How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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tchest77
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How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Tue Oct 15, 2019 4:20 am

I'm struggling with ending my relationship, however, the struggle is about me just letting her be and accepting her for who she is or move on cause I just can't deal or no longer want to. We have been dating for 4 years, living together for 3.

She has an anxiety disorder, it used to be much worse and has gotten better with therapy and medication, however, her pain body is just so strong, she has this whining tone many times and really just isn't that positive or go with the flow type of person. Because of her positive growth, and she just goes in and out of these states so it's not like this all day but it does appear, and because I truly am in love with her, I stayed. We used to have fights all the time due to me being intolerant, but because I just shrug it off now and accept her for her, things are good, but it still creeps under my skin like nails on a chalk board; I just find her whining uncertain tone so annoying sometimes, and am finding it extremely difficult to just continue at these moments.

One part of me is saying, stop being so egotistic, your ego is controlling your reactions so you become annoyed an intolerant, stop being bothered, this is about her not you, accept her for who she is, and another part of me is rooting for the break-up, thinking I can't live the rest of my life like this (wishing deep down she was not so hurt), but I tell myself I had enough.

Thoughts/suggestions/ideas? Thanks!

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Tue Feb 18, 2020 3:09 am

After all this time I realize that no one can really answer a question in what someone should do when they are conflicted with what is right or wrong for them, as people need to learn for themselves, and this is the path of life.

I have gotten to a place where I am seeing how attached I am to other people, their comments, their tone, their demeanor, ect. It's one thing to say it, but another thing to really see it unfold. I take it personally, and I do know that I am not to blame. And if I am to blame, I try to see why or work with them on this as needed. I see that I react due to feeling that I have done something wrong, when 99% of the time I have not, but it's hard to see past the reaction if the reaction is in motion or is taking place. This attachment I see in others as well, how they react and take things personal of the world around them.

Through constant reflection on these matters, I can see much more clearly. Most reactivity has subsided realizing that people are reactive and their reactivity has nothing to do with me, and allowing reactivity to a capacity allows people to just be who they are. This is a lifelong journey, wishing the best for anyone to find themselves in moments of conflict, as conflict can bring you to a place of who you are and who you can be.

Thanks to anyone who has chimed in on other posts of mine. I am in a good place now and hope that my growth continues.

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:36 am

tchest77 wrote:
Tue Feb 18, 2020 3:09 am
Thanks to anyone who has chimed in on other posts of mine. I am in a good place now and hope that my growth continues.
Continue writing about your deepest and clearest insights and no doubt it will. Ignore consideration of those insights and your growth will likely continue anyway... Maybe not quite as fast, or as pleasantly however. That you came here, or some similar open space like this to do some inner exploration, says a good deal about your desire to work through your issues - issues that we have all had at one time or another, or something just as challenging. Anyway, congrats!

WW

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:54 pm

Hey WW,

Thanks again. This process is confusing as it seems like I go in and out of these states. A part of me gets mad at how things don't go my way (usually I'm based off how someone talks to me or if I think they're not treating me properly), and then this is the reactivity within me I see. When I notice this, I can see that I am not willing to feel bad, and go into this survival instinct of "standing up for myself." The more I notice this, the more I grow into understanding it more and understanding how another is; this allows empathy and personal responsibility. However, the understanding that this external stimulus exists is confusing.

I'm trying to understand the idea of how someone can make you feel bad. I'm seeing that one can feel bad, but also not take it personal (be responsible for I feel and be willing to be wrong if that is also the case, while allowing another to not be minimized in how they feel). I see that there can be a separation and limited attachment, instead of getting overly sensitive to it all. However, I find there needs to be this balance, as emotions are what makes us real, genuine, authentic, however, to not get lost in them or bound by them; not to make emotions who we are but a part of how we express ourselves. To be human, to be emotional, to experience this all, but see the difference to being able to let go and to give in with control: to realize that there is no control, to allow no control, to have full control, to basically see how you feel and control/understand as needed, like you're in charge of your own emotional barometer. To not be able to see any of this seems like a way I have lived my entire life.

