Please kindly help me concerning wife

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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freemymind
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Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by freemymind » Wed Sep 26, 2018 1:30 am

Thank you for taking the time read my question.

In short I have spent majority of my life feeling so sad, depressed in a state of continuous mental torture (not even being able to switch off even when on holiday abroad) an Ego mind on steroids, making me defensive/sensitive, replaying history/future and everything in between I have done and felt like this ever since being a young child virtually every day and it starts the moment I awake - waiting for me like a heavy weight.

Things have come to a breaking point with my wife because of me and my behavior its 100% my fault. We were heavily involved with the church for many years, my parents divorced when I was a young teen. I met my to-be wife not too long after. She became pregnant and the church leaders, one who felt like a family member that I honored rejected us publicly. I was TOLD that I should at least do the honorable thing and marry her for the sake of our child to not be born into the world out of wedlock.

I love my children more than anything in the world, everything I do at work and in life is for them. The church experience hurt me beyond words almost like they were denying the authenticity of our faith, love for each other and at the same time implying we had "made" a mistake. I would replay this over and over again. I'd say I have forgiven the church leader but it would re-appear time after time in my mind and the pain. Being a highly protective and loving person when it comes to my family I would feel anger and hurt too.

I love my wife as the mother of my children but after many years we have no connection, no romance, no sex, no common interests and she is older than me I have felt like this for about 3-5 years. I have often turned to alcohol and pornography to feed the ego/low-self esteem as a means to try to escape the pain inside. Whenever I watched porn I would always feel incredibly guilty after and would pray for forgiveness, recognizing this as a form of unfaithfulness. The latter was something which I thought would grow out of in my Teen's and especially once I got married to my soulmate but that never happened to me.

So bringing you up to date I have since separated with my wife (trial basis) not because she has done anything wrong but because I could not continue to pretend to be happy and be in that situation, living a lie. I am attracted to other women I often think about how good it would be to have sex with them and settle with a younger partner before I get too old. I have zero sexual desire towards my wife and don't enjoy social time together, the thought of spending everyday of my retirement with an older lady (who I dont still fancy) scares the crap out of me and have felt like this for years.

All of this feels so shallow and sinful. I imagine what it would be like to be single to focus on my own goals and happiness first. People have told me that I look younger, I take better care of my body (including cutting out alcohol/porn significantly) and have grown more as a person since leaving.

Yet I know she loves me so dearly, almost unconditionally a loving and strong women spiritually and practically. I feel regret for not being the husband she deserves and lacking in sound principles. Not to mention the whole being attracted and desiring experiences with other women syndrome. The problem is that I dont actually know who I am because my mind has been in control all of my life and even when I am in the presence I dont know how to translate that into the physical realm i.e. if I am a Love being then should I not return back to my wife?

The Power of the Now is transforming me but I am new to the journey. I recognize that pain bodies and identification with the mind and my emotions has entrapped me all of my life, that my ego mind has distorted the truth and kept me in a cycle of extreme anxiety, depression and all the rest. I am unsure on whether I should return back to my wife or given the emotions (lack of care for my wife and instead to put myself first) that we should divorce, that this would be best for her.

Of course, I have the fear what if I split up this family and regret that for the rest of my life.
It would be easy if the decision only impacted on me but it would hurt my children and my wife, a women to whom I a made vows.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:15 pm

Honesty is the highest form of love, freemymind.
Honesty to self and others.
Forget the condemnation and shame and guilt - be honest with yourself and others, including your wife and children.

Love does not want misery for the beloveds - and beloveds has to be self and other.
I was once a wife, and I can tell you, I would not appreciate a husband that didn't feel joy to be with me, to be staying with me for some misguided idea that I would be better off with him, than without him.

So, what is the honesty here -
I love my wife as the mother of my children
So honour and cherish and respect and pour joy into that love.
Not making a prison of your own device, and a penance of your admiration. As a celebration of what it really is.
Yet I know she loves me so dearly, almost unconditionally a loving and strong women spiritually and practically.Yet I know she loves me so dearly, almost unconditionally a loving and strong women spiritually and practically.
If so then she will not want to hold you in misery, but to see you flourish.

You don't have to hurt your wife, or your children, in order to be happy, and neither do you need to live a life of misery.
That's not what love is.

"Love, seeks nothing not freely given, to hold nothing not wishing to be held, to give nothing not joyously welcomed." Conversations with God book 2 Neale Donald Walsch.
(Don't freak if you haven't read it, his 'god' is much more down to earth than most ;) )

Love is not about suffering, or guilt or 'should' - it is that which is freely given, in joy.
Love yourself first, and only then can you look at sharing that with others - in honesty - in joy.

