Releasing wants and needs

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

Releasing wants and needs

Postby girlpace » Mon Jun 19, 2017 3:48 pm

Hi all, I hope you don't mind the long post here but I suppose I am looking for some advise and direction on how I can grow.
I have started a path of self discovery and hopefully growth over the past few months and these have led me to the discovery I have anxiety and OCD.
I have begun meditation and somewhere along the line come to find New Earth which I am reading with great interest and astonishment. I am finding it so fascinating to read all about the ego and am excited to see how I can apply these teachings to my life.

I suppose the question I have is in regards to loving relationships. I have been with someone for nearly a year now and feel true love and connection to him. However I still have these wants and needs i.e. text me more, which I believe is a need for some sort of validation that I am worthy or loveable or special, or telling me how he sees his life with me, as if he doesn't then surely this means he doesn't want to be with me....?

I would really like to explore the teachings of Eckhart to discover whether they can help me move past these needs but I wonder whether it is possible to let this go. Has anyone had anything similar where they need someone to tell them they are beautiful and have then moved past this with acknowledging the ego, or other such techniques? Is it possible that I am just looking to move away from these needs so that I can have a loving relationship with this man - but this in itself then becomes another need? I would like to be comfortable enough with myself that I can accept things as they are, but sadly I have been brought up on this Disney idea of romance and how it "should" feel.

Thank you for reading
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby randomguy » Mon Jun 19, 2017 8:18 pm

Wanting something from another can be a habbit in and of itself. If he texts more frequently would the need for validation and desire for proof of lovability evaporate forever? Or is it more likely there would be another thing perhaps next month that would be great he could do as well?
How pleasant is it being with someone who likes to spend time with you just as you are, not asking a thing to change?
How would it be to give that to someone else?
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby dijmart » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:17 pm

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

I still have these wants and needs i.e. text me more, which I believe is a need for some sort of validation that I am worthy or loveable or special, or telling me how he sees his life with me, as if he doesn't then surely this means he doesn't want to be with me....?


This sounds like insecurity. What would happen if you just stopped asking for all of this attention and validation? Perhaps you would recognize that the thoughts that follow are just a story created by your mind to keep you identified with the little "me" persona? Try to not cling to these thoughts, stop ruminating on them, that breathes life into them and makes them "real" to you. They're just thoughts they come...and then go, if you let them. I know it's easier said, then done, but it's definately a worth while practice. One can often push someone away by clinging and demanding too much.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby girlpace » Mon Jun 19, 2017 10:28 pm

Hi both

Thank you for your kind words.
You both make very valid points which are worth considering and practising.

Would you recommend any particular techniques or strategies to use to stop ruminating on thoughts? I am trying mindfulness but this doesn't really assist me in the moment if that makes sense?

And yes I agree, no sooner than one thing is happy then we find another to lay the scrutiny on. And looking at your comment he has never asked me to change anything. I would love to be able to do that for him and all others (friends, family).
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby dijmart » Tue Jun 20, 2017 12:07 am

Well, I'm not a therapist, but I use to ruminate a lot. My advice, when you recognize you're ruminating (which might be after the fact, at first) analyze it's purpose? It's usually to try to eliminate some anxiety. Ask your self if ruminating actually helped the situation or just gave your anxious mind something to do. It usually doesn't help, but makes things worse and creates more anxiety. If you can create some space between you and your thoughts, then watch them, become the watcher of the monkey mind. Try not to act on the thoughts (like asking for more texts). This will hopefully weaken them a over time, but initially will cause a bit more anxiety. Look up thought stopping techniques and how to stop ruminating.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby painBody » Tue Jun 20, 2017 2:02 am

dijmart wrote:Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

I still have these wants and needs i.e. text me more, which I believe is a need for some sort of validation that I am worthy or loveable or special, or telling me how he sees his life with me, as if he doesn't then surely this means he doesn't want to be with me....?


This sounds like insecurity. What would happen if you just stopped asking for all of this attention and validation? Perhaps you would recognize that the thoughts that follow are just a story created by your mind to keep you identified with the little "me" persona? Try to not cling to these thoughts, stop ruminating on them, that breathes life into them and makes them "real" to you. They're just thoughts they come...and then go, if you let them. I know it's easier said, then done, but it's definately a worth while practice. One can often push someone away by clinging and demanding too much.