It is still confusing to me, I understand that emotions are personal and arise from within, and are a part of our make-up, however, I find it interesting that there needs to be a stimulus. So, the statement, someone can make you feel bad, makes sense from this perspective, from the perspective that the stimulus from another does something. However, if that stimulus wasn't present, then you wouldn't feel bad. However, it's not like you felt bad all along and then comes along this stimulus that basically reflects what's within, (although that could be), but considering from this perspective, if you are balanced within and can work with situations to have self control, and then a stimulus causes you to "loose your cool," then that stimulus has brought about those emotions. Like how someone would love the feeling of the sun or the smell of baked goods or not hate the smell of garbage or find the sun irritating, no stimulus, no reaction; or someone disrespects you or is pleasant, there again is a stimulus. So, isn't the world around us causing these reactions within us? Without the world around us, we would not have any reaction. I understand we can be reactive, but the world provides all the stimulus.

Your perspective on any of this would be appreciated. I appreciate you reading.

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Feb 18, 2020 5:52 pm

Emotions are a great topic to explore.
tchest77 wrote:
Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:54 pm
I'm trying to understand the idea of how someone can make you feel bad.
Pardon my use of metaphors and analogies, but I find them very often quite helpful.

How is it that you can type the letter "I" on your computer screen? The most basic answer is that your keyboard has a button on it that links to that outcome. Suppose there was no "I" on the keyboard. Would there be anyway for that letter to manifest on your screen? No. So the reason that someone can make you feel bad is because you have an emotional button that is available to be pressed.

If you did not have that 'button', efforts to make you mad about any given issue would be futile. There would be no underlying emotional context. Suppose someone said to you something like 'those buck teeth of yours make you look like a donkey'. If you had buck teeth and they bothered you, you might get quite angry for someone being so insensitive, especially if they said it if front of others. There would be an emotional context. A button. But if you had no buck teeth, or you didn't particularly care about it, you would likely have no negative emotional response. No corresponding button, so you would not become angry.

I'm seeing that one can feel bad, but also not take it personal (be responsible for I feel and be willing to be wrong if that is also the case, while allowing another to not be minimized in how they feel). I see that there can be a separation and limited attachment, instead of getting overly sensitive to it all. However, I find there needs to be this balance, as emotions are what makes us real, genuine, authentic, however, to not get lost in them or bound by them; not to make emotions who we are but a part of how we express ourselves. To be human, to be emotional, to experience this all, but see the difference to being able to let go and to give in with control: to realize that there is no control, to allow no control, to have full control, to basically see how you feel and control/understand as needed, like you're in charge of your own emotional barometer.
I would suggest that there is a larger understanding of our emotions. I have known several people who have emotional buttons who simply rationalize them, or justify them, by claiming "that's just the way I am" as if there was nothing to be done. Well true, there is merit in this to the extent that we identify with our ego perspective. The larger understanding however, is that our emotions are messages to us about our clarity of being and alignment with our larger nature. The more painful our emotions, the stronger the message is that we are out of alignment with that larger nature. The more joy and appreciation we feel, the closer that alignment tends to be.

So when we feel emotional pain, there is an opportunity to explore what we believe that creates the 'button' that triggers it. Underlying the emotion is always a belief that is not accurate, or not fully understood, from the view of our larger perspective. The exploration of our beliefs that cause us pain or joy is the mechanism of spiritual growth. It is important to realize that it is not a right or wrong consideration. It is a cause and effect experience in operation. The right or wrong, at least from a larger perspective, is a judgment adopted and held by ego. That is not right or wrong either. It's just a function of consciousness that creates the many varied experiences we have in this human environment.

Life here is just one opportunity in a much larger multi-dimensional universe in the over all evolution of Consciousness and Being. Keep exploring. Everything you need is within you.

WW

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Tue Feb 18, 2020 8:35 pm

WW, thanks again!

Is it possible to be in that conscious alignment but also be emotional consciously? I understand being under unconscious control and thinking you're in control when you're not happens, but..... can someone be consciously in control of their emotions while giving in to their emotions? Where are the boundaries to know when you are not in alignment? Is it possible to be free to express emotions under voluntary conscious control?

I understand that our emotions are consequence of something occurring, but couldn't it possible to have right and wrong ways of expressing those emotions even if it is judged by the ego? For example, an extreme one, but isn't it wrong to lack emotional control that puts another's life at risk?

