Attracted to men who are not interested

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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Amy
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Joined: Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:16 pm

Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by Amy » Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:43 pm

I'm aware of a pattern in my life where I keep being attracted to men who are not interested in me.

There is currently a man I like who clearly doesn't feel the same way. I would even like to be friends with him but he doesn't seem to want this. I accept it though it hurts. He has done nothing wrong.

I realise I have been like this since I was a teenager. There's nothing wrong with feeling attracted to someone, I guess. Its all the obsessive thoughts that accompany it that is frustrating. My practice is to acknowledge the thoughts and try to gently take the attention away from them.

I don't know if others experience something like this as well? I suppose there's an underlying belief a relationship is necessary for happiness.

As often as possible I pay attention to the background stillness which never changes. Sometimes there is peace, bliss for no reason. But this longing for a relationship keeps returning.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:56 pm

Welcome to the forum Amy.
Amy wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:43 pm
As often as possible I pay attention to the background stillness which never changes. Sometimes there is peace, bliss for no reason.
This is good stuff that will pay long term dividends. If this relationship concern has been with you for a long time, you might explore your beliefs about your self - specifically during the times you are at peace with the background stillness. Out in nature is good for such exploring. The benefits of these moments are that we are less defensive and more willing to consider possibilities. Sometimes we can uncover hidden fears and their origins that were previously unrecognized.

These are also good times to see the life that we would prefer. Of course this is a Law of Attraction technique to imagine the things in life we want in times of maximum clarity. It's kind of like our workshop for creativity. A good familiarity with that state of clear silence comes first.

WW

Amy
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Joined: Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:16 pm

Re: Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by Amy » Wed Jul 17, 2019 10:25 pm

Thank you very much WW.

At times there is total peace and stillness without any relationship. Everything is okay. There is contentment, space.

But there is a longing though, to be in a relationship. On the level of form I don't feel fulfilled without a partner. I don't know, maybe this longing will be fulfilled, or maybe it will simply dissolve.

tchest77
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Joined: Sun Aug 25, 2019 4:10 am

Re: Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by tchest77 » Mon Aug 26, 2019 9:02 am

