

Ralph's hit the nail on the head. Seems to me joe the one thing you could change immediately that would impact upon your level of suffering, is your attachment to judging yourself and others.

My nephew has severe acne scars, it was only when I was reading about yours that I even remembered; no one even sees them anymore, and definitely nobody defines him by them. We're too busy smiling at his attitude and the loving accepting way he is with his wife and three children, workmates, friends and family.

A dear young friend has third degree burn scars to major parts of his body, again we rarely notice them, and when we do it only makes us love him, and his loving attitude more. Also his loving partner, two children and adopted child love him with the scars, not in spite of them. The experiences he grew into with love and compassion for himself and for others through them make him the loving and compassionate person that he is.

If I can be so frank, it's not your physical body or acne that's stopping you loving yourself and others, it's your attitude and judgements that are feeding your pain body.

Forgive me even further... have you thought about the 'poison' that the energy of an unloving attitude is and how it might manifest physically as it seeks to be released and noticed?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Serenity 247 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:00 am

meetjoeblack wrote:I don't think people understand the reality and the depth of the pain and suffering I feel on a daily basis. I cannot wake up every morning without walking past a mirror.


Hugs to you "joeblack." You are not alone. Many of us do understand deep pain and suffering. Our experiences vary--for some it's physical conditions, others have overcome mental health issues, childhood abuse or trauma. Nobody is exempt from suffering in this world of form, but many are able to overcome it by recognizing a few truths, the same truths that have been presented to you by members of this board.

There were three kids in my high school who had the worst acne anyone had ever seen. Two were girls--one was a varsity cheerleader, the other elected homecoming queen. The boy was the one of the most popular guys on campus and had a hot girlfriend. I kid you not. Shallow person that I was, I couldn't figure this out. I understand now. They had really bad complexions...they just didn't seem to know it.

Please believe us when we tell you that your misery is not coming from the image in the mirror. It's coming from the image in your own mind. Your suffering is not caused by how other people see you. It's caused by how you see yourself.
Peace, love and sandy feet.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby far_eastofwest » Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:50 am

Hey Joe,

I could write a message re: its your self worth and that doesn't come from whether or not you have bad skin (very external) but I'll tell a little personal experience.

When I was about 40 I decided to upgrade my face a bit and get some botox for the frown lines (you know, fabulous at 40 apparently means looking like you are 25 not healthy and happy with laughter lines).
Anyway, found Dr Juan as the consulting cosmetic doctor at the local beauty place.
Now Dr Juan was adored by the staff and his clients alike and the staff were a bit sad he was married (he mentioned his wife quite often just to remind them).
Dr Juan was hot, gorgeous spanish man with a fantastic smile. He was also a lovely person, before he did anything to you he would tell you how you look lovely just as you are and if you went ahead it was fine but if not that was quite fine too.
He had genuine and caring attitude.
He had worked as a construction worker to put him self through his studies to become a doctor.

Now Dr Juan had skin like swiss cheese... maybe the moon's surface (but on smaller scale of course). Acne scarring from one corner of his lovely smile to the other.

But he never did anything to his own skin, no sanding it off (of course a nicer term is dermabrasion) , lazering it, chemical peeling it because when he got to the point where he had the money to have it done he decided to just stay the way he was and was happy with his clients if they too chose after the consultation to just stay the way they were too.

I decided to just leave my frown lines after one go and be a 40 yo not a 40yo trying to be something else.

The point of the story.... well thats for you to decide.

take care
:-)
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Especially when there is no cat....
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Aug 12, 2011 11:00 pm

far_eastofwest wrote:Hey Joe,

I could write a message re: its your self worth and that doesn't come from whether or not you have bad skin (very external) but I'll tell a little personal experience.

When I was about 40 I decided to upgrade my face a bit and get some botox for the frown lines (you know, fabulous at 40 apparently means looking like you are 25 not healthy and happy with laughter lines).
Anyway, found Dr Juan as the consulting cosmetic doctor at the local beauty place.
Now Dr Juan was adored by the staff and his clients alike and the staff were a bit sad he was married (he mentioned his wife quite often just to remind them).
Dr Juan was hot, gorgeous spanish man with a fantastic smile. He was also a lovely person, before he did anything to you he would tell you how you look lovely just as you are and if you went ahead it was fine but if not that was quite fine too.
He had genuine and caring attitude.
He had worked as a construction worker to put him self through his studies to become a doctor.

Now Dr Juan had skin like swiss cheese... maybe the moon's surface (but on smaller scale of course). Acne scarring from one corner of his lovely smile to the other.

But he never did anything to his own skin, no sanding it off (of course a nicer term is dermabrasion) , lazering it, chemical peeling it because when he got to the point where he had the money to have it done he decided to just stay the way he was and was happy with his clients if they too chose after the consultation to just stay the way they were too.

I decided to just leave my frown lines after one go and be a 40 yo not a 40yo trying to be something else.

The point of the story.... well thats for you to decide.

take care
:-)


Thanks for the response.

While I use to believe in god, spent my years from birth in church, praying, all for what? More suffering? Ask and you will receive? Bullshit. I've begged, I've prayed, asked for help, and I am left with scars. Jealous god? Yeah for sure. Give and just take right? Jen, you don't get it. A car accident I'd have to deal with what is. The same with waking up everyday to watch my appearance depreciate never ending. You don't know what its like. I am so pissed with god, with life, and everything. I had dreams, I made steps towards being a better person, and its all thrown back in my face literally. I just wish I could disappear or go away. I am so unhappy with life. All I hear about is financial bills and my parents problems. People are too busy with their issues to give a fuck about what I am doing or how I am. I hear more about my dad and his business and not 1 god damn time has he ever thought enough to try to get me help. Just his problems or issues. They piss me off. Life pisses me off. I never asked to be born. I never asked for anything or any of this. Its such bullshit. Its just on going suffering. I am in my early 20s and it only gets fucking worse from this. All I've ever known is suffering. I treat my body like a temple, I don't do drugs or steroids or drink. I don't party. And for all the nutrition, all the health, fitness, and lifestyle choices I've made, this is what I get?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby nightowl » Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:20 am

meetjoeblack wrote:What is even more upsetting is that, if a scar came from a car accident, it would happen and be over.

When I was 19 I went out drinking with my girlfriends. Right before I left, the bartender told me how beautiful I was. On the way home I fell asleep at the wheel and hit a tree. I smashed my face against the steering wheel, fracturing my jaw, and breaking my upper and lower teeth into pieces. Thank god I was alone; no one else was hurt.

A 19-year old girl in a society that values beauty is no longer beautiful. Oh how I wish it could have happened and been over.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't look like a monster. I still look OK, but from that moment on I spent a majority of my life wondering what could have been. I realize now it was meant to happen because it did happen. But I will say that dis-identifying from mind/body/thoughts is easy. Dis-identifying with physical appearances has been one of the hardest things ever.
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