All the best.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

freemymind
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by freemymind » Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:19 pm

Thankyou smileyJen101. Love as you say should be freely given in joy. I wonder if how I feel now is from the years of being trapped in my own hell. You say I don’t have to hurt my wife and children but leaving them will do exactly that in the process not just emotionally but also practically as my wife couldn’t afford to stay in the home/take on mortgage. If I stay in this marriage I may hurt them all emotionally unintentionally. What I’m calling love might just be co-dependency on each other we were after all judged by the church so standing together was kind of romantic at least it felt that way at the time. My wife is dependent on me and clingy, that’s not healthy for her (I’d not want her to be that way) and for me it feels like hard work all the time. I’d prefer for her to be more outgoing, independent and self sufficient instead of relying on me for everything, it’s like she has placed her whole happiness and self worth in being a wife

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Oct 06, 2018 6:59 am

Hey freemymind
I"m guessing as you're here you've maybe read a little of ET's work?
Did you get to the bit about the only three sane responses to any situation?
(and feed this with the love that is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity)

to accept, to change, or to remove yourself from the situation. If something is not pleasing you if something is not within your capacity to accept, enjoy (put joy into) or be enthusiastic about ... stop doing it!! You are creating suffering for yourself and others." Did you read any of that in his work? What did you think about it?

Regardless of how you got into the situation, and I'm pretty sure many moments have passed since then, and the best you can do is think you and your wife are a victim of your past... is that conscious being? Is that helpful? If not, maybe do something different with your thinking.

Here's a refreshing idea, why not discuss your unhappiness (in love, in honesty, with compassion) with your wife? Go on a date and be like you were two people meeting each other and telling each other about your lives. Be free, be honest, be.

She is acting in relationship to and with, you. If you are being one thing, and presenting another, how do you know she isn't as well? Maybe she thinks being dependent on you will make you happy. How can you know if you don't discuss it with love, not fear?
I’d prefer for her to be more outgoing, independent and self sufficient instead of relying on me for everything, it’s like she has placed her whole happiness and self worth in being a wife
Not in a blame sense, for either of you - but what facilitates this behaviour, of both of you? Is it fear, or is it love?

What would love do? Maybe be honest about your feelings, then ask her... what would love do? We see what fear is doing, what would love be doing?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

meetjoeblack
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by meetjoeblack » Wed Oct 10, 2018 4:15 am

freemymind wrote:
Wed Sep 26, 2018 1:30 am

I love my wife as the mother of my children but after many years we have no connection, no romance, no sex, no common interests and she is older than me I have felt like this for about 3-5 years.
This herein lies why marriage is such a terrible idea now a days as, what it was, and what it is now differs significantly. Coupled with a 50% divorce rate and 80% initiated by women, its a fools mate school boy error in the minds of a ton of men.

I grew up in the nuclear family. Mom and dad. A sister. I always thought it was the way. After exposing myself to dating, to actually seeing what is not what I was told or thought things were.

I am single and no way I ever get married in the dating climate today. It is ridiculous to swear away resources and sexual access whereas, apps are running rapid like tinder. It is a different world. I think you need to put your foot down.

I can love a woman but, not in the mood when not married means some other girl is. Being little beta male provider, allocated resources, years of fidelity, provider of children and no sex?

A fellow posted to reddit, a link whereby he created a fake tinder account. Location was on a diff country. The guys wife cut him off. He was making six figures, working out, good shape, and no sex. The provider male genes doesn't excite women the way the alpha does when 18 on spring break.

Before the mob angry people come at me, the truth is that, OP is at fault for tolerating this for Years.

If a wife isn't in the mood, someone else is. She got kids. You gave her a ring, a life, a marriage. You're taken for granted. Put your foot down.

Start talking to women. Start working out. Start eating health. Begin to role play that masculine role. While I love Eckhart, there's a lot of polarity in being masculine, and expressing alpha behaviour.

What woman wants to sleep with a spineless guy who won't call her out or begin seeking alternative options. I am not suggesting you follow through. I am suggesting you expose yourself to femininity. It's polarizing.


You need to be able to walk. To pursue what you want but you live in a girl power society and that expectation of being a atm. Being self sacrificial lamb. No more.


Begin going out with the boys. Not in the mood. Go to the strip club. Watch American beauty. Don't be the guy who goes to his grave having spent your last twenty years on pornhub. Unacceptable.

