Tell your life story.

fnktrry
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Tell your life story.

Post by fnktrry » Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:11 pm

In 200 words or less tell the story of your life, the emotional part, the part that follows you each day...

Not to judge it, just to see it, share it..as humans.

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kiki
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Post by kiki » Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:31 pm

You first.

fnktrry
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Post by fnktrry » Wed Jun 06, 2007 5:10 pm

Okay, fair enough.

I'm scared of being in the company of two or more people. I'm literally half way around the world from my family, country of birth. I'm in a country where I can't speak the language, have no friends. I've never had a girlfriend, never been comfortable around people and I long for intimacy. I have social phobia.

That's my story, abridged! There's other stuff about my father/mother but it doesn't have a narrative...I carry them around in my head and talk to them, relate to them like I'm not able to in 'real' life. Even though I'm 28 I still want them to 'love me'.

Egoically, I look up to spiritual 'loners' and I guess I'm a hermit. It's just a story, but tomorrow morning I'm waking up to it!

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Post by kiki » Wed Jun 06, 2007 9:33 pm

This is my favorite part:
fnktrry wrote:Egoically, I look up to spiritual 'loners' and I guess I'm a hermit. It's just a story, but tomorrow morning I'm waking up to it!
In 200 words or less tell the story of your life, the emotional part, the part that follows you each day...
I had anxiety about my future, especially career wise. I graduated near the top of my class in high school, went on to college but still struggled with finding my place in life. I dropped out and went into the Marine Corps hoping my life path would clarify. It didn't and I worried more because everyone had high expectations of me. I returned to college and met the love of my life but got dumped and depression followed. I feared that I'd never meet that special someone.

I learned to meditate and anesthetized my wounds but they remained just below the surface - depression was actively supressed but I put on a face that said otherwise. I felt like a hypocrite. I kept seeking fulfillment through meditation and finally tired of the search for happiness and mate. At this point ET popped into my life and everything suddenly clarified. Burdens of future and mate dissolved and great relief was found.

Now I carry the following emotional turmoil around each day:




































....................
The story has ended and I am complete just as I am. Others see me as a hermit but I don't see myself as anything.

------------------

That was a challenging exercise. Thanks for the thread.

Ives
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Post by Ives » Fri Jun 08, 2007 1:04 am

I was a normal kid, who grew up in the theocracy of Ireland in the late fifties and early sixties.
Then, living in Holland, at age 21, completely uncalled for, I had an extraordinary spiritual awakening. I didn’t even know what to call it at the time. It lasted about a year… and then I sank into a very low state.
I turned to psychology for explanations. My hero became Arthur Janov, the author of The Primal Scream. He at least explained what this pain was that I felt inside.

At age 30, after travelling the world and living in about seven different countries, I entered a Gurdjieff group in New York and finally began to “understand” what had happened to me at age 21.
I then (in 1988) started trying – wrongly – to crawl my way back to that state, to those highs. Meditation and various other techniques were attempted and time passed. I finally settled in one country, Italy, got married, had a kid.

But the techniques weren’t working, though the desire for presence remained. Then I discovered Eckhart Tolle. The longing for presence was transformed into real presence.
Strange coincidence: I discovered ET the same week I told my wife that our marriage was over.
As Edith Piaf sang: Je ne regrette rien. *


218 words, phew!
Good exercise for the brain.
* I regret nothing.

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Post by eseward » Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:55 pm

Awesome story, Ives! :)

Ives
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Post by Ives » Sat Jun 09, 2007 4:19 pm

Thanks.
When you're forced to be so concise about your life story, it’s amazing the things that recede into insignificance: jobs, money, love affairs, culture, friends, politics, family, career.
As can be seen from the three examples above, what comes to the fore is consciousness and its dark underbelly the pain-body.
I suppose there's a lesson there.

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Post by Agnieszka » Sat Jun 09, 2007 5:14 pm

I'm still a far way back, it seems, because I cannot say, like you, that FINALLY I'm at peace.

Et has been a breakthrough in my life. And thanks to his most clear way of explaining how to deal with ourselves, now I can FINALLY fight my own demons.

I was born in Warsaw in the midst of the communist regime. I have always been a nervous, impatient and emotional person. I was, so to say, "skinless" and could feel too much of everything, all injustice, cruelty, indifference of the world, or so it seemed to me then. I was impatient, dissatisfied, always wanting something from others, expecting love, care, attention, anything but that which I received. Part of my problem was due to my father's role - he was and still is a well-known actor and I grew up in father's shadow. I wanted to be with people and, at the same time, I ran away from them. Even today that restlesness is present. E.g. whenever I write on this forum, meditate or read, I feel that I should be doing something else instead, something "useful", some work, etc. :lol:
There has also been a feeling of love and compassion for animals in me for as long as I can remember. It's a kind of love that hurts (I suffered with all the animals in the world, so it's a true "com-passion" :D )
That chronic feeling of restlesness and dissatisfaction led me first to litres of wine and second to tranquilizers. After several years, with the help of those same psychiatrists who had effectively helped in my addiction, I got out and immediately started to meditate - as a substitute for tranquilizers. :D

Now meditation, yoga and self-observation become my daily habit. I'm in three jobs :D : writing, face reflexology and still (as a remainder of old days) I'm dealing with European Union matters (very unwilingly!!! but I don't have enough courage to quit).
It's much over 200 :cry: and I wanted to go on writing...

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Post by yougarksooo » Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:46 am

I've enjoyed these. Here is mine.

