I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby abc123 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:31 am

meetjoeblack,
Nobody knows how bad you must feel and by the sound of it you do feel lost. Maybe you could try an anti-depressant type medicine to take the edge off those feelings? I have seen them work miracles in the right circumstances :-)
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Mar 14, 2012 2:09 am

My favourite quote on what makes a person beautiful, by Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:55 pm

abc123 wrote:meetjoeblack,
Nobody knows how bad you must feel and by the sound of it you do feel lost. Maybe you could try an anti-depressant type medicine to take the edge off those feelings? I have seen them work miracles in the right circumstances :-)


I appreciate the advice and support guys.

Image

Image

I feel great or I feel like blowing my brains out. Obviously, I am still rational enough not to go to that depth. I still await accutane I purchased online. I watched some tony robbins break through videos, ones about limiting beliefs, I saw ones by the girl who got attacked by the chimp or the model katie pipper, a beautiful model that got raped and burned by acid. I tear up seeing this cause, this is inhumane for anyone to do such a thing so evil, and twisted. It makes me so mad. She is so strong mentally. I wish I had her courage and spirit. She still is beautiful. I feel like such a pussy seeing someone with so much courage. I am finding role models like these women, actors like Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage or muscians liek Seal, ones that have been dealing with acne scars or lupus scars, face adversity, still ovecoming it.

I do feel frustrated at times. While I am depressed, battling deep anxiety issues, and self loathing cowardly at times, I feel better at the moment. I am seeing a cosmetic consulation but, I worry about it. For starters, they never responded to me email and its been weeks. Also, when I called, they brought up my acne scars which is very embarrassing, humiliating, and very unprofessional of a receptionist. I think this maybe a indicator of things to come. I feel fucked cause, if I do nothing, I continue the pattern, and I feel unworthy of love or a relationships. Understand this, I have never experienced this outside cold approach pick up. While I am ashamed to steep to such lows, guess what? This is the only experience i have with women and without it, I never would have experienced anything in all likelihood so, how much of that can I really regret or feel bad about? The misconception is that, the intent is to hurt and use people. The reality is that, its through that stuff, I was able to meet girls, and learn stuff to use that, give me an opportunity to meet people I never would have.


Thanks for the advice and talk guys.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:00 am

ashley72 wrote:
meetjoeblack wrote:I started to listen to the stillness inside and love myself even more. I listen to the peace inside but, I still feel I am unable to show my best self cause of my appearance.


Just keep turning attention back to the stillness "inside". Eventually your Awareness will stop identifying with those "hostile" thoughts & feelings regarding appearances. Use "suffering" to your advantage... Embrace it. Everytime you feel it's pangs of regret, Use that "Sharp Pang" to turn that belief 180 degrees around.... that's all you need to do. If your face feels ugly, look at your no-face which is perfectly transparent with no blemishes. By pointing 180 degrees back at where the face resides (without a mirror)... and taking a fresh look. What do you find? I find empty space... Awake space... Which contains the capacity for the whole world.


Thanks man but, its so hard. I saw katie pipper's video about being raped and bvurned with acid, gone from model to rape victim and ruined eye sight and burned off face for life. Where is god in all this shit? He did not choose that but, he sat back and did what? Watch? Enjoy it? Shit pisses me off. My dad and sis would be turning in their grave hearing me speak so foul and be praying for my soul but, I am fucking furious with this shit, with life, and the cruelty we experience. No miracles. Just more cosmetics.

I blow things out of proportion. Yeah, I got scars from acne and I battle acne. Its not a face full like some of the pics posted in acne.org. Still, its hurtful and diminishing. Its not in the least bit fair. Then again, what happen to Katie or the girl with the chimp attacking her was not either. Life just doesn't seem fair.

While I am greatful for the advice, many post about stillness or not eating sugar as they stuff their faces full of sugar. I read more self help books and stuff over the years then anyone my age. It did help but, things couldn't be worse then they are now. I can be greatful more having my mom, a job, and a family or what is left. It is still very difficult.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:04 am

Pako Chubi wrote:Is it so hard to be yourself? If you already are yourself, how hard could it be?
Im not talking about carring your story, all your past, I'm talking about you: who you are, right now... NOT WHAT YOUR MIND TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE
Becouse If you want to be what your mind tells you that you are, you will be in troubles... It's extremely difficult... and being what your mind WANTS you to be...it's impossible. See how you suffer, how you waste your energy just remembering constantly who "you are" each time you watch yourself on a mirror.
Stop wasting your energy, stop wasting your life: BE HERE, BE NOW, JUST BE. Don't waste this precious moment thinking about your past, thinking about your future, live this moment.
Pay attention, becouse maybe some day, you will want to start living... You will watch your mind and say: what the hell this mind is talkin' about!
And your mind is every thought that you have. EVERY ONE OF THEM.
Otherwise, "you" may kill "yourself"... And think that YOU did it... When it will be the mind the one who kills you, and you will never know it...


