I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Pako Chubi » Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:05 pm

meetjoeblack wrote:
smiileyjen101 wrote:Many of the things you are going through now are of the grief process - the journey between your expectation and your reality, on so many levels, not just with the loss of a person.

I don't know if I can explain, when you've been through enough things, it's like being in the ocean, sometimes it's calm and other times it's wild and stormy, sometimes you get squashed and dumped and other times you float around smiling at the new dawn - but YOU are the same no matter the conditions, the circumstances, the situation. Sure little you will bitch and moan and complain - I'm actually talking about little me here - I will still bitch and moan and complain sometimes, but there's a hollowness to it that kind of pulls me up pretty quickly because it rings 'false'.

Life is a little like that - being out in the ocean, rising and falling, storm and calm, currents and rips, sun setting and moon rising, always coldest just before the dawn of a new day.

But one thing I have learned if you are being taken by a rip or current the worst thing you can do is fight against it, far better to go with it. Most people who drown in a rip (or make a worse mess of any situation) do so because they use all their energy trying to 'fight' it (what 'is'), rather than assess it honestly and work with it. If you go with a rip it might take you somewhere you didn't plan on being (like life) if you don't panic and fight it will just take you further up the beach and leave you behind the breakers at a place that you can then catch a wave back into shore.

I've been dumped on by life's waves so many times that I actually go to the sea to stay in touch with reality and to calm me in the midst of a stormy time. The constancy of the waves, the cyclical nature of the currents and tides, the waxing and waning of the moon cycle shows me that it is all 'okay'.

The sun will rise, the storms will pass - maybe not in the way we 'expect' but in the way it really is, and that's okay too.



Thanks again Jen. I do continue to do my best but, I relapse into my own insanity at times. The madness I cannot stand. I have no outlet, friends or family I can speak to about all this. Despite my best efforts, I have come up short, and a recent venture to the doctors, a cosmetic clinic has pressed laser and fillers, all of which range into the hundreds and thousands of dollars. None of these are simple 1x treatments, all of which are expensive, likely need multiple treatments, and the expense comtinues to rise on top of my already expensive life circumstances. It just seems to get worse. Even all these treatments available, things will never be the same with my family, with my skin, and its hard to be happy about anything.

All the things I have did, given up from foods, spent countless hours on self help from Eckhart or millman or robbins, and audios on confidence or hypnosis have helped. They do have their limits or it feels it does. I am a product of my environment. It is destructive and insane yet, I am apart of it naturally. I am seeing cuts in jobs, economy is tanking, job security no longer exists, right to strike is removed, government is cutting more stuff, and life seems futile at times. I feel everything is totally outside my control and its very overwhelming. My cousin is fortunately attractive. He was talking about he would fix teeth if they were damaged. And this makes sense for me. He then went onto say, "its your face. You got to." I felt really depressed and diminished by this. I know he didn't mean it towards me but, it just doesn't seem fair and the burden seems very heavy.

Another frustrating fact at the moment, I just got red flagged at the clinic. What this means? They labeled me depressed, dealing with anxiety issues, and poorly I might add. This is my file so, when I seek support, medication or have an issue, they pretty much disregard me. Topical creams have failed. While someone, I believe a nice lady suggested seeking help or possible treatments to make things better, what needs to be done is the issue needs to be tackled first or else, I end up worse off then I am now if this is even possible to imagine. This is difficult cause it would be like our Army being sent over seas with sticks and swords to fight armies with nukes and machines. The issue isn't being addressed, all the tweaking of my health has been done. Now, in order to get on accutane, I must purchase it online or seek it on the black market. I cannot stand by and wait this out any longer. I need to get on accutane, clearly myself first, then tackle damage that has been accumulated. I got to get on with my life, mourn my family that I lost if I must, and take care of mom.

