My husband was unfaithful

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

My husband was unfaithful

Postby livingnow » Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:12 pm

Hello all,
I am new to this site and having read a couple of the message boards i am pleased to find a community such as this one.

I discovered that my husband was unfaithful about three months ago. The sheer discovery threw me into an emotional roller coaster. Having said that though it also set me on a path of self discovery. I have discovered and read through a number of self help, spiritual and specific recovery from infidelity books. Its as though each time i need a bit more encouragement or guidance i discover a new way. Recently it has been Eckhart's Power is in the Now.

Following my discovery, my husband denied any physical intimacy with the person and claimed that it was purely emotional and founded on text messaging. A number of events took place after, which implies that he has not been entirely honest and that there is a possibility that it was more than he is saying.
My husband however, will not divulge anymore and remains firm that it was nothing more than just flirting.

As a result my mind and emotions are on a roller coaster as i try to figure out, accept and deal with what has happened and of course the vagueness. The pain bodies, both emotional and mind are rampant. I am finding it so hard to keep in the now. I catch my mind running away with either conversations with my husband (telling him all that i am going through - ie making pertinent points of the pain that he has caused me), events that happened last year like where i was when he was doing this, almost obsessive thoughts of coming face to face with the other woman, or her coming and telling me everything. I inevitably then break down into tears at the sheer betrayal and disbelief. I also seem to harbor a fear that if he hasn't told me the truth then how i do i know its all really over, or that he has actually put an end to the flirting and such behavior.

I get the being in the now - its the really feeling it, sensing it that is quite challenging - and how to keep focused there. I am finding it hard to observe the thoughts and emotions - i get carried with them and feel really miserable. This morning i read a bit about knowing your pain again. While i understand this a superficial level, i don't feel like i am making progress. On the point of knowing, can someone shed some light on this for me? Are there some excercises that i can do to help me focus in the now?

:? Thanks

PS I should just mention that my husband and i have talked, and we have agreed to try to make our marriage work. He is making an effort he to change is lifestyle and this has been reassuring, yet not enough to get me to a point of peace.
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby randomguy » Fri Feb 24, 2012 2:01 pm

Is it possible that your peace is not really tied to the actions of others but that thinking it is leads to anxiety and suffering?
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:43 pm

Much of the emotional stability in life comes from your primary relationship. Consider what that primary relationship is. If it is with another human being, such as your husband, then you are more subject to the actions of that other. If that primary relationship is with Source however, that is an alignment with your own true essence as an extension of Source, then you have a great deal more stability as the nature of Source is forever reliable. It doesn't necessarily change what your husband may or may not do, but it does change how you perceive events. Love through Source is unconditional.

It starts with love of self as you are Source expressed as you. It's not so much flesh and bone as conscious awareness. When you are clear in that relationship and recognize the beauty of life, it becomes far easier to see that beauty in others regardless of their actions. Your response to challenges such as the one you face then become less of an emotional roller-coaster and more insightful from a larger perspective of being. No one here knows the fullness of your marital relationship and how it came to be in its present state. Only you know such detail. And we all know how the mind can gloss over some parts and emphasize others. I'm not suggesting blame to one or the other, only that relationships evolve over time and both parties contribute to their unfolding.

My suggestion is to make your primary focus on your relationship with Source. This takes a good deal of time resting in the clarity of silence while allowing life to be the way it is. Source is life, and opening to a loving alignment with Source - your True Essence - will put you in a conscious state that allows the insights necessary to move through your challenges. No events in life supersede this primary relationship, and to try to deal with them without such critical insight leads the churning mind problems that you are experiencing. You can't change or undo what's happened - whatever it turns out to be. So how will you live with it? Let Source, your primary relationship in life, guide you.

