Newbie here, life is upset.

I just love Adya and I think he deserves his own forum.
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Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by amhere » Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:28 am

So I've been listening to Adyashanti quite a bit lately. I've only just begun because I'm afraid of what I've been going through. My father told me I should listen to him, because of how depressed I've been. That depression, he thinks, is coming out of place of self inquiry. I'm struggling with identification. It feels as though my whole existence is just a loop. I'm feeling like I'm just blending into the wall and other people.

It's difficult for me to really speak from my center. Sort of, the person I think I am that's just running around in consciousness. This 'me' that I see is just caught in a space confined by... nothing. I'm not sure if it's that I am greater or lesser.

I find myself confused by people. The interactions... the miscommunications. I feel like a robot being poorly driven by its driver.

I feel like I'm becoming aware of a mental/and or emotional handicap. I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like I'm retarded and I'm getting glimpses of what it means like to be a fully functioning person.

Am I retarded? Am I schizophrenic?

I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I don't take care of myself. How do people even manage to do it?

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Re: Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by randomguy » Mon Jul 18, 2011 4:40 am

Hello, amhere. You may be simply relating from a different perspective than the perspectives of people that you have found yourself talking to. How has listening to Adya been for you?
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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Re: Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by xkatex » Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:03 am

It can be disorienting. It's natural that you've started to feel dissatisfied with the way that most people live and relate to each other. It's interesting that you've used the image of the loop, because it's just like the idea of samsara, the never ending wheel of suffering. You're about to step off into nirvana, so embrace it. It's important not to resist anything, even if you're experiencing feelings of darkness, emptiness or despair, because if you do it's a sort of spiritual fascism. Once they're completely allowed to be they'll dissolve into presence and aliveness, but it will take much longer if there's resistance.

Talk to your dad, I'm sure he can help you too.

Good luck

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Re: Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by karmarider » Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:19 pm

amhere, what you're experiencing is not uncommon; you can see that others have reported the same state on this forum and elsewhere.

When the first insights hit, after hearing Adyashanti or ET or for whatever reason, it makes sense that there is discontent in some form. Low energy, apathy, confusion, doubt, and so on. You might note that the energy of seeking within the discontent is pretty strong. The drive to gain some conceptual understanding and beliefs and theories and spirituality can be strong at this time.

It's not surprising. Your inner world has turned upside down, and it will seem like the external world makes no sense. People don't understand you; you don't understand how it is that everyone else can just go on pretending.

Adyashanti has a pretty good meditation in one of his books and the audio was posted on Oprah's site, on how to just let it be. Releasing helps--try the technique on my site, or read the Sedona Method book.

In the end, it comes down to just allowing, watching, observing.

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Re: Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by far_eastofwest » Mon Jul 18, 2011 2:31 pm

Newbie, I would suggest you see a counsellor before moving onto the spiritual stuff.
If you are not even coping with looking after yourself (unless you are under 13 years of age) you need some proper help with this.
Unless your father is qualified in diagnosing psychological disorders he isn't really in a place to offer you the remedy.

If you are depressed you need some help.
To be honest, meditation and depression, there really isn't much difference except that there is intent to sit around like a log with meditation.

Your comment about 'blending in a wall with people"
well, thats often a description used by women once they hit middle age (though its quite good if you want to become a spy).

People are confusing, whole of society runs on lies (its given nice terms like political correctness, good manners etc).

If you've got stuff from 'within' its a good idea to look at what it is with a trained person rather than on your own with some meditation stuff or books.

Don't know how old you are but if you are late teens/early twenties it is actually pretty normal growth wise to struggle with getting 'identity'.

And feeling like a robot being poorly driven by its driver..... Robots don't have 'drivers'.

If you are the Robot then Who is YOUR driver? That may be a good place to start..... maybe you are at a point where you need to drive yourself but you already have a 'driver' that is controlling you in some way and you know they are doing it badly? It may be another person, part of yourself or social one.

good luck and do think about getting a proper counselor (I am in no position to tell you what you Should Do, but what you may do, you can take a small step in controlling your life if you wish). There are many counselors who specialize in different styles and if you like the spiritual style you may like gestalt.
Depression is not something to be toyed with, and in most cases not something to be medicated either. And its also not something that is best fixed on a forum or by well meaning family members.
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

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Re: Newbie here, life is upset.

Post by Ziendus » Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:21 am

> This 'me' that I see is just caught in a space confined by... nothing.

Or, the borderless space that I am is aware of experience. ('me')
Experiences change constantly.
The constant is the open space they appear in.
Since there is nothing outside the open space,
the experiences are made out of open space.
That is what you are.
The everlasting NewBe-Hereness.

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