The burden is depressing. I got a picture of my high school graduation. My skin was not perfect and yet, it was still beautiful. I feel robbed of so much in life. What pains me is that, even after all that has happened, after the accident, I still get depressed about skin issues that are only skin deep? I feel like such a piece of shit that losing my sister and dad doesn't occupy my mind all the time. When I realize this and come into awareness, I get overwhelmed by guilt and depression. It subsides the moment I see a mirror, my reflection, and I am reminded about my circumstances again in life It feels bad.


Do you want to wait for resolving each one of your problems and getting everything you want in order, and then surrender, or will you surrender now to what is?

If you change some structure in your life, change the content, and then surrender, that surrender won't be authentic. But your ego will be satisfied for some time.
No surrender can be found in the future, neither realization.

Look that you are in your head. Your whole life passes through your head, and your mind resists lots of things that passes through it. When you start thinking about your life situation, be there with every cell of your body, look at that thought and realize that is just an old thought, it has nothing to do with your reality... it's just fear, just some mind made imaginated reality.

The most subtle way of resistance is thought. When you think about something... for example, you look at your face in the mirror. You think about your face, doesn't matter if it's a negative thought, neutral thought, positive thought... you are resisting reality. Reality is your face in the mirror. Any thought you add to it is a way of not being satisfied with it, negating what is.

Man, I understand you, I have also suffered a lot, until the point I thought I could not live with myself any longer (the same as you, eckhart, and many others). It's time to awake from this nightmare, and the time is now.

-You need more time until you realize that you don't need time at all, in order to be who you are. E. Tolle-

Forget for a moment about the teachings, self-help, spirituality, and use anything you got to be in the now, and realize that you don't need time for being present... you don't need to wait for the future and keep on suffering.

Lamentably, silence cannot be shared through this electronic medium.

In silence, everything is clear, all questions and answers and dubts and fears dissapear..
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Wed Mar 28, 2012 4:27 am

Pako Chubi wrote:Do you want to wait for resolving each one of your problems and getting everything you want in order, and then surrender, or will you surrender now to what is?

If you change some structure in your life, change the content, and then surrender, that surrender won't be authentic. But your ego will be satisfied for some time.
No surrender can be found in the future, neither realization.

Look that you are in your head. Your whole life passes through your head, and your mind resists lots of things that passes through it. When you start thinking about your life situation, be there with every cell of your body, look at that thought and realize that is just an old thought, it has nothing to do with your reality... it's just fear, just some mind made imaginated reality.

The most subtle way of resistance is thought. When you think about something... for example, you look at your face in the mirror. You think about your face, doesn't matter if it's a negative thought, neutral thought, positive thought... you are resisting reality. Reality is your face in the mirror. Any thought you add to it is a way of not being satisfied with it, negating what is.

Man, I understand you, I have also suffered a lot, until the point I thought I could not live with myself any longer (the same as you, eckhart, and many others). It's time to awake from this nightmare, and the time is now.

-You need more time until you realize that you don't need time at all, in order to be who you are. E. Tolle-

Forget for a moment about the teachings, self-help, spirituality, and use anything you got to be in the now, and realize that you don't need time for being present... you don't need to wait for the future and keep on suffering.

Lamentably, silence cannot be shared through this electronic medium.

In silence, everything is clear, all questions and answers and dubts and fears dissapear..


I appreciate the response but, everyday is a battle. My pain is deep and while, I choose consciously to suffer, I am reminded by a reflection or more so, an obsession with wanting to be perfect. Understand, while I had successfully dated prior to my own pain body, I have never had a gf, I have no son, my father or sis will never met a heir, a daughter, and this pains me too. My dad always asked I bring someone to dinner. Give things a chance.

When I get upset about skin or scars, about cosmetics or its effects on my life, I feel guilty cause, its time I am not mourning my dad and sis. Time not spent well with love or compassion like Jenn suggested. Its not easy and while, I know a greater fate could have been upon me but, I feel I have a heavy burden.

Eckhart speaks about being. As of now, my being is caught up in suffering and pain. This is what I feel and to deny such a thing would be insanity. I tried to seek out counsel through a priest but, I had been entirely unsuccessful, and I intend to try again. It pains me that, while my dad was here, I was a dick head, I was depressed instead of soaking up laugher or humor in the things my dad did, and enjoying his company. I didn't make a strong relationship with my sis or show never ending compassion and love.