Hi Amy,

I have been there many times in my life, I know exactly how you feel. The person you like and want to get to know really doesn't reciprocate that interest. This is painful! However, the pain is there for many reasons. We live in a culture where we are conditioned to desire a relationship, even if parents don't support this model but if they do have a healthy relationship then this idea of desiring a relationship is even strengthened further. Regardless of the parental construct, you turn on the tv, radio, magazines, books, and movies all support wanting a relationship, looking for love, ect..ect...ect., so we are conditioned. However, all of these messages are coming from outside of our body/brain. We need to understand while we have no control of the world we live in, the messages it gives, ect, we do have control over the way it makes us feel and think. As a matter of fact, the only thing we have 100% control over is how we feel and think. You need to embrace your pain, accept your feelings, but do not let them be in control. Understand that feelings are our way of perceiving who we are, however the feelings are just feelings. Feelings have no ability to think. Is anger ever used to complete a math problem? Is loneliness ever used to decide how to recycle? Is love ever used to calculate your taxes? Feelings are who we are but they have no capability to reason, understand, comprehend, devise a plan, ect, thus they are not what we are. So, you need to allow your self to feel, do not rationalize it, do not label it, do not suppress it, you have feelings for a reason, it is a part of you for a reason, however... this is where Eckhart Tolle comes in. Realize your feelings require attention, but it's how you do so that matters. You can feel and react, therefore you are, or..... you can feel, then think, then respond. Feelings just want to be met, they don't care how, they just communicate to us and need to be met cause this is a part of us and our feelings are trying to tell us something is wrong or something is right. Our entire lives we react to these feelings, and thus our feelings are met, we develop our sense of self of what makes us feel human. However, if you can feel this pain you are feeling, allow urself to feel it, give it some time, but don't react. If you have to react, then you are defeating the purpose of being able to create solutions and not allowing yourself to think, healthy solutions are non-emotional based as they are based on doing what is healthy and not on serving a feeling and we accept that solution even if it doesn't benefit us. Feel this pain, then eventually think and come up with a solution, then that feeling is still met and goes away, however it is not reactivity and you still give yourself freedom to feel but you do not let that feeling identify who you are. The problem anyone faces is not about the problem, it is about our feelings. The problem doesn't physically enter anyone and place feelings inside them. And depending on the person, this will yield different feelings and results, so it's not the problem at hand that is the problem, it is our inability to cope, and we cope by reacting as opposed to responding with intelligence.
Your desire can be 2 fold, you desire a relationship due to our drowning in societies constant messages, and or this is more of a feeling coming from you feeding your unconscious mind from the conditioning you created within the environment and world you were brought up in. If we blame anyone other than ourselves for the way we feel then we will never have a healthy solution, but rather come up with a reason that makes sense and makes us feel better. Nevertheless, you may identify why you feel the way you do from an experience, but you created this feeling to make yourself feel better instead of coming up with answers to why you're in pain, and not come up with answers to make you feel better but rather to identify possible causes, and be ok to accept those causes even if those causes make you feel bad. The purpose of thought is to understand even at the expense of hearing something we may not want to hear or admit to; this is why emotions have to purpose behind thinking, emotions just confuse thoughts, but emotions allow us to be human, just don't let emotions dictate who you are, let them guide you and use your thoughts to choose what is right or wrong and not be biased as biasness is emotional based, thought is truth based.
People can strive for things cause the way it makes them feel. However, by doing so we are only serving the feeling, and we end up constantly feeding our instincts to feel better. Like I said above, that feeling needs to be met, it can't think it can only feel, so allow the feeling, and then think about the feeling, only respond once you can understand why you feel the way you do or at least respond based on what the right thing is to do.
Why do you feel the way you feel, well... because of an experience you lived through. So, live your life, the moment you feel like you need to have a relationship is the moment you need to take time to reflect. If time doesn't allow to reflect at that very moment, then try to reflect on that moment as soon as you can as once that feeling goes away your ability to reflect on it won't be as beneficial, although may help, but being able to reflect at the moment of that feelings is where the true digging for answers begins since the feeling is present and alive. You have to allow your self to feel in order to dig. And it's ok to do this in moderation, allow yourself to feel and not reflect, find what works for you when it works for you, but realize that you will need to feel this feeling then take time in that very moment to reflect on it. Ask yourself why do I feel this way, and let yourself give you an answer, and write it down or you will forget. Literally have a conversation with yourself about this, ask questions to yourself and give your self an answer. The answer could be a question asking you something. Just engage the questioning, this is the digging. Take your time, reflect on the answers, be honest and continue as needed, and it's ok to call yourself a liar, as this is just between you and yourself. It is better to do this out loud like you were talking to a person next to you, as you may feel funny but being able to verbalize thoughts can help to articulate them and sort through them and gives your thoughts the ability to have something to focus on as if you stayed quiet it can work, but I find outward self talk works best for me sometimes. If you don't come up with answers or they don't seem like you didn't get to the bottom of your feelings then take a break and do it again another time, and repeat this process for all problems. Over time, you will find the reason why you feel the way you do, and this will free you cause you will feel it resonate and opposed to agreeing cause it sounds reasonable. And it could very well be the wrong answer, but your goal here is to give meaning in a genuine way to why you feel the way you do. If you can get to an answer that resonates, accept that could be the answer but also be open for other possible answers, if not now, then maybe another time or even years down the road, and be happy that you feel you found a possible reason to why you feel the way you do and be open for change. Here are some guiding questions to start off with or add to if you find you don't know where to begin or can't think clearly, after each question go into dialogue with yourself, do not move on to other questions unless you get to an answer from the question you ask yourself and if that question sparks a question for you to answer then engage in dialogue with answer and continue the dialogue until is naturally dissolves on its own as if you were in a conversation with a friend neither of you would just end the conversation but rather would change topics cause it felt natural or you stop talking about something cause the conversation naturally flowed that way, you do what is natural, don't force the dialogue just be open for it and however it goes it goes, when the conversation is over move onto the next topic, and each conversation could last as long as it does until it naturally dissolves on its own, just play it out and you may come up with an answer to the question at the end:
Question #1 Why do I feel the way I do?
Questions #2 Why can't I feel happy being alone and not having a partner in my life?
Question #3 What will having a partner in my life fulfill for me?
Question #4 What else am I not happy with in my life? And could it be possible that by finding a partner, this partner will help to take place of other pain I am having?
Question #5 Can I truly be happy being alone? Why and Why not?
Question #6 Do I feel that I have had a healthy relationship with both of my parents? If not for either, is seeking a partner helping me to cope with that relationship I wish I had?
Question #7 What will a partner emotionally fulfill that I can not fulfill on my own?
Question #8 Is it possible that I can be truly happy if I could somehow emotionally fulfill what I seek for in a partner but find it on my own? How could I make this possible?
Question #9 If I find a partner that makes me happy, could I still have that happiness of what makes me me if they ended up severely ill and no longer capable of providing what I originally was getting from them?
Question #10 If I find a partner that brings me joy in my life, how will I know if they are with me because it fulfills them as well or they are with me to fulfill me?
Question #11 Am I seeking a partner to fulfill myself, or do I seek to be with someone so I can fulfill them?
Question #12 If I get into a relationship, how would I know if it is healthy? How would I know if it is unhealthy? If it becomes unhealthy, no matter how much they may love me and want to be with me, how I can make the relationship healthier and what can I do to make myself healthier?
Question #13 Is it more important to be happy and alone or unhappy and with a partner?
Question #14 Could it be possible that a partner could bring me happiness but at some point make me unhappy?
Question #15 Am I dependent on someone else making me happy? Why or why not?
Question #16 If I find a partner that fulfills me, and I end up very ill and can no loner enjoy being with my partner because my health, will my partner still be able to fulfill me?