Thanks again WW. I value this exchange and appreciate your time!

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:20 am

tchest77 wrote:
Tue Feb 18, 2020 8:35 pm
Where are the boundaries to know when you are not in alignment?
Remember, emotions are triggered by the beliefs that we hold. You can justify them, or resist them, or amplify them, or whatever; but beliefs are what matter. Emotions are symptoms of those underlying beliefs. When you get emotional, seek out the beliefs that support it. Don't bother to justify your emotions through some mental gymnastics. When you get emotional, be curious. Explore what you believe that got you going.

Now, you can justify the belief if you can find it, or you can find a way to reorganize your thinking, or be more inclusive in a way that expands your perspective.

To me, alignment feels expansive of consciousness. Alignment tends to de-energize our negativity and energize our clarity. It does not come in words but may well create the atmosphere for us to find those words.

I understand that our emotions are consequence of something occurring, but couldn't it possible to have right and wrong ways of expressing those emotions even if it is judged by the ego?
It depends on how you define right and wrong. From the physical human perspective there is a sense of right and wrong based on the perceived benefit or harm done. If you are satisfied with the physical human perspective live from it. I'm just saying there is a larger perspective that one can access that perceives the same acts and conditions not as right or wrong, but simply as cause and effect.

There is no judgment from this larger perspective, but there are self-created consequences based on the energy one expresses and beliefs one holds. But it's not right or wrong, it's just you get what you get.

WW

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Wed Feb 19, 2020 5:24 pm

WW,

Makes sense, and I appreciate the understanding that our emotions are based on a belief of something, this does help to get to a possible answer rather than going in circles tying to make sense otherwise, really a great short cut to what really is going on. Thanks for that! I can see outside of this, someone being emotional based on a previous experience that triggers that emotion, like the emotional buttons you talked about earlier.

When you say to find a way to reorganize your thinking and to be more more inclusive, is this to consider other possibilities other than what one perceives? Or, if you can give an example.

And it is interesting to see that consciousness doesn't judge, but just see's life for what it is. Interesting perspective. I would think though, if consciousness could talk, it would say there are rules of life that are good or bad, like killing someone I would think consciousness would say this is not to be allowed. As, wouldn't consciousness want human life to evolve?

On a side note, with what one perceives as someone doing something mean, disrespectful, or wrong, this is something I have always struggled with as me identifying that I am wrong in someway or I am those feelings projected onto me. I have gotten a better understanding of all of this, why I react, why another reacts, ect. It is my understanding that helps me to see clearly, however, it is still something that is like a splinter under my skin. Although I have much more awareness through understanding, I still have this splinter that is hard to remove. Like, my emotions drag on after an incident, even if I am being mindful and accept someone to be who they are. So, I'm still having difficulty with whatever this hold on is, my emotions are this residual by-product. Besides identifying emotions with a belief or blaming my ego, could you give any suggestions or further insight into how to understand why emotions drag on even after reflection, being mindful, and understanding? It's kind of like, emotions put a bunch of splinters in you, but through understanding they can be removed, however, for me, it's like there is one that is stuck or hidden or partially removed but still is present. And maybe over time is dissolves, but until then there are remnants of still being bothersome. Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions are appreciated.

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Feb 19, 2020 8:10 pm

tchest77 wrote:
Wed Feb 19, 2020 5:24 pm
When you say to find a way to reorganize your thinking and to be more more inclusive, is this to consider other possibilities other than what one perceives? Or, if you can give an example.
There are lots of ways to do this. The important thing is that rethinking must be based in truth from a larger perspective than the incident at hand. If we understand that we are all human and all have a lot of mental/emotional baggage from a lifetime of accumulation, that in most cases we no longer even recognize its origin, then we can find our way to a non-judgmental perspective that is based on a common human condition. We all have beliefs and perspectives we don't really understand, yet to a great degree control out actions.

Add to this the consideration that we are eternal beings that are here in this human exploration to gain unique experience in exploring the very challenging conditions that you are currently grappling with. It helps to study NDE's, OBE's and lucid dreaming. All are of great value in expanding our perspective to a larger sense of reality and being.