WW
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby far_eastofwest » Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:47 am

livingnow wrote:PS I should just mention that my husband and i have talked, and we have agreed to try to make our marriage work. He is making an effort he to change is lifestyle and this has been reassuring, yet not enough to get me to a point of peace.


the ps is where my focus landed...
he is making and effort
just ask yourself is that enough (can he do anything else, really?)
Can you make an effort to move on and decide what is enough, waiting for enough of whatever to get to a point of peace can be a never ending journey, there tends to be a continuous need to feed, to think about how 'wrong' he was not for any resolution or better future but simply to prop up the ego of self to maintain its need to feel how 'right' you are. Then there is never enough.

Its up to you, but seeing you have maid (fruedian slip i won't correct - marriage = maid, lol) a joint decision you have already decided to move forward from this.

Its really up to you, if you want to stay in the marriage, do you want to be forever worrying - what if? or do you simply want to relax, plan some fun stuff together and live the future with the risk that, well, maybe it will happen again but, the world didn't end, life goes on, you've found some new and interesting directions, if you can handle that risk then it may be clear sailing. Everything has its risks i guess.

The thing that long and happy marriages have in common is (i found it surprising), mutual respect.....
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby livingnow » Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:36 pm

It is definitely is very possible that my peace is caught up in my thoughts. Sometimes it feels like i am ambushed, other times its like i have on this discovery to find out something new , or i have a list of things that i want to point out to him - again! Its like revolving doors - but all in my mind.

Thanks so much for the posts though. Webwanderer - i do really understand what you are saying about loving source and i have read a lot about it. I have been trying to be conscious of my thoughts, i am trying to build the relationship with self. Sometimes it feels a little overwhelming - to get past the hurt and betrayal is to work on one self for resolve.

far_eastofwest - you have made me see that it is truly up to me and how i handle the situation now. And you are right he is making an effort a huge one actually. I have to focus on the now.
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby JKEswede » Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:39 pm

Livingnow...I too found out about my husband's infidelity 2 months ago. It absolutely devastated me. A friend of mine thought I needed to listen to Eckhart Tolle's CD's of 'A New Earth'....all I kept saying to her was that I wanted inner peace. Either that or chop off my head because I couldn't take my thoughts or pain anymore. My husband and I are moving 'forward'...he wants to move on desperately and I have been dealing with the rollercoaster of intense emotions and if I really want to be with him anymore. For our children's sake and keeping life sane I have been able to keep it together and deal with my inner turmoil. You see, I have had an immense pain body that started when I was really young with my father's alcoholism & infidelities against my Mom...then life moved onto a huge eating disorder for me in my 20's....then I married a man that could inflict the same pain that my father did. I didn't realize about this pain body until I started listening to Eckhart and realized that my pain body was huge and that it became who I was. I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable....I am 45 years old and have struggled every single day to find out why I'm so lost, angry & hurt for the past 25 years. I have spent thousands of dollars on healing modalities of every kind to 'cure' me. Once I found out about the infidelity it took me out of this orbit so to speak and I was faced with the worst trauma of my life. After listening to Eckhart I realized that the heavy pain body was crushing the egoic structure and I have been left feeling that I have no idea who I am anymore. But I could tell that the pain body was inflicting horrible nightmares in my life all the time...I realized it isn't who I am. That is a relief. What to do now? Like you, I don't know if I can really forget what happened....living in the now allows me to be in this moment and relate to him and find some of the happiness & joy that we can share at times. I don't know that it will be enough or that the past hurts/pains will just be too much to overcome--I do feel alot of pain at times and have to try really hard not to attach 'stories' to it and allow the pain body to take off again and wreak havoc. I do my best to just feel the pain. This is hard. I can totally see why people just can't stay together after something like this....it could be much easier to start over with someone new. At least it would be a fresh start. But I have to try and see things from a bigger perspective--meaning did my pain body cause the infidelity to happen? Did I bring this into my life to finally put an end to my misery? When I see things in the larger perspective it does make sense to me...but the whole thing just hurts. For what its worth that is my story. I didn't post because I have the answers because I don't....I just wanted to relate my story. Good luck to you!
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby nutrition » Tue Mar 06, 2012 8:15 pm

But I have to try and see things from a bigger perspective--meaning did my pain body cause the infidelity to happen? Did I bring this into my life to finally put an end to my misery? When I see things in the larger perspective it does make sense to me...but the whole thing just hurts. For what its worth that is my story. I didn't post because I have the answers because I don't....I just wanted to relate my story.