While I appreciate your intent, you do not feel anxiety attacks to the point of being dizy when you see your reflections. You do not feel this never ending suffering, feeling of resentment, giving up so much from foods I love all my life to social life. I was depressed about acne when I first posted. Fast forward to the present to after the accident and I been a mess. I've missed all that I had. Even what little I did have has been taking of me. In a blink, I lost half my family. Do you know what this feels like?

I promised to take care of my mom if anything ever happened. So many times in my life, moments of the day, it feels futile, and I want to pull the trigger. I just want it to end. I never asked for life or death. I never wanted any of it. I wont change any of this shit no matter what I do or how hard I try. After my mom passes, what is there left for me?

I wont give up but, at times, I really have had enough. Its not in the least bit fair.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:40 am

I promised to take care of my mom if anything ever happened. So many times in my life, moments of the day, it feels futile, and I want to pull the trigger. I just want it to end. I never asked for life or death. I never wanted any of it. I wont change any of this shit no matter what I do or how hard I try. After my mom passes, what is there left for me?

I wont give up but, at times, I really have had enough. Its not in the least bit fair.

Joeblack the reality is no, life isn't 'fair' - whoever/whatever gave you the idea that it was?

But, it can be an amazing and beautiful experience, even in the face of adversity. Adjust to that reality, recognise that your expectations are false and deal with the reality as some of your new found heroes have.

As a Mum, I would want to know that you are feeling the way that you are feeling. You have each other, it's not a one-way street.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:31 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
I promised to take care of my mom if anything ever happened. So many times in my life, moments of the day, it feels futile, and I want to pull the trigger. I just want it to end. I never asked for life or death. I never wanted any of it. I wont change any of this shit no matter what I do or how hard I try. After my mom passes, what is there left for me?

I wont give up but, at times, I really have had enough. Its not in the least bit fair.

Joeblack the reality is no, life isn't 'fair' - whoever/whatever gave you the idea that it was?

But, it can be an amazing and beautiful experience, even in the face of adversity. Adjust to that reality, recognise that your expectations are false and deal with the reality as some of your new found heroes have.

As a Mum, I would want to know that you are feeling the way that you are feeling. You have each other, it's not a one-way street.


I am greatful. Its time away from what you guys do or where ever you are to share something with me. Its still up to me to do something with it.

It pains me. I cannot stand myself or the circumstances I got in life. Its not even remotely fair but, I have found even worse situations, experiences others have gone through, endured, and over come. Katie Pipper is a inspirational person to me. I think having it all and losing it is more difficult then never having.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1ngOto1BmY

Its incredible what some people over come. Rape, burned in the face with acid? Model and everything lost in a instant. What a peace of shit. I am disgusted with myself how low I can get and yet, someone like her can be so strong with what she is battling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I85Cj5wi ... re=related

Seeing this, a man losing his ability to move, instantly paralyzed in moments after a car accident when his friend falls asleep, and still finding peace with his wife is really inspiring.

Its infuriating how things go in life. How someone passes out in a car and yet, someone innocent is paralyzed. How someone fucked up can mutilate someone's face? How a father and daughter's life is lost cause some piece of shit drinks and drives?

Its not easy. I am inspired by these people. I am inspired that, I am still alive, and I break away from self loathing. At times, I relapse into depression or anxiety. I feel sorry for myself, for my family, and circumstances. A boy on youtube sent me a message. I suppose I probably had left something negative or not that productive and he shared some good advice like you guys have. Its not easy and I know, with each passing day, I waste it when I dewell on this bullshit, on things I cannot change. At times, I wish I was in the accident, I wish I could trade places, and be outside all this. This is not what happened. It doesn't seem fair but, I need to find some meaning behind all this?