I would think though, if consciousness could talk, it would say there are rules of life that are good or bad, like killing someone I would think consciousness would say this is not to be allowed. As, wouldn't consciousness want human life to evolve?
There is cliche of sorts I used to say: "Rape and murder are bad enough without making it wrong." So here's what I mean. Rape and murder are heinous acts that greatly affect all the parties involved. By judging such crimes wrong however, does nothing to change the actual act. What it does do however is affect the one making the judgment in a negative way.

Judgment is not discernment. Making a judgment of wrong doing tends to cause a contracting of consciousness in the one judging in that it is saying no to an element of being. This is true of all negative/resistant judgments of perceived wrong doing. Discernment however is different. Discernment recognizes the cause and effect relationship of actions and their result. It looks upon it in a way that seeks understanding and potential improvement, and thereby tends to be expansive of consciousness - which after all is the point of the Human experience.

tchest77 wrote:
Wed Feb 19, 2020 5:24 pm
So, I'm still having difficulty with whatever this hold on is, my emotions are this residual by-product. Besides identifying emotions with a belief or blaming my ego, could you give any suggestions or further insight into how to understand why emotions drag on even after reflection, being mindful, and understanding?
Consider that the mind is split into conscious and subconscious elements. (Maybe more, but this will do.) You are trying to make conscious changes, but you have spent your life to date creating and energizing belief structures that now live strongly in your subconscious mind. It takes time to weed them out and create new structures. Some never leave while in this form. It depends on the quality, intensity, and consistency of the energy applied for replacing what currently exists.

The first and primary step is to clearly recognize the subconscious belief for what it is. So when it arises, you can treat it accordingly from a clear presence awareness perspective. Over time the quick recognition will starve the belief structure of consciously focused energy and it will subside. Meanwhile develop an attitude of patience with yourself and others in the extreme. You're worth it, and so are others. Generally speaking, we are all here for the same purpose.

WW

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Wed Feb 19, 2020 8:58 pm

Thanks again, good explanations! Till next time :)

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Feb 22, 2020 4:26 am

WW said:
Discernment recognizes the cause and effect relationship of actions and their result. It looks upon it in a way that seeks understanding and potential improvement, and thereby tends to be expansive of consciousness - which after all is the point of the Human experience.
Yum yum Webby. It has the same energetic resonance as curiousity :)
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Feb 22, 2020 5:29 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
Sat Feb 22, 2020 4:26 am
Yum yum Webby. It has the same energetic resonance as curiousity
:wink:

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by tchest77 » Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:21 am

I have come to this place now with understanding my dissatisfaction in something or anyone. My post began with me not being happy in my relationship, as my girlfriend has anxiety issues. I went on to explain that I am learning that my emotions are my responsibility and to not blame another for how I feel. I appreciated all responses, and am learning, but I got stuck in being tolerant and accepting things for what they are, while I find that through tolerance you can find that either you can also accept being present for it or not.

I now realize that without blaming another, I can still not like the situation, and this does not mean I have to accept being around it. I have learned that it is one thing to be tolerant of something or of one self, but it is another thing to allow what you do not want, but be responsible regardless.

I can now be responsible for how I feel, by not reacting to how I feel, understanding why usually does help, while also allowing myself to have responsibility if I want to or not want to live any such way. So, it is my responsibility to be responsible over my emotions, also to be able to understand them as needed, and to be responsible for making my own decisions responsibly. Basically to be responsible for all of what I am, and do so responsibly.

Great lesson I have learned on this journey. I appreciated the guidance!

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Re: How can I not be selfish or should I do what I feel?

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Mar 25, 2020 4:27 pm

tchest77 wrote:
Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:21 am
So, it is my responsibility to be responsible over my emotions, also to be able to understand them as needed, and to be responsible for making my own decisions responsibly. Basically to be responsible for all of what I am, and do so responsibly.
There is great power in that understanding. A note of caution however, is to be observant of the tendency for self-judgment when negatively conditioned responses express themselves automatically in challenging situations. They can blow right through our preferred responses. We have after all, a lifetime of conditioning to deal with.

There are many layers to how responsibility may be applied. What I'm saying is be patient and forgiving of yourself when things don't go as ideally desired. That may be the best response of all. Caution concerns aside, well done on how you are working through some very challenging issues.

WW

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