I went thru the same thing with my husband and you can read my thread under Relationships. Lots of good insights from posters.

You pain body attracts people who can feed it, people who, like your dad, cheated.
You did not cause your husband to cheat on you. YOu just attract that type of man in your life. So starting anew with a different man would mean that you are also different and your pain body is no longer ruling your life.
It is not easy to start anew and it is not easy to stay in a broken relationship, but either way you are on a path towards light. And some time pain is the way to crush the ego,
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Mar 07, 2012 12:39 am

It's not what happens in your life that defines a situation, but what you do with it. (and don't worry as with all things this pain too will pass).

If you have made a pact with another and one or the other breaks the pact it's worth learning from it. What was, no longer is and with new awareness and opportunities you can 'refresh' the situation, and relationship.

If vows were taken and broken, if the contract of the relationship was undertaken freely and willingly by both parties and the terms of the agreement have been broken the natural consequences are that the agreement has been broken.

In essence that means that relationship (contract) as you knew/expected it to be no longer exists.
At best it's cracked, with damage to expectations held, and at worst it's broken with the realisation that trust and respect is no longer present.

If it's cracked like a jug that once held your love, honour, respect, trust, those cracks - expectations unfulfilled, trusts betrayed, contract terms broken, weaken its support system and framework. There is an opportunity to put the jug back into the kiln and re-fire it anew. This new firing will not just band-aid the cracks but create a stronger model/version because of the knowledge gained from the weaknesses that split under the weight of the 'relationship' it once held.

Basically as it was once put to me, 'that relationship/contract' is over. Trying to glue it without re-firing will leave the weaknesses intact.

All of your expectations need to be clearly seen under the light of reality and both parties more clearly decide if they are honestly able to re-fire a new relationship with each other.

If it's broken - and the determining factor is trust and respect in the reality, not in the expectation or desire, then at best notice that your suffering/disappointment stems from the distance between your expectation and the reality.

Honesty is the greatest form of love.

Leave space in discussions for acceptance of the reality and mutually decide anew the parameters of your new relationship - together or apart.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby magicbutterfly » Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:52 pm

I really like your answer, Jen but how do you "re-fire" a new relationship from one that has been broken?
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby smiileyjen101 » Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:32 pm

To refire a relationship requires going right back to the beginning of relationship 'matter'.
What attracted you to each other in the first place - is that still there or has it exhausted itself?

Do you both genuinely want to start a relationship with each other?

If you just met this person now, and you know what you know about them, what sort of relationship, if any, would you want with them?

If they just met you now, and they know what they know about you, what sort of relationship, if any, would they want with you?

What are you both willing and able to agree to and contribute as partners in the relationship?

Courses in premarital counselling are a brilliant help in determining the communication style of the relationship and the expectations each of you have of the relationship, and where expectations are at odds, to fairly negotiate, without fear.

Having said that if one cannot trust that the other is telling the truth, to them self or the other, then the cracks will reappear. If respect for self and for each other's best expression of who they really are is not compatible, supported and promoted, then it's not compatible with a harmonious relationship where each would want only the best for each other.

Trying to force one to not be who they want to be will not work. Pretending one is capable of what one is not, will not work. Trying to force pieces into place, will not work. One 'creating a prison of their own devising, living a life they would not choose for themself, in order for the other to live the life they would choose', will not work. Resentments will build from all of these things, and resentment is the base source of the cracks. Cracks are the acting out of resentment under pressure, it builds into contempt for the 'other' and disrespect for the relationship.