Grew up spoiled. Got everything I wanted. Material possessions lost their shine by teen years. Discovered I was gay in 8th grade. Hid it for years. Lived a double life. Started using drugs. Came out of the closet. Songwriting career which I thought would take me to fame failed instead. 4 or 5 failed relationships in my twenties. Thought law school could save me from drug addiction and make me feel like "somebody." It didn't. drug addiction continued, hit deep emotional bottom. Got clean. Started in 12 step program. Happier, but still searching. Continued reading every spiritual book I could find. Stumbled onto PON. Knew it was right. Read it for two years. Became increasingly present.

Had an amazing "shift" experience for a two week period and then, as Kiki says, the rest is ........

No more searching. Peace.
"When people ask me who they are or who God is, I smile inside and whisper to the light: there you go again . . . pretending."

Adya

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Post by Wings » Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:10 am

From meager beginnings I was born on a kitchen table in a shack of an 18 year old mother and father. It was a very rough old neighborhood filled with machismo and the violence it brought too it.

My life was exposed and filled with all of the above and it affected my relationships but I loved as strongly as I hated. Anger simmered like a fire restlessly eating away even a semblance of knowing what peace was or if it even existed.

With my body scared from wounds of teenage gang wars and my soul aching for relief from the fire, age realized this was all there was and all I ever had. I was not very good in hiding the simmering but managed with passion to love my wife for 33 years and my 2 children who were born from it.

In college I was aiming toward psychiatry but veered and instead landed in multiple lucrative businesses where money was not my savior. Egos unknown, life was as competitive against my own self as it was toward beating rival competitors. Reflecting it was sublimated anger infused into competitiveness like an aggressive game of scrimmage.

Whatever it is that brought us here, here we are and we will always be. ET opened a window where my heart and spirit sees and knows more peace NOW than I’ve ever known. Awareness is a friend and witnessing douses the fires which once burned my very existence. Love is now easier to feel and understand without the slightest of utterances. Life is lived.

aanwezigheid
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Post by aanwezigheid » Wed Jun 13, 2007 2:17 pm

Beautiful idea of fnktrry.

Here is my story, btw, thanks to all to be so honest about your own story, it doesn't happen that much that someone offers his or her life-story.

Well, here it goes:

I grow up in a family with two older sisters. When I was very young, I used to be very shy so I wasn't mister popular but that was ok by then. The period 12 until 16 years is maybe the less plesant period in my (still young) life: I came in a girls school, was still very shy, puberty was there, had no friends and I felt like everybody was watching me. The result: always adjusting my behavior to the expectations of people and problems with my self-confidence. I had very good results in school but on the social level it was the opposite, my parents were very school-minded and thought that I had to focus on that and the rows with my dominant and emotional sister (who was the opposite of me then) were also not really a stimulus for me to break free.

From my 16: came in a boyschool => my first friends (who are still here in my life :) ). I visited a pub for the first time in my life on my 17. Still had good results, went studying 'trade sciences' because I always was good in economics. On my 20th: first girlfriend, but after 2 months it was over and she dumped me on a dirty way, and I failed in my second year of university. Result: I went to study 'Social Work' (my examinations are just over => I'm almost certain that I succeeded to graduate the first year with a nice result and I have the feeling that I'm on my place there :wink:)

Actually I have to thank her because she has been the person that pushed me to search for a solution for my low self-confidence, etc... I read a lot about self-confidence, used affirmations, discovered Neale Donald Walsch which was eventually the step towards Tolle and his PON and ANE... I felt like (and still feel) that it is the essention and I'm practicing now for almost 6 months... The results are there. More self-confidence, but still its ups and downs, but not so extreme anymore, more social, but still afraid to find not the girl to spend the rest of my whole life with. 6 months ago I felt not ready for a relationship, now I do, but on the other hand I know that it won't make me feel perfect...

Well, that's it... Sorry for the length, but cannot reduce it :) .

I'm feeling a bit emotional now, but not so emotional anymore like I used to feel when I told my life-story... It is all fine you know, there is more balance in my life thanks to Tolle (and this forum of course)...

Thanks for reading and sharing!

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Post by Agnieszka » Wed Jun 13, 2007 2:32 pm

When I read my story again, after these few days, I realized it's NOT ME. But, on the other hand, I didn't lie when I was writing it. I can feel my story written here is quite superficial. I'm different now, it seems that I change every two days, nowadays :D
Each day is a small breakthrough in terms of self-awareness.

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Post by aanwezigheid » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:17 pm

Know the feeling Agnieszka :) . It is a fact that we have experienced the story, but it is just a story. It is the past. There is only Now and it would be stupid to live this way just because our past was like that. The past is over, it is done and this is not said with anger. It is just a fact. 6 months ago I totally wouldn't have said this with so much conviction as I do know even though there is maybe still some background doubt, but it is a sign that there is progress :) . And even that is comparing the past with the Now, so that means that I'm making time and I'm not being present so I quite with explaining. I think that you all understand what I'm trying to say.

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Post by Agnieszka » Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:51 pm

Sure, I understand. The PERSPECTIVE, gap, space, distance - call it what you like. Seeing our own life (the past and present) in perspective, as well as ourselves - the thoughts, the emotions, what we do and say. But seeing it clearly, as it is (was).
:) :) :)

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yougarksooo
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Post by yougarksooo » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:45 pm

And even that is comparing the past with the Now, so that means that I'm making time and I'm not being present so I quite with explaining. I think that you all understand what I'm trying to say.
Yes. Every thought measures something (it reflects back, projects forward or judges the now) and if it measures my progress then I've created or played into the mind made me separate from the I am that is here (I've split myself in two). And that is a recipe for more suffering.

When the "me" as thought disappears or decreases in intensity and the awareness here expands, aaahhhh how beautiful it all is.

I suppose this is what Christians are pointing to when they say "God's will" not "self-will." It's just that I watch the thought of "God" just as I do the thought of "self."
"When people ask me who they are or who God is, I smile inside and whisper to the light: there you go again . . . pretending."

Adya

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