On the wings of a butterfly

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On the wings of a butterfly

Postby magicbutterfly » Thu Nov 10, 2011 7:52 am

Hello everyone. I want to share with you how I came to this place in my life.

About thirty years ago I was in a relationship with a man (J) where I was constantly in the now. When we met I felt like I was struck by lightning, rooted to the spot, unable to think, buzzing with energy. From then on, I was always in the right place, with the right man, at the right time, doing the right thing. This feeling of presence lasted three whole years and even after he left me, any time I saw him I would be in the now, buzzing. :idea:

However, my pain body regularly rose up and hurt J. It felt like there were two of me, my evil twin and me, and now I know it was my pain body. It would insult him, tell him that he wasn't good enough for me, and so on. Yet at other times we connected deeply and I loved him. After three years of putting up with my pain body, J finally ended it.

At first I went into shock for several months. Then I went through a nervous breakdown. Later I begun to search for another man with whom I could feel the same way but without success. I kept hitting a wall of pain that I couldn't get through: I had bliss with J; he didn't want me; pain; ok, acceptance, let go; no pain; meet another man; no bliss; leave; need bliss; had it with J; back to J; pain;..... I was banging my head against this wall not knowing the way out. It became a cycle in my life for the next 25 years. The only time I felt present and in the moment was when I was sailing, my other passion but it wasn't the same as having it with a man. I wanted it with a man the same way I had it with J.

One day I found The Power of Now in a bookstore and it finally explained to me what I had experienced with J. I also saw that I could create this feeling at any time. It was not as easy or as intense as with J but at least now I knew the process. It took another ten years before I wrote to J and explained everything as I now understood it, but he said that he didn't feel the same thing and was not interested in pursuing it. It was finally then that I was able to let him go. We separated like oil and water.

A week later I recognized the same presence in another man (Y). It has been an interesting relationship because I am using it for my spiritual practice to be more present and to transform my pain body. Y is not in the same conscious place as I am and I find it interesting to watch his pain body erupt, just like it did for me in my relationship with J.

The biggest aspect of my pain body has been fear of judgment and rejection, so now I welcome both of those with open arms grateful that I can use this energy for my transformation. It has been a long, difficult and lonely road... and I am grateful to be here now.
Last edited by magicbutterfly on Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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Re: Fear of judgment and rejection

Postby runstrails » Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:18 am

Welcome, magic butterfly. Thanks for sharing. I'm enjoying your posts and look forward to more of your contributions.
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Re: Fear of judgment and rejection

Postby magicbutterfly » Fri Nov 11, 2011 7:27 am

Thanks, runstrails. I've been reading for the past two days and soooo at peace to be here among people/souls who finally understand.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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Re: Fear of judgment and rejection

Postby snowheight » Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:30 pm

Welcome magic. Very glad you found us.
Stop talking. Hear every sound as background. Look straight ahead and focus. Take one deep breath. This is you. This is Now.
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Re: On the wings of a butterfly

Postby kiki » Fri Nov 11, 2011 11:46 pm

Welcome to the board. Enjoy.

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Re: On the wings of a butterfly

Postby magicbutterfly » Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:14 am

Now, what I wish had happened in my relationship with J, if he had been fully conscious and not dealing with his own pain body, was that he could have loved me unconditionally, recognized that the bad behaviour was due to my pain body and hold this bad behaviour in his presence, observe it and this way let me see it for what it was so that I could transmute it into consciousness. Like ET says on page 96 of PtPON.

When your partner behaves unconsciously, relinquish all judgement. Judgment is either to confuse someone's unconscious behaviour with who they are or to project your own unconsciousness onto another person and mistake that for who they are.

To relinquish judgment does not mean that you do not recognize dysfunction and unconsciousness when you see it. It means "being the knowing" rather than "being the reaction" and the judge. You will then either be totally free of reaction or you may react and still be the knowing, the space in which the reaction is watched and allowed to be. Instead of fighting the darkness, you bring in the light. Instead of reaction to delusion, you see the delusion yet at the same time look through it.


Of course, J couldn't have done that and I had no idea what was happening to me either and so we had to part. Yet, this relationship gave me a window to what could be. I had no idea then that I could be part of that creative process; I thought that with the right person, this would automatically happen. The search for my second "soulmate" begun. I now wonder if this is partly what playboys, who pursue one night stands or short relationships with many women are searching for as well. When the rush of the "being in the now" through intense connection ends, they think the problem lies with the woman and not with their own pain body.

I see this problem of the pain body and love in literature and film as well. Richard Bach in Bridge Across Forever; Scarlett in Gone With the Wind; Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons come to mind. The moral in Dangerous Liaisons was that vanity (ego) and love can not coexist. Only now I understand what it means. :idea:
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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