The boy he messaged me said that, I will find something good about all this burden, and pain once I begin to accept it. That the shit tests that life throws my way I wont tolerate or mess up cause, I have built up too much emotional strength to a point where, nothing can hurt or break me, and I can succeed. I have a strong pain body as I have openly expressed it on here several times where, I lose myself in complete insanity and unhappiness or self loathing and depression. I want to help others. I just need to help get myself out of this unresourceful state so, I can help others and see the beauty in the world.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 5:03 am

I see you turning the corner joeblack.

Look at these 'labels' you've selected to express your feelings, just in this last post -
pains me
not fair
disgusted

But overwhelmingly balanced by looking out at a bigger picture -
grateful
incredible
endured
overcome
inspirational
inspiring
not easy but inspired
beauty in the world


Know firstly, you are not alone in your suffering or in your journey into seeing the beauty in spite of the pain.
That you are not alone in looking around from a very dark place and seeing others who have climbed out of the well of despair. That you too have two hands - one to help yourself, and (eventually when you're able) one to reach out to help another.
That while we may not know it all in the here and now, we can eventually accept that our back was made for our (own) burden and that 'with love and compassion' all things are bearable.

Do you know what it is that makes these inspirational people shine so brightly that you can see them in your darkness?
It's love.
Turn your own light on and shine.
The purest gold has been through the hottest of fires and knows no thing can ever take away its purity, its essence.


How do you handle this?

By putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering to breathe.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby Sighclone » Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:47 am

Joe -

Go here, spend $10 and read a short book by Scott Kiloby called "Doorway to total Liberation" -- pay special attention to the discussion of anger. Also, he helps people on-line at kiloby.com.

He had a rough life also -- like 20 years of active substance addiction.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:09 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:I see you turning the corner joeblack.

Look at these 'labels' you've selected to express your feelings, just in this last post -
pains me
not fair
disgusted

But overwhelmingly balanced by looking out at a bigger picture -
grateful
incredible
endured
overcome
inspirational
inspiring
not easy but inspired
beauty in the world


Know firstly, you are not alone in your suffering or in your journey into seeing the beauty in spite of the pain.
That you are not alone in looking around from a very dark place and seeing others who have climbed out of the well of despair. That you too have two hands - one to help yourself, and (eventually when you're able) one to reach out to help another.
That while we may not know it all in the here and now, we can eventually accept that our back was made for our (own) burden and that 'with love and compassion' all things are bearable.

Do you know what it is that makes these inspirational people shine so brightly that you can see them in your darkness?
It's love.
Turn your own light on and shine.
The purest gold has been through the hottest of fires and knows no thing can ever take away its purity, its essence.


How do you handle this?

By putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering to breathe.


Jen, I am a guy. I don't want to feel vulnerable or plagued or even cursed. I got my mom to take care of. I am the man of the house but, its a huge cross to bare at times. I read Eckhart and I feel that stillness speaks. I listen to my breathing but, then I see my scar or scars and acne or a break out and maybe see a photo of my family I lost, and I go into depression. Full anxiety attack, almost dizzy to the point of falling, worked right up into a unresourceful state. I feel unloved at times. I feel I hate myself at times and do disconnected. Before, I felt horrible about how well I ate, how I could have a six pack, eat great, and yet, battle acne? Worse, to have face scars as if I was some accident victim?

Seeing Katie Piper, the acid burns, the woman who had her face ripped off by a chimp or the poor guy who was paralyzed when his friend fell asleep at the wheel makes me feel greatful and yet, shamed that I get this way. I miss my family so much. Its things like my dad offering me to drive home or going to my sister's dance ricitals or soccer practice or games. I wonder what could have been? After the funeral, a beautiful girl smiled at me coming out of a coffee shop and instead of apporaching her, I was too stuck in my head with everything going on. Still, I hate myself for missing opportunities and having excuses. I heard a girl I met a long time, a really beautiful girl and awesome person bought a copy of power of now and a new earth. She lives a fair distance from me but, I plan to see her soon. I am not expressing a romantic interest but, we have a good friendship. It shocks me that, while I have been going through such a rough time, she has too but, she is one of these people that hides it well. I do too. I feel okay to seek help online but, in my own life, I try mybest to hide this sort of vulnerable side. I am hurting though.

