Bachelor Party Anxiety!!

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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CSI1987
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Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:12 am

Bachelor Party Anxiety!!

Post by CSI1987 » Tue May 15, 2012 4:38 pm

This may be a silly topic relatively speaking but here goes:

I am getting married to a wonderful man in about 8 months. I am so grateful for Eckhart Tolle's teachings because they have taught me to be more present, let go of past and not look to future for fulfillment. However, there is one place where I can't seem to let go of the fear-the much anxiety-producing bachelor party. It seems stupid because I know in reality I have nothing to worry about. I know my finace would never do anything to hurt me or our relationship and he conveys this to me all of the time. But it has gotten to the point where my egoic toughts thinking about this bachelor party produce so much anxiety and so much fear and so much doubt (not about our relationshuip but about myself) that I am finding that I cannot get excited for the planning of the wedding, because with the planning of the wedding comes the bachelor party. Part of the problem is that I am not sure what they are doing for the bachelor party yet (plans are still unknown) which is producing more anxiety and fear. Again, I feel like I have come so far in terms of being able to stay present but for some reason I can't seem to get it when it comes to this. Can someone please share some words of wisdom? Why am I so anxious about this and how can I allow myself to let go of those emtoions and thoughts so I can stay present and enjoy the moment and excitement around these exciting times!?

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Webwanderer
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Re: Bachelor Party Anxiety!!

Post by Webwanderer » Tue May 15, 2012 8:00 pm

Isn't it interesting how our imagination combined with our fears can affect an otherwise joyful experience? The problem, of course, isn't your fiance, it's you - or more accurately your fears. There is opportunity here however, give thanks for these fears because they have revealed to you an issue that begs your consideration. If it weren't a bachelor party, could this concern not show up in some other venue? Your happiness is not dependent on the behavior of another, unless you make it so. And to the degree that the behavior of another affects your well being, you are subject to all the fears that your imagination can bring.

Make peace with what is. Let love be your guide and all will be well.

WW

Golf
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Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 4:44 pm

Re: Bachelor Party Anxiety!!

Post by Golf » Fri May 18, 2012 10:22 am

CSI1987 wrote:But it has gotten to the point where my egoic toughts thinking about this bachelor party produce so much anxiety and so much fear and so much doubt (not about our relationshuip but about myself) that I am finding that I cannot get excited for the planning of the wedding, because with the planning of the wedding comes the bachelor party. Part of the problem is that I am not sure what they are doing for the bachelor party yet (plans are still unknown) which is producing more anxiety and fear. Again, I feel like I have come so far in terms of being able to stay present but for some reason I can't seem to get it when it comes to this. Can someone please share some words of wisdom? Why am I so anxious about this and how can I allow myself to let go of those emtoions and thoughts so I can stay present and enjoy the moment and excitement around these exciting times!?
Webwanderer wrote:give thanks for these fears because they have revealed to you an issue that begs your consideration. If it weren't a bachelor party, could this concern not show up in some other venue?
Exactly! You might get this fear again if you were to lose a job, if someone got sick or died, or some unpleasant thing like that. Not just during the bachelor party. So here's my theory:

You may have experienced something when you were very young, where you felt (not saying that it did happen, just that you felt that way) betrayed or abandoned, maybe by a parent? You couldn't understand the reason why it happened, had no solution to protect yoursef from that threat of abandonment or betrayal, and you felt utterly helpless (and abandonment is the biggest actual fear for a little child, it could die if the parents left it, hence the overwhelming fear). Maybe you made a decision way back then to try and prevent this abandonment in the future (but you don't have any concrete means to do so, except controlling the other person which is obviously wrong).

And now, that decision is still in you, and when your financee is going to a party, all those fears of abandonment or betrayal from back then get triggered again, and you "revert" to that "mindset" you had as a little child (maybe that decision, to prevent abandonment by any means necessary - and as a child you had no means, hence the helplessness).

But what you may need is a realization that you really aren't a little child anymore. Using reason we can see that you are not. And if any person in the world abandoned you, you would survive without problem, and you could always find new people to be with. You don't need the decision to feel helpless anymore. We need to let the child in you see that too. But first see if it rings true for you.

P.s. My GF asked what I was typing now, I said I'm trying to help a woman who'se fiancee is going to a bachelor party, and she said, "this is woman to woman speaking, why you so scared, shouldn't you have fun too? You know, go to your boy's party and get into that cake, dressed like the sweetest candy in the world, then you can be his "gift", if he doesn't take you, you don't need him..." :D
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)

adeptusminor
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Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2012 8:04 pm

Re: Bachelor Party Anxiety!!

Post by adeptusminor » Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:13 pm

Well, I just read this, and I am wondering how the OP is doing with this? I can very much relate to her fears. Actually I just read a post prior from a man complaining that he wants to have sex with every pretty girl he sees & I was wondering how common that really is...I struggle with similar fears of what male sexuality truly is..Perhaps your fear stems from the awareness of what many bachelor parties encourage. Perhaps your fiance would be willing to have a party that did not involve enjoying the sexuality of another woman? I am curious as to how other women cope with this type of emotion. Cheers!

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