The problem isn't your wife. Your the problem having accepted this. I don't care if I have a wife or kids. If I am cut off, I will beat the breaks off some other woman. That said, I won't ever marry. The following goes for dating.

meetjoeblack
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by meetjoeblack » Wed Oct 10, 2018 4:31 am

freemymind wrote:
Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:19 pm
Thankyou smileyJen101. Love as you say should be freely given in joy. I wonder if how I feel now is from the years of being trapped in my own hell. You say I don’t have to hurt my wife and children but leaving them will do exactly that in the process not just emotionally but also practically as my wife couldn’t afford to stay in the home/take on mortgage. If I stay in this marriage I may hurt them all emotionally unintentionally. What I’m calling love might just be co-dependency on each other we were after all judged by the church so standing together was kind of romantic at least it felt that way at the time. My wife is dependent on me and clingy, that’s not healthy for her (I’d not want her to be that way) and for me it feels like hard work all the time. I’d prefer for her to be more outgoing, independent and self sufficient instead of relying on me for everything, it’s like she has placed her whole happiness and self worth in being a wife
Your wife already left. No sex means checked out. Your kids will marry or get a edu across the country.

It's a common thing on marriage. It was once a given that, if a man wasn't getting it from home, he will elsewhere.

I am a fan of Eckhart but I am well aware of the power of role playing. Masculine and feminine polarity. A great read is way of the Superior man by David Deida. Emphasis on purpose. Life path. A woman isn't your purpose nor is children or excusing mediocrity for a life of mediocrity.

What standard do you set for the kids by being cut off and accepting it? I am seeing a trend of cucking and I am blown away.

You sir deserve better. The only thing is, you going for what you deserve. Its not OK and it's a form of abuse.


Carl Jung talks about the shadow. It's not attractive to a woman that a man kills. It's attractive to a woman that if a man must go to that dark place, he will kill without hesitation before being killed. This predates our history. Its why women write love letters to killers or spent teens and twenties jumping off bad boys. Being a wimp or gender neutral isn't arousing women.

If I were you, I had a wife, and kids, and someone brought danger to them, I would crush their fucking skull without hesitation. That role of provider is one thing but security is another aspect.

The role of father is attacked and disgraced. Its under appreciated. It needs to change and a good start is stepping into your shadow.

Having the capacity to do harm and choosing a alternate means is the path forward.

Take up a gym membership, a martial arts, something you can express masculinity.

freemymind
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by freemymind » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:54 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
Sat Oct 06, 2018 6:59 am
Hey freemymind
I"m guessing as you're here you've maybe read a little of ET's work?
Did you get to the bit about the only three sane responses to any situation?
(and feed this with the love that is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity)

to accept, to change, or to remove yourself from the situation. If something is not pleasing you if something is not within your capacity to accept, enjoy (put joy into) or be enthusiastic about ... stop doing it!! You are creating suffering for yourself and others." Did you read any of that in his work? What did you think about it?

Regardless of how you got into the situation, and I'm pretty sure many moments have passed since then, and the best you can do is think you and your wife are a victim of your past... is that conscious being? Is that helpful? If not, maybe do something different with your thinking.

Here's a refreshing idea, why not discuss your unhappiness (in love, in honesty, with compassion) with your wife? Go on a date and be like you were two people meeting each other and telling each other about your lives. Be free, be honest, be.

She is acting in relationship to and with, you. If you are being one thing, and presenting another, how do you know she isn't as well? Maybe she thinks being dependent on you will make you happy. How can you know if you don't discuss it with love, not fear?
I’d prefer for her to be more outgoing, independent and self sufficient instead of relying on me for everything, it’s like she has placed her whole happiness and self worth in being a wife
Not in a blame sense, for either of you - but what facilitates this behaviour, of both of you? Is it fear, or is it love?

What would love do? Maybe be honest about your feelings, then ask her... what would love do? We see what fear is doing, what would love be doing?
Thank you for your time again and sharing your thoughts... this really helped me yes I have listened to that chapter several times about accepting, changing or removing myself along with the important thing is taking action, even if its wrong, we learn from it. Right now the pain is being caused with the resistance between what I am currently thinking and feeling about the now; and my expectations that it should be different, rather I should be a better husband and the family man at home growing old with my wife gracefully. Yet in my gut that doesnt sit right with me. I do have a high need for control or the illusion of it whether thats finances or life in general it gives me a sense of security as temporary as that is. I feel guilty about feeling the way I do and the future is unclear so if I make a decision and cause all that pain I will be bound to this forever. Yeah there is plenty of Fear as you mentioned... what would love look like? real love? outside of God and being I am starting to wonder whether such a thing truly exists between a man and a women. Parental love for my kids is 100% a sure thing to me in my mind, soul and everything that makes me who I am.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 12:46 am

^ Heartfelt - felt with love.
Right now the pain is being caused with the resistance between what I am currently thinking and feeling about the now; and my expectations that it should be different
The first thing towards any way forward is being honest (in a balance of gratitude and generosity) with yourself, and with others.