I am so pissed with god cause, I prayed since I was 12 for some help. God only helps those who help themselves so, I found eckhart, I took anthony, millman, and Sharma. I took so much and seeked help yet, I failed. Its hard to love and accept myself at times. The worst of all is having not made good with my dad before he passed. I did and have in the past but, its something I can never get, it costs nothing yet, I'd honestly trade places with him.

In short, I feel its my fault, and I took him and her from the world, from my mom, and me.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Wed Apr 11, 2012 1:36 am

Hey guys, I got a question, and while I know this is not a medical forum, maybe you guys can think of something being in a much higher level of consciousness and less insanity going on.

I am trying to get on accutane but, after seeing a dozen doctors, none will help me out with a prescription. If this is America, I could purchase it from any sort of site, prescription free. In Canada, we have much stricter laws, specific requests from a doctor needed, one doctor told me he cannot provide me it (which I think is a lie) that, I needed to see my GP or dermatologist. I am hoping for a cancelation shortly to get into see him but, I am doubtful he will prescribe me it. In the mean time, I await possibly more cystic break outs, nodular acne, I got a pimple near my hair line. It fucking hurts. This is not my body where, I can just throw on a shirt to hide it like it isn't there. I need to work, I need to pay bills, and this is what I represent the world with. Its not right or in the slightest but fair. There is the possibility that accutane could be what removes acne for me and yet, nobody is trying in the slightest to help me.

My dermatologist is a good man and I like him. While I have no coverage, he has provided me samples in order to prevent needing to purchase it. The problem is that, cystic and nodular acne doesn't change with use of topical creams or ointments. As I stated, its hundreds and thousands for cosmetic work, for fillers or laser treatments or home kits.

I purchased accutane online from a site. I wont post it here. This was 2months ago. I am still waiting and likely, I got ripped off. At this point, I tried to seek medical help, none of which is there for me, and my doctor who offered it to me a year ago which I declined cause of the side effects or risks, would not offer it to me this time when I requested it. I spent less money this time with another site that has had much better reviews and I am hopeful it arrives ASAP. The best bet would be to get my doctor to write me the prescription but, I am not going to sit back here and do nothing. All the praying, and low GI diets or other crap I do has been futile. I got a muscular physique, six pack, I am doing runs every couple days to stay in shape. Still, I battle this crap. My dad and sis are gone yet, people who live off the system, do drugs and bottom feed in society out live them. Its such a piss off.

Besides going to the black market or going down to the states to pick it up, what else can I do?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Sun Sep 02, 2012 6:02 am

Hey guys, its been awhile. Looking for some advice.

Its been a bit. I have been busying myself with work, with going out where ever possible, and busying myself be it reading or trying new things. In this time since when I last posted, I started accutane. In terms of acne, there has never been anything better. My skin for the first time ever is clear. I am not thinking about hiding or how much I dread being near people cause of my skin. It was great. It doesn't change the few scars I do have which is still upsetting and taxing at times. So, its been personal issues with depression, acne, acne scars, the drunk driving accident that resulted in more then half my family gone, and now, its thinning, possibly balding hair. :(

Guys, it really doesn't fucking stop. When I first noticed, I thought I was paranoid so, I kept taking the medication. After family warned me, I stopped, and its been quite a few days, hair loss continues despite no longer taking it however, its slowed a lot. I can see my scalp in places especially the side of my hair. The base of my hair by my neck is thick and thick as I go up though, not as thick near the grown. I wake up with a cow lick which could be possible but, I do not want to go bald. I have despite my original thoughts on the matter surrendered to the situation. I do not want to bald but, I cannot stop this. I wish my dermatologist checked me for mpb (male pattern baldness) however, he tried to steer me away from this powerful medication before agreeing. I even went as far as to purchase it online, 1x I got ripped off btw.

