Ego in marriage

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

Ego in marriage

Postby Lilili » Fri Oct 06, 2017 9:40 pm

Hello to everyone, after a long time i am again on this forum. I am so glad.

My situation is like this. I am married to a wonderful man, we have a kid, everything what i wanted. When we are in peace, everything is OK. But when ego comes around problems start and sometimes escalate. My husbund is a great guy, but when his ego is strong, and that becomes when i get angry at him, he can not put up with that i am not talking to him and that i am accusing him always for something, he changes. He is not anymore that person that i know, he transform himself to aggressiv person, not fizicaly to me, but with a LOT aggressiv energy that many times i was scared. He would yell in front of me and our baby like a crazy person with a crazy look in his eyes. And that hurts me a lot, the fact that we are doing that in front of our child, my heart hurts unberaeble. That is one thing.

The other thing is me and my ego. My husbund starts to be like that only for one reason, and that is when i am accusing him, judging him, ignore him coz everyday life (to tell you the truth if its not sad and scary it would be funny about what we are fighting). Than he transforms himself and i see i am only partly responsible for that transformation. Reasons lay deeply in his childhood, but he doesnt see that clearly.

OK, back to me. What i have learnt from Echkart is that i can not be responsible for consciousness of my husbund and demand him to be always consciousness when I myself am not doing that. That is why i always forgive him coz i know that is just an ego. And yelling in front of our child, she is so little to understand something still is so painfull, i understand i am provoking that. If i am nicer to my husbund that would never happen. So I know that if i want to solve this i shouldnt demand anything from him, but to change myself. But there is a thing, i dont know how, changing is SOOO hard. I am most of the time reacting automaticly, since many years that is so hard to change that. And i start everyday with a thought that i wont judge anyone no matter how big pressure is, and i end up in yelling, totally in ego situation, like i didnt learn anything. I know everything in theory , but in real life is so hard. I feel pissed off at the end of the day thinking why i always repeat same pattern, WHY, like i am drug or alkoholic addict...
So i ask how to start this change....
Lilili
 
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Re: Ego in marriage

Postby meetjoeblack » Sat Oct 14, 2017 6:12 am

i don't know much about marriage but, sex is a great outlet. I am single and wanting to learn the karma sutra and tantra. I think there are levels one can achieve single but, there are levels that the unity of marriage can bring a man and woman. That symbolism of the two becoming one is pretty powerful stuff. There is ego between individuals and collective ego. There is little getting around it. When you are that close to someone, you know their soft spots, their buttons, and how to push them. When you get right down to it, the only enemy is ego which creates separation between presence and being. It seeps into the space of harmony and chaos. We are constantly walking that tight rope. It is ideal to find someone with a non reactive ego but, its just as important to practice presence. See ego in yourself before seeing it in another. Its easy to see it in your husband but, catching it in yourself and reacting to it is that point of no return. You can find a divorce, a new relationship or a boyfriend on the side. Sooner or later, it will become tainted, toxic, and egoic.

Have you ever seen the movie, Revolver? Its a great watch with Jason Statham. I think you could pull something away from it.
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Re: Ego in marriage

Postby Lilili » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:39 pm

Thanks for your answer. You are totaly right. See first ego in yourself. That happened to me today. I was fighting with my husbund something, and then i realized, it is ego in me. Yes its also in him, but can be only responsible for my own actions. So i stopped fighting, and suddenly he came to me, and everithing was fine.
I will defenetly watch that movie, thanks :).
Lilili
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 9:33 pm

Re: Ego in marriage

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:51 am

Lilili wrote:Thanks for your answer. You are totaly right. See first ego in yourself. That happened to me today. I was fighting with my husbund something, and then i realized, it is ego in me. Yes its also in him, but can be only responsible for my own actions. So i stopped fighting, and suddenly he came to me, and everithing was fine.
I will defenetly watch that movie, thanks :).


Do yourself a favor, rent, buy, android box the movie "Revolver." Its with Jason Statham. I believe you will find solace here. Its good to catch that, all "fights" are the result of ego, and then, your left returning back to presence. I had some idiot flip my off the other day. I wanted to get out of the car and handle business. Of course, it was a fleeting moment, and he turned the corner fleeing to safety as he should. Life seems to sort itself out.

I am single as I said. I can say, when single, you want that marriage. I want someone to have a fight with. I am aware to know that, I have enough trouble by myself let alone involving someone else. As I said, I am single now so, I crave a partner but, a partner appears, and I am looking for an exit strategy. Also, with fighting, it is easy to see a "tyrant female archetype." I have heard of marriages and LTRs where, I cringe to think that could be my life.