Absolutely disappointment and difficulty manifest in the journey of reconciling our expectations, and our reality... as does wisdom from the experience of it.
What would love do with this awareness?
I should be a better husband and the family man at home growing old with my wife gracefully. Yet in my gut that doesn't sit right with me. I do have a high need for control or the illusion of it whether that's finances or life in general it gives me a sense of security as temporary as that is.
So, this ^ is part of that awareness and confusion, competing 'wants' - it's that causing the feelings in the guts that are out of kilter with each other. growing old gracefully with your wife is incompatible with needing the illusion of control.
Heck, growing old without your wife in your life is incompatible with needing the illusion of control. the root cause is not your wife, or your life - the root cause is in your perspective of those things. What is true? What is an illusion?
Only by being clear on those things can you unshackle your life from the angst of opposites competing for your attention and your energy. Only by noticing which / what has your attention and so therefore where are your energies flowing, can you actually take any 'control'. Not really of the situation - but of your response to it. And this would be true, and experienced in or out of your current relationship.
what would love look like? real love? outside of God and being I am starting to wonder whether such a thing truly exists between a man and a women. Parental love for my kids is 100% a sure thing to me in my mind, soul and everything that makes me who I am.
What about God and being makes love possible, that man and woman can not experience - if they choose. That makes no sense.

Maybe like me, maybe like a lot of people, maybe you haven't yet understood what that love is, how it shows up, how it manifests in natural occurrence. What is different - including your expectations - about your love for your wife, and your love for your children? What expectations are they fulfilling, or are you letting go of, in order for that love to 'be'?

May I recommend, as a counsellor did for me many years ago now, the Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue, books by Neale Donald Walsch. Or you can search on here for posts about lessons learned from them particularly on Unconditional love.

Have you asked your wife how she is travelling in this journey with you?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

freemymind
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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by freemymind » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:50 pm

Heck, growing old without your wife in your life is incompatible with needing the illusion of control. the root cause is not your wife, or your life - the root cause is in your perspective of those things. What is true? What is an illusion?
What is true? What is an illusion?
I have no idea, everything is a manifestation of God, what then is true and what is an illusion? What is true is that I am not ready or committed to being in a relationship with an older women perhaps that is the problem that and associated guilt for wanting to this reality to be different. Perhaps me being with a younger women feeds that need for control whilst all is an illusion or sorts; ignorance can be bliss.
May I recommend, as a counsellor did for me many years ago now, the Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue, books by Neale Donald Walsch. Or you can search on here for posts about lessons learned from them particularly on Unconditional love.
Thank you I will check this out for sure
Have you asked your wife how she is travelling in this journey with you?
We talk but she has a very black and white perspective on all things, in some ways I am the more emotional intelligent one between us, I dont say that with any sense of pride or arrogance but that's the reality as I perceive it. I have suggested the power of the now and sent her a free link to the audible book - has she read it? has she even mentioned it? does she even care about this stuff? No. All she wants is an answer - will I keep my vows to her and remain in the marriage or leave? Simple question, hard answer. I dont truly understand why I am so confused? why I am not just accepting my wife as she-is, its not like she is ugly or done anything wrong... I just dont fancy her anymore or want sex with her. Everything else is fine, I pay the bills and look after my children but we just not best mates. I am thinking about "dating my wife" as you suggested in a earlier post... and yet my mind say whats the point? Go and find a younger women and be done with it or maybe you will be all alone and your wife will find somebody new and be happy - either way at least you are in control of the choice. Right now I am being torn in two by indecision, guilt and not knowing what to do. BUT I DO KNOW THAT feeling this way is 100% messed up and that I am 100% the cause of it all. Whatever happens it will be 100% on me, nobody else to blame but me and with that decision I am completely at a loss on what to do next.

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Re: Please kindly help me concerning wife

Post by Sighclone » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:53 pm

free -

The answer is deep inside. Let it arise without judgement.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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