So, I have read power of now, I am meditating, I am doing yoga (found videos on youtube), and exercising regularly. I need to do more cardio and really watch my diet. Since going on accutane, I get lethargic often so, I craze caffeine or anything to wake me up. I don't want to spend my life asleep but, I feel most of its been spent that way. I got complimented for my fitness by my family, cousin has been over lately so, its nice having a friend around, someone I can get out with when I do not work. I also reading a health book called a younger (thinner) you diet by Dr H Braverman. It touches on the subject of Serotonin, Dopamine, GABA, acetylcholine, how these neurotransmitters effect youth, weight, metabolism, how the body feels, operates, happiness, and so much more. I am really liking it and trying to apply the lessons it offers.

I also purchased first rate madness by Nassir Ghaemi. Its about mental health and illness. The doctor argues that there is possible reason for illness, some greater cause, and reasoning behind our imagination and comprehension. It goes onto discuss great crisis leaders like JFK, FDR, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr, and many others, how their mental illness and their ability to battle their demons helped aid in their success stepping up when their country needed them most. This stuff is empowering, very inspiring, and powerful. Its incredible feeling to know that, there is quite possibly a reason for all this, for personal suffering, experiences, and mental illness. I already believe in God but, its nice to hear actual real life circumstances and success stories.

I got suggested to take some supplements from the natural path, thistle milk for my liver, probiotics, fish oils, and a herb for my immune system. I already take protein shakes, creatine monohydrate, lots of water, and msm. Natural path are not cheap and neither are the supplements. I am trying to do my best and overcome this stuff. I have felt a great deal of peace ever since I saw him. He listened and brought up a state of sympathetic, unrest, tension, and unhappiness. He brought up the things I love having mentioned yoga, meditation, exercise, and jogging. He suggested bringing those things into my everyday life and to focus more on letting go of the things that do not matter.

I feel alright now. I am trying to fix my hair if at all possible, prevent future acne or scars but, I am feeling great at the moment. My stomach is upset so, I assume I am a bit hungry. I am trying to better my diet and my life. I find it difficult to live in a world where its very superficial, to not get caught up in that, and well, just be content? Any advice on bringing the harmonic state with me from the things I love to do?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby rideforever » Sun Sep 02, 2012 9:15 am

meetjoeblack wrote:Well, this time last year, I was out, dating, seeing girls, and having a sex life. Now, its nonexistent. I am a shell of the human being I once was and its tough. I am feeling better at the moment. Sort of unhappy, my doctor is unavailable so, I can look into cosmetics but, they are going to judge me severely and push me to spend money. If I could fix or better myself even a little, it would be great but, I know life wont be exactly great. I am trying to change that blue print, the areas in my life that need fixing but, I know a relationship with someone else wont help me cause, my relationship with myself is not great. I will lash out and reflect my own insecurities from others. I know these are my demons and I need to mastery myself in order to make something of my life. Its very difficult. I seems its very repetitious. I hate it.


SNAP - OUT - OF - IT !

Jesus Christ. You really have to stop this long story. You are in a bath of your difficulties, get out of the bath. WAKE UP.

Yes you acne is really bad. Okay. I am sorry.

But that's not really the problem. At the moment the problem is that you don't think straight, you are really caught up in this stuff.

You say you want to do something to help yourself and then you talk about cosmetics and doctors : that is just making things WORSE ! STOP.

You are alive. You are breathing. It's OK.

No, you don't look like Brad Pitt. Sorry. Maybe Angelina is not going to be your girlfriend - but someone else can be !

===============================

1. Stop obsessing about acne all day long

2. Spend more time with people, have fun, get hugged, get loved

3. Do some exercise every day

4. Go dating, and be a good man to whoever beautiful lady is sitting in front of you

5. Stop hiding and get out there - that's what courage means - do it even though it's difficult

6. If you feel really bad inside - then break down and cry and scream .... do it, do it, do it ... scream and scream and scream

7. Start NOW !
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Pako Chubi » Mon Sep 03, 2012 6:27 am

Haven't you look up to going a little bit more "natural" than doctors and cosmetics? Like alternative feeding, getting in touch with healing plants... and of course meditating a little bit. Maybe you are reading too much and meditating too little, and that's why you keep on with the same thought patterns and feeding the same fears... Becouse altough you know that there's the light of consciousness, you don't open the door to it becouse you are already too identified with your image.