I wish you luck on your journey, realize that life presents us with conflicts and we need to embrace these conflicts as opportunities to self growth, and conflicts are healthy, it is how we work with them. Our ultimate goal is to be happy, but that happiness is a false sense of happiness if we are trying to be happy by fulfilling happiness with things that make us happy. And when we're not happy, the second you ask yourself what can I do to make myself happy, you start to develop a false sense that happiness is something that can be achieved. Because when those things don't happen or are taken away from us, we then are unhappy and try to find happiness again, and we then define happiness as something we can get. When we're unhappy we try to become happy, and try to find it again.
Happiness is a way of life as opposed to an emotion we try to have. While happiness is an emotion, it is not in charge, can not make choices, does not have any control over how we think, and always needs to be fulfilled. If you let this emotion become you, then you will always be looking for ways to keep it and reinforce it. Instead, allow yourself to be unhappy and allow yourself to be happy based on life circumstance, being unhappy is just as important as being happy, as either are just based on experience that allows us to work and better ourselves through.
You can not control life, you can only go along for the ride and make the best out of it you can. When we start wanting things, we let these things make us who we are and fulfill us. We are not a relationship, we are not money, we are not love, all of these things are an experience in life, we can only strive to support a healthy sense of well being during these experiences and be ok if these experiences never occur or don't work for us. If these things don't occur, then thats ok, but the second we need them or want them then we loose ourself and place value on, "if I only had this then I'd be happy." And while this may work, it is not secure cause once we loose it we're back to the hunt for happiness and will never be happy until fulfilled once again. And if it is never lost then you live a life of happiness based on an experience that stayed in your life until you die, and you got away with sustaining happiness based on an emotional gain. But that life will not allow you to have opportunity to grow, to find yourself, to allow yourself to find happiness with out self fulfillment, as you can only grow in happiness when things don't go right, as happiness is a state of well being and accepting life regardless of circumstance because you accept yourself to feel, to be, and to be without, and along the way you can genuinely say you are happy whether things go ur way or don't cause you accept that life is full of experiences and it's how you can grow and change to be a better version of yourself each day and moment that occurs rather than trying to find something to make me feel better. You can choose to fulfill the emotion of happiness, and choose to do things that make you feel good, or...... you can choose to feel and then make decisions not to fulfill that emotion but rather base your choices on what is the right thing to do even if doing the right thing may not make you feel good. Realize in either scenario, the emotion is met, it's just a matter of how you choose to meet that emotion, either let it be who you are and find what makes you happy and fulfill that happiness, or do things in life cause it's the right thing regardless of how it makes you feel which indirectly will bring you happiness cause you do things based on what's important to you regardless of self fulfillment.

Amy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:16 pm

Re: Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by Amy » Tue Aug 27, 2019 8:12 pm

Thank you so much tchest77.