In this case the honest appreciation of the potential of the relationship is to say (from Conversations with God).. the current form of this relationship no longer serves me. The 'form' of the relationship has to change.

From ET's perspective of conscious and healthy 'being' (& doing) coming in an energy of acceptance - for this moment, this is what is required of me and I accept that; or enjoyment - pouring joy into a thing; or enthusiasm - knowing where you're going and enjoying the journey, one can 'check' that they are in fact participating healthily in any relationship or situation.

In his (ET's) unconscious and unhealthy (and often 'insane') perspective, if one is acting through the energies of making an enemy, obstacle, or means to an end of the other or the relationship, then only unhappiness and increasing delusion will result.

We hear examples of this in relationships all the time
- it's all their fault..., or, all my fault...
or I 'stayed' because of the children,
or it will get better 'when....',

Any of these things are delusional - and honesty is the highest form of love, so it's not love.

With ET's acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm love flows in gratitude and generosity. In ego enemy, obstacle, means to an end, frustrations, resentment, blaming and delusional dishonesty thrives.

The thing with honesty - the highest form of love - gratitude/generosity, is that one doesn't rely on another in order to be honest.

It may be a painful process undoing the delusions, unrealistic expectations and facing the responses of others, but underneath it 'feels so right', and life is just a series of opportunities to be love, not feign love, not seek love, not control love or use it as a means to an end, just to BE it. Two people being it together, with mutual joy and respect - sublime; but not a requirement of one being it, as webby pointed out the most important relationship and the only lifelong relationship is with self and source - love, honour, cherish and respect that knowing you can trust it completely.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby rideforever » Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:11 am

If you feel he is lying, perhaps he is lying. How can you move forward if what happened is not admitted to.

Being Now is being with your true feelings right now, not suppressing them.

The Source is your only friend.
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby magicbutterfly » Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:04 pm

It's easy to blame the person who lied, strayed, was unfaithful and had an affair. He is clearly in the wrong. You are clearly in the right. But, if one person is wrong and the other one right, the relationship or what is left of it will never recover. It will never be equal. Trust is broken.

In most cases people are unconscious. The husband, obviously was not getting his needs met in the marriage and/or was afraid to ask for what he needed. Blame it on male pride - ego. Or got turned down when he asked. Or, or, or. No matter. If he had been conscious, present and unafraid, he would have said something. But he wasn't.

By the time he realized he was heading the wrong way, it was probably too late. He had been unconscious. If he had been conscious and in the present, not afraid of losing his ego and was able to tell his wife, "darling, if our marriage continues on this path, I will likely have an affair," they could have done something about it.

And likely she was not conscious either or she would have noticed his slow drifting away prior to the affair. There are always warning signs. She was probably also afraid to bring it up or ignored the symptoms, denied them or lied to herself about it. And now it is too late. The old relationship is over.

If both people want to create a new relationship, they both have to face the fact that we are all capable of lying, cheating, and being unfaithful even if only to ourselves. We all act out of fear at times. Jesus said, "let the one without sin cast the first stone." And so both people have to take responsibility for their share in the breakdown of that relationship and being part of the cause of what happened. No blame and no victim. this has to be clear.

The husband has to be able to stand up for himself now and say truthfully, yes, I lied and furthermore, based on the fact that I am human, I am capable of lying in the future as long as I am unconscious and/or afraid to tell the truth, (as we all are).

And the wife needs to say truthfully that yes, I am also capable of lying (perhaps in this case only to herself), and letting fear stop me from facing reality out in the open. And so in the future, both partners have to watch out for not only their own but also for each other's unconsciousness/fears. Not easy but this could be the beginning of a new and a stronger relationship.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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Re: My husband was unfaithful

Postby Onceler » Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:57 pm

Is your husband unfaithful?
Be present, be pleasant.
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