The acne thing can be hormonal, psychosomatic or a product of the food you eat... Have you ever changed your eating habits? Meditated so that you feel peace throughout the day?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Pako Chubi » Mon Sep 03, 2012 7:11 am

Also...haven't you ever looked up to past lifes therapies?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:46 am

rideforever wrote:
meetjoeblack wrote:Well, this time last year, I was out, dating, seeing girls, and having a sex life. Now, its nonexistent. I am a shell of the human being I once was and its tough. I am feeling better at the moment. Sort of unhappy, my doctor is unavailable so, I can look into cosmetics but, they are going to judge me severely and push me to spend money. If I could fix or better myself even a little, it would be great but, I know life wont be exactly great. I am trying to change that blue print, the areas in my life that need fixing but, I know a relationship with someone else wont help me cause, my relationship with myself is not great. I will lash out and reflect my own insecurities from others. I know these are my demons and I need to mastery myself in order to make something of my life. Its very difficult. I seems its very repetitious. I hate it.


SNAP - OUT - OF - IT !

Jesus Christ. You really have to stop this long story. You are in a bath of your difficulties, get out of the bath. WAKE UP.

Yes you acne is really bad. Okay. I am sorry.

But that's not really the problem. At the moment the problem is that you don't think straight, you are really caught up in this stuff.

You say you want to do something to help yourself and then you talk about cosmetics and doctors : that is just making things WORSE ! STOP.

You are alive. You are breathing. It's OK.

No, you don't look like Brad Pitt. Sorry. Maybe Angelina is not going to be your girlfriend - but someone else can be !

===============================

1. Stop obsessing about acne all day long

2. Spend more time with people, have fun, get hugged, get loved

3. Do some exercise every day

4. Go dating, and be a good man to whoever beautiful lady is sitting in front of you

5. Stop hiding and get out there - that's what courage means - do it even though it's difficult

6. If you feel really bad inside - then break down and cry and scream .... do it, do it, do it ... scream and scream and scream

7. Start NOW !



That is just the thing. I have no friends. I have never had a relationship and never experienced women until I read pick up. Each time I come cross to moving towards a happiness and the good in the world, it is ripped from me, and I diminished further and further in this world or at least in the eyes of society. Screaming and crying doesn't help. It must be nice though that you have these options like hugs, fun, love, and stuff.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:01 am

Pako Chubi wrote:Haven't you look up to going a little bit more "natural" than doctors and cosmetics? Like alternative feeding, getting in touch with healing plants... and of course meditating a little bit. Maybe you are reading too much and meditating too little, and that's why you keep on with the same thought patterns and feeding the same fears... Becouse altough you know that there's the light of consciousness, you don't open the door to it becouse you are already too identified with your image.

The acne thing can be hormonal, psychosomatic or a product of the food you eat... Have you ever changed your eating habits? Meditated so that you feel peace throughout the day?


Well, I did the whole natural route before, organics, holistic nutrition, raw diet even like David Wolf suggests. More acne and a few acne scars later. It was frustration that led me away. I do continue to eat healthy balanced diet and exercise but, I seeked a dermatologist and medication. It started out with topicals, antibiotics, and that sort of thing. Natural holistic nutrition would work and then, I would break out or worse, not breakout but, get a cystic pimple. I am talking a single pimple except, it was the worst one you could ever imagine in your life a thousand times over. For starters, its massive, its embarrassing, and it takes ages to go away. For my 20th birthday, I had one on my cheek, and so, I didn't go out to celebrate. When it passed, it left me with a pock mark or acne scar. Take your pick. This depressed me greatly and so, it was after this, I went on accutane turning away from just doing holistic nutrition.

