Do you want to wait for resolving each one of your problems and getting everything you want in order, and then surrender, or will you surrender now to what is?meetjoeblack wrote:smiileyjen101 wrote:Many of the things you are going through now are of the grief process - the journey between your expectation and your reality, on so many levels, not just with the loss of a person.
I don't know if I can explain, when you've been through enough things, it's like being in the ocean, sometimes it's calm and other times it's wild and stormy, sometimes you get squashed and dumped and other times you float around smiling at the new dawn - but YOU are the same no matter the conditions, the circumstances, the situation. Sure little you will bitch and moan and complain - I'm actually talking about little me here - I will still bitch and moan and complain sometimes, but there's a hollowness to it that kind of pulls me up pretty quickly because it rings 'false'.
Life is a little like that - being out in the ocean, rising and falling, storm and calm, currents and rips, sun setting and moon rising, always coldest just before the dawn of a new day.
But one thing I have learned if you are being taken by a rip or current the worst thing you can do is fight against it, far better to go with it. Most people who drown in a rip (or make a worse mess of any situation) do so because they use all their energy trying to 'fight' it (what 'is'), rather than assess it honestly and work with it. If you go with a rip it might take you somewhere you didn't plan on being (like life) if you don't panic and fight it will just take you further up the beach and leave you behind the breakers at a place that you can then catch a wave back into shore.
I've been dumped on by life's waves so many times that I actually go to the sea to stay in touch with reality and to calm me in the midst of a stormy time. The constancy of the waves, the cyclical nature of the currents and tides, the waxing and waning of the moon cycle shows me that it is all 'okay'.
The sun will rise, the storms will pass - maybe not in the way we 'expect' but in the way it really is, and that's okay too.
Thanks again Jen. I do continue to do my best but, I relapse into my own insanity at times. The madness I cannot stand. I have no outlet, friends or family I can speak to about all this. Despite my best efforts, I have come up short, and a recent venture to the doctors, a cosmetic clinic has pressed laser and fillers, all of which range into the hundreds and thousands of dollars. None of these are simple 1x treatments, all of which are expensive, likely need multiple treatments, and the expense comtinues to rise on top of my already expensive life circumstances. It just seems to get worse. Even all these treatments available, things will never be the same with my family, with my skin, and its hard to be happy about anything.
All the things I have did, given up from foods, spent countless hours on self help from Eckhart or millman or robbins, and audios on confidence or hypnosis have helped. They do have their limits or it feels it does. I am a product of my environment. It is destructive and insane yet, I am apart of it naturally. I am seeing cuts in jobs, economy is tanking, job security no longer exists, right to strike is removed, government is cutting more stuff, and life seems futile at times. I feel everything is totally outside my control and its very overwhelming. My cousin is fortunately attractive. He was talking about he would fix teeth if they were damaged. And this makes sense for me. He then went onto say, "its your face. You got to." I felt really depressed and diminished by this. I know he didn't mean it towards me but, it just doesn't seem fair and the burden seems very heavy.
Another frustrating fact at the moment, I just got red flagged at the clinic. What this means? They labeled me depressed, dealing with anxiety issues, and poorly I might add. This is my file so, when I seek support, medication or have an issue, they pretty much disregard me. Topical creams have failed. While someone, I believe a nice lady suggested seeking help or possible treatments to make things better, what needs to be done is the issue needs to be tackled first or else, I end up worse off then I am now if this is even possible to imagine. This is difficult cause it would be like our Army being sent over seas with sticks and swords to fight armies with nukes and machines. The issue isn't being addressed, all the tweaking of my health has been done. Now, in order to get on accutane, I must purchase it online or seek it on the black market. I cannot stand by and wait this out any longer. I need to get on accutane, clearly myself first, then tackle damage that has been accumulated. I got to get on with my life, mourn my family that I lost if I must, and take care of mom.
The burden is depressing. I got a picture of my high school graduation. My skin was not perfect and yet, it was still beautiful. I feel robbed of so much in life. What pains me is that, even after all that has happened, after the accident, I still get depressed about skin issues that are only skin deep? I feel like such a piece of shit that losing my sister and dad doesn't occupy my mind all the time. When I realize this and come into awareness, I get overwhelmed by guilt and depression. It subsides the moment I see a mirror, my reflection, and I am reminded about my circumstances again in life It feels bad.
If you change some structure in your life, change the content, and then surrender, that surrender won't be authentic. But your ego will be satisfied for some time.
No surrender can be found in the future, neither realization.
Look that you are in your head. Your whole life passes through your head, and your mind resists lots of things that passes through it. When you start thinking about your life situation, be there with every cell of your body, look at that thought and realize that is just an old thought, it has nothing to do with your reality... it's just fear, just some mind made imaginated reality.
The most subtle way of resistance is thought. When you think about something... for example, you look at your face in the mirror. You think about your face, doesn't matter if it's a negative thought, neutral thought, positive thought... you are resisting reality. Reality is your face in the mirror. Any thought you add to it is a way of not being satisfied with it, negating what is.
Man, I understand you, I have also suffered a lot, until the point I thought I could not live with myself any longer (the same as you, eckhart, and many others). It's time to awake from this nightmare, and the time is now.
-You need more time until you realize that you don't need time at all, in order to be who you are. E. Tolle-
Forget for a moment about the teachings, self-help, spirituality, and use anything you got to be in the now, and realize that you don't need time for being present... you don't need to wait for the future and keep on suffering.
Lamentably, silence cannot be shared through this electronic medium.
In silence, everything is clear, all questions and answers and dubts and fears dissapear..