There was a guy that used to do all the approaching and self development stuff but, he has since pursued a different dream. He told me that, most people do not even see our flaws and yet, we do and we dissect ourselves. I met a girl recently. She says she is excited to hangout but, we shall see. I regret and dislike I never brought a girl over for dinner like my dad asked. I regret that I will never show him a son or daughter or a wife. I wish I spent more time with my sister and dad. I lost faith in God or in all the things I believed in. In heaven, in hell. Maybe not hell cause, I feel I am here now. Life feels like a nightmare but, I am still reisisting all this. Some friends online in another forum recommended talking to a priest. I was depressed before the accident. Since, I am trying to pick up the pieces. Thanks Jen. I am trying but, I do relapse like an addict.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:11 am

Sighclone wrote:Joe -

Go here, spend $10 and read a short book by Scott Kiloby called "Doorway to total Liberation" -- pay special attention to the discussion of anger. Also, he helps people on-line at kiloby.com.

He had a rough life also -- like 20 years of active substance addiction.

Andy


Thanks Mod Andy. I wll check this out. I am a huge fan of self help stuff and I want inspiration. I don't want to live in regret or through my pain body. Its destroyed too much happiness already. I wish I gave a nicer self to my dad and sis. I wont make the same mistake with my mom. I would always feel so burdened by acne. I never knew how much worse it could be till scars and then worse, the accident, and losing half my family or more. Thanks for the recommendation. I will check this out.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:30 am

I am hurting though.

Whether you're a guy or not joe, this is the reality.
The journey of grief - whatever the grief is for, is something you can learn valuable lessons from.

I am the man of the house but, its a huge cross to bare at times.

It is also an immense privilege, which I'm sure you are aware of.

You are being given the opportunity to learn one of THE most valuable lessons in life. This is your wake up call joe black - there is only THIS moment to BE love. Employ this from the knowledge gained from your experiences this far and you will never have another regret again.

You know Joe, I do understand how hard it all is. I do understand the regrets, the if-only, the incomprehensibleness of the reality, the seeming unfairness of it all. The seeming promises of life that will be unfulfilled - but you know what, if we sit quietly, we realise we made those promises up in our minds.

None of them were of the moment and no thing can be lived except in this moment.

Of course there is still the ...but what about ....? I can only tell you, you will suffer less and cause less suffering if you answer all of those things 'with love and compassion' rather than with outrage and anger.
How do you handle your acne - with love and compassion.
How do you handle your Mum - with love and compassion.
How do you handle your grief - with love and compassion.
How do you handle other people - including those involved in the accident - with love and compassion.

And no, I'm not telling you it's easy, or even easier, nor is there anything in it for your ego - it just is - for its own sake.
If you reflect now on those you've found inspiring - would you agree that they are responding to their situations with love and compassion? Are they in the moment grateful and feel blessed?

If I can suggest more great reading there was a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote about 20 books on grief, grieving, death and dying. They are a godsend for anyone going through the grieving process. My favourite is called Death is of Vital Importance. It helps to put your emotions into context.

I would also recommend that one for your Mum.

And another I would recommend is called Secrets of a Bullet Proof Spirit by Azim Khamisa who on learning of his son being shot in a random shooting said 'There are two victims here, one on each end of the gun'. He is incredibly inspirational and teaches much about responding to life's reality with love and compassion. He is joined in authoring that book by a lady called Jillian Quinn. It's subtitled 30 key strategies to bounce back from life's hardest hits.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:44 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
I am hurting though.

Whether you're a guy or not joe, this is the reality.
The journey of grief - whatever the grief is for, is something you can learn valuable lessons from.

I am the man of the house but, its a huge cross to bare at times.

It is also an immense privilege, which I'm sure you are aware of.

You are being given the opportunity to learn one of THE most valuable lessons in life. This is your wake up call joe black - there is only THIS moment to BE love. Employ this from the knowledge gained from your experiences this far and you will never have another regret again.

You know Joe, I do understand how hard it all is. I do understand the regrets, the if-only, the incomprehensibleness of the reality, the seeming unfairness of it all. The seeming promises of life that will be unfulfilled - but you know what, if we sit quietly, we realise we made those promises up in our minds.

None of them were of the moment and no thing can be lived except in this moment.

Of course there is still the ...but what about ....? I can only tell you, you will suffer less and cause less suffering if you answer all of those things 'with love and compassion' rather than with outrage and anger.
How do you handle your acne - with love and compassion.
How do you handle your Mum - with love and compassion.
How do you handle your grief - with love and compassion.
How do you handle other people - including those involved in the accident - with love and compassion.

And no, I'm not telling you it's easy, or even easier, nor is there anything in it for your ego - it just is - for its own sake.
If you reflect now on those you've found inspiring - would you agree that they are responding to their situations with love and compassion? Are they in the moment grateful and feel blessed?