Its been awhile now. Acne is gone. My complexions hasn't been like this since before puberty. The problem is that, I am noticing hair loss. I saw a natural path doctor. For starters, its extremely expensive. An hour sit in costs more then what most people make in a day just for an hour. If that isn't expensive enough, he shows you supplements, and different things to do. It helps but, it is not cheap. It was a great experience though since, he was telling me about meditation, yoga, and the activities I love doing are needing to be taken into my regular everyday life and I need to get out of the sympathetic state. Right now, I am using some herbs, spices, teas, and some supplements to boost my immune system. For those noticing the circle I make with my problems, its cause I am ocd. So, if I fear of acne or self conscious of a scar and or hair loss, I will check it 100times over. Fearful it is worse or happening more.

I recently read a book about madness, about mental health, and the possible positive things it may offer. It spoke about the successful leaders we have had during the civil war, during the cuban missile crisis, and many others in history. Many of these leaders stepped up when the rest of the world was hiding scared under the bed. It made me realize maybe there is a more to suffering then I originally thought? Maybe there is some sort of meaning. Clearly, everyone suffers sooner or later though, it is definitely gentler with some and not so much with others. I am trying to be at peace with myself and just accept my life as it is. It was until recently, my cousin moved out, and came to live here. I recently have a new friend or family member. My mom still watches her wedding tape on repeat which I understand, she misses my dad but, it gets very depressing.

How do I avoid living in a sympathetic state and lose the tension and life suffering I have to accept one way or another? Yes, I know I probably need psychological help but, I cannot risk being put into an institution or put on lock down where, I cannot take care of my mom, and live up to the obligations I promised my father if something were to ever happen to him. I also know, if I worry about hair loss, I can speed up male pattern baldness if I have it which I hope I don't. The natural path says it will grow back unless its mpb. I am hopeful. I also pray. The suffering is a bit much but, I do have a reason and some sort of meaning. Its not easy. I am back in school, I am working, and busying myself. I even met a new girl and trying to make new friends. Life has handed me some difficult things to endure and it hasn't felt gentle.

How do you guys center yourself or find peace overcoming the ego and pain body? I recently seen a interview with Eckhart Tolle.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby rideforever » Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:46 am

meetjoeblack wrote:I have no friends. I have never had a relationship and never experienced women until I read pick up. Each time I come cross to moving towards a happiness and the good in the world, it is ripped from me, and I diminished further and further in this world or at least in the eyes of society. Screaming and crying doesn't help. It must be nice though that you have these options like hugs, fun, love, and stuff.

Why don't you have any friends ?
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.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:20 am

Not hard to imagine.

I have been doing better while working on meditation. I am doing some school. I just got bad news about a current plan I got for myself. Its a huge detour and really disappointing. I am trying to find my core purpose and make some meaning out of this. I recently went and took some action to achieve a goal I had in mind. I actually mentioned it to the family I lost my plans. I stopped making excuses and took action. Now, I am at a cross roads. I am not sure what to do. After meditation, I found myself at peace again, and now, I am back into all the noise. Its frustrating cause, I thought this new direction, and my taking action would cement something positive. I saw my horoscope and it pretty much predicted this. The worst part of this thread and everything is that, its such a waste of my life being depressed or pissy. I miss all the good stuff.

I got a new dilemma and I know its part of life and rising above those challenges. My question is that, how did you guys find purpose a midst the adversity you face? I read a book about food and since I started eating better again and getting a little exercise, I am thinking better, and much smarter. I am a little bit upset about this news. The next couple years of my life are going to take a different turn. I am sickened by the repetitious feeling of defeat. Its so diminishing or it feels. I know its just my ego and I need to do a lot more accepting. Its just not easy.

How did you guys find your purpose with all this stuff, whatever it was or is that brought you here?
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Tue Oct 02, 2012 11:28 pm

How did you guys find your purpose with all this stuff, whatever it was or is that brought you here?

By living it meet joe, just living it and learning from it.