I am glad you saw past it. Its crazy that, the ego can set distance between couples, between coworkers, groups of people, communities, nations, etc. Its obviously best to avoid a LTR with someone who is extremely reactive or who pushes your buttons. Again, I believe you could leave this relationship, think a separation or divorce is the solution only to realize, you are still unhappy, that ego won having made an enemy of a life partner, and now you are alone. Even worse, you are alone, and with your ego to seep with these negative emotions. At least together, you have someone worth fighting with but, those should/can be less serious and left to when necessary.

The disassociation you experienced is a portal. One I have been going through this year is gratitude. I am single but, when I date or meet a girl, I enter the experience through gratitude. It could be a date, a fling, a future gf and LTR or maybe my future wife. Something I would like deep down is a family. Don't lose sight of the larger picture, the purpose, the reasons behind why you two came together, and remember that in the tough times or in a petty fight.
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Re: Ego in marriage

Postby Lilili » Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:19 pm

I know everything in theory, so to say, but in real life i am constantly reacting automaticly, as i have learnt many years ago. Almost every day i have to eat chips or something sweet to calm my consciousness down, coz i am under stress, frustrated. And then in the morning i ask myself how i couldnt be stronger and not take so much chocolates or chips. And then i remember that i had excuse which ego made up, like i have to eat only this time to feel better, later i will be stronger. Maybe that is funny but this behievior you can compare with addiction of drugs or alcohol. Its not only chips and sweets, its that i still let my ego to play around too much, its that i always react automaticly, without too much thinking, and that has effect to my husbund ofcourse.
I want to start to grow somehow, that is why i am writing here coz otherwise i feel i would fall a sleep so to say in my learnd and automatic reactions. I want to learn how to listen and not always to say my opinion. As i say, sometimes is funny to me when i fihght with my husbund, like in movies, about minor things. But little things matters, right?!
Lilili
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 9:33 pm

Re: Ego in marriage

Postby meetjoeblack » Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:51 am

Lilili wrote:I know everything in theory, so to say, but in real life i am constantly reacting automaticly, as i have learnt many years ago. Almost every day i have to eat chips or something sweet to calm my consciousness down, coz i am under stress, frustrated. And then in the morning i ask myself how i couldnt be stronger and not take so much chocolates or chips. And then i remember that i had excuse which ego made up, like i have to eat only this time to feel better, later i will be stronger. Maybe that is funny but this behievior you can compare with addiction of drugs or alcohol. Its not only chips and sweets, its that i still let my ego to play around too much, its that i always react automaticly, without too much thinking, and that has effect to my husbund ofcourse.
I want to start to grow somehow, that is why i am writing here coz otherwise i feel i would fall a sleep so to say in my learnd and automatic reactions. I want to learn how to listen and not always to say my opinion. As i say, sometimes is funny to me when i fihght with my husbund, like in movies, about minor things. But little things matters, right?!


I cannot give advice on LTRs or marriage. I am working on that life path. I feel as though I have more to experience. Furthermore, my foolish generation has followed a more selfish path of promiscuity, polyamory, and living in sin. As I reflect back, the old school way is ideal, and much like my grandparents who married 50+ years. I know it is not easy. I still always saw my life going that route of married, wife, children, and white picket fence. It just has not materialized just yet and I found myself craving women rather then being dedicated to one. Furthermore, when I date, I find myself experiencing aversion towards LTRs and monogamy. When single, I find myself craving a LTR and therefore, its a futile feat as I am just spinning my wheels time and again.

I heard it said, its best to quit a habit by replacing it with a new one. If you don't purchase chips, you cannot eat it, and if you meal prep the night before, you wont binge on junk foods. I am reading the Yoga Sutras atm. A yogi was saying the importance of balance. Nothing wrong with the habit but, the attachment to it, the needing of it is all the more destructive. He gave a example of happiness and ice cream but, only to find the store is closed. Can you hold onto your happiness then? I want to meditate on St. Paul's comment about "learned to be content." As it is not a state we just acquire. Its something to be learned over time. I've been meditating on John Verse 1.

What are you reading? What if you tried 5min of meditation first thing in the morning and just before bed? I've noticed quite a difference when I meditate. I now do 40-60min a day. I think that piece of silence could help when cravings come, when potential fights could happen with your husband, and other events in life (work, road rage, cut off in traffic etc).
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