I respect your opinion, Dij, but I don't agree, at least with your first sentence. And, I think that in Western cultures, particularly in America, the word "insecurity" is thrown around anytime anyone makes the slightest mention of needing more human contact. Why is a social animal wanting contact with others seen as pathological ? Would the need for a predatory species to hunt for prey be seen as pathological ? We don't call a tiger insecure for chasing after a deer, right ? Why, then, is a person who needs more human contact "insecure" ?

We all have different needs, when it comes to emotional/physical/sexual intimacy. Some need more reassurance than others, just like some people naturally have higher appetites for food than others. And some are more open/honest about it than others. That doesn't necessarily signify insecurity. Think about it this way - imagine a world where every single person had exactly the same level of need for texting or other kinds of contact. There was no mismatch, whatsoever. Would that be a world of people ? Or of robots all programmed the same way ? People are experts at hiding/denying their true feelings ... which is the antithesis of presence.

Disparity in a relationship is perfectly normal. I'd be extremely concerned about a relationship where everything was evenly matched (or appeared to be).

To the OP, girlpace, ask yourself - where is that need for more texting coming from ? Is it coming from your friends telling you, "Your boyfriend doesn't text you enough." ? Or from society's expectations of bf-gf communication ? Or is it a genuine need coming from deep within you ? Be honest with yourself and figure out where this need is coming from.

If you feel that is a genuine need ... if you need more texting, you need more texting. No point in denying that need. Having accepted that need, express it to your partner. Now, he may not want to agree to your need, which is his maintaining his own boundary. Again, that's where acceptance comes in. You always have a choice - accept his boundaries, and then either stay or decide that this relationship is not satisfying your human needs, and walk away. Trying to change your partner, however, is a futile endeavor.

My main point is that there is nothing wrong with your having needs; the only potential issue is that of imposing those needs on someone else. You have very valid needs as a human, but your partner may not be able to satisfy all of them. Acceptance is the key to bridging that gap.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby dijmart » Tue Jun 20, 2017 2:38 am

Pb,

My post was in response to the OP stating-

" I would really like to explore the teachings of Eckhart to discover whether they can help me move past these needs but I wonder whether it is possible to let this go".

Obviously, she sees this as an issue that she'd like to resolve or get more clarity. My opinion was an attempt to shed some light on a "possible" cause. As I see it, many people who are insecure in a relationship want their partner to go above and beyond to meet their needs. It can potentially become exhausting for their partner when in a long term relationship.

So, I'm not saying that in general when in a LTR that one shouldn't ask for what they need, but if it's demanding or excessive, that might need a closer look as to why, imo.

And per my signature quote, as always, "take what you like and leave the rest".
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby painBody » Tue Jun 20, 2017 9:30 pm

"And per my signature quote, as always, "take what you like and leave the rest"."

Dij, I think you (might) know me well enough by now. I wasn't intending to start a futile back n forth blabber here. And yes, what is said in your quote is always implied.

I just wanted the OP (and others) to see the other point of view, one which doesn't get the consideration it deserves in a discussion about "insecurity" in the context of relationships. If no one likes it, ok, no worries ... I won't lose any sleep over it. It's good to have both sides of the coin visible, all the data points available, before deciding which one is best for any given person.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby dijmart » Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:32 pm

Not a problem PB, I have no issues with presenting another side of the coin. I just don't care to debate re: insecurity in relationships. Only the OP knows if she's insecure or not. I personally dont care either way.
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Re: Releasing wants and needs

Postby meetjoeblack » Sun Aug 06, 2017 5:57 am

Guys just need to be told stuff. Like, made aware of what you need. For instance, if someone nagged me to text more, I would feel like someone is checking up on me, like I wasn't trusted. If someone explained to me that, I feel loved, safe, and respected from a simple text, I would understand this. Communication is ideal. Conversations like "I feel loved when ________;" likely, a great start. I think it is still a new relationship, something you can build upon, and likely a great way to shake things up. Less is more. Start small. I think it was Stephen Covey that said to seek to understand first then be understood.
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