We all have different ways of coming to our understandings. Through our own experiences and from observing others with compassion, if we are open to it rather than fearing life and all its seeming mysteries we learn, as you have, from the experiencing.

We learn what helps, what hurts more, as you have on your journey so far, we learn how to make better choices and we get better at implementing those better choices as we learn to have faith in our own abilities to respond to whatever 'is', and to recognise the falsities that are not real in this moment.

It's not a destination - the purpose of life - it's living, it's the journey of living.

What ET teaches about being present with what is right now, be that tears falling, or laughter bubbling, being with it, experiencing it, is the purpose.

Yes it can seem scary, absolutely. Yes it can hurt at times, absolutely. It is also a journey of love for self and others, of compassion for self and others, of growth seeing and celebrating it whether the growth is ours or others, of overcoming false fears and allowing the joy of the moments of joy to be without darkening them with past or future projecting into anything other than this moment.

It's living it, one moment at a time, continually learning and changing and being life - and recognising the amazing, wonder-ful journey that it is, and being grateful for the opportunities.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby sunnyjo » Thu Oct 04, 2012 11:51 am

Dear meetjoeblack

I understand the black pit where it looks you are stuck forever and the world seems hostile. I was suicidal up until very recently until an oppening happened - it really felt like the end and the inner dialogue was one of 'i just can't take it anymore'. So don't give up, this doesn't mean hope for a better time or anything but trust that this blackness is meant to be. or you could try other teachings - Jac o keefe? have you heard of her? Her book gives step by step instructions to dismantle and loosen identification and she also provides retreats. Something that I have found of great support is the teachings of Bentinho Massaro. But all has it's place and time. So, what can you do now? What resonates?

In my case, it was simply just being in the blackness completely deviod of hope everything, it didnt feel there was any other option, I did have some support along the way into and out this - pm if you would like the details. However, if there seems to be some hope or anything that would make you feel better, then go do it

Lots of love to you.
"We are the mirror, as well as the face in it"

Rumi
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby samarpana » Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:02 pm

Hi There! I am new to this site like you. I wanted to tell you that I met a guy 35 yrs ago, whom had more scars on his face and body from sever acne, and he was the most beautiful man I ever dated, and now he gives lectures around the world. Beauty is in the eyes. Beauty and handsomeness is in the way a person smiles, a special way they speak, they way they move.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Not on skin, not from makeup, nor from medical procedures.
My son has down syndrome, and even thou he looks different, i and most others see love in his eyes that make him especialy beautiful
There kids with special needs, they get picked on, looked at strange, and not too many people are truly there for them. Beautiful people see the beauty in them, in their innocence and in their eyes, and their smile and disposition.
i once looked in the mirror, at my eyes for a long time. I saw my mothers eyes, my ancestors eyes.
I saw my mothers pain and worries and her love.
Now I know my eyes are beautiful, they reflect my soul, and all the love I ever encountered.
Your eyes and smile, reflect your soul and are most unique in a quality beauty that women see, but you may not noticing.
By focusing on subtle beauty of others, peoples essence, personality, their thruthfull emotions and deep feelings, we can open up a world of beauty, that we will never learn about on TV, and by the media and by corporations, that make money by teaching us to stay blind to real beauty!
Cheers to true beauty, Sue
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby rideforever » Thu Dec 27, 2012 11:26 pm

meetjoeblack wrote:its such a waste of my life being depressed or pissy

Indeed it is. This is how humans waste 90% of their life.

When it happens, stop turn 180 degrees and face it. Totally and utterly. Face the negativity directly.

Face it, feel it in your body, accept it as part of you. Whether it is sadness, anger, depression .. whatever. No need to label it.

Just recognise it has arrived and sit and face it. Hold it in your awareness with intensity.

After some time it will dissolve and you will feel all the wasted energy returning to you in a good way, often the body feels shaking.

If you need to cry or scream when you are facing the negativity .... just do it.

Your life is precious and crying is honesty, just cry your guts out until your shirt is wet.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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