If I can suggest more great reading there was a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote about 20 books on grief, grieving, death and dying. They are a godsend for anyone going through the grieving process. My favourite is called Death is of Vital Importance. It helps to put your emotions into context.

I would also recommend that one for your Mum.

And another I would recommend is called Secrets of a Bullet Proof Spirit by Azim Khamisa who on learning of his son being shot in a random shooting said 'There are two victims here, one on each end of the gun'. He is incredibly inspirational and teaches much about responding to life's reality with love and compassion. He is joined in authoring that book by a lady called Jillian Quinn. It's subtitled 30 key strategies to bounce back from life's hardest hits.


There is a pua instructor named owen goes by the allias tyler durdan from real social dynamics suggested 10day mental challenge by tony Robbins and power of now, meditation.

I need to meditate more. I am not one of these people all self conscious who hates his appearance. I am actually fortunate but, unfortunate in scars and acne. I ordered accutane online which is likely not a smart move to self medicate but, I refuse to let things get worse. Not sure how this is possible. At the moment, I feel better but, I relapse quite a bit. Its exciting, i met a girl that says she is excited to get together though, i am not exactly holding my breathe. I just came so far and then, everything felt like a lost cause. Its not really fair but, I am trying my best to coop.

I was depressed prior to the accident long when this thread had first started nevermind the accident. I use to get depressed about just acne nevermind scars forming or losing family in a accident. It sucks cause, its so out of control, and life feels this way. Reading Tony Robbins, i am seeking role models, people that motivate, and inspire me by showing courage a midst adversity, similar or far worse circumstances, and have over come. I need to meditate much more. There is a girl from my gym I want to meet and ask out. I have had my opportunities and I have failed to close the deal or at least take a chance. This pisses me off cause, before all this crap happened in my life, I would not hold back or miss these kinds of chances.

I always wonder, what if life had been different? How much more confident could I be that was not ego ridden or based? How much more free could I be? Its one of these things, Iw ill just never know. I want to increase my workout, my health, my fitness, and develop a relationship starting with myself only to eventually lead to a intimate one. I know I need to get myself fixed and sorted out first before that to happen.

What is very demotivating is seeking self help, seeking all these resources, stepping outside myself to be a new, and more better confident me only to be taking back my outside circumstances. I came so far and I am start off at an even worse spot then I was originally. I got pics and videos of girls I met, of things I did, things I accomplished, places I been, and heights I reached. At the end of the 2010 year, I felt on top of the world having reached goals, and stepping into a new more confident self. Then, in 2011 my life just came undone. Its never been the same and it never will be the same again. Its so hard to accept and over come.

I know I could drink my life away or be a drug addict but, what purpose would this serve? At times, I feel like giving up cause, my best was not good enough but, my dad didn't raise a pussy or a loser that just gives up. Jen, its not easy. I am still trying.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby smiileyjen101 » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:22 am

Many of the things you are going through now are of the grief process - the journey between your expectation and your reality, on so many levels, not just with the loss of a person.

I don't know if I can explain, when you've been through enough things, it's like being in the ocean, sometimes it's calm and other times it's wild and stormy, sometimes you get squashed and dumped and other times you float around smiling at the new dawn - but YOU are the same no matter the conditions, the circumstances, the situation. Sure little you will bitch and moan and complain - I'm actually talking about little me here - I will still bitch and moan and complain sometimes, but there's a hollowness to it that kind of pulls me up pretty quickly because it rings 'false'.

Life is a little like that - being out in the ocean, rising and falling, storm and calm, currents and rips, sun setting and moon rising, always coldest just before the dawn of a new day.

But one thing I have learned if you are being taken by a rip or current the worst thing you can do is fight against it, far better to go with it. Most people who drown in a rip (or make a worse mess of any situation) do so because they use all their energy trying to 'fight' it (what 'is'), rather than assess it honestly and work with it. If you go with a rip it might take you somewhere you didn't plan on being (like life) if you don't panic and fight it will just take you further up the beach and leave you behind the breakers at a place that you can then catch a wave back into shore.

I've been dumped on by life's waves so many times that I actually go to the sea to stay in touch with reality and to calm me in the midst of a stormy time. The constancy of the waves, the cyclical nature of the currents and tides, the waxing and waning of the moon cycle shows me that it is all 'okay'.