I answered the questions you suggested and saw clearly that I just want to be happy. I could clearly see that happiness based on another person is temporary. What I really want is happiness that doesn't change and doesn't depend on external circumstances. Of course I knew this already but this time it was so clear.

I don't know if the longing for a relationship will return. At the moment I feel free.

Thanks again.

tchest77
Posts: 32
Joined: Sun Aug 25, 2019 4:10 am

Re: Attracted to men who are not interested

Post by tchest77 » Wed Aug 28, 2019 4:51 am

Hi Amy,

This is a crazy experience to go through, I just found out about Eckhart and it resonated within me, so I started within this past week to dig deep within myself and find out what's going on within myself and why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I do. I started to find that my ego is real and realizing this helped me to to explore it.

I can not believe I lived pretty much my whole life being reactive to support my ego, both in positive and negative reaction to support it. I am sorry to admit that I have found my ego to be extremely selfish, but I realize now that my ego existed to help me. Really, I created my ego in an effort to help me to cope with everything. Although, I have to respect the power that it gave me to find "my self", although detrimental as I see now, but it allowed me to find what made me feel good in order to help me to find value in myself and to cope with life. Crazy thinking, but I think this is just the way of the world, but I am truly happy now and do not want to allow myself to let my ego thrive and identify me, as I am more.

I'm so happy that I found this part of me that exists and it doesn't need anything to help myself to feel good. I don't know how I would have answered your concerns after a week ago. I would assume that I would enable you by being a reflection of myself, saying something like, "You need to find what makes you happy," tell you that anyone would be lucky to have you, and I'd probably say there is only one of you and how special and unique you are and embrace yourself and be ok if it doesn't work out cause you have no control over it and be happy with who you are. I would probably have said something like that cause I'm trying to help you to embrace yourself, and it's making me feel and it would probably make you feel good. But it's all a lie, a mask, a cover up, not allowing oneself to really cope instead of feeling good in order to cope. And by saying all of that I am assuming that happiness can be found. Even thinking this way right now makes me realize how confused I used to be.

I used to be, and am trying to grow out of this, selfish nature of mine, and thinking anyone can find happiness is self-centered in an effort to make one self feel good; and if it feels bad or one is quick to deny it, then they are on the right path of finding their true self. I guess me being aware of this has made me feel happy, lol, I better be careful, but I think it's more of a peace I have that everything is ok and ok if everything it not.

Feelings are extremely important, but I was feeding those feelings my whole life in an effort to cope. I love to feel, but now realize that while this is instinct and will always be a part of me, I can allow it, but be in charge with how I make decisions from it rather than blindly sooth those feelings. And I realize it is good to be vulnerable as this is essential to fight my urge to be instinctive, and find more of a meaning to who I am.

It's more important to have value on how to think (but if this is to sooth feelings then I'm back to being lost), and let thinking drive feelings as opposed to letting feelings drive reactions (which reactions really never even required thought). Feelings need to exist and be allowed, but how they are met is the difference.

I view it like this, your feelings are the temperature on a thermostat, and your thoughts are the thermostat; without temperature (feelings) then the thermostat (thoughts) would just be a thermostat (thoughts) without any temperature (feelings) to work with. The temperature (feelings) gives the thermostat (thoughts) meaning and purpose. If the thermostat (thoughts) didn't exist then there would just be temperature (feelings) which would have no control and just go up and down as it needed to. So, you can control the thermostat and the temperature, you can separate either to identify what their jobs are, and you can decide how the temperature (feelings) react in your environment (you) by controlling the thermostat (thoughts). The thermostat and temperature will always exist, but you need to decide how you want to control the thermostat in order to have control over the temperature; and embrace both as they are a part of you and allow each to exist and get to know the power of each. But, if you let either control you then you will do what you can in your environment to cope with the weather.

One could get lost in not feeling from thinking that feelings are the ego and then try to suppress feelings, this would not be healthy at all. However, depending on what you do with that feeling is the difference, embrace your feelings, as this is our nature and we were intended to feel, and life would be quite bland if we didn't have feelings, or if we were scared to express them; however, realize, how you choose to respond to your feelings is everything or you can enable those feelings to react for you.

I wish you the best and hope whatever life brings your way, take it as it comes and be open to finding more about yourself through all of life's ups and downs.

Take care.

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