I have trouble forgiving my gf and moving on.

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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alphie
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Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2020 10:59 am

I have trouble forgiving my gf and moving on.

Post by alphie » Sat Apr 18, 2020 11:27 am

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I (21) dated my gf (21) for 4 years and that came to an end 2 years ago. Before we broke up there was a guy who was my friend at the time, that gave us a hard time because i was not happy with him being so close to my gf at the time and she thought that he was friendly so she didnt listen to me. ( but he was not the main reason we broke up)I told her that i would be really hurt if she had a relationship with him after we broke up. And asked her not to do that. I was okay with her being in a relationship with anyone she likes, except him. But she did enter a relationship with him after a couple of months. I harbored huge amounts of grief and anger towards her during these 2 years. But I managed to ease them and live at the present moment at peace for a good amount of time.

When she reached out to me we finally had to chance to talk about our lives. She said that she thought that i was in a relationship with her best friend. She said that she was furious with me, and she thought that i didn’t love her anymore. She said that she was a mess at the time and didnt have anyone to talk to, and she wanted to move on, and believed that the other guys love for her could heal her. So she gave him a shot. She thought that i wouldn’t be affected by this because she thought i was in a relationship with her friend for 10 years.

She did continue the relationship even after she found out that i wasn’t in a romantic relationship with her best friend. We were just close friends. She said that she tried to make it work even after that and the two dated for 11 months. Ofcourse at the time i didn’t know what she was thinking, so i thought that she was a horrible person. She texted me twice during that 11 months, saying she still loved me and she was full of regrets. She broke up with him 4 months ago after the second time she texted me.

We have been talking for two months, she told me she never loved him and she always loved me but i’ve been unable to move on. The fact that she had sex with him really bothers me and haunts me. She says that she loves me a lot and I think she is being sincere but I think her love for me is egoic.

As you can see I also have hard time doing the easy thing and cutting her off but there is something in me that just won’t do that. I am trying to be present with her and even when I am not around her but my mind goes crazy when i try to do that. I am trying to let go of my judgements but there is a resistance to forgive her. I just can’t let it go. When I try to act loving it always feels off. I just want a healthy, nurturing relationship with this person but we are no where near it. This situation really feeds my ego and keeps my mind busy. Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the long post. Peace.

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Webwanderer
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Re: I have trouble forgiving my gf and moving on.

Post by Webwanderer » Sun Apr 19, 2020 5:04 pm

Alphie, if we genuinely love someone, we want what is best for them. And if we love ourselves, we want what is best for ourselves as well. Not what we 'think' is best as defined by ego, but what truly is best. From a larger life perspective, we likely don't know what that best is when only considered from our ego-programmed, thinking mind.

Tolle's teachings come from a larger perspective on life than only the ego can understand. This is where a trust in the benevolence of the larger reality works in our best interests. My sense is that if I truly love someone, and that person would prefer to be with another, then that love includes for them the freedom for them to move on. If I trust in the benevolence of the greater reality, then I know that reality has my interests at heart as well, and somehow it will work out in time.

It may well be the case that in holding onto one person due to pain of ego, I'm deterring a more fulfilling experience from coming into my life.

My suggestion is to develop a new context through which to view life. One that will make these decisions you face made from a larger perspective.

WW

alphie
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Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2020 10:59 am

Re: I have trouble forgiving my gf and moving on.

Post by alphie » Fri May 01, 2020 2:22 pm

thank you for your reply

monsta2005
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Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2015 12:07 pm

Re: I have trouble forgiving my gf and moving on.

Post by monsta2005 » Wed May 20, 2020 2:19 pm

It's a tough one this. I have a far less act of perceived betrayal with an ex and it troubles me still 5 years on. And unlike in your case I was never truly interested. Yes my frustration is ridiculous. She kinda semi cheated (it's complicated) but yeah I wasn't in a great place mentally and I merely wanted sex, and wanted to avoid hurting her (at a cost to myself eventually, before my pain body sought revenge at her behaviour via verbal abuse, etc). Ultimately it was a very short relationship which I didn't wish to pursue and cut contact shortly after our last meeting and the act of betrayal hit me.

I thought I was acting out of compassion but it was more image making, just low self esteem, door mat. I had gambling problems at time.

I'm still finding it tough to let go of mind patterns. 'why this, why that, why me, why her, why why why!' yes it's frustrating all these years on, especially when I've just experienced the biggest loss ever...mum. My soul mate. My life. My mind resolved this after intense pain quickly before such patterns on the last re emerged. It was a case of resolve or die and my mind seems to have peace on my mum largely.

I still can't get my head around it....even therapy etc didn't dissolve this resentment pattern.

However I get solace that I'm not only one like this.

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