The sun will rise, the storms will pass - maybe not in the way we 'expect' but in the way it really is, and that's okay too.
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Re: I've battled my pain body for a decade, I need help!

Postby meetjoeblack » Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:47 pm

smiileyjen101 wrote:Many of the things you are going through now are of the grief process - the journey between your expectation and your reality, on so many levels, not just with the loss of a person.

I don't know if I can explain, when you've been through enough things, it's like being in the ocean, sometimes it's calm and other times it's wild and stormy, sometimes you get squashed and dumped and other times you float around smiling at the new dawn - but YOU are the same no matter the conditions, the circumstances, the situation. Sure little you will bitch and moan and complain - I'm actually talking about little me here - I will still bitch and moan and complain sometimes, but there's a hollowness to it that kind of pulls me up pretty quickly because it rings 'false'.

Life is a little like that - being out in the ocean, rising and falling, storm and calm, currents and rips, sun setting and moon rising, always coldest just before the dawn of a new day.

But one thing I have learned if you are being taken by a rip or current the worst thing you can do is fight against it, far better to go with it. Most people who drown in a rip (or make a worse mess of any situation) do so because they use all their energy trying to 'fight' it (what 'is'), rather than assess it honestly and work with it. If you go with a rip it might take you somewhere you didn't plan on being (like life) if you don't panic and fight it will just take you further up the beach and leave you behind the breakers at a place that you can then catch a wave back into shore.

I've been dumped on by life's waves so many times that I actually go to the sea to stay in touch with reality and to calm me in the midst of a stormy time. The constancy of the waves, the cyclical nature of the currents and tides, the waxing and waning of the moon cycle shows me that it is all 'okay'.

The sun will rise, the storms will pass - maybe not in the way we 'expect' but in the way it really is, and that's okay too.



Thanks again Jen. I do continue to do my best but, I relapse into my own insanity at times. The madness I cannot stand. I have no outlet, friends or family I can speak to about all this. Despite my best efforts, I have come up short, and a recent venture to the doctors, a cosmetic clinic has pressed laser and fillers, all of which range into the hundreds and thousands of dollars. None of these are simple 1x treatments, all of which are expensive, likely need multiple treatments, and the expense comtinues to rise on top of my already expensive life circumstances. It just seems to get worse. Even all these treatments available, things will never be the same with my family, with my skin, and its hard to be happy about anything.

All the things I have did, given up from foods, spent countless hours on self help from Eckhart or millman or robbins, and audios on confidence or hypnosis have helped. They do have their limits or it feels it does. I am a product of my environment. It is destructive and insane yet, I am apart of it naturally. I am seeing cuts in jobs, economy is tanking, job security no longer exists, right to strike is removed, government is cutting more stuff, and life seems futile at times. I feel everything is totally outside my control and its very overwhelming. My cousin is fortunately attractive. He was talking about he would fix teeth if they were damaged. And this makes sense for me. He then went onto say, "its your face. You got to." I felt really depressed and diminished by this. I know he didn't mean it towards me but, it just doesn't seem fair and the burden seems very heavy.

Another frustrating fact at the moment, I just got red flagged at the clinic. What this means? They labeled me depressed, dealing with anxiety issues, and poorly I might add. This is my file so, when I seek support, medication or have an issue, they pretty much disregard me. Topical creams have failed. While someone, I believe a nice lady suggested seeking help or possible treatments to make things better, what needs to be done is the issue needs to be tackled first or else, I end up worse off then I am now if this is even possible to imagine. This is difficult cause it would be like our Army being sent over seas with sticks and swords to fight armies with nukes and machines. The issue isn't being addressed, all the tweaking of my health has been done. Now, in order to get on accutane, I must purchase it online or seek it on the black market. I cannot stand by and wait this out any longer. I need to get on accutane, clearly myself first, then tackle damage that has been accumulated. I got to get on with my life, mourn my family that I lost if I must, and take care of mom.

The burden is depressing. I got a picture of my high school graduation. My skin was not perfect and yet, it was still beautiful. I feel robbed of so much in life. What pains me is that, even after all that has happened, after the accident, I still get depressed about skin issues that are only skin deep? I feel like such a piece of shit that losing my sister and dad doesn't occupy my mind all the time. When I realize this and come into awareness, I get overwhelmed by guilt and depression. It subsides the moment I see a mirror, my reflection, and I am reminded about my circumstances again in life It feels bad.